PRINT

SCHEDULE: January 2017

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Tuesday, January 17

6:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Inn Escapable
Doug and Carrie's romantic getaway is a nightmare when the owners of the bed-and-breakfast become too much to take.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fresh Brood
When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
G'Night Stalker
Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Move Doubt
Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Fat and Wet
Donna asks Cleveland to keep an eye on Rallo, but the boy almost drowns in a swimming pool, leaving Cleveland vulnerable to Rallo's blackmail scheme; Cleveland Jr. and Kendra attempt to eliminate discrimination against heavy-set people.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Another Bad Thanksgiving
Donna's sister abandons her two children during the Thanksgiving holiday so she and Holt can run off to Las Vegas.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stanny-Boy and Frantastic
On the hunt for new friends, Stan and Francine hit it off with a younger married couple, Tom and Cami.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Pinata Named Desire, A
Stan takes an acting class taught by Roger after he blows an undercover assignment. Stan then uses his newfound acting skills to steal a part in a local play from Roger. Roger, down but not out, takes out the play's female lead and gets her part. Now it's opening night and Stan and Roger take to the stage to see who is the better actor. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends plan a sleepover.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
You Debt Your Life
Roger moves out of the house when he finds out that Stan only let him live there because Roger had saved his life years ago at Area 51. Francine gets Roger to come back home, only to find that Stan has rented out Roger's attic to a new tenant - Andy Dick. Now Roger must find a way to convince Stan to take him back and get rid of Andy Dick. Meanwhile, Steve gets asked to read the daily announcements at school.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
I Am the Walrus
Stan resorts to extreme and cruel measures to humiliate Steve and maintain his alpha-male status in the house, and Hayley and Jeff turn to Principal Lewis for marriage counseling.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Burning Down the Bayit
Overwhelmed with financial troubles, Mort asks Peter and Quagmire to help him save his pharmacy. However, things take a turn for the worse when the trio decides to burn it down to collect insurance money.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Killer Queen
When Peter and Chris go away to fat camp, they cross paths with a serial killer who targets overweight kids. Meanwhile, Stewie is traumatized by the frightening cover of a Queen album.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Dance
Jess fears someone is trying to sabotage her first middle school dance, and she enlists the gang to help her chaperone on the big night.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Cruise
Jess and Nick invite the gang along with them on a cruise they booked while still together as a couple. Coach tries to suppress his fear of boating. Schmidt attempts to win back Cece. Winston tries to mend Jess and Nick's fractured relationship.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Book, The
Monica is outraged to find out what her parents did with her wedding fund. Joey discovers Rachel's late-night reading material.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Assistant, The
Rachel is in a quandary when a sexy but unqualified man (EDDIE CAHILL) applies to be her assistant. Chandler, Monica and Ross tell embarrassing secrets about one another.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Engagement Picture, The
Joey tries to teach Chandler how to smile for the camera. Phoebe and Ross bicker over their divorcing friends.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bris, The
A religious ceremony makes Jerry and Elaine apprehensive about being godparents.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Lip Reader, The
George enlists a lip-reader (Marlee Matlin) to learn why his girlfriend dumped him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Barber, The
Jerry doesn't have the nerve to dump his regular barber.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotive Manipulation, The
Amy has amour on her mind when she talks Sheldon into a romantic Valentine's Day getaway to Napa Valley wine country. Back at home, Leonard and Penny make an emergency visit to the vet with Raj's dog.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7980
Guests: Kathy Griffin, Michael Lewis, Johnnyswim
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Messy Purse Smackdown
Caroline promises Earl that she will drop his tax return in the mail but when she learns that Max has never filed her taxes, she gets sidetracked trying to help Max.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7980
Guests: Kathy Griffin, Michael Lewis, Johnnyswim
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Non-Fat Yogurt, The
Jerry and Elaine suspect Kramer's yogurt shop is causing their weight gain.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Eurotrip
Have you ever pressed "Send" on an e-mail and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas and his Berlin-based computer pen pal, Mieke, have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a ''cyber pass'' at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he''s known for years is coming on to him--in German no less. Too bad the one detail Scotty doesn''t seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl''s name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her e-mail account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love--even though he''s never actually met the girl--Scotty and his best friends, Cooper and the twins Jenny and Jamie, embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin. Their trek takes them from London to Paris to Amsterdam and Eastern Europe, exposing them--literally--to every lascivious, larcenous and lecherous indulgence Europe has to offer, in a comedy that gives new meaning to the phrase "foreign relations."
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Last Wedding, The
At the last wedding of the summer, the gang makes a pact: each of them will get lucky by night's end. Jess sets her sights on the best man, who also has caught the eye of a beautiful scientist. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Nick get an indecent proposal, Winston recovers from his police academy training, and Coach panics when he realizes he has already hooked up with every woman at the party.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Dice
Schmidt tutors Jess in the not so fine art of dating via mobile apps. Meanwhile, Winston is desperate to make a good impression on his fellow police cadets, which backfires when Nick, Coach and Cece show up at a party thrown by fellow officers.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, January 18

6:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Gambling N' Diction
Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Murray Christmas
During the Christmas holiday, Cleveland inadvertently gives his father a heart attack; Rallo makes friends with a Jewish man who lives at a retirement home.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Beer Walk
Cleveland invites his friend from Quahog to participate in a charity beer walk; Rallo dresses up like characters from famous horror movies.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
School Lies
Overlooked for promotion for twenty years, Stan decides to woo the Senator who supervises the CIA task force. Stan makes Steve go to the same private academy as the Senator's daughter, but Steve ditches school and Roger takes his place.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
License to Till
When Steve has trouble crossing over into the "cool kids" social circle, Klaus and Roger place their bets to see how quickly Roger can make him cool. Everything they try backfires until Steve becomes the in-crowds designated driver. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine take turns pranking each other.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Jenny Fromdabloc
After Snot professes his love for Hayley and gets shot down, Steve and Roger devise a plan to cheer him up. Roger dresses up as Steve's cousin from New Jersey, Jenny Fromdabloc, and Snot falls hard for her. Meanwhile, Stan wants to live like a gentleman of the 1960s, complete with dark suits and dry martinis.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Home Wrecker
Stan and Francine fight over how to redecorate the house. It goes so far that they split the house down the middle and try to live without each other.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Forget Me Not
After a car accident, Peter, Brian, Joe, and Quagmire wake up in a hospital with no memory and discover that they're the last people left on Earth.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
You Can't Do That on Television, Peter
After Peter's favorite children's television show gets cancelled, he takes matters into his own hands by creating and starring in his own show for kids. Meanwhile, Meg begins an internship at the hospital with Dr. Hartman.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Julie Berkman's Older Sister
Jess' dad arrives with his new girlfriend, Ashley, who happened to be Jess and Cece's high school rival. Meanwhile, Schmidt recruits the guys to be part of a focus group at work to help him land a big new account.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Micro
To prove that girls aren't shallow, Jess goes out on a date with a guy whose shortcomings fall way below the belt. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece pit Schmidt and Coach against each other, while convincing them they could be male models.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's New Dress, The
Ross and his ex-wife become jealous when their lovers go to England together. Rachel's plans to seduce her boyfriend go awry.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Wedding Dresses, The
Rachel reacts drastically to Ross' engagement. Chandler becomes exasperated by Joey's snoring.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Invitation, The
Rachel and the engaged Ross reminisce separately about when they dated each other. The friends get invitations to Ross' wedding--but not all of them are going.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates Anything Can Happen Thursday, and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton, while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn Star Wars Day into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
January 18, 2017
Sam interviews Masha Gessen to learn how to survive an autocracy.or at least how to drink our way though one.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7981
Guests: Ted Danson, Gad Elmaleh, Josh Abbott Band
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Buttercream Breakthrough
Max's babysitting gig with Peach is in peril if the cupcakes she and Caroline deliver to Peach's socialite friend aren't perfect.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7981
Guests: Ted Danson, Gad Elmaleh, Josh Abbott Band
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Envy
Tim and Nick are best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick''s hare-brained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds: the Vaporizer, a spray that literally makes dog poop, or any other kind for that matter, evaporate into thin air--to where, exactly, is anyone''s guess. Tim, who had scoffed at Nick''s idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick''s fortune--and Tim''s own envy--grow to equally outrageous proportions. When the flames of jealousy are fanned by an oddball drifter who imposes himself into the situation, Tim''s life careens wildly out of control, taking Nick''s with it.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Landline
When Coach's liaison with the school nurse gets messy, vice principal Jess must enforce a new no fraternization policy among the teachers. But the tables soon get turned when she finds herself attracted to the hot new science teacher. Meanwhile, Nick is enjoying being Schmidt and Winston's secretary after the loft gets a new home phone.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Background Check
As part of Winston's police academy training, the loft must pass a home visit and background check, which shouldn't be a problem until Jess admits she might be hiding illegal substances in her closet.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, January 19

6:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats' music video.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
When Steve dumps Marcy to become a park ranger, ever-supportive Peggy talks her into a Las Vegas vacation with Al. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Buggie Nights
When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Sold-y Locks
Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'
Cleveland and Rallo bond at a sheep-riding exhibit at a petting zoo, but Rallo is crushed when he finds out what happens to the animals when they can no longer be ridden.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?
Donna puts Cleveland's parenting skills to the test by leaving him alone with Roberta for a weekend; Rallo thinks he's invisible.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Flirting With Disaster
Francine gets a job at Stan's office, which cramps Stan's style and his ability to flirt with co-workers. When Francine retaliates with a little flirting of her own, war breaks out at work.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Gorillas in the Mist
Stan spends some quality father-son time with Steve at the local zoo, but things go wrong when Steve slips into a gorilla exhibit. Meanwhile, Roger bets Hayley that he can become a great Country singer and sets out to write the most heartbreaking song of all time.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Hot Water
Stan battles an evil hot tub bent on killing his family.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Hurricane
Stan attempts to save his family after a hurricane floods Lower Langley--despite Fran's warnings that Stan is a bad decision-maker during a crisis.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mr. and Mrs. Stewie
Stewie meets a little girl who might be his soulmate; Lois buys twin beds after Peter repeatedly crushes her in his sleep.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Leggo my Meg-O
Stewie and Brian attempt to track down Meg after she's abducted in Paris by sex slave operatives.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Goldmine
Nick pretends to be gay to make his status as Jess' ex less of an issue to her new beau. To Coach's annoyance, Winston works his "Long Game" on their attractive neighbors, Michelle and Viv. Meanwhile, Schmidt panics when Cece considers having a breast reduction.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Teachers
Jess, Coach and Ryan attend a teachers' conference, led by education guru Brenda Brown. And when Jess and Ryan are partnered up during the conference, she finds it increasingly difficult to hide her feelings for him. Back at the loft, Nick, Schmidt and Winston try to have a wild weekend while Jess is out of town.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 1, The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 2, The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stand-In, The
Kramer is a stand-in on a soap opera; George wants to break up with a girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Martha Stewart Have a Ball Part 1
Max and Caroline use Caroline's invite to a Manhattan gala as a means to meet Martha Stewart and present their cupcake business.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Martha Stewart Have a Ball Part 2
Max and Caroline use Caroline's invite to a Manhattan gala as a means to meet Martha Stewart and present their cupcake business.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotion Interruption, The
Amy and Leonard take a surprise road trip to Arizona, while Penny goes on a job interview at Bernadette's company, and Howard has problems wrapping his head around Stuart's relationship with Mrs. Wolowitz.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Junior Professor Solution, The
Sheldon is ordered to teach a class, and the gang is surprised when Howard signs up to take it; and tensions between Penny and Bernadette afford Amy an opportunity to play one against the other.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
First Pitch Insufficiency, The
A nervous Wolowitz is thrown for a loop when NASA asks him to toss out the first pitch at a Los Angeles Angels baseball game. Meanwhile, Sheldon brags that he and Amy are a better couple than Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hook-Up Reverberation, The
Raj's girlfriend, Emily, gives Penny the cold shoulder after he reveals some info about their past history; and the guys contemplate buying into Stuart's comic-book emporium.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7982
Guests: Andrew Dice Clay, Billy Wayne Davis
TV-14
12:00 am
Billy on the Street
Super Sloppy Semi-Automatic Double Dare! with Keegan-Michael Key
Billy is joined by Key and Peele star Keegan-Michael Key for the game Name 10 Gay People! Later, Billy is joined by aspiring actor Cameron to play Walking Dead or Talking Dead
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7982
Guests: Andrew Dice Clay, Billy Wayne Davis
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn''t expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn''t quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
 

Friday, January 20

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and tell it to the judge.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous husband shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Ward Show, A
After he's appointed Steve's legal guardian, Roger has Principal Lewis fired for letting Steve break the school's rules; Stan and Fran vacation at a waterpark.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Worst Stan, The
Stan arranges for Principal Lewis to marry Superintendent Riggs so he can finally be a best man at a wedding; Roger's new shorts attract the interest of Ricky Martin.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Virtual In-Stanity
Stan uses an avatar of a hot girl to bond with Steve; Roger plots a violent end for frat brothers who stiffed him out of $20 for a limousine ride.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Scarlett Getter, The
Francine is disgusted when Stan reestablishes contact with a crush from CIA boot camp; Bullock hires a bounty hunter to capture Roger; Steve wears Hayley's panties after concluding they bring him luck.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Thanksgiving IV
With winter coming and everyone still single, Schmidt initiates a "Bangs-giving" themed Thanksgiving dinner party, to which everyone must bring someone compatible for someone else. Everyone is on board, including Jess, who desperately needs someone to take her mind off of Ryan, but fate has something else in mind.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Girl Fight
A girl fight breaks out between Jess and Cece, and Schmidt immediately has second thoughts about trying to figure out what it's all about. Meanwhile, Nick dates Tran's granddaughter, and Winston is convinced she is keeping a secret from them.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats Part 1, The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats Part 2, The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Opposite, The
George learns success lies in doing the opposite of what he would normally do; guests Dedee Pfeiffer, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford; French Stewart.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Disciplinarian, The
Debra convinces Ray to take his turn at disciplining the twins.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sweet Charity
Ray relishes his volunteer work at the hospital because patients treat him like a celebrity.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, January 21

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Meeting the Parents
Amy's ultraconservative parents (Fred Willard, Georgia Engel) catch Robert in a compromising position.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Old Dogs
Two best friends, one unlucky-in-love divorcee and the other a fun-loving bachelor, have their lives turned upside down when they're unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. The not-so-kid-savvy bachelors stumble in their efforts to take care of the twins, leading to one debacle after another, and perhaps to a new-found understanding of what's really important in life.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Hidden Stash
Max joins Caroline on her visit to a white-collar prison to see her father, Martin Channing, and he encourages them to purchase a particular keepsake at the Channing estate auction.
TV-14
7:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pearl Necklace
When Max and Caroline met Martha Stewart at a gala event and gave her one of their cupcakes to taste, they were thrilled to get a positive response! Now, Max and Caroline attempt to keep the faith that Martha Stewart will call and help support their cupcake business. Meanwhile, Caroline loses a lucky keepsake.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Focus Attenuation, The
Amy and Bernadette accuse former party girl Penny of becoming a party pooper when she lets an email from work impact their girls' weekend in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, the guys brainstorm about inventing something cool.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Expedition Approximation, The
Sheldon and Raj undertake an underground research expedition that turns into a test of how long before they get under each other's skin. Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny argue about money.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Misinterpretation Agitation
Amy and Bernadette organize a prom to be held atop the guys' apartment complex, but Sheldon is leery of all the prom pomp, circumstance and romancing that goes with it.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prom Equivalency, The
Penny's flirtatious sales pitch leaves a doctor-client smitten and the guys must pitch in to help her deal with him, while, Bernadette and Amy debate whether female scientists ought to play the sexuality card.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Septum Deviation, The
Leonard needs surgery for a deviated septum, and Sheldon gets his nose out of joint because he feels an operation is too dangerous and that his roommate may not make it out alive.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Champagne Reflection, The
It's a banner day for Sheldon as he bids a sad farewell to his Fun With Flags podcast. Meanwhile, Leonard, Howard and Raj probe a late professor's research in search of some hidden significance.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
January 18, 2017
Sam interviews Masha Gessen to learn how to survive an autocracy.or at least how to drink our way though one.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Cable Guy, The
It's a time-honored urban ritual: Slip the cable guy fifty bucks and you'll get all the movie channels for free. But when Steven Kovacs moves into a new apartment, his cable guy is not like the others. He doesn't want your fifty bucks; all he wants is a friend and he won't take no for an answer. Steven is about to learn that there's no such thing as free cable.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Old Dogs
Two best friends, one unlucky-in-love divorcee and the other a fun-loving bachelor, have their lives turned upside down when they're unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. The not-so-kid-savvy bachelors stumble in their efforts to take care of the twins, leading to one debacle after another, and perhaps to a new-found understanding of what's really important in life.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Plan, The
Ray convinces Robert to botch the wedding invitations to get out of helping with the wedding plans.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, January 22

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
9:30 am
Network Television Premiere
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Cable Guy, The
It's a time-honored urban ritual: Slip the cable guy fifty bucks and you'll get all the movie channels for free. But when Steven Kovacs moves into a new apartment, his cable guy is not like the others. He doesn't want your fifty bucks; all he wants is a friend and he won't take no for an answer. Steven is about to learn that there's no such thing as free cable.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Interview, The
Dave Skylark and producer Aaron Rapoport run the celebrity tabloid show "Skylark Tonight." When they land an interview with a surprise fan, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, they are recruited by the CIA to turn their trip to Pyongyang into an assassination mission.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
12:45 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sleepover at Peggy's
Ray fears his cookie rival is flirting with him when he drops Ally off for a sleepover.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Who's Next?
Ray seems pleased that Debra has chosen Linda to replace her if she dies.
TV-PG
 

Monday, January 23

6:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school, at Al's expense, and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his close encounter.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Vows, The
As Monica and Chandler prepare their wedding vows, they and their friends reminisce. The episode features numerous clips from previous shows.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Dad, The
Chandler confronts his estranged cross-dressing father (KATHLEEN TURNER). Rachel gets into trouble driving Monica's Porsche. ALEXIS ARQUETTE guest stars.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Season's Beatings
When a play about the life of Jesus Christ turns into a brutal battle between Stan and Roger, Stan is excommunicated from the Christian church; Hayley and Jeff adopt an infant son whom Stan believes is the Antichrist.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Unbrave One, The
With Roger's help, Steve dresses up as a superhero to prove his bravery to his father; when Stan discovers that Fran may be pregnant, he hopes the infant will turn out to be the brave child he never had.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stanny Tendergrass
Hoping to show Steve the value of hard work, Stan gets Steve a job at a country club; Francine struggles to come up with her own catchphrase.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key
Stan joins Wheels and the Legman as they attempt to solve a mystery involving a key; Klaus has his photo taken for a pet website.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Friends with Burger-Fits
Bob becomes Teddy's workout buddy after finding out his burgers contributed to Teddy's bad health. The two enroll in a stuntman boot camp where their friendship is put to the test. Meanwhile, the kids make an ice rink in the freezer with Linda running their underground ice-wrestling league.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Dawn of the Peck
While Bob is boycotting the holiday, Linda and the kids spend Thanksgiving at the first annual Fischoeder Turk-tacular Turkey Town Festival. However, a wild bird attack leads to total mayhem.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Best Burger
Bob enters a burger-tasting contest, only to discover that his most distinguishing ingredient is missing! To help out their dad, the kids go on a mission to find the ever-so-important black garlic.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Father of the Bob
At Bob's father's Christmas party, Bob and "Big Bob" rehash an old argument and try to outdo each other in the kitchen. Meanwhile, the kids compete to find the best gift for their dad.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Tina Tailor Soldier Spy
Tina goes undercover in her old Thundergirls troop to find the mole who is giving away their cookie secrets. Meanwhile, tired of the kids counting her gray hairs, Linda decides to go blonde. But when she starts making dumb mistakes at work, Bob worries that being blonde has gone to her head!
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Guy Viewer Mail #2
Three skits: the British program that Family Guy is based on, everybody Peter touches turns into Robin Williams, and a look at the day through Stewie's eyes.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Internal Affairs
Peter talks Joe into having an affair and gets into another epic fight with the giant chicken.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Into Fat Air
When the successful family of Lois' ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, mentions that they're all climbing Mount Everest, Peter announces that the Griffins are climbing it too...and will beat the Fishmans to the top. But the Griffins are woefully unprepared for the trip.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ratings Guy
The Griffins are chosen to be a Neilsen family, and Peter takes advantage of the chance to reformat TV to his taste - except that everyone else hates his changes.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Old Man and the Big C
Brian overhears a doctor telling Carter that Carter has only two weeks to live, but when Lois frantically checks on her father he's mysteriously healthy - and Brian wants to know why.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Yug Ylimaf
Brian discovers that he can use Stewie's time machine to pick up girls, but when he tries to cover his tracks he accidentally reverses the flow of time.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Joe's Revenge
Joe, Peter and Quagmire set out to capture the criminal who caused Joe's paralysis; Brian grows jealous of Quagmire's cat.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lois Comes Out of Her Shell
After celebrating another birthday, Lois adopts a younger look and lifestyle - much to Peter's chagrin; a vengeful turtle targets the Griffins.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Old Stan in the Mountain
An old man places a hex on Stan, making him age at an alarming rate; Roger and Francine rehearse for a dance competition...but Roger has something up his sleeve.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Wrestler, The
Stan panics when Barry comes close to toppling his longstanding wrestling record at Steve's school.and ends up teaching Roger how to wrestle so he can defeat Barry.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
As Christmas approaches...Peter tells the story of the Nativity, with friends and family members appearing as biblical characters.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends Without Benefits
Meg discovers that a boy she has a crush on is gay - and that has his eye on Chris.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7983
Guests: Daniel Sloss
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Hold-Up
Max and Caroline show their true colors when the diner gets robbed. Meanwhile, everyone sees a surprising new side of Han.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7983
Guests: Daniel Sloss
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''''s wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
LAXmas
As the gang prepares to depart for the holidays, they quickly find they may be home alone when they are all trapped at the airport due to a storm. The longer their flights are delayed the more they begin to question their holiday plans especially Jess, who is flying to England to meet Ryan's parents, and Coach, who is ditching his family in favor of a Hawaiian vacation.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Shark
After Winston graduates from the Police Academy, Nick and Coach worry about his safety especially when they meet his petite training officer. Meanwhile, Jess uses Schmidt to try and influence a councilwoman to stop the night construction taking place outside the loft.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decide whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become Miss Weenie Tot and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, January 24

6:00 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Godfather, The
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain, the bathroom.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
All Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Dr. Klaustus
After tricking Roger into going to Iraq, Klaus assumes the role of the Smiths' psychologist, but his emphasis on emotional honesty backfires.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stan's Best Friend
When Steve's new puppy is gravely injured, Stan attempts to save the dog using a doctor who specializes in alternative medicine.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Less Money, Mo' Problems
Stan bets Jeff and Hayley that he and Fran can live on minimum wage for one month; Roger and Steve test-drive a Ferrari after Klaus brags about having driven one.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Kidney Stays in the Picture, The
When Hayley experiences kidney failure, Stan and Fran travel into the past to find the man who may be Hayley's real father.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Space Cadet
After Chris enrolls in a NASA space camp, Stewie accidentally launches the Griffins into outer space.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Play
Brian's dreams come true when he writes a play and it's a hit...but his happiness evaporates when Stewie writes a better play in one night.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Coming Out
Jess struggles not to show favoritism to Ryan now that they no longer need to hide their relationship, which leads to a disastrous class field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt gets an ulcer but refuses to take time off work, forcing Nick to step in. And Winston becomes obsessed with the perceived powers of a crystal necklace he was given by his fellow officers.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Swuit
When the prototype for their new business venture - the "swuit," a suit made of sweatshirt material doesn't turn out as planned, Jess helps Schmidt and Nick brainstorm a new idea to pitch to famed QVC entrepreneur Lori Greiner. Meanwhile, Winston and Coach decide they will invest in Cece's future.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Monica & Chandler's Wedding Part 1, The
On the eve of the wedding, Ross searches for missing Chandler, who has doubts, while the girls distract unsuspecting Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Monica & Chandler's Wedding Part 2, The
Monica remains blissfully unaware of the potential disasters on her wedding day. ELLIOTT GOULD, CHRISTINA PICKLES, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, GARY OLDMAN and KATHLEEN TURNER guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Red Sweater, The
Rachel debates whether she should break the news to her baby's father.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot
A woman's impending visit excites Jerry, until he learns she's getting married.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Male Unbonding
Jerry finds ending a friendship harder than ending a romance.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stakeout, The
Jerry woos an ex-girlfriend's friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Robbery, The
Jerry's decision to move sets off a chain of events.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Clean Room Infiltration, The
On Christmas Eve, Amy plans a traditional Victorian dinner, while Raj, Leonard and Howard scramble to remove a pigeon that flew into the clean room at the university.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Space Probe Disintegration, The
While Raj eagerly awaits data from a space probe in which he was involved, Howard keeps distracting him. Later, dress shopping with Penny and Amy doesn't exactly prove to be a good fit for Leonard and Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anxiety Optimization, The
Sheldon becomes concerned that his cushy lifestyle is impacting his professional progress and keeping him from achieving scientific renown, so he asks the gang to make life more difficult for him.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Troll Manifestation, The
An online troll rips Leonard and Sheldon's published physics paper, so the guys rally to defend the two and expose the bully, while a girls night out leads to Penny, Amy and Bernadette dishing about embarrassing past events.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Comic Book Store Regeneration, The
Amid the excitement of Stuart reopening his comic-book store, Howard gets some unsettling news; and after teaching Sheldon how to "let it go," Penny doesn't practice what she preaches when she learns something maddening about Amy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Intimacy Acceleration, The
An experiment designed to make participants fall in love piques Penny and Leonard's interest, so they decide to put it to the test. Meanwhile, Leonard, Amy, Raj and Emily have an encounter with a "zombie".
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7984
Guests: Aaron Paul, Bert Kreischer
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake War
Max and Caroline put their baking skills to the test when they audition to be contestants on the hit cooking show Cupcake Wars.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7984
Guests: Aaron Paul, Bert Kreischer
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Stock Tip, The
George gives Jerry a bad stock-tip.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he''s finally ahead of the game. And that''s when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they''re going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it''s Nina''s turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this ''90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Crawl, The
When a new bar opens in the neighborhood, it completes the final piece of the puzzle for Nick's epic Valentine's Day pub crawl. Meanwhile, Jess and Ryan drunkenly contemplate their future, Coach meets a new woman - over and over again - and Schmidt tries to fit into the world of politics.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Oregon
Jess takes a bumpy stroll down memory lane when she and the gang travel to her childhood home in Portland, Oregon, for her father's wedding. Meanwhile, with Ryan back in England, everyone is worried that he and Jess' relationship is nearing the end, but Jess is determined to make it work.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an oldies expert, his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 1
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, January 25

6:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 2
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 1
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 2
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch gold fever and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Offensive Fowl
Carrie soon grows tired of Doug's forcing his new vegetarian lifestyle down her throat. Meanwhile, Carrie's boss wants to start discussing novels with her, and Spence takes on some humiliating new jobs.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mild Bunch
Doug's 20th high school reunion seems like a dud until an old friend comes up with a way to retaliate for past grievances with their old principal, while Danny and Spence try to hook up with old classmates. Carrie and Arthur try to have a movie night together.
TV-14
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Ricky Spanish
Roger makes amends for the trouble he caused after he adopted a sociopathic persona; Stan and Fran get an unexpected visit from a Nigerian man whom they aided through a relief organization.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Toy Whorey
Stan wants Steve to stop playing with toys and be a man, so he brings Steve to Mexico to make love to a prostitute; Roger attempts to retrieve a bottle of wine from Terry and Greg.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Love, American Dad Style
Roger opens a crooner's bar in the Smith family's attic and recruits Hayley as his main entertainer. Soon all of Langley Falls becomes enthralled by her singing voice - including Roger, who takes his crush on Hayley a bit too far. Meanwhile, Stan tries to prove his manhood by negotiating a good deal on a new car.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Killer Vacation
The Smith family's tropical vacation turns out to be anything but relaxing when Stan is assigned a mission to kill the activities director at their resort, whom his boss at the CIA insists is an ex-war criminal. Meanwhile, Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) try to rekindle their fading romance, while Roger, as his latest persona, Abigail Lemonparty, falls for an older gentleman.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Spiderhunt
Schmidt is planning a midnight feast for Fawn at the loft when he spots a spider. Suddenly everyone's on lockdown as Schmidt's arachnophobia forces the group to go on a spider hunt. In the midst of this chaos, Winston inadvertently makes Jess think that Cece is in love with Nick.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Walk of Shame
After a night of partying at Bearclaw's, Jess and Cece make the proverbial walk of shame back to the loft and run into a familiar face. Meanwhile, Coach worries about bringing Nick and Winston around his sophisticated new girlfriend, May.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Tells..., The
The real father of Rachel's baby is revealed; Monica and Chandler struggle to make their honeymoon flight.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Videotape, The
Ross reveals that he videotaped a sexual encounter between Rachel and him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Date, The
Ross is horrified when Rachel goes on a date with a soap-opera star (Johnny Messner); Phoebe is attracted to a clumsy chef whom Monica wants to fire.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stain, The
Rachel wants to find her own apartment; Phoebe is ecstatic when Eric (Sean Penn) dumps Ursula to date her.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Colonization Application, The
There's trouble in paradise when Amy discovers Sheldon signed up for a one-way mission to colonize Mars, and the two get into a dogfight at a pet store. Meanwhile, Leonard makes a very "adult" purchase for Penny.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Leftover Thermalization, The
An electrical short thaws the last meal that was cooked by Mrs. Wolowitz, and the gang ponders what to do with it, while Sheldon and Leonard's work is featured in a magazine, but only one receives credit.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Matrimonial Momentum, The
Season 9 premiere, Penny has a problem dealing with Leonard's confession about having kissed another woman, while Sheldon is confused about Amy calling a timeout on their relationship.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Separation Oscillation, The
To ease Penny's mind, Leonard pays a visit to the woman he kissed during his expedition to the North Sea, while Sheldon's breakup with Amy leads him to retaliate by shooting a special episode of "Fun with Flags".
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bachelor Party Corrosion, The
The guys surprise Leonard with a belated bachelor-party weekend in Mexico, but their plans hit a bump in the road when they get a flat tire on the way. Meanwhile, the girls lean on Penny to tell her unsuspecting family that she and Leonard eloped.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1037
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7985
Guests: Jess Ross, Foxygen
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pre-Approved Credit Card
A new pre-approved credit card causes strife between Max and Caroline, who have different opinions on what to charge on it. Meanwhile, Earl's estranged son, Darius, arrives in New York with hopes of becoming a stand-up comedian.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7985
Guests: Jess Ross, Foxygen
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Quest for the Spear, The
When a brilliant student takes a job at the New York Public Library, he learns it actually involves safeguarding ancient mystic and historical treasures secretly warehoused there, protecting them from the forces of evil. When one of the artifacts, one of three sections of the Spear of Destiny, gets taken by the Serpent Brotherhood, he must track it down across the globe with the help of a female operative of the Library, skilled in the arts of self defense. They must race against the clock before the brotherhood tracks down and assembles all three sections of the spear and risk giving them the power over the world''s destiny.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 1
Marcy excitedly announces she's pregnant but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she too has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 2
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women, pregnant or otherwise, decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to-be.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, January 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the Miss Cheese competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way by hustling pool.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her kin in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees God's shoes, he makes it his mission to recreate and promote his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 1
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television, while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Can I Be Frank (With You)
Francine dresses up in a man suit so she can spend more time with Stan; Steve forms a boy band with his friends.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Adventures in Hayleysitting
The Smith family's regular babysitter, Lindsay, breaks her leg in a soccer match, so Stan and Francine are forced to leave Steve with Hayley, despite her track record of being extremely irresponsible. When Hayley teases Steve about being a goody-two-shoes, Steve is determined to prove her wrong and sneaks out of the house to go to a party with the cool kids.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Right Thing, The
Jess crashes a funeral, hoping to delete a "sext" she recently sent to the deceased. Then, Schmidt's mom, Louise, arrives in town for a visit to demand he write thank-you notes for his bar mitzvah gifts, and Winston is desperate to be off-duty friends with his police partner, Aly.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Par 5
Jess accompanies Fawn to a charity golf tournament, where the vice principal's attempts to make a good impression prove subpar. Meanwhile, Winston meets an attractive woman but needs to lie about being a cop.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stripper, The
Rachel tells her belligerent father (Ron Leibman) that she is pregnant with Ross' child.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Boots, The
Chandler is angry when Monica buys expensive boots; Phoebe tries to get tickets to a Sting concert.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Dates Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Takes a Bath, The
Monica blabs her suspicions when she mistakenly believes Joey is infatuated with Phoebe.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sponge, The
Elaine considers intimacy with her new boyfriend (Scott Patterson).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Candy Manwich
Andy, a cute candy store owner, has eyes for Caroline, but she's too embarrassed to see him after a humiliating experience at his candy store.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Three Boys with Wood
Max and Caroline enlist two Amish boys who are exploring the modern world to build a barn for Chestnut. Meanwhile, Candy Andy discovers Caroline's ex-billionaire identity.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Perspiration Implementation, The
When Barry Kripke gives the guys fencing lessons, he makes a point of letting Sheldon know he's interested in dating Amy. Also, Stuart has trouble getting female customers at the Comic Book Store, so Penny, Amy and Bernadette stop by to help out.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Helium Insufficiency, The
A helium shortage leads Sheldon and Leonard to do business with a dealer in the black market in order to acquire some of the element for an experiment they need to complete.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spock Resonance, The
Sheldon's interview for a "Star Trek" documentary focusing on Spock turns up a shocking revelation about his breakup with Amy. Meanwhile, the Wolowitzes haggle over the remodeling of his family home.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mystery Date Observation, The
When Leonard, Penny and Bernadette learn that Amy is going out on a dinner date, the trio set out to spy on her and the guy. Meanwhile, Sheldon recruits Raj and Howard to find a woman for him.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7986
Guests: Cody Jinks
TV-14
12:00 am
Billy on the Street
Billy on the Street 510
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7986
Guests: Cody Jinks
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Gum, The
Kramer complicates Jerry's quest to locate a special brand of Chinese gum.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines, The
Librarian-turned-adventurer Flynn Carsen (Wyle) endeavors to find King Solomon''s mines.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 2
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for prime time by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful shoe groupie wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
 

Friday, January 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession, his football.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara even if it kills him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Just Shoe It
Al relives his glory days as a high school football star (All City '66) when he lands a role in a Super Bowl commercial with ex-jocks Sugar Ray Leonard, Steve Carlton and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rites of Passage
Though Peggy has hired Sticky the Clown to entertain at Bud's 18th birthday party, Al follows Bundy tradition and takes his son to the nudie bar for his first brawl.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Egg and I, The
Steve Rhoades, on the run after hijacking an endangered egg, returns to reclaim his ex-wife, but Marcy doesn't want him back and all the Bundys want is to turn him in to the FBI for the reward money.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Psychic Avengers
When Al takes over Jefferson's psychic scam, rival mystic Madame Inga puts a curse on the entire Bundy family.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
My Dinner with Anthrax
It's Al and Peggy's 20th anniversary and Bud and Kelly pack them off to a time-share scam in Florida so heavy metal band Anthrax can party at the Bundy house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
High I.Q.
Bud is up in arms when Kelly is invited to join a group of geniuses while Al and Jefferson try their hand at putting together a workbench and lose a few fingers in the process.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dugan Groupie
Jealous of Carrie's new job, Doug asks his boss for a promotion and gets put in charge of safety.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Lost Vegas
Doug takes Carrie to a spa, hoping it will get her to let him take a trip to Vegas with the guys; Arthur teaches Spence his trick for beating the house in blackjack.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Furious George
Carrie makes Doug join a support group for overeaters, but he secretly joins an abusive relationship group where he blames his eating on her.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Entertainment Weakly
Doug sends a new driver on the wrong route, but the plan backfires when the man winds up in the hospital.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
BFFs
Cleveland takes his friends on a canoeing trip, where the guys encounter a group of deviant hillbillies; Donna enters Rollo in a quiz tournament to prove he's as smart as the other kids.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
A Langley Falls talk show outs Francine as "Baby Franny," the toddler who was once rescued from a well by a heroic fireman. Then, on the anniversary of her rescue, she falls down the well again and makes a shocking discovery. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger have an entrepreneurial "eureka!" moment when they think of the world's next game-changing business opportunity - male stripper shoes.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Panty Gate
Fawn is at the center of a political scandal, so Schmidt steps in to help her out. Meanwhile, Jess takes on the role of "love doctor," and Coach faces a life-altering situation with May.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Clean Break
In the Season 4 finale, Coach is moving out of the loft, while Schmidt gets rid of non-essentials and comes to realize what is really important to him, and Jess & Nick reminisce and try to determine how they feel about each other.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Secret Closet, The
Joey realizes his intense feelings for Rachel are excluding Ross from the joys of impending fatherhood.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Tells Rachel, The
Joey tells Rachel that he is in love with her.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tea Leaves, The
Rachel devises a lie about her unborn child that she hopes will break the silence between her and Joey; Phoebe reads tea leaves and predicts she will soon encounter the man of her dreams.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Massapequa, The
Phoebe brings her annoyingly upbeat boyfriend (Alec Baldwin) to the 35th anniversary of Monica and Ross' parents (Christina Pickles, Elliott Gould), who urge Ross and pregnant Rachel to pretend to be married.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Rye, The
George's and Susan's parents have dinner together for the first time.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Caddy, The
Kramer befriends a caddy (Armin Shimerman) who helps him improve his golf game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Trouble-prone Percy Jackson is having problems in high school - but that''s the least of his challenges. It''s the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus seem to have walked out of the pages of Percy''s Greek mythology texts and into his life. Percy has learned that his real father is Poseidon, god of the sea, which means Percy is a demigod - half human, half god. At the same time, the powerful gods on Olympus are feuding, which could launch a war enveloping our entire planet. Now, Percy must prepare for the adventure of a lifetime, and the stakes couldn''t be higher. With ominous storm clouds brewing over Earth and his own life now in peril, Percy travels to a special enclave called Camp Half Blood, where he trains to harness his newly discovered powers and prevent a devastating war among the gods. There, Percy meets two fellow demigods - the warrior Annabeth, who is searching for her mother, the goddess Athena; and his friend and protector, Grover, who is actually a brave but untested satyr. Grover and Annabeth then join Percy on an incredible transcontinental odyssey that takes them six hundred stories above New York City (the portal to Mount Olympus) and to the iconic Hollywood sign, under which burn the fires of the Underworld. At journey''s end rests the fate of the world - and the life of Percy''s mother Sally, whom Percy must rescue from the depths of Hell itself.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
12:45 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
2:45 am
Movie
Transporter 3
Frank Martin has been pressured into transporting Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of Leonid Vasilev, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way, with the help of Inspector Tarconi, Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job, agents sent by Vasilev to intercept him, and the general non-cooperation of his passenger. Despite Valentina's cynical disposition and his resistance to get involved, Frank and Valentina fall for each other, while escaping from one life-threatening situation after another.
TV-14
4:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Shower, The
Marie attempts to take over when Debra throws a bridal shower for Amy; Debra runs into trouble with the law and must rely on Marie for help.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Baggage
Ray and Debra engage in a battle of wills over who is responsible for putting a suitcase away.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, January 28

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Bachelor Party, The
Debra accuses Ray of throwing a lousy bachelor party for his brother and exhorts him to do it again.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Robert's Wedding Part 1
Robert and Amy exchange vows in a classic Barone family wedding ceremony.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Young adventurer Sean receives a coded distress signal from a mysterious island where no island should exist--a place of strange life forms, mountains of gold, deadly volcanoes, and more than one astonishing secret. Unable to stop him from going, Sean's new stepfather joins the quest. Together with a helicopter pilot and his beautiful, strong-willed daughter, they set out to find the island, rescue its lone inhabitant and escape before seismic shock waves force the island under the sea and bury its treasures forever.
TV-PG
10:15 am
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Trouble-prone Percy Jackson is having problems in high school - but that''s the least of his challenges. It''s the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus seem to have walked out of the pages of Percy''s Greek mythology texts and into his life. Percy has learned that his real father is Poseidon, god of the sea, which means Percy is a demigod - half human, half god. At the same time, the powerful gods on Olympus are feuding, which could launch a war enveloping our entire planet. Now, Percy must prepare for the adventure of a lifetime, and the stakes couldn''t be higher. With ominous storm clouds brewing over Earth and his own life now in peril, Percy travels to a special enclave called Camp Half Blood, where he trains to harness his newly discovered powers and prevent a devastating war among the gods. There, Percy meets two fellow demigods - the warrior Annabeth, who is searching for her mother, the goddess Athena; and his friend and protector, Grover, who is actually a brave but untested satyr. Grover and Annabeth then join Percy on an incredible transcontinental odyssey that takes them six hundred stories above New York City (the portal to Mount Olympus) and to the iconic Hollywood sign, under which burn the fires of the Underworld. At journey''s end rests the fate of the world - and the life of Percy''s mother Sally, whom Percy must rescue from the depths of Hell itself.
TV-PG
12:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Joey's Interview, The
When Soap Opera Digest requests an interview, Joey enlists his friends to make sure he does not say anything that could cost him his role.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cooking Class, The
A food critic blasts Monica's cooking in a newspaper review; a cute saleswoman riles Rachel when she flirts with Ross; Phoebe coaches Chandler for a job interview.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Is Late, The
Overdue Rachel tries everything to rush the delivery of her baby.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Egg Special
Max and Caroline cook up a surprising fundraising solution when a potential storefront for Max's Homemade Cupcakes becomes available for rent.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the New Boss
When Max and Caroline hire an intern, Ruth, to help take care of some of the dirty work in preparation of opening their new cupcake shop, Max has trouble with her new managerial role.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Opening
Max and Caroline host a grand opening celebration at their new cupcake shop. To show off her success, Max invites her former flame Johnny and her ex-boyfriend Robbie.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
2003 Approximation, The
Sheldon reverts back to 2003 when he learns that Leonard and Penny are moving in together. Meanwhile Howard and Raj form a band to play at the comic book store.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Earworm Reverberation, The
God only knows what song is constantly playing in Sheldon's head, but it reminds him of Amy and leads to a surprising revelation. Meanwhile, she is back in the dating game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Opening Night Excitation, The
Prof. Proton visits Sheldon in a dream and gives him Obi-Wan Kenobi-like advice about whether to go see the new "Star Wars" film or spend the time with newly reunited girlfriend Amy on her birthday.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Sales Call Sublimation, The
Penny entices Leonard to meet with a psychiatrist and the results are surprising; Stuart moves out of the Wolowitz house and Howard and Bernadette find themselves at a loss.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Empathy Optimization, The
Dealing with an under-the-weather Sheldon is so draining for Penny, Leonard, and the gang, that they decide to treat themselves to a Sheldon-less weekend.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Meemaw Materialization, The
Sheldon's grandmother, aka Meemaw, visits and there's friction between her and Amy, which intensifies after the elderly woman blurts out a secret about Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Valentino Submergence, The
Sheldon and Amy celebrate Valentine's Day with an episode of Fun With Flags; Leonard and Penny feel the pangs of aging; Howard and Bernadette are surprised by what they find in their hot tub.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Positive Negative Reaction, The
The gang learns Bernadette is pregnant and celebrate by singing karaoke. Meanwhile, Wolowitz freaks out over the pregnancy announcement and becomes convinced he must make more money to provide for the baby.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Application Deterioration, The
Howard reconsiders entering into a legal partnership with Leonard and Sheldon regarding the patent for the infinite persistence gyroscope. Also, the women offer Raj dating advice after Emily reaches out to him following their breakup.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1037
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Hit and Run
Charlie Bronson is a nice guy with a questionable past who risks everything when he busts out of the witness protection program to deliver his fiancé to Los Angeles to seize a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity. Their road trip grows complicated when they are chased by the feds and increasingly dangerous when Charlie's former pals, a band of gangsters, enter the fray.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie
Mexican, The
Jerry Welbach, a reluctant bagman, has been given two ultimatums: The first is from his mob boss to travel to Mexico and retrieve a priceless antique pistol, known as "the Mexican"... or suffer the consequences. The second is from his girlfriend Samantha to end his association with the mob. Jerry figures alive and in trouble with Samantha is better than the more permanent alternative, so he heads south of the border. Finding the pistol proves easy. Getting it home is another matter. The pistol supposedly carries a legendary curse--a legend Jerry is given every reason to believe... especially when Samantha is taken hostage by a hit man to ensure the safe return of the pistol.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Big Mama P
In the Season 5 premiere, Cece and Schmidt ask Jess and Nick to be maid of honor and best man at their wedding, so the two bridal-party members start to arrange an engagement party. But things take an unusual turn after Jess invites Cece's mom.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
What About Fred?
Jess is ready to date again, but is disappointed in the dud spud she lands, and things get complicated when she takes a serious liking to his perfectly fun parents.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Robert's Wedding Part 2
Robert and Amy exchange vows in a classic Barone family wedding ceremony.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Fun with Debra
Debra decides to join Ray on a golf outing in order to recover their former fun-loving relationship.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, January 29

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Thank You Notes
Marie nags her new daughter-in-law to send out thank-you notes; Debra is thrilled she finally has an ally in Amy to oppose Marie.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Home from School
Michael refuses to go to school and spends an entire day watching Ray work in his downstairs office.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show Part 1, The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show Part 2, The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 1, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 2, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One Proposes, The
Joey finds himself engaged to Rachel soon after she delivers her baby girl, while Phoebe assumes Ross is the one who proposed.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
10:00 am
ELEAGUE
Valve's Counter-Strike: Global Offensive - The Majors
1:00 pm
Salute to SAG Movie Marathon (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Salute to SAG Movie Marathon (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skywalker Incursion, The
A speaking engagement at UC Berkeley puts Leonard and Sheldon in a galaxy not too far, far away from their idol George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch, and they considrer dropping by.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fortification Implementation, The
When Sheldon and Amy build a blanket fort, they come to a big crossroad in their relationship. And Wolowitz is shocked when a man claiming to be his half-brother he never knew he had shows up at his front door. And, when Penny is invited to appear on Wil Wheaton's podcast, she and Leonard have a huge, on-air argument.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Communication Deterioration, The
In the event of Alien contact, NASA asks Raj to craft a message for the extraterrestrials, and the guys battle over how it should be handled. Meanwhile, Penny must decide between auditioning for a film role or keeping her job in pharmaceutical sales.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Graduation Transmission, The
Wolowitz questions his engineering abilities when he and Sheldon can't get a drone to fly. Meanwhile, a canceled flight nearly prevents Leonard from giving the commencement address at his former high school. And Raj pits his parents against each other when his father cuts him off financially.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Combustion, The
Leonard and Sheldon's mothers come to town to celebrate their sons getting an award, but the opinionated women engage in an altercation over religion.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Commitment Determination, The
In the Season 8 finale, Leonard and Penny are pressured to set a wedding date by Sheldon, whose relationship with Amy has taken an interesting turn.
TV-14
8:00 pm
SAG Awards
23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
10:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
11:00 pm
Movie
Olympus Has Fallen
When the President is kidnapped by a terrorist who seizes control of the White House (Secret Service Code: "Olympus"), disgraced former Presidential guard Mike Banning finds himself trapped within the building. As the national security team rushes to respond, they must rely on Banning's insider knowledge to save the President and prevent an even greater catastrophe.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Blade: Trinity
Deep in a remote desert, vampire leaders are resurrecting Dracula, the horrific creature who spawned their race. Now known as Drake, this awesome vampire has unique powers that allow him to exist in daylight. To make things even more difficult for Blade, the vampiric leadership launches a smear campaign against him, targeting him as a murderous monster and sending the FBI after him. After Blade and his mentor, Whistler, have an explosive showdown with FBI agent Cumberland and his men, it's evident that the Daywalker will need some assistance. Blade reluctantly teams up with the Nightstalkers, a group of human vampire hunters led by Whistler's beautiful daughter, Abigail, and the wisecracking Hannibal King. While their blind scientist Sommerfield works on creating a final solution for the vampire problem, the Nightstalkers launch a relentless series of battles against Dracula's gang of the undead, led by the powerful vampire Danica Talos and her fanged acolytes Asher and Grimwood. Ultimately, Blade finds himself taking on the greatest vampire of all time, as his own fate and that of humanity hang in the balance.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Chronicles of Riddick, The
It is a dark time in the universe. Planet after planet is falling to an unholy army of Necromongers--conquering warriors who offer ravaged worlds a simple choice--convert or die. Those who refuse their rule hope in vain for someone or something that will slow the spread of Necromongers. But rebels are short-lived and saviors, it seems, are in short supply. When things get bad, weary survivors turn to myths for comfort--murmured propheciesm, vain hopes, legends of good vanquishing evil. But good isn''t always the antidote to evil and legends can be wrong. Sometimes the only way to stop evil is not with good--but with another kind of evil. So an unlikely figure is summoned from exile and asked to join the fight: Riddick, who couldn''t care less who''s in charge of the universe, just as long as he''s left along. Since leaving a god-forgotten (and creature-ridden) planet in the Tauras system five years ago, the wanted fugitive hasn''t looked back. Most of the time has been spent evading capture and ghosting whatever mercenaries are on his tail. To him, it''s all the same, apocalype or no--this one-man army is interested only in saving his own life. Get in his way and his gladly take yours. But something has been set in motion, and the coming confrontation propels Riddick into a series of epic, winner-take-all battles: from an idyllic, multicultural civilizaton under seige; to a subterranean prison carved beneath the surface of a hellish, volcanic planet; and finally, aboard the massive baroque Necro motherhship and the seat of power in their black empire--the Basilica. In the final battle, it is foretold that the fate of all may depend upon the destiny of on Furyan.
TV-14
 

Monday, January 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
Teacher Pets
When Bud's English teacher has the hots for him, he seeks advice from Al, who takes time out of his busy schedule attending birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese to correct the situation with the usual Bundy flair.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Goodbye Girl, The
While Al takes a world tour via the living room couch and remote control, Kelly gets a job at the TV World theme park.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Gas Station Show, The
Al takes the family out for a Bundy Sunday Fun Day, but when he can't pay for gas, he is forced to work off his debt as an attendant on the full-serve island.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 1
The Bundys win a free trip to England but little do they know they are being set up for execution for only the death of every male Bundy can lift the curse of darkness from the English town of Lower Uncton.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Name Dropper
Doug digs a deeper hole for himself when he fakes a heart attack to avoid angering Carrie for not knowing her friend's name.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Offtrack...Bedding
Doug goes looking for his father at a model train convention and notices his mother with a very seductive Arthur Spooner.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hurricane, The
Cleveland and his family become trapped in the house without food when a hurricane ravages Stoolbend; Cleveland Jr. announces that he does not believe in God.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Nightmare on Grace Street, A
On Halloween...Donna forces Cleveland and Rallo to spend a night in a spooky abandoned house; Roberta attempts to choose between a boy she thinks is a vampire and a boy she thinks is a werewolf.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina, a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend so he can roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan's honeymoon with his wife, Sexpun Tocome, is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Midday Run
When Tina is up for a big hall monitor promotion, she is determined to do whatever it takes to nab the powerful job, so she enlists the help of Gene and Louise. Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Linda gets artsy and begins to decorate the walls with customer artwork on napkins.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Speakeasy Rider
Tina, Gene and Louise are ready to put the pedal to the metal when they join a go-kart league. Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Bob and Teddy partner up to serve Teddy's home-brewed beer.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise
In order to become an accepted member of the Community Garden, Bob must make a deal that results in giving Louise's arch enemy a job at the restaurant. Father and daughter are at odds and a choice must be made.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Can't Buy Me Math
Tina teams up with Darryl to win the Cupid's Couple contest at the school dance. Meanwhile, Linda plans a full week of ambitious Valentine's Day activities for her and Bob.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Millie-Churian Candidate, The
Tina and Louise volunteer to run Jimmy Junior's class president campaign in order to keep Millie from winning, and ruining the school. Meanwhile, Bob becomes obsessed with a knife after talking himself into buying it for $300.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
12 and a Half Angry Men
Mayor West goes on trial for murder after his aide is found stabbed to death.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bigfat
After the airplane he's riding in crashes in the Canadian wilderness, Peter transforms into a feral beast.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Total Recall
Peter discovers that he's anything but irreplaceable when Lois begins hanging out with his friends; Stewie and Brian embark on a mission to reunite Stewie with his teddy bear.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Save the Clam
Peter and his friends attempt to save The Drunken Clam bar from being demolished; Meg takes a job as an undertaker's assistant.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Farmer Guy
When a crime spree sweeps through Quahog, the Griffins move to the safety of a farm, where they're forced to open a meth lab to make ends meet.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
No Country Club for Old Men
A wealthy girl invites Chris and his family to spend time at the prestigious Barrington Country Club, but complications ensue when Carter gets kicked out of the club.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Roads to Vegas
Brian and Stewie go to Vegas, but chaos erupts when a glitch in Stewie's new teleportation machine creates a duplicate Brian and Stewie.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Finders Keepers
After Peter finally goes to the dentist to take care of his bad breath, the Griffins celebrate with a family dinner at The Founding Father Restaurant. The waiter notices Stewie coloring in his placemat, and explains that it's actually a reprinted treasure map.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Vestigial Peter
Fed up with Peter¿s old, tattered, shirt, Lois takes him to the mall to buy a new outfit for church. When Peter struggles with the top button, they notice a large lump on his neck. Alarmed, they rush to the hospital where Dr. Hartman guesses that it¿s an incomplete vestigial twin.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Quagmire's Quagmire
Quagmire purchases a new laptop, which promptly gets infected by viruses from all of the dirty websites he visits. When he takes it in to be fixed, the technician, Sonja, is unfazed by his browser history and actually recommends alternate sites. Impressed, Quagmire asks her out on a date.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fistful of Meg, A
A new kid arrives at James Woods High and quickly earns the nickname "Mental Mike" for his aggressive and violent reputation.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7987
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Silent Partner
Sophie is depressed after being swindled by the contractor in charge of building her dream house, so Max offers to make her a silent partner in the cupcake business but Caroline and Sophie have very different visions for the company.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7987
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Doll, The
One of Susan's dolls looks like George's mother; Kramer turns pool shark; guest Kathy Griffin.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Longshots, The
When Curtis Plummer, a down on his luck former high school football star, takes the only job he can find, babysitting his misfit niece Jasmine, he discovers that she has the skills that once made him a great quarterback. The only place these two opposites get along is on the field, so Curtis is determined to turn Jasmine into the star of the local team, The Minden Browns, and get his own stride back by becoming the coach. The boys on the team don't want her but when this girl quarterback shows them she's got the skills, she'll turn their whole world upside down.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Jury Duty
Jess in unable to sustain her excitement about jury duty after finding out she may be in line for a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Nick hits the ceiling over the mess Cece's made of the loft.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
No Girl
While Jess is sequestered at jury duty, Nick rents out the loft to earn money to help pay for Schmidt's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Winston suspects KC is being unfaithful and asks Cece for help learning the truth.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 2
Al, Peggy and Bud arrive in Lower Uncton, where the townspeople prepare to kill them but lost, globetrotting Kelly, is able to warn them of danger.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 3
When the townspeople of Upper and Lower Uncton fight over who gets to kill Al and Bud, Al jousts to save his neck, but a little trouble in Customs concerning a certain hotel towel gets him thrown in the dungeon.
TV-PG