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SCHEDULE: July 2017

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Saturday, July 29

6:30 am
Movie
Time Traveler's Wife, The
Clare has been in love with Henry her entire life. She believes they are destined to be together, even though she never knows when they will be separated: Henry is a time traveler--cursed with a rare genetic anomaly that causes him to live his life on a shifting timeline, skipping back and forth through his lifespan with no control. Despite the fact that Henry''s travels force them apart with no warning, Clare desperately tries to build a life with her one true love.
TV-14
8:30 am
Movie
Admission
TV-14
10:45 am
Movie
Wanderlust
George and Linda are an overextended, stressed out Manhattan couple. After George is downsized from his financial firm and Linda's depressing documentary is cancelled, they find themselves with only one option: to move in with George's awful brother in Atlanta. On the way there, George and Linda stumble upon Elysium, an idyllic community populated by colorful characters who embrace a different way of looking at things. Money? It can't buy happiness. Careers? Who needs them? Clothes? Only if you want them. Is Elysium the fresh start George and Linda need? Or will the change of perspective cause more problems than it solves?
TV-14
12:45 pm
Movie
Entourage
Movie star Vincent Chase, together with his boys, Eric, Turtle and Johnny, are back in business with super agent-turned-studio head Ari Gold. Some of their ambitions have changed, but the bond between them remains strong as they navigate the capricious and often cutthroat world of Hollywood.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 1, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 2, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
People of Earth
New Beginnings
After learning the members of StarCrossed were on the ship as kids, Ozzie tries to get the group back together. Disgraced FBI agent Alex Foster is sent to Beacon to investigate white-collar criminal Jonathan Walsh. A merger takes place on the ship and the aliens are under new management. Don and Kelly go to visit his "dying mother" in Iceland.
TV-MA
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doll, The
One of Susan's dolls looks like George's mother; Kramer turns pool shark; guest Kathy Griffin.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Friar's Club, The
Jerry tries to join the Friars Club; a new co-worker causes more work for Elaine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monopolar Expedition, The
The guys' prestigious offer to work over the summer at the North Pole, and Penny's resultant behavior leaves Leonard unsure if he should go.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Electric Can Opener Fluctuation, The
Discovering Leonard, Raj and Howard fudged the results of his Arctic research expedition, a disgraced Sheldon heads home to Texas.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jiminy Conjecture, The
Sheldon and Howard wager comic books over a cricket's species. Meanwhile, a less-than-perfect romantic night agonizes Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gothowitz Deviation, The
Howard takes Raj along to check out the Goth dating scene. Sheldon uses chocolate as part of a behavior modification experiment on Penny.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pirate Solution, The
Facing a return to India, Raj needs a job desperately enough to consider working for Sheldon. Meanwhile, Howard becomes a third wheel to Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Creepy Candy Coating Corollary, The
Sheldon looks forward to squaring off against the one actor from the Star Trek universe he holds enmity towards, Wil Wheaton, in a fantasy collectible card game tournament. Wolowitz cashes in on an old pact with Leonard to get Penny to set him up with a friend of hers.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
July 26, 2017
Samantha Bee offers up a warning to the newest member of the Trump administration... beware the spreading taint!
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Sister Mercy
After discovering the pirate's plan to harvest their organs, the survivors attempt to escape the island. Karen must make a difficult decision that echoes a moment from her past. Will the pirates remain the captains now
TV-MA
12:00 am
People of Earth
New Beginnings
After learning the members of StarCrossed were on the ship as kids, Ozzie tries to get the group back together. Disgraced FBI agent Alex Foster is sent to Beacon to investigate white-collar criminal Jonathan Walsh. A merger takes place on the ship and the aliens are under new management. Don and Kelly go to visit his "dying mother" in Iceland.
TV-MA
12:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Window of Opportunity
When Max and Caroline offer to deep-clean a previously hidden part of the diner, they discover something that could re-launch their cupcake business.
TV-14
1:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Soft Opening
Business is booming at Max & Caroline's new cupcake walk-up after word spreads about a shocking incident involving a rock star.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie
Entourage
Movie star Vincent Chase, together with his boys, Eric, Turtle and Johnny, are back in business with super agent-turned-studio head Ari Gold. Some of their ambitions have changed, but the bond between them remains strong as they navigate the capricious and often cutthroat world of Hollywood.
TV-14
3:45 am
Movie
Admission
TV-14
 

Sunday, July 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
Every Bundy Has a Birthday
When Seven can't remember his birthday, Peggy assigns him one, selecting the next day, which also happens to be Al's birthday. The family decides to go to the town park to celebrate, only to find it's been rented by a rich, snobby family.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al on the Rocks
When Peggy panics over Seven's sneezes, she begins piling up medical bills, forcing Al to take on a second job as a topless bartender.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman.
TV-14
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model Jill Connick. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
When Ross and Monica's grandmother dies, the whole gang attends the funeral service. Chandler questions his sexual persona when a co-worker wants to arrange a date for him with another guy.
TV-14
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Money Talks
On the weekend of his wedding, tabloid television journalist James Russell is in need of a scoop. He finds it when a famous jewel thief, Villard, escapes from prison while handcuffed to Franklin Hatchett, a ticket scalper. Once the burglar and Franklin are separated, the latter teams up with Russell to locate a Villard's hidden cache of diamonds.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour
As the FBI scrambles to save the life of the kidnapped daughter of the Chinese Consul, the diplomat hires trusted Hong Kong police detective Lee to find the girl. Unwilling to have their investigation invaded by a meddling outsider, the FBI assigns a rogue LAPD detective to keep Detective Lee away from the case at any cost. Carter, the detective, covertly embarks on a one-man crusade to solve the case, having first distracted Lee. Within hours, Carter realises he has greatly underestimated his Hong Kong counterpart, who has seen through his ruse, given Carter the slip, and landed in the middle of the FBI's investigation. Both excluded by the FBI, these two cops from very different worlds must join forces to save the young girl.
TV-14
2:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Chicago Cubs @ Milwaukee Brewers
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Stoned Guy, The
A restaurant owner interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to talk dirty to women.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Two Parts Part 1, The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Get Hard
When millionaire hedge fund manager James King is nailed for fraud and bound for a stretch in San Quentin, the judge gives him 30 days to get his affairs in order. Desperate, he turns to Darnell Lewis to prep him for a life behind bars. But despite James' one-percenter assumptions, Darnell is a hard-working small business owner who has never received a parking ticket, let alone been to prison. Together, the two men do whatever it takes for James to "get hard" and, in the process, discover how wrong they were about a lot of things - including each other.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cornhusker Vortex, The
Leonard, hoping to fit in with Penny's football-loving friends, gets tutored in the sport by Sheldon. Raj is infuriated when Wolowitz's skirt-chasing leads to the loss of his prized patang.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Guitarist Amplification, The
Leonard and Penny's first big fight sees Sheldon playing mediator due to childhood trauma that's left him with an inability to be around loud verbal conflicts.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Adhesive Duck Deficiency, The
With the rest of the gang off on a desert camping trip to view the Leonid meteor shower, Sheldon must play hero after Penny slips in the tub and dislocates her shoulder.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vengeance Formulation, The
Barry Kripke pranks Sheldon during his spot on NPR, leaving him with a taste for vengeance. Wolowitz, pressured by Bernadette to define their relationship, gets advice from a fantasy version of Katee Sackhoff.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Experiment, The
Penny seeks Sheldon's help to better comprehend Leonard's physics work. Wolowitz sees green when Leonard invites Bernadette to watch an experiment.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Congruence, The
A Christmas visit from his mother has Leonard discovering she's kept a lot of news from him that she shares with Sheldon and worrying if she'll approve of his romance with Penny.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Ransom
Newly arrived pirates attempt to ransom Danny and maroon the others. Steve tries to make amends for murdering a survivor. The pirates are the captains now.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Poison
After the pirates decide to stay on the island, Pack tries to negotiate a truce. Steve pitches Danny a new business venture. Pack is the captain now.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Caiman
After something taints their water upstream, Florence and Karen hike into the jungle to find the source. The others debate whether they want the pirates to spoil "Game of Thrones." Steve strikes up an unlikely romance. Florence is the captain now.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Tony Pepperoni
Owen and Florence deal with the return of a deadly foe. Todd makes a haunting discovery about his past after trying to fist fight Chet. I guess Owen is the captain now. Or maybe Florence again Hard to say.
TV-MA
1:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
No One Rides for Free
Jess and Todd attempt to buy passage on the pirate's ship through unconventional means. Owen starts to have feelings for Florence, as Steve grapples with his new love. Jess and Todd are both the captains now, like a sort of dual-captain scenario.
TV-MA
1:30 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Sister Mercy
After discovering the pirate's plan to harvest their organs, the survivors attempt to escape the island. Karen must make a difficult decision that echoes a moment from her past. Will the pirates remain the captains now
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Money Talks
On the weekend of his wedding, tabloid television journalist James Russell is in need of a scoop. He finds it when a famous jewel thief, Villard, escapes from prison while handcuffed to Franklin Hatchett, a ticket scalper. Once the burglar and Franklin are separated, the latter teams up with Russell to locate a Villard's hidden cache of diamonds.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Tower Heist
Queens native Josh Kovaks has managed one of the most luxurious and well-secured residences in New York City for more than a decade. Under his watchful eye, nothing goes undetected. In the swankiest unit atop Josh''s building, Wall Street titan Arthur Shaw is under house arrest after being caught stealing two billion from his investors. The hardest hit among those he defrauded? The tower staffers whose pensions he was entrusted to manage. With only days before Arthur gets away with the perfect crime, Josh''s crew turns to petty crook Slide to plan the nearly impossible...to steal what they are sure is hidden in Arthur''s guarded condo. Though amateurs, these rookie thieves know the building better than anyone. Turns out they''ve been casing the place for years, they just didn''t know it.
TV-14
 

Monday, July 31

6:00 am
Married With Children
What I Did for Love
In an effort to renew her husband's romantic interest in her, Peg drags Al along to shop for some exciting lingerie, only to find Bud hitting on one of the store mannequins. After trying every trick in the book, Peg finally discovers food is the only way to arouse Al, but when she slaves away in the kitchen in exchange for a few romantic results, she refuses to do any more cooking.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Two Parts Part 2, The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors. Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fiance.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fiance. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Daesong Heavy Industries II: Return to Innocence
Everyone is separated after the ship explodes: Stan and Francine lose their memories and resort to primitive living on an island, Hayley and Jeff are rescued by the Navy and Jeff decides to enlist, and Roger and Steve try to survive on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Criss-Cross Applesauce: The Ballad of Billy Jesusworth
When Roger breaks his ankle, Francine convinces Stan to let him play in his basketball league. Meanwhile, Steve sings a song that parodies R. Kelley's "Trapped in the Closet."
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Mine Struggle
When Stan discovers a salt mine in the backyard, the Morton Salt Company wants to buy it. It turns out Steve is the rightful owner of the land and he faces pressure from the family to sell.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Garfield and Friends
Stan brings President Garfield back to life in order to teach Hayley about history. Steve writes for the school newspaper.
TV-14
3:00 pm
People of Earth
New Beginnings
After learning the members of StarCrossed were on the ship as kids, Ozzie tries to get the group back together. Disgraced FBI agent Alex Foster is sent to Beacon to investigate white-collar criminal Jonathan Walsh. A merger takes place on the ship and the aliens are under new management. Don and Kelly go to visit his "dying mother" in Iceland.
TV-MA
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Eat, Spray, Linda
It's Linda's birthday and Bob needs more time to plan her birthday surprise. But when he sends her out of the house as a distraction, she goes missing! Mayhem ensues as the Belchers must work together to find Linda.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Housetrap
In true Belcher fashion, the family gets stuck in a terrible storm while taking care of a beach house in Craggy Neck. The storm is the least of their worries, however, when they are forced to take shelter with the mysterious owner of the home.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Hawk & Chick
Bob and Louise are thrilled when they meet Hawk, the aging star of their favorite 70Æs era samurai vs. monster movie series. When they find out that Hawk is estranged from his daughter, who co-starred as Chick in his movies with him, they decide to engineer a Hawk and Chick reunion.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Oeder Games, The
With the threat of a rent increase on Ocean Avenue, Bob and the other tenants organize a rent strike only to discover they will have to compete with each other on the grounds of Mr. Fischoeder's estate in order to keep their rents reasonable.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Into Fat Air
When the successful family of Lois' ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, mentions that they're all climbing Mount Everest, Peter announces that the Griffins are climbing it too...and will beat the Fishmans to the top. But the Griffins are woefully unprepared for the trip.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ratings Guy
The Griffins are chosen to be a Neilsen family, and Peter takes advantage of the chance to reformat TV to his taste - except that everyone else hates his changes.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Old Man and the Big C
Brian overhears a doctor telling Carter that Carter has only two weeks to live, but when Lois frantically checks on her father he's mysteriously healthy - and Brian wants to know why.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Yug Ylimaf
Brian discovers that he can use Stewie's time machine to pick up girls, but when he tries to cover his tracks he accidentally reverses the flow of time.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Joe's Revenge
Joe, Peter and Quagmire set out to capture the criminal who caused Joe's paralysis; Brian grows jealous of Quagmire's cat.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lois Comes Out of Her Shell
After celebrating another birthday, Lois adopts a younger look and lifestyle - much to Peter's chagrin; a vengeful turtle targets the Griffins.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends Without Benefits
Meg discovers that a boy she has a crush on is gay - and that has his eye on Chris.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
As Christmas approaches...Peter tells the story of the Nativity, with friends and family members appearing as biblical characters.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Space Cadet
After Chris enrolls in a NASA space camp, Stewie accidentally launches the Griffins into outer space.
TV-14
10:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Bitchin' Race, The
The family competes on the reality show The Bitchin' Race. After Stan and Hayley ditch the less-motivated Steve and Francine and team up, they end up in a Tunisian labor prison.
TV-14
10:30 pm
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71045
Guests: Will Arnett, Rory Scovel, Luis Fonsi
TV-14
12:00 am
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71045
Guests: Will Arnett, Rory Scovel, Luis Fonsi
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Calzone, The
George becomes his boss's pet when he shares a delicious calzone with him.
TV-PG
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Kickstarter
Caroline tries to raise money for an expensive pair of new pants through an online fundraising site. Meanwhile, Max's new smartphone comes between her and Caroline.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank
When Max becomes smitten with an old stray cat that's been hanging around the apartment, Caroline tries to convince her they need to find it a better home. But just when they think they've found one, the cat's fate takes a turn.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Quest for the Spear, The
When a brilliant student takes a job at the New York Public Library, he learns it actually involves safeguarding ancient mystic and historical treasures secretly warehoused there, protecting them from the forces of evil. When one of the artifacts, one of three sections of the Spear of Destiny, gets taken by the Serpent Brotherhood, he must track it down across the globe with the help of a female operative of the Library, skilled in the arts of self defense. They must race against the clock before the brotherhood tracks down and assembles all three sections of the spear and risk giving them the power over the world''s destiny.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, August 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Old College Try
Bud's big plans to move into his college dorm are destroyed when Al and Peg manage to get their hands on his scholarship money and go on a shopping spree. Broke and dormless, Bud is forced back into the Bundy household.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her makeup right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Shrink Wrap
Carrie and Doug send Arthur to a psychiatrist, to whom he reveals his relationship with his father.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Eddie Money
Doug tries to keep secret from Carrie $5,000 he won in a gambling pool.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Two Thirty
When Doug goes to Dr. Farber for a root canal, he finds out Carrie used have a major crush on the dentist.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Window Pain
Carrie becomes obsessed with trying to impress the neighbors.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Gift Me Liberty
When Bullock is upset that somebody did not bring a gift to the CIA Secret Santa party, Stan goes on a mission to find out who it was. Meanwhile, Steve poses as the good guy boyfriend of several female classmates.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Next of Pin
Stan and Steve start bowling together to have more quality time and Steve gets discovered for his bowling talent. Klaus holds a contest to test whether Roger or Hayley have the worse attention span.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Standard Deviation
In order to avoid being sent on a suicide mission, Stan learns how to become a DJ to beat Bullock in a DJ Battle. Jeff takes up drinking psychedelic teas and Roger helps him build an imaginary musical instrument.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Father's Daze
The Smith family forgets to celebrate Father's Day, and so to make it up to Stan, they plan out the perfect day. Stan uses a CIA device to erase their memories and have them continually plan perfect days for him.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream
When Peter decides to be a famous actor, he becomes Tom Tucker's agent as his first step toward stardom. Meanwhile, Chris dates a girl who looks disturbingly like a member of the Griffin household.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Be Careful What You Fish For
When Peter and the guys try to salvage a sunken Mercedes-Benz, Peter half-heartedly promises a favor to a helpful dolphin (guest voice Ricky Gervais). Soon the dolphin moves to Quahog, outstays his welcome at Peter's and moves into Cleveland's house across the street. Peter tries to reunite the dolphin with his ex-wife in hopes that he'll return to the ocean, but his plan backfires and the whole dolphin family moves into Cleveland's.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Baby on the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit Part 1, The
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit Part 2, The
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Psychic Vortex, The
Leonard is aghast to find out a secret of Penny's: she believes in psychics. Meanwhile, Sheldon tries to assist Koothrappali in picking up a girl at a university party.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the Lord of the Rings films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off at the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying I love you.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Cruise-ifornication
After making it onto the pirate's ship (which turns out to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute band cruise), the survivors divide after some get showers and some don't. Pack and Bruce form an unlikely friendship. Really you could make a case for the Red Hot Chili Peppers being the captains now.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71046
Guests: Holly Hunter, Natasha Lyonne, Robert Cray & Hi Rhythm
TV-14
12:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Cruise-ifornication
After making it onto the pirate's ship (which turns out to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute band cruise), the survivors divide after some get showers and some don't. Pack and Bruce form an unlikely friendship. Really you could make a case for the Red Hot Chili Peppers being the captains now.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71046
Guests: Holly Hunter, Natasha Lyonne, Robert Cray & Hi Rhythm
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Group Head
When Max and Caroline can't figure out how to use the new cappuccino maker they bought for their cupcake business, they take temporary side jobs as baristas at a coffee house to learn the ropes.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cronuts
When Max and Caroline start losing business to the new cronut craze (half-croissant, half-donut), they come up with their own trend: cake fries.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines, The
Librarian-turned-adventurer Flynn Carsen (Wyle) endeavors to find King Solomon''s mines.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Fed up with his non-existent social life, Bud decides to go on a dating game for nerds. Everyone is surprised when the beautiful Candy chooses Bud for his date. Although the two don't hit it off, Bud is certain that Candy will choose him on next week's show to accompany her on a dream date to Bermuda. Bud is disappointed when she chooses the show's handsome Latin Lover, and returns to find, much to his surprise, a host of available and willing women waiting for him.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
Peg whips out a trashy romance novel to try to help Seven fall asleep and, imagining herself as the beautiful Princess Scarlett, tells of being kidnapped by Captain Courage, who bears striking resemblance to Al. When Paco, her supposed savior, develops an interest in the androgynous Cabin Boy-Girl, Scarlett turns to Captain Courage, promising to be a loyal servant who will work to feed and clothe him.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, August 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
At first depressed when a theater cashier mistakes him for a senior citizen, Al reconsiders and sees the benefits to getting a senior citizen discount card. Al enters the Chicago Area Senior Athletic Championships much to the embarrassment of his family. Placing fifteenth at the end of the first day's events, Al becomes inspired by the memory of his high school football career. He struggles into second place and after debating whether or not it would be fair to steal the title from an old guy, he catches a glimpse of the trophy and snatches the victory for himself.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
When Al renders a burglar unconscious, he is dubbed a local hero for bravely defending his home. Trying to capitalize on his fame, Al proposes selling advertising space on his clothing. All plans are destroyed however, when he is notified the burglar is suing him for $50,000. Finally, with nothing left to lose, Al hits the burglar again hoping to reverse his losses by suing him for damage to his hand.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
When the Bundy family is reminded that Kelly's birthday is coming up, Al seizes the opportunity to appear generous by offering to take her to the movies after Kelly's boyfriend, Frank, has already invited her out. Certain that Kelly would refuse, the Bundys are surprised when she cancels her date with Frank to join them. As they are settling into their seats at the theater, Kelly is shocked to find Frank out with another girl. Kelly confronts Frank about his unfaithfulness then sends Al over to beat him up.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
Peg's complaints about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor makes him the laughing stock of the town. Trying to pull him out of his depression, Peg spreads rumors that she was ravished by him. Despite her efforts, Al still feels inadequate until he has some old flames confirm his sexual prowess. Convinced that he was once a real stud, he works his way back into shape and finally impresses Peg with his revitalized sexual vigor.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Convinced by Peg and the kids to take the $12,000 offered by his company for early retirement, Al is forced to take another job as a trainee at Homeplate Athletic Shoes when they start spending the nest egg at a rate that is sure to leave them broke. Al learns that three of his coworkers are planning to buy the store but, hoping to join them in the purchase, he misses out when Peg fails to wake him on time. Finally, Al decides to spend his last $6000 on the lottery, only to find that his coworkers are the big winners.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
Upon reporting that the family's dilapidated 1974 Dodge has been stolen, Al is furious to find out that the insurance will only give him $50 for the car, so he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things that were in the missing car's trunk. When the police show up and announce that they have found the old Dodge, Al insists that he is happier with his old car back, than he would be with the multi-million dollar settlement.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Arthur, Spooner
Team leader Carrie grows frustrated with her drab work group; Doug begins relying on Arthur's company in order to fall asleep.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Kirbed Enthusiasm
Doug agrees to try out for a semiprofessional football league if Kirby will stay with peewee football.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Holy Mackerel
When Carrie prays for a raise and actually gets one, she and Doug start praying for more things.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Jung Frankenstein
Carrie tries to coax Doug's therapist into targeting his bad habits.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Fight and Flight
Stan goes over-the-top to produce a reenactment of Charles Lindbergh's solo flight for Steve's school project after he gets an F. Klaus buys a pair of shoes online and Hayley helps him harass the neighbor they believe has stolen them.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba, The
Hayley takes Roger with her to a meditation center and he quickly takes over, becoming one of the world's leading authorities on meditation. Stan and Steve become apprentices as they are taught the art of making sushi.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Portrait of Francine's Genitals
Stan is embarrassed when a painting of Francine's genitals, done by a famous artist, is unveiled at the museum. Steve turns to helping people after masturbation is ruined by his mom's portrait.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Bahama Mama
Stan is upset at the idea of becoming a grandfather after Hayley and Jeff announce they're trying to have a baby. Steve and Klaus join a drug gang after Steve decides to take being an uncle extra seriously.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death Has a Shadow
Peter gets drunk, setting off a series of events which end at the Super Bowl.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Never Met The Dead Man
Teaching Meg to drive, Peter wrecks a satellite dish; Stewie hates vegetables.
TV-14
3:00 pm
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding with some help from an uncomfortable Ross.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 1, The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 2, The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know, The
Ross and Rachel encounter obstacles to romance. Monica becomes enamored with a handsome, older doctor.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Invitations, The
George searches for a way to stop his impending nuptials; guests Janeane Garofalo, Stephen Root, George Steinbrenner.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bizzaro Jerry, The
Elaine's soon-to-be former beau has two friends who resemble George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure, and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler, his first date ever, and Penny finds herself accompanying them.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon breaks up with Amy Farrah Fowler, the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 2055
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71050
Guests: Elle Fanning, Ally Maki, James Acaster
TV-14
12:00 am
Seinfeld
Little Kicks, The
Kramer's friend forces Jerry to perform an illegal activity.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71050
Guests: Elle Fanning, Ally Maki, James Acaster
TV-14
1:30 am
The Detour
Wedding, The
Instead of getting back on the road, Robin agrees to marry the southern gentleman Dr. Rob and his Russian bride but soon realizes that something is very, very, very, very wrong.
TV-MA
2:00 am
The Detour
Road, The
Blue Thunder is stuck in traffic. Nate and Robin take a stroll down memory lane about how they met and the kids learn an important lesson in too much information. Seriously. Too much. Stop telling us all this.
TV-MA
2:30 am
The Detour
Drop, The
Nate needs to take a detour to Salvation, Florida where it's Christmas every day of the year except on Christmas. Things get tense when the family discovers Nate has been lying to them in addition to the fact that they are being followed by government goons.
TV-MA
3:00 am
The Detour
Track, The
The Parkers finally make it to Ft. Lauderdale only to have Nate's plan of getting his job back completely unravel. Fortunately, at a nearby race track, there is hope.
TV-MA
3:30 am
The Detour
Beach, The
Nate, Robin and the kids attempt to take down Nate's company in epic whistle blowing fashion. It won't be easy, but if there's one thing we've learned about this family is that they don't give up without at least a punch to the throat and maybe a cheap kick to the groin.
TV-MA
4:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
Jimmy, the Bundy's cousin, is intent on killing the man who slept with his wife on their wedding day. Bud is worried that he will be identified as the culprit and is relieved when Jimmy enlists him to help find the guilty party. When Jimmy suspects Jefferson, Bud realizes he must admit his wrongdoing, only to find out that Jimmy is no longer interested, having found a new woman, Dee Anna. All is fine until Dee Anna tries to seduce Bud behind Jimmy's back.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
When Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, arrives she makes an indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night with Al. Though both Peg and Al have reservations about the proposal, they agree to do it for the children. However, after actually seeing Al in bed with Coco, Peggy reneges on the deal and returns Coco's check.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket?, A
Al and Peggy go to a basketball game, and they switch seats. Soon, Peg is called up for a free throw, which Al feels should have been his since it was his seat in the first place. It's up to Peggy to make the free throw and win the $10,000.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Hood 'n the Boyz
Al meets his girlfriend from when he was young, and a gang seems to be bothering her. Al feels he should help her with the problem.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, August 3

6:00 am
Married With Children
Proud to Be Your Bud?
Bud's latest attempts to impress women fail miserably, causing him such embarrassment that he confines himself to the basement. But when his cool alter ego appears, Bud learns the secrets of gaining adoration.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Luck of the Bundys
Peg checks Al's horoscope and insists he's due for a stroke of good luck. But when good things actually start happening, Al gets a shrinking feeling that his luck won't last.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Banking on Marcy
When Marcy's superiors at the bank ask her to deliver bad news at a shareholder's meeting, she calls a radio therapist who suggests she focus on sex to overcome her fear of speaking in public, advice that leads to disastrous results.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Chicken, No Check
Al quits lending his car to Kelly and Bud, who take matters into their own hands and purchase one to share. But when both make plans for the drive-in, they are forced to double date, with each trying to get the other out of the car.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Take My Wife, Please
On Halloween, Al is left to face Death as Peggy and the kids are recruited to fill in for the Village People.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
Al tries to counsel a new employee against marriage.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Mammary Lane
Carrie baby-sits for the boss' son; Doug tries to make friends with the new shoe girl (Rachel Dratch) at the bowling alley.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Business Affairs
Doug gets jealous of Carrie's gay co-worker and worries about the strength of their marriage.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Flash Photography
While at a wedding, Doug plays a lewd joke with a disposable camera.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Flame Resistant
Carrie finds out Doug's high-school sweetheart (Lola Glaudini) still keeps in touch with his mother.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Roger's Baby
Hayley experiences what pregnancy would be like after Roger agrees to give birth to Jeff so he can be human again. Snot's feelings are hurt when Steve secretly signs him up for a makeover.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Ninety North, Zero West
The Smith family must rescue Steve after he is kidnapped and taken to the North Pole. There, Santa Claus is using children to mine for precious stones that he needs to perform an ancient ritual.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Whole Slotta Love
Francine becomes less attracted to Stan when he gets involved with slot car racing. Roger becomes a stewardess to perform comedy routines on the plane but is upset when another stewardess is funnier than him.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Witches of Langley, The
Steve and his friends take up witchcraft to gain power and popularity at school. Stan and Klaus become obsessed with remembering 90s bands.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chitty Chitty Death Bang
It's Stewie's first birthday, but Meg is at a party that is really a cult meeting.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mind Over Murder
Peter is under house arrest after punching a pregnant woman he thought was a man.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Moves Out, The
Monica's parents find out about her middle-aged boyfriend. Chandler and Joey argue and it could mean the end of their living arrangement.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Moves In, The
Joey wants to move back in with Chandler, but there's a new problem. Phoebe tapes a rock video. Ross upsets Monica.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies, The
Monica and Richard experience the same romantic problems as Rachel and Ross. Joey's ill-advised comments to a fan magazine threaten his acting career.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Won't Go, The
Chandler wants his annoying new roommate to move out. Joey's exorbitant bills come due. The women learn from a book about personal empowerment.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Old Yeller Dies, The
Monica's boyfriend impresses Chandler and Joey. Phoebe finds out what she missed as a child.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Bullies, The
Chandler and Joey are scared of two bullies. Phoebe meets her long-lost family members.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fatigues, The
Jerry's new girlfriend has a mentor; Elaine must fire a troubled employee.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Checks, The
Jerry receives bundles of small residual checks from his Japanese TV appearance.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chicken Roaster, The
A celebrity opens a chicken restaurant in Jerry's neighborhood.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Seinfeld
Abstinence, The
George benefits when his new girlfriend's illness requires their abstinence.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Seinfeld
Andrea Doria, The
George wants a better apartment; Jerry learns Newman is hiding mail.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed, and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother and comes to the realization he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
10:00 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
10:27 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71052
Guests: Will Ferrell, Ha Ha Tonka
TV-14
12:00 am
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71052
Guests: Will Ferrell, Ha Ha Tonka
TV-14
1:30 am
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Piece of Sheet
Caroline buys Max a new bedding set and gives away the old sheets to charity without realizing they had sentimental value to her.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Girlfriend Experience
Han asks Max and Caroline to convince a stripper to pretend to be his girlfriend when his mother visits from Korea.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
No Ma'am
The women take over the bowling alley and the nudie bar. Al and his group are furious and create the No Ma'am group and soon hack into the television.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
Al and Jefferson avoid a theater event in order to go to a sports bar.
TV-PG
 

Friday, August 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
Feeling disenchanted and ignored, Buck runs away.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
Al is accidentally circumcised.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
On Christmas Eve, Kelly and Bud try to sneak in a jukebox to give to their parents who spend the entire show sitting in front of their TV set arguing with each other over the proper speed for channel switching. Also, Marcy and Jefferson throw a wild Christmas party next door and do not tell Al about it.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
Al and Peggy go away for awhile, and Kelly has her boyfriend over, who happens to ruin the couch. Bud and Kelly have to replace it before Al and Peggy come back.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
Peggy's birthday gift for Al causes quite a stir at the mall.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
How Green Was My Apple
The Bundy's and the D'Arcys go to war over a property line dispute.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Connect Four
Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to join them at a Knicks game.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mentalo Case
Doug recalls his childhood toy Mentalo; Arthur sends Holly to find the perfect gift for his daughter.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Loaner Car
Doug persuades Carrie to help Deacon prepare Thanksgiving Day dinner.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Golden Moldy
Doug downplays a problem in the basement so he and Carrie can still go on a trip they have planned.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Nice Night for a Drive, A
Klaus gets transferred into the navigation system of Stan's car after Stan refuses to pay for a life-saving surgery. Steve and his friends prank Roger's Frank character and he terrorizes them for revenge.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Casino Normale
Francine steals from the CIA and pretends to be a sexy supervillain to incite Stan to be more seductive. Roger tricks Hayley and Steve into trapping Jay Leno so he can take revenge on him.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hero Sits Next Door, A
Peter, jealous of the new neighbors, foils a bank robbery for attention.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Family Guy
Son Also Draws, The
Lois loses $20,000 gambling at the Indian casino.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Two Parties, The
Rachel gets a surprise at her birthday party when her parents show up.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Chicken Pox, The
When Phoebe catches chicken pox, her chances for romance with a former lover are almost ruined. Monica worries that she is too strange for Richard.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding, The
Rachel is a bridesmaid at her ex-fiance's wedding. Monica and Richard's relationship is jeopardized when the subject of children is discussed.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Princess Leia Fantasy, The
Ross' secret fantasy doesn't stay secret for long after he confides in Rachel. Chandler resumes an old relationship.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One's Ready, The
Ross becomes frantic trying to get everyone ready to leave to hear his speech at the museum.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Jam, The
Monica wants to have a baby. A man is stalking Phoebe.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Little Jerry, The
George finds the perfect woman; Kramer gets a pet; Elaine dates a bald man.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Comeback, The
Jerry joins a tennis club; a co-worker's insults test George.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Money, The
Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac, thinking he needs money; J. Peterman returns.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover, he forbids the others from hooking up with her unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father, while Howard, Raj and Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
10:00 pm
ELEAGUE
Road To The International Dota 2 Championships: The Journey Begins
This four-episode series will follow professional ELEAGUE players and teams vying for esports' largest prize pool - over 21 million dollars. The initial episodes of the series will focus on team life and drama as the best players in the world train for one of the most prestigious events in esports.
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Lego Movie, The
Emmet is an ordinary, rules-following, perfectly average LEGO minifigure who is mistakenly identified as the most extraordinary person and the key to saving the world. He is drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant, a journey for which Emmet is hopelessly under-prepared.
TV-PG
1:15 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn''t all it''s cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he''s no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he''s only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies'' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department''s beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman''s utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
3:15 am
Movie
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
The shy Professor Sherman Klump is getting married. And the Klump family couldn''t be more delighted. His fiancee Denise is thrilled to become a Klump, and with her appetite she''ll fit right in; Mama thinks it''s fabulous; Papa''s less grouchy; Granny''s relieved that Sherman will finally be enjoying the pleasures of intimate relations; and Ernie has simmered down. But Buddy Love--well, Buddy that''s another matter. Professor Klump''s ferocious alter ego Buddy Love breaks loose just as Klump is getting ready to marry his colleague. Hoping to finally rid himself of the monstrous Buddy, Klump decides to utilize Denise''s cutting-edge DNA research and extract Buddy''s DNA from his system. But Buddy reacts by laying claim to the professor''s astounding invention -- a revolutionary youth serum -- which Klump then hides in his family''s home. But Buddy locates the "youth juice" and makes off with it, forcing Klump into a desperate race against time that may restore his family and win him back the woman he loves.
TV-14
5:15 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
How They Met
As they prepare Ally for a play date, Ray and Debra reminisce about when they first met.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, August 5

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Boob Job
Debra is upset when she sees Ray's reaction to a friend's breast implants.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
You Bet
Frank's sudden jovial mood makes Ray suspicious.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Can Opener, The
The whole family chooses sides when Ray and Debra fight over a newly acquired can opener.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sex Talk
Ray and Debra consult Frank and Marie about what an older couple's sex life should be.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
She's the Man
It''s hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn''t count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn''t begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she''d always dreamed of meeting. If things weren''t complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he''s been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
10:00 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn''t all it''s cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he''s no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he''s only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies'' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department''s beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman''s utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Movie
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
The shy Professor Sherman Klump is getting married. And the Klump family couldn''t be more delighted. His fiancee Denise is thrilled to become a Klump, and with her appetite she''ll fit right in; Mama thinks it''s fabulous; Papa''s less grouchy; Granny''s relieved that Sherman will finally be enjoying the pleasures of intimate relations; and Ernie has simmered down. But Buddy Love--well, Buddy that''s another matter. Professor Klump''s ferocious alter ego Buddy Love breaks loose just as Klump is getting ready to marry his colleague. Hoping to finally rid himself of the monstrous Buddy, Klump decides to utilize Denise''s cutting-edge DNA research and extract Buddy''s DNA from his system. But Buddy reacts by laying claim to the professor''s astounding invention -- a revolutionary youth serum -- which Klump then hides in his family''s home. But Buddy locates the "youth juice" and makes off with it, forcing Klump into a desperate race against time that may restore his family and win him back the woman he loves.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Metaphorical Tunnel, The
Chandler wants to commit to a relationship with Janice. Phoebe poses as Joey's agent.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Frank Jr., The
Phoebe tries to be more friendly with her half-brother. Ross meets Isabella Rossellini.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Flashback, The
The friends recall secrets from their pasts.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Race Car Bed, The
Joey sees Janice kissing her husband, whom she is divorcing while she dates Chandler. Rachel's father clashes with Ross.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Giant Poking Device, The
Chandler and Janice make a difficult decision about their relationship. Monica accidentally injures Ben and tries to hide it from Ross.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister, The
Rachel meets a handsome stranger, who might help her career. Chandler gets into trouble with Joey's sisters.
TV-14
5:00 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
5:30 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Van Buren Boys, The
George interviews student candidates for Susan's scholarship.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Susie, The
Elaine creates an alternate persona at work; George tries to keep a girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pothole, The
George takes extreme measures to locate his lost Yankees key ring.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
English Patient, The
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor (Lloyd Bridges).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged but wealthy, Caltech donor makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 2055
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Cruise-ifornication
After making it onto the pirate's ship (which turns out to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute band cruise), the survivors divide after some get showers and some don't. Pack and Bruce form an unlikely friendship. Really you could make a case for the Red Hot Chili Peppers being the captains now.
12:00 am
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
12:30 am
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
12:57 am
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
1:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the "It" Hole
Caroline's date is a no-show after promising to take her to one of the city's hippest new restaurants, so she and Max decide to take advantage of the hard-to-get reservation.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Movie
She's the Man
It''s hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn''t count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn''t begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she''d always dreamed of meeting. If things weren''t complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he''s been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
 

Sunday, August 6

6:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Jealousy, The
Ross overreacts when Rachel starts working with a handsome guy. Monica becomes enamored with a sexy busboy.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends, The
When Monica and Richard accidentally meet, they decide to become friends with dire consequences.
TV-14
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner, The
Phoebe's ex-singing partner wants to make Phoebe's signature song, Smelly Cat, a commercial success. Chandler dates a woman with a handicap.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break Part 1, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a foreign diplomat. Ross becomes involved with another woman after a fight with Rachel.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One the Morning After Part 2, The
Ross wakes up with Chloe but an oblivious Rachel wants to resume their relationship.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Without the Ski Trip, The
Ross and Rachel remain apart while their friends feel forced to choose between them.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Shanghai Noon
Acrobatic Chinese Imperial Guard Chon Wang comes to America to rescue beautiful, kidnapped Princess Pei Pei. Upon transporting her ransom, Chon finds himself on the very train that Roy O'Bannon, an outlaw of dubious competence, plans to rob. They reluctantly become partners when faced with bad-seed Marshall Van Cleef who'd rather neither one of them make it off the train alive.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie
Batman Begins
How does one man change the world? It's a question that haunts Bruce Wayne like the specter of his parents, gunned down before his eyes in the streets of Gotham on a night that changed his life forever. Tormented by guilt and anger, battling the demons that feed his desire for revenge and his need to honor his parents' altruistic legacy, the disillusioned industrial heir vanished from Gotham and secretly travels the world, seeking the means to fight injustice and turn fear against those who prey on the fearful. In his quest to elucidate himself in the ways of the criminal mind, Bruce is mentored by a mysterious man called Ducard in the mastery of the physical and mental disciplines that will empower him to fight the evil he has vowed to destroy. He soon finds himself the target of recruiting efforts by the League of Shadows, a powerful, subversive vigilante group headed by enigmatic leader Ra's al Ghul. Bruce returns to Gotham to find the city devoured by rampant crime and corruption. Wayne Enterprises, his family's former bastion of philanthropic business ideals, now rests in the hands of CEO Richard Earle, a man more concerned with taking the company public than serving the public good. Meanwhile, Bruce's close childhood friend Rachel Dawes, now an Assistant District Attorney, can't secure a conviction of the city's most notorious criminals because the justice system has been so deeply polluted by scum like crime boss Carmine Falcone. It doesn't help that prominent Gotham psychiatrist Dr. Jonathan Crane bolsters insanity defenses for Falcone's thugs in exchange for nefarious favors that serve his own devious agenda.
TV-14
2:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Washington Nationals @ Chicago Cubs
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Hypnosis Tape, The
Phoebe is distraught when her brother wants to marry a woman twice his age. While working as a waitress, Monica gets a tip from an admirer worth a small fortune. A hypnosis tape makes Chandler act like a woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Tiny T-Shirt, The
Ross is upset when Rachel returns his personal belongings and dates Mark. Monica dates a millionaire.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Young adventurer Sean receives a coded distress signal from a mysterious island where no island should exist--a place of strange life forms, mountains of gold, deadly volcanoes, and more than one astonishing secret. Unable to stop him from going, Sean's new stepfather joins the quest. Together with a helicopter pilot and his beautiful, strong-willed daughter, they set out to find the island, rescue its lone inhabitant and escape before seismic shock waves force the island under the sea and bury its treasures forever.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Captain Jack Sparrow is caught up in another tangled web of supernatural intrigue. Although the curse of the Black Pearl has been lifted, an even more terrifying threat looms over its captain and scurvy crew: it turns out that Jack owes a blood debt to the legendary Davy Jones, ruler of the ocean depths, who captains the ghostly Flying Dutchman, which no other ship can match in speed and stealth. Unless the ever-crafty Jack figures a cunning way out of this Faustian pact, he will be cursed to an afterlife of eternal servitude and damnation in the service of Jones. This startling development interrupts the wedding plans of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, who once again find themselves thrust into Jack's misadventures, leading to escalating confrontations with sea monsters, very unfriendly islanders, flamboyant soothsayer Tia Dalma and even the mysterious appearance of Will's long-lost father, Bootstrap Bill. Meanwhile, ruthless pirate hunter Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company sets his sights on retrieving the fabled Dead Man's Chest. According to legend, whoever possesses the Dead Man's Chest gains control of Davy Jones, and Beckett intends to use this awesome power to destroy every last Pirate of the Caribbean once and for all. For times are changing on the high seas, with businessmen and bureaucrats becoming the true pirates and freewheeling, fun-loving buccaneers like Jack and his crew threatened with extinction.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
12:00 am
People of Earth
Uneasy Alliance
Agent Foster continues her investigation into Walsh by meeting with StarCrossed. Yvonne leads a small team to search for Gerry -- unaware he's been abducted. Meanwhile, on the ship, Jeff asks Gerry for advice on how to deal with his new boss.
TV-MA
12:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pastry Porn
Max applies to the Manhattan School of Pastry and bakes a tart for the entrance exam.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Captain Jack Sparrow is caught up in another tangled web of supernatural intrigue. Although the curse of the Black Pearl has been lifted, an even more terrifying threat looms over its captain and scurvy crew: it turns out that Jack owes a blood debt to the legendary Davy Jones, ruler of the ocean depths, who captains the ghostly Flying Dutchman, which no other ship can match in speed and stealth. Unless the ever-crafty Jack figures a cunning way out of this Faustian pact, he will be cursed to an afterlife of eternal servitude and damnation in the service of Jones. This startling development interrupts the wedding plans of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, who once again find themselves thrust into Jack's misadventures, leading to escalating confrontations with sea monsters, very unfriendly islanders, flamboyant soothsayer Tia Dalma and even the mysterious appearance of Will's long-lost father, Bootstrap Bill. Meanwhile, ruthless pirate hunter Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company sets his sights on retrieving the fabled Dead Man's Chest. According to legend, whoever possesses the Dead Man's Chest gains control of Davy Jones, and Beckett intends to use this awesome power to destroy every last Pirate of the Caribbean once and for all. For times are changing on the high seas, with businessmen and bureaucrats becoming the true pirates and freewheeling, fun-loving buccaneers like Jack and his crew threatened with extinction.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Movie
Shanghai Noon
Acrobatic Chinese Imperial Guard Chon Wang comes to America to rescue beautiful, kidnapped Princess Pei Pei. Upon transporting her ransom, Chon finds himself on the very train that Roy O'Bannon, an outlaw of dubious competence, plans to rob. They reluctantly become partners when faced with bad-seed Marshall Van Cleef who'd rather neither one of them make it off the train alive.
TV-PG
 

Monday, August 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
Al fights to keep an auto factory from replacing his high school football field.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
Jefferson reveals his past life as a spy.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
To win a contest, Peggy must persuade Al to come home from work to engage in some afternoon hanky-panky.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
Al becomes an environmental hero and celebrity.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Dollhouse, The
Joey thinks he's found his true love. Rachel's boss dates Chandler, creating big trouble for Rachel. Monica inherits a dollhouse.
TV-14
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with a Chick and a Duck, The
When Pete buys a restaurant, Monica must make a difficult decision. Ross makes a sacrifice for Rachel. Joey buys Chandler an unusual pet.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Screamer, The
Ross tries to convince Rachel that her date is psychotic. Joey's play gets terrible reviews.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Thing, The
Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks. Phoebe can't choose between two guys. Monica's boyfriend surprises her.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion, The
Monica's boyfriend cannot stop fighting. Chandler's boss is overly friendly.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One at the Beach, The
The friends stay at a beach house. Phoebe meets someone who knows details about her family. Rachel expresses her jealousy of Ross' uninhibited girlfriend.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Jellyfish, The
Ross loves dating Rachel again but hates what he did to accomplish the reconciliation. Phoebe gets to know her mother.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cat, The
Phoebe thinks her adoptive mother's spirit inhabits a stray cat. Joey's attempt to sell his entertainment center proves hazardous.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
BFFs
Cleveland takes his friends on a canoeing trip, where the guys encounter a group of deviant hillbillies; Donna enters Rollo in a quiz tournament to prove he's as smart as the other kids.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Rodger Codger
Roger runs away after he and Stan have an argument. Once the CIA finds out, they organize a search team in order to find him and bring him in for questioning. So now Stan must either kill Roger or choose friendship over his career.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Sliding Bobs
Bob notices that he has started to lose his hair, his mustache hair. In a wave of nostalgia, Linda reminisces about Bob's mustache and how it made her fall for him years ago. Meanwhile, the kids create their own versions of what would have happened had Linda not fallen for Bob and his mustache.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Land Ship, The
The upcoming Land Ship parade could mean increased business for Bob, until he learns that two port-o-potties will be placed in front of the restaurant. Meanwhile, Tina learns from her friends that she's boring, so she joins up with Jordan who has been vandalizing the school with graffiti. But when Jordan wants to spray graffiti on the Land Ship, Tina must decide between ruining the parade and disappointing her new crush.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Hauntening, The
The Belchers are ready for an amazing Halloween! After Louise insists that sheÆs never been scared before, Bob and Linda reveal their plans to visit a special haunted house that just might rectify the situation. But when trouble ensues following their visit, the Belchers find themselves in a zany situation more frightening than they bargained for!
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Gayle Makin' Bob Sled
When Gayle is injured, Linda sends Bob off to pick her up so that she doesn't miss out on the Thanksgiving festivities. But an unexpected snowstorm derails his trip home, and his epic plan to prepare the turkey is foiled. Bob then must put the fate of the turkey and the Belcher Thanksgiving in Linda's hands and spend time bonding with his sister-in-law.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Nice-Capades
When a grumpy mall Santa threatens the kids with the dreaded Naughty List, Gene, Tina and Louise decide to put on a musical performance spectacular, which highlights all of their alleged good deeds from the past year, in order to earn their spot on the Nice List. But can they change Santa's mind in time to save their Christmas
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Play
Brian's dreams come true when he writes a play and it's a hit...but his happiness evaporates when Stewie writes a better play in one night.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
12 and a Half Angry Men
Mayor West goes on trial for murder after his aide is found stabbed to death.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bigfat
After the airplane he's riding in crashes in the Canadian wilderness, Peter transforms into a feral beast.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Total Recall
Peter discovers that he's anything but irreplaceable when Lois begins hanging out with his friends; Stewie and Brian embark on a mission to reunite Stewie with his teddy bear.
TV-14
10:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Family Plan
Francine reconnects with her birth family when she starts craving the experience of having a big family. Stan becomes a Picker based on his obsession with American Pickers.
TV-14
10:30 pm
People of Earth
Gerry's Return
Gerry returns to Earth but Yvonne has a rule about not dating other experiencers, putting their romantic relationship in jeopardy. Gerry returns to StarCrossed, excited to be a full-fledged member. Father Doug and Chelsea go on their first real date...secretly and in another town. Ozzie and Agent Foster make contact with Jonathan Walsh.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71061
TV-14
12:00 am
People of Earth
Gerry's Return
Gerry returns to Earth but Yvonne has a rule about not dating other experiencers, putting their romantic relationship in jeopardy. Gerry returns to StarCrossed, excited to be a full-fledged member. Father Doug and Chelsea go on their first real date...secretly and in another town. Ozzie and Agent Foster make contact with Jonathan Walsh.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71061
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Nap, The
George discovers how to take a nap at work and not get caught.
TV-PG
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the First Day of School
Max attempts to make a good impression on her first day of pastry school, but finds the class clown to be extremely distracting and intriguing.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Life After Death
Caroline learns that her childhood nanny passed away and brings Max with her to attend the funeral. But once there she discovers that the woman never spoke of Caroline to her own family.
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie
Rudy
All his life, people have told Rudy he's not good enough, not smart enough, not big enough. But nothing can stop his impossible dream of playing football for Notre Dame. From the time he's a young boy, Rudy is determined to join the Fighting Irish. But his blue collar family only laughs at his ambitions - they know Rudy will follow his father and brothers to the local steel mill. And, for four long years after high school, he does just that. But some dreams won't die, as Rudy proves when he goes to heroic lengths to win admission to Notre Dame. Once there, he becomes a walk-on player, serving as little more than a human tackling dummy against the starting players. Bloodied but unbeaten, Rudy wins the respect of legendary coach Ara Parseghian and the other Irish players, who give him one shot at gridiron glory.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
When Al's sarcasm costs him his prized parking space, he turns to a manly hero for advice.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, August 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
Household chores threaten Al's chance to see a favorite old movie.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
A football star's romance with Kelly jeopardizes Jefferson's lifesaving wager on a big game.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
After their television breaks down and Al finds a way to win a large sum of money to buy a replacement, he auditions to be a contestant on a new sports trivia game show. However, after he is turned down because he lacks personality, he enlists Kelly to take his place.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
Al and Jefferson become vintage shoe entrepreneurs.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
Al must brave the department of motor vehicles to renew his driver's license, but discovers that his fate lies in Bud's hands.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
An untimely pimple threatens Kelly's acting career.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
S' Poor House
Doug asks for financial assistance when insurance does not cover a mold problem.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Attention Deficit
Doug tries to prove to Carrie that he thinks about her all the time; friends threaten to ditch Doug's Super Bowl party for a co-worker's.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Steve Moscow
Doug has a disagreement with his contractor, who then leaves his house in disarray.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Animal Attraction
Doug ruins St. Valentine's Day when he cancels a dinner with Carrie to transport penguins to Albany.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hurricane, The
Cleveland and his family become trapped in the house without food when a hurricane ravages Stoolbend; Cleveland Jr. announces that he does not believe in God.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Nightmare on Grace Street, A
On Halloween...Donna forces Cleveland and Rallo to spend a night in a spooky abandoned house; Roberta attempts to choose between a boy she thinks is a vampire and a boy she thinks is a werewolf.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
Brian decides to stand up for his rights when Peter enters him in a dog show.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Peter Caviar Eater
Lois' aunt dies and leaves her mansion to the Griffins.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cuffs, The
Monica tries to prove her mother wrong. Chandler gets into an embarrassing situation while dating Rachel's boss.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Ballroom Dancing, The
Joey makes an odd deal with the building superintendent to prevent him from evicting Rachel and Monica. Phoebe wants to date her sexy massage client.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Joey's New Girlfriend, The
Joey thinks Chandler hates Joey's new girlfriend--but the truth could be even more upsetting. Ross and Rachel try to make each other jealous.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Dirty Girl, The
Ross' beautiful new girlfriend has a disgusting secret. Chandler becomes more familiar with Joey's girlfriend.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Crosses the Line, The
Chandler is guilt-ridden after kissing Joey's girlfriend. Ross' musical talents are not as amazing as he and Phoebe think.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Going to Party!, The
The guys try to be spontaneous and wild. After Monica gives a bad restaurant review, she receives a new career opportunity. Rachel's boss offers her a promotion.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Millennium, The
Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Muffin Tops, The
Elaine becomes a partner in a muffin business; Jerry shaves his chest.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Summer of George, The
George plans a vacation; Elaine critiques a co-worker (Molly Shannon); guest Raquel Welch.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard and Priya's Star Trek bedroom fantasy is too much for him, and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Wrecked (DVS)
Speed
After Todd and Jess decide to get married "for reals," Florence and Owen struggle to define their new romance. Casey returns to officiate the wedding. Pack and Steve make a discovery that threatens to tear them apart. Bruce steers the boat, so he's literally the captain now.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71062
TV-14
12:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Speed
After Todd and Jess decide to get married "for reals," Florence and Owen struggle to define their new romance. Casey returns to officiate the wedding. Pack and Steve make a discovery that threatens to tear them apart. Bruce steers the boat, so he's literally the captain now.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71062
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Butter Shave, The
Jerry gets upset when a lame comic follows his act; Kramer uses butter.
TV-PG
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the French Kiss
After a great make-out session with Max's teacher, Caroline learns a secret about him that she wishes she'd known beforehand.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big But
Max wants to be more than friends with her pastry school partner; Caroline remains attracted to her married teacher.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Invincible
It's every sports fan's wildest, craziest fantasy, the chance to play on the field and go toe-to-toe with the larger-than-life heroes they idolize. Yet, in 1976, this seemingly fairy-tale scenario happened in real life. It was then that Vince Papale, a 30-year-old teacher and part-time bartender with little football experience other than being a season ticket-holder, entered the unprecedented public tryouts for his NFL favorites, the Philadelphia Eagles, and defied all expectations. Not only did Papale make the team--he remade the team, helping to inspire them to break through their 11-season losing and streak and rediscover their winning spirit. In the bicentennial year of 1976, Papale lived out the dreams of a city and a nation by taking on the impossible with an unsinkable attitude and becoming the NFL's most unlikely rookie ever.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
Bud is distracted by Marcy's sexy niece.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks Part 1
Al refuses to allow breast feeding in the shoe store.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, August 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks Part 2
Al's battle against breast feeding lands him in trouble with the store's owner.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dial B for Virgin
Bud is tapped to run a phone hot line for virgins.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
Al must sleep with Marcy so that Jefferson can cash in her valuable Barbie doll.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
The Bundys and D'Arcys discover a new TV show modeled after their lives.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
Al reunites his old high school football team to play the championship game that never was.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
Al and his friends decide to remedy the professional baseball strike themselves.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Prints Charming
Doug and Carrie feel insecure about their lives after they accidentally pick up the exciting pictures of another couple.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Cowardly Lyin'
Doug gets caught lying to avoid going to the opera.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Queens' bro Bridge
Doug becomes excited when he learns Arthur inherited a house 10 years ago and may move.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Driving Reign
Doug reluctantly agrees to give his cousin a recommendation to be promoted to driver at IPS.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Skip Day
Cleveland is stunned to discover that Junior is stronger than he is; Lester vows revenge after Kendra is injured in a hit-and-run accident.unaware that Rallo is to blame.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Yemen Party
After dressing as a Muslim woman to infiltrate Donna's women's support group, Cleveland gets a taste of his own medicine when he travels to Yemen to perform housework for a sheik; Rallo uses Junior as an avatar to confront a playground bully.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Holy Crap
Peter invites his religious father to live with the family.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Da Boom
Paranoid about Y2K, Peter herds the family into the basement for protection.
TV-14
3:00 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story One
Months after having a kid, Tim (Danny Pudi), a middle-school science teacher, books the cabin to spice up his sex life with his wife, Sandy (Lauren Lapkus). But when things take an unexpected turn, the mild-mannered science teacher finds himself in way over his head in a criminal conspiracy.
TV-MA
3:30 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Two
A devout mother, Jill (Stockard Channing), is annoyed that her son, Ethan (Henry Zebrowski), has brought his atheist fiancée, Lynn (Mary Lynn Rajskub), to the cabin for a family getaway. Willing to do whatever it takes to make sure an atheist doesn't marry into her family, the devout mother ends up wrestling with her own belief in God as she struggles to do his bidding.
TV-MA
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Rachel's Crush, The
Rachel schemes to get a handsome client to ask her on a date. Chandler's jealousy causes problems with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Joey's Dirty Day, The
Charlton Heston finds Joey in a compromising position during a movie shoot. Rachel regrets asking Ross for a favor.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 2056
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71063
TV-14
12:00 am
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71063
TV-14
1:30 am
Wrecked (DVS)
All's Not Lost
A striking British special forces agent leads a daring rescue after a commercial flight crash-lands on an uninhabited island. The survivors make a discovery that could change everything.
TV-MA
2:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Rest in Peace, Callaway Hinkle
The survivors find a satellite phone. Danny confronts his past. And Steve comforts Todd after learning about the death of his child. Also, the survivors make a discovery that could change everything.
TV-MA
2:30 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Always Meant to See That
Todd, Danny and Owen investigate the other islanders after unearthing a troubling suitcase. Pack, Emma, and Florence are faced with the ultimate choice. In addition, the survivors make a discovery that could change everything.
TV-MA
3:00 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Community Pile, The
Chet takes Pack on a vision quest. Danny helps Owen relax. And Todd makes a play to control the island. Moreover, the survivors make a discovery that could change everything.
TV-MA
3:30 am
Wrecked (DVS)
Tubthumping
The survivors hold an election. Danny and Todd face off in a battle of the liver. On top of that, the island makes a discovery that could change everything.
TV-MA
4:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad Part 1
Al protests the cancellation of his favorite TV show.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad Part 2
The No Ma'am men take their Psycho Dad protest to Washington, D.C.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
Al and his friends are forced to take their wives to a strip club.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, August 10

6:00 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
Al's Dodge goes into the car wash, but doesn't come out.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
Al and Peggy plans and good intentions or their 25th wedding anniversary are upset.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens Part 1
After winning a magazine sweepstakes, Peggy takes Al and the D'Arcys on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens Part 2
After the sinking of their cruise ship, the Bundys and D'Arcys are left to fend for themselves at sea.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
Al goes out of his way to help Kelly and meet his TV idol, Larry Storch.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
And Bingo Was Her Game-O
Peggy is invited to play in a big bingo tournament; Al and his friends set out to choose No Ma'am's new official beer.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Clothes Encounter
Carrie returns expensive clothes for a full refund after wearing them.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Bed Spread
Doug and Carrie borrow twin beds belonging to Deacon's children after their own bed breaks.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Taste Buds
After Arthur chooses their dinner and movie, Doug stews about not getting his way.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dog Shelter
Carrie learns Doug's parents have been sheltering him by replacing his beloved dog with look-alikes.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Sex and the Biddy
Rallo discovers that Murray's girlfriend is trying to scam Murray out of his savings; Cleveland wears a man-girdle to make it seem as if he's lost weight.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Die Semi-Hard
As Christmas approaches, Cleveland tells the family his version of the original "Die Hard."
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join a women's organization, only to discover that she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself, while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian In Love
A therapist tells Brian his carpet-wetting is the result of his repressed feelings for Lois.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Thy Trophy
The Griffins and their neighbors build a festival float; waitress Meg schemes to get bigger tips.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Rugby, The
Chandler's annoying former girlfriend reappears. Ross plays rugby to impress Emily with painful results.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Fake Party, The
Trying to become better acquainted with her sexy client, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross' plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Free Porn, The
Monica helps Ross tell his girlfriend that he loves her. Phoebe gets some surprising news about her pregnancy.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Rachel's New Dress, The
Ross and his ex-wife become jealous when their lovers go to England together. Rachel's plans to seduce her boyfriend go awry.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Wedding Dresses, The
Rachel reacts drastically to Ross' engagement. Chandler becomes exasperated by Joey's snoring.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Three
Phyllis (Michaela Watkins) and her husband's weekend retreat with his boss from work (David Zayas) and the boss' much younger wife becomes unbearable for Phyllis, until she finds an unlikely escape by helping a stranger, Marcia (Stephnie Weir), run away from a plural marriage.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71064
TV-14
12:00 am
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Three
Phyllis (Michaela Watkins) and her husband's weekend retreat with his boss from work (David Zayas) and the boss' much younger wife becomes unbearable for Phyllis, until she finds an unlikely escape by helping a stranger, Marcia (Stephnie Weir), run away from a plural marriage.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71064
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
2:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Dumpster Sex
Deke takes Max to his place after a great first date, but his so-called home is nothing like she expected. Meanwhile, Caroline feels empowered and then scared after she has a shady-looking car towed from the front of the Cupcake window.
TV-14
2:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Icing on the Cake
When Deke invites Max's friends over to his dumpster house, Caroline learns a big secret about his background.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Hundred-Foot Journey, The
When an Indian patriarch and his talented culinary son open a restaurant across the road from an acclaimed five-star French restaurant, it sets off a series of events that blends the two disparate cultures in more than one way. In a quaint French village, the two owners rival each other in taste, décor and music, but the French restaurant's owner Madame Mallory and the Indian restaurant owner Papa Kadam discover they have more in common than they think.
TV-PG
5:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
 

Friday, August 11

6:00 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex with Amber.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve-year-old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
When Bud decides to move out, Peggy's mother arrives to stay.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Queasy Rider
Doug buys a motorcycle against Carrie's wishes; Carrie takes up smoking.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Female Problems
Carrie befriends a new neighbor; Doug feels left out.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Assaulted Nuts
After Doug convinces Carrie he doesn't goof around at work, horseplay gets him into a painful and embarrassing predicament.
TV-14
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Parent Trapped
Deacon and Kelly ask Doug and Carrie to be the godparents of their new baby; Arthur is put in charge of the pretzel stand.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Y Tu Junior Tambien
Junior marries a beautiful Mexican woman to prevent her deportation from the United States.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
There Goes El Neighborhood
Cleveland and Choni attempt to learn about each other's culture; Cleveland Jr. sets Cecilia up on a date with Tyler.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
It's Good to Be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who was the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death is a Bitch
Death pays Peter a visit when he claims "deceased" on insurance forms.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
King is Dead, The
Lois asks Peter to be the producer of "The King and I.''
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Invitation, The
Rachel and the engaged Ross reminisce separately about when they dated each other. The friends get invitations to Ross' wedding but not all of them are going.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 1, The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 2, The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
The Guest Book (DVS)
Story Three
Phyllis (Michaela Watkins) and her husband's weekend retreat with his boss from work (David Zayas) and the boss' much younger wife becomes unbearable for Phyllis, until she finds an unlikely escape by helping a stranger, Marcia (Stephnie Weir), run away from a plural marriage.
TV-MA
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Frogger, The
Elaine eats Peterman's cake; Kramer helps George steal an arcade game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Get Hard
When millionaire hedge fund manager James King is nailed for fraud and bound for a stretch in San Quentin, the judge gives him 30 days to get his affairs in order. Desperate, he turns to Darnell Lewis to prep him for a life behind bars. But despite James' one-percenter assumptions, Darnell is a hard-working small business owner who has never received a parking ticket, let alone been to prison. Together, the two men do whatever it takes for James to "get hard" and, in the process, discover how wrong they were about a lot of things - including each other.
TV-14
10:00 pm
ELEAGUE
Road To The International Dota 2 Championships: The Fight for Survival
This four-episode series will follow professional ELEAGUE players and teams vying for esports' largest prize pool - over 21 million dollars. The initial episodes of the series will focus on team life and drama as the best players in the world train for one of the most prestigious events in esports.
11:00 pm
Movie
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Deuce Bigalow is a naive, good-hearted fish tank cleaner, who is very dedicated and happy with his work. His only dream is to take his fish and move out of his bad neighborhood to the beach to be close to his friends in the ocean. After he loses his job at the Los Angeles Aquarium, his life changes dramatically. Deuce crosses paths with the debonair Antoine Laconte, world class gigolo. Antoine has the life any man would want, fancy cars, beautiful women and most importantly for Deuce a state of the art aquarium. When Antoine's lionfish comes down with a potentially fatal gill disorder and he has to go away on business, Antoine asks if Deuce will stay at his apartment. As Deuce gets comfortable at Antoine' place, he sets off a chain of events that virtually destroys the apartment. Needing money to pay for the damages, and after accidentally answering Antoine's business phone, Deuce launches his new career as a gigolo. He quickly enters a world beyond his wildest dreams.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Naïve, good-hearted fish tank cleaner, Deuce Bigalow thought his career as a gigolo was over. But just when he thought he was out--T.J. Hicks pulls him back in. Deuce is seduced back to his unlikely pleasure-for-pay profession when Hicks, his former pimp, is implicated in the murders of Europe's greatest gigolos. Now Deuce must go back undercover in order to clear the name of his good friend. Along the way, he must compete against the powerful European Union of prostidudes (The Man-Whore Society) and court yet another bevy of unusual female clients, including the beautiful Eva, who suffers from acute obsessive-compulsive disorder.
TV-14
2:45 am
Movie (DVS)
Pacifier, The
Assigned to protect the endangered children of an assassinated scientist working on a secret invention, Shane Wolfe is suddenly faced with juggling two incompatible jobs: fighting evil while keeping house. As he adds to his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons the new tools of juice boxes and a minivan, Shane not only must defeat a world-threatening enemy but also wrangle teen rebel Zoe, uplift sullen 14-year-old Seth and outwit 8-year-old Ninja-wannabe Lulu, simultaneously keeping toddler Peter and baby Tyler out of mischief, not to mention harm's way. While drop zones, demolitions and destroying enemy targets come naturally to Shane, he has no idea what tough really is until he pits his courage against diapering, den-mothering and driver's education. He's truly a S.E.A.L. out of water, but this tough-guy loner soon realizes that he's also facing the most important mission of his life: becoming part of a family and bringing them all closer together.
TV-PG
4:30 am
New Girl
Naked
Jess accidentally walks in on Nick naked, sending his self-confidence to an all-time low just after an attractive co-worker agrees to go out on a date with him. Meanwhile, Winston becomes obsessed with learning pop-culture references on Wikipedia.
TV-14
5:00 am
New Girl
Cece Crashes
Cece convinces Jess that Nick likes her more than just as a roommate, and Schmidt tries to seal the deal with Cece.
TV-14
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Cousin Gerard
Debra points out the similarities between Ray and his annoying cousin.
TV-PG