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SCHEDULE: January 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Saturday, January 31

6:00 am
Married With Children
Crimes Against Obesity
As he's trying to celebrate his birthday, Al is put on trial by a group of obese women.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly's Gotta Habit
As Kelly agrees to give up sex for a big TV commercial, Al teams with Officer Dan for an appearance on Cops.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Chevyweight (1)
Al struggles to find a part for his ailing car.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Juggs Have Left the Building, The
Peggy and Kelly team up as a singing duo for a talent contest in Branson, Missouri.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Golf For It
Robert and Ray end up with the mother of all guilt trips when they decide not to help Marie with a home project so they can land a prime spot on the golf course.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Home, The
Frank and Marie return from a trip down to a retirement home in New Jersey and they tell the family that they plan on moving there. On they day of their moving, however, Debra reveals some mixed feelings about their moving.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Bun Dummy
Doug tries to find a tactful way of telling Carrie he does not like her new hairstyle.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Shrink Wrap
Carrie and Doug send Arthur to a psychiatrist (William Hurt), to whom he reveals his relationship with his father (Ben Stiller).
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn't expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn't quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Head of State
Mays Gilliam, a Washington D.C. neighborhood Alderman, is about to be red-lined out of his job. But after the untimely death of the party frontrunner, Gilliam is plucked from obscurity, and thrust into the limelight as his party''s nominee--for President of the United States. The players in Gilliam''s life include: Mitch Gilliam, his unsophisticated older brother who becomes his running mate; Kim, his ex-girlfriend who had once dumped him, but who now has a sudden change of heart as she sees a chance at becoming First Lady; Martin Geller, his campaign manager; Lisa Clark, the woman who truly believes in Gilliam; and Debra Lassiter, the woman who doesn''t have faith in his candidacy, and is serving as his reluctant advisor.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Going To Party!, The
The guys try to be spontaneous and wild. After Monica gives a bad restaurant review, she receives a new career opportunity. Rachel's boss offers her a promotion.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Crush, The
Rachel schemes to get a handsome client to ask her on a date. Chandler's jealousy causes problems with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Not So Fast
When Ray and Debra visit Fank and Marie's condo, they learn that the owners are going to kick them out. Marie and Frank move out. Robert and Amy are upset, but they let Frank and Marie live with them.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Angry Sex
Ray worries that Debra's fight with Marie could put a stop to his plans.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
P.T. & A
After being chided for wearing a shoddy shirt and getting stains on it, Ray lies and tells Debra that members of the PTA called her outfit "trampy." This leads her to dress extra-trampy on purpose at a PTA meeting in their home, where the truth finally comes out.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Ally's F
Ally comes home with an F in math on her report card, and her parents are shocked.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangible Affection Proof, The
Sheldon struggles to find a Valentine's gift for Amy.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monster Isolation, The
Raj vows never to leave his apartment after a horrible date.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Contractual Obligation Implementation, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard try to advance the cause of women in science by speaking with junior high girls about their future careers, while Raj plans his date with Lucy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closet Reconfiguration, The
To open or not to open When Howard finds a letter from his father, he's forced to confront his past. And Leonard and Penny throw a "grown-up" cocktail party at the apartment.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tenure Turbulence, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Raj fight for tenure at the University.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closure Alternative, The
After one of his favorite TV shows gets canceled too soon, Sheldon feels lost, so Amy tries to help him get over his compulsive need for closure by retraining his brain.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Ground Floor
Mansfield Who Came to Dinner, The
Brody panics when Jenny invites the cultured and sophisticated Mansfield over to their zero bedroom, half bathroom "palace." Harvard and Lindsay are the perfect couple until all their pent up tension explodes in the middle of Jenny's dinner party. And Threepeat gets his 15 minutes of fame as a financial correspondent.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Waiting for Tonight
Grayson makes a reservation at the hottest restaurant in town, and he and Jules are determined to make it despite constant obstacles. Andy rents a special costume for Stan's birthday, but he has trouble getting it off. And Ellie starts ghost tweeting for Laurie, eventually getting lost in her new character.
TV-14
12:00 am
King of the Nerds
And Now for Something Different
With $100,000 on the line and the right to be called King (or Queen) of the Nerds let loose, Cosplay is back and even Nerdier if that is possible. Cosplay-trix extraordinaire Ya Ya Han returns to judge with My Little Pony star Tara Strong. And Hobbit Billy Boyd from Lord of the Rings tosses one team into Mount Doom. Tears, jeers and too many beers in Nerdvana lead to alliances, talk about sex, and a devilish Nerd Off with some Knights who say Ni!
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn't expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn't quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Angels in the Outfield
A foster child believes that his luck will change if his beloved California Angels can win the pennant. Meanwhile, the last-place team's manager is trying to turn the club around and save his job. He gets help from an angel named Al who miraculously leads the club to the playoffs.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Chevyweight (2)
Following the death of his Dodge, Al sets out to get a new car.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Bud on the Side
Al's boss falls in love with Bud.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, February 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Bundy Thanksgiving, A
An untimely death threatens Al's Thanksgiving tradition; Kelly tries to a pet turkey from becoming a holiday dinner.
TV-PG
6:30 am
King of Queens, The
Eddie Money
Doug tries to keep secret from Carrie $5,000 he won in a gambling pool.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Two Thirty
When Doug goes to Dr. Farber (Tim Matheson) for a root canal, he finds out Carrie used have a major crush on the dentist.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Dirty Day, The
CHARLTON HESTON (As Himself) finds Joey in a compromising position during a movie shoot. Rachel regrets asking Ross for a favor.
TV-14
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Rugby, The
Chandler's annoying former girlfriend reappears. Ross plays rugby to impress Emily -- with painful results.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Party, The
Trying to become better acquainted with her sexy client, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross' plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Free Porn, The
Monica helps Ross tell his girlfriend that he loves her. Phoebe gets some surprising news about her pregnancy.
TV-14
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Just Married
Tom is a sports announcer who comes from blue collar roots. Sarah is a writer whose family is as wealthy as it is snobbish. Much to her family''s--and ex-boyfriend''s--horror, Sarah and Tom fall in love and get married. Following their wedding, Tom and Sarah set off for what they expect to be the perfect honeymoon; however, thanks to her conspiring family and vindictive ex, the happy couple experiences the honeymoon from hell.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
She's the Man
It''s hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn''t count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn''t begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she''d always dreamed of meeting. If things weren''t complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he''s been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O'Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek
Once upon a time, in a far away swamp, there lived an ornery ogre named Shrek whose precious solitude is suddenly shattered by an invasion of annoying fairy tale characters. There are blind mice in his food, a big, bad wolf in his bed, three little homeless pigs and more, all banished from their kingdom by the evil Lord Farquaad. Determined to save their home--not to mention his own--Shrek cuts a deal with Farquaad and sets out to rescue the beautiful Princess Fiona to be Farquaad's bride. Accompanying him on his mission is wisecracking Donkey, who will do anything for Shrek... except shut up. Rescuing the Princess from a fire-breathing dragon may prove the least of their problems when the deep, dark secret she has been keeping is revealed.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona's parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father's plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer 'Puss In Boots' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn't for everyone--especially if you're a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he'll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn't have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona's long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it's going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O'Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2023
Part one of a two-part "America's Funniest Home Videos" series -- "the 20 videos that changed the world!" - features the funniest and most unique videos the show has received in its two decades on television.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Live Nude Peg
Al falls in love with a stripper, unaware that she's actually his wife.
TV-PG
 

Monday, February 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Double Down
Jeff and Audrey panic when they are told they might be having twins. Meanwhile, Russell throws a citizenship party for Timmy to impress a girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
God Help Ye Merry Bundymen
As Al and Griff lose their jobs on Christmas Eve, Marcy and Jefferson's entry in a neighborhood contest is sabotaged by Kelly and Bud.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
T*R*A*S*H
Al and Griff join Jefferson in the National Guard.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Babe in Toyland, A
Kelly becomes a prima donna after being asked to fill in on a popular children's television program.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Breaking Up Is Easy to Do (1)
A party game sends Al and Peggy to a marriage counselor; Kelly squares off in the boxing ring against a rival actress.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Breaking Up Is Easy to Do (2)
When Al moves out, he and Peggy throw themselves into the singles scene, with widely different results.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Breaking Up Is Easy to Do (3)
While Al finds single life dismal, Peggy tries to land a new husband.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn't for everyone--especially if you're a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he'll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn't have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona's long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it's going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Of Lice And Men
Rallo is forced to have his head shaved after he contracts lice; Cleveland housesits for Freight Train and Cookie.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Bush Comes to Dinner
President Bush comes to dinner when Stan wins an essay-writing contest. Hayley is determined to bring down the presidency after Roger accidentally gets Bush drunk. Meanwhile, Roger thinks he's found Osama bin Laden.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
American Dream Factory
Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, so he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as cheap labor.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial
Feeling shunned by Steve, Roger befriends a new boy, Henry. Their honeymoon is short lived as Henry starts abusing Roger. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine hijack the Pibbmobile in an effort to save the fledgling soft drink from going off the market forever.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Black Mystery Month
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Guy Viewer Mail #2
Three skits: the British program that Family Guy is based on, everybody Peter touches turns into Robin Williams, and a look at the day through Stewie's eyes.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Like Hell
Doug tries to impress new driver Jared when he learns he was the only one at IPS not invited to Jared's barbecue.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Consummate Professional
Carrie learns that in the beginning of their relationship Doug lied to her about getting a job at IPS so she would sleep with him.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's New Dress, The
Ross and his ex-wife become jealous when their lovers go to England together. Rachel's plans to seduce her boyfriend go awry.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Wedding Dresses, The
Rachel reacts drastically to Ross' engagement. Chandler becomes exasperated by Joey's snoring.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Invitation, The
Rachel and the engaged Ross reminisce separately about when they dated each other. The friends get invitations to Ross' wedding--but not all of them are going.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part I)
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part I)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part 2)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Internal Affairs
Peter talks Joe into having an affair and gets into another epic fight with the giant chicken.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Into Fat Air
When the successful family of Lois' ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, mentions that they're all climbing Mount Everest, Peter announces that the Griffins are climbing it too...and will beat the Fishmans to the top. But the Griffins are woefully unprepared for the trip.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Blonde Ambition
When her efforts to save the planet prove hopeless, Hayley decides that she might get more attention if she becomes a blonde. Meanwhile, Stan and Steve go on a mission to find a new home for the Smiths.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
CIAPOW
When Bullock sends a drone to do the job Stan and his colleagues are supposed to do, Stan is determined to prove that humans are better than robots. Meanwhile, Francine and the rest of the family participate in a slow motion race in the living room.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Resurgence, The
Leonard and Sheldon hire Professor Proton (guest star BOB NEWHART), the host of their favorite childhood TV show to perform. Raj leaves his dog with Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Spell Potential, The
When the girls' trip to Vegas falls through, the guys invite them to a Dungeons & Dragons date night that causes Sheldon and Amy's relationship to take an unexpected turn.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5684
Guests: Bob Costas, Eddie Redmayne, Seinabo Sey
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Viewing Party
Hoping to get Gabe and Michael to be more friendly to one another, Erin organizes a Glee viewing party for the staff at Gabe's. Meanwhile, Andy's jealousy over Erin and Gabe's relationship intensifies.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5684
Guests: Bob Costas, Eddie Redmayne, Seinabo Sey
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
One Story Town, A
Jules and the gang decide Bobby needs some help romancing Angie (guest star Sarah Chalke) so they launch "operation kiss-the-girl." Meanwhile, other former "Scrubs" cast turn up, as Ted (Sam Lloyd) and the Peons pass through on their way to audition at Disney World, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Minority Report
In Washington, D.C., in the year 2054, murder has been eliminated. The future is seen and the guilty punished before the crime has ever been committed. From a nexus deep within the Justice Department''s elite Pre-Crime unit, all the evidence to convict--from imagery alluding to the time, place and other details--is seen by "Pre-Cogs," three psychic beings whose visions of murders have never been wrong. It is the nation''s most advanced crime force, a perfect system. And no one works harder for Pre-Crime than its top man, Chief John Anderton. Destroyed by a tragic loss, Anderton has thrown all of his passion into a system that could potentially spare thousands of people from the tragedy he lived through. Six years later, the coming vote to take it national has only fueled his conviction that Pre-Crime works. Anderton has no reason to doubt it... until he becomes its #1 suspect. As the head of the unit, Anderton is the first to see the images as they flow from the liquid suspension chamber where the Pre-Cogs dream of murder. The scene is unfamiliar, the faces unknown to him, but this time, the killer''s identity is clear--John Anderton will murder a total stranger in less than 36 hours. Now with his own unit tracking his every move, led by his rival Danny Witwer, Anderton must go below the radar of the state-of-the-art automated city, where every step you take is monitored. Because you can''t hide, everybody runs. With no way to defend himself against the charge of Pre-Crime, John must trace the roots of what brought him here, and uncover the truth behind the questions he has spent the past six years working to eliminate: Is it possible for the Pre-Cogs to be wrong?
TV-14
5:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
WUPHF.com
Michael puts on the charm by trying to attract investors to Ryan's fledgling Internet company. Meanwhile, Dwight celebrates Thanksgiving and his childhood by organizing a hay festival in the office parking lot.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
China
Hearing of China's surging as an economic superpower convinces Michael that America desperately needs a new idea to keep pace. Dwight's cutbacks in the building lead to Pam suggesting it might be time for Dunder Mifflin to move. Darryl is annoyed with Andy's inane texts.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, February 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Power Couple, The
Jeff is threatened when Audrey gets a raise and makes almost as much as he does. Meanwhile, Russell enlists Timmy to find out what Liz sees in another man.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Birthday Boy Toy
As Jefferson's worries about getting old force him into taking a job, Al tries to cure Peggy's shopping addiction.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Damn Bundys
Al sells his soul for a chance to play in the Super Bowl.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Chicago Shoe Exchange
Al and Griff trade the shoe store's inventory for a massage chair.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Lez Be Friends
Al strikes up a friendship with Marcy's identical cousin.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Desperate Half-Hour (1), The
Bud's prison pen pal arrives to rob the Bundys.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
Cleveland and Cookie get mistaken for a married couple; after he gets caught stealing a candy bar, Rallo pins the theft on Junior.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Apocalypse to Remember, An
A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe it's the end of the world. Even after he realizes his error, he keeps his family convinced they are the last people on Earth so they will respect him. Meanwhile, Roger gets married so he can buy a new blender.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Four Little Words
Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she'll stop asking questions.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
When Stan Loves a Woman
Stan gets jealous when he discovers how promiscuous Francine was in the past. He decides the only way to even the score is to divorce Francine and sow some wild oats of his own. Meanwhile, Steve gets addicted to an energy drink.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
I Can't Stan You
Stan drives himself crazy worrying about his neighbors' opinion of him. Roger and Steve become con artists.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ratings Guy
The Griffins are chosen to be a Neilsen family, and Peter takes advantage of the chance to reformat TV to his taste - except that everyone else hates his changes.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Pole Lox
Doug convinces Carrie to take pole dancing lessons but is disappointed when she puts on a show for him.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Sandwiched Out
The guys' neighborhood restaurant names a new sandwich after Deacon, so Doug determines to get some kind of food named after himself.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Shear Torture
Carrie discovers that Doug's frequent trips to the hair salon are due to his attractive new hairstylist.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 1), The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 2), The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot
A woman's impending visit excites Jerry, until he learns she's getting married.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Male Unbonding
Jerry finds ending a friendship harder than ending a romance.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stakeout, The
Jerry woos an ex-girlfriend's friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Robbery, The
Jerry's decision to move sets off a chain of events.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bon Voyage Reaction, The
On the sixth season finale, Sheldon and Penny are thrown for a loop when Leonard is offered an exciting new job opportunity overseas.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Insufficiency, The
In the Season 7 premiere, Leonard is away at sea, so Sheldon & Penny spend some time together and spill some revealing secrets. Meanwhile, Howard comes to Raj's aid after his breakup with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Deception Verification, The
Leonard returns from the North Sea expedition and finds things chilly between him and Sheldon, while Howard's relationship with his mother opens the door to questions about his masculinity.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Scavenger Vortex, The
Raj puts together a scavenger hunt that turns into serious, cutthroat competition among the gang.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Ground Floor
Proposal - Part I, The
Brody's ex-girlfriend Heather (Anna Camp) returns as a partner in the company. As a birthday gift, Jenny decides to help Brody cross something off his life goal list to cheer him up. Mansfield has the perfect island wedding planned for his daughter, until the island sinks. And Harvard feels out of place in Las Vegas until he finds the wonderful world of craps.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Even the Losers
Jules sees that Travis is struggling financially, so she lends him money that he uses to start a new business. Ellie takes Andy on a revenge mission after he loses his mayorship. And Grayson fills in as a music teacher at Stan's school.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5685
Guests: Steven Yeun, Mark & Jay Duplass
TV-14
12:00 am
Ground Floor
Proposal - Part I, The
Brody's ex-girlfriend Heather (Anna Camp) returns as a partner in the company. As a birthday gift, Jenny decides to help Brody cross something off his life goal list to cheer him up. Mansfield has the perfect island wedding planned for his daughter, until the island sinks. And Harvard feels out of place in Las Vegas until he finds the wonderful world of craps.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5685
Guests: Steven Yeun, Mark & Jay Duplass
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Something Big
Just as Jules is trying to work through Grayson's "baggage" from his wild single days, a chance encounter with a former fling, Holly (guest star Briga Heelan), ends with him learning that he's the father of a one-year-old baby girl he never knew he had, on "Cougar Town." Nicole Sullivan guest stars as Lynn Mettler, Jules and Grayson's pre-marriage counselor, and Sarah Chalke guest stars as Angie.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2024
In part two of a two-part "America's Funniest Home Videos" series -- the top video "that changed the world" - the funniest, the strangest, most unusual video the show has received in its two decades on television is revealed.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
How to Marry a Moron (2)
Al objects to Kelly marrying an armed robber, until he discovers that he's the heir to a family fortune.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, February 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Last of the Red Hat Lovers, The
Russell books a cruise that he thinks is filled with "red hot" ladies but instead it's filled with ladies from the Red Hat society. Meanwhile, Timmy tries to help Jeff and Audrey settle an argument.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Pilot
Al and Peg Bundy meet their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades. Peg informs Marcy how to train her new husband, while Al teaches Steve how to be a man again.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Thinergy
Marcy enlightens Peggy with a new diet book called "Thinergy," a program which only works if both partners go through it together.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Sixteen Years and What Do You Get?
Al's credit card is maxed out when he tries to find a gift for Peggy on their anniversary.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy
Steve and Marcy buy a huge watch dog which annoys Al with his constant barking. But when Peggy hears a noise in the night, Al accidentally shoots the dog.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Have You Driven a Ford Lately?
Al and Steve buy a classic Mustang and become consumed in restoring back to mint condition.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Sherlock Holmes has always been the smartest man in the room...until now. There is a new criminal mastermind at large-Professor Moriarty-and not only is he Holmes' intellectual equal, but his capacity for evil, coupled with a complete lack of conscience, may actually give him an advantage over the renowned detective. When the Crown Prince of Austria is found dead, the evidence, as construed by Inspector Lestrade, points to suicide. But Sherlock Holmes deduces that the prince has been the victim of murder-a murder that is only one piece of a larger and much more portentous puzzle, designed by Professor Moriarty. The cunning Moriarty is always one step ahead of Holmes as he spins a web of death and destruction-all part of a greater plan that, if he succeeds, will change the course of history.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Crazy Train
When Freight Train begins treating Cleveland with respect, Donna concludes there's only one cause: a mental breakdown; Junior and Rallo make off with a cherry-picker.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Magnificent Steven, The
Stan takes Steve and his friends on a cattle drive through Langley Falls in an effort to turn them into men. But when Stan eats beef tainted with mad cow disease, it's up to the boys to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger pits Francine and Hayley against each other for his own amusement.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Joint Custody
Stan tries to get an unsuspecting Jeff Fischer out of his life for good by taking him on a road trip to Florida, where there is a warrant out for Jeff's arrest. Meanwhile, Roger wants to turn Jeff in himself so he can claim the reward money. Francine, Hayley, and Steve want to intervene as Stan and Roger battle it out on the road, but they are stranded at the Smith house until they can find Francine's car keys.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Vacation Goo, The
The Smiths find out that their outstanding family vacations have only been experiences in virtual reality. Stan vows to redeem himself by taking the family on a cruise, but when they are stranded on a remote island, things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Roger goes from cruise ship singer to a dancer in a seedy gentlemen's club.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Meter Made
In order to be taken more seriously, Stan becomes a meter maid who seems to have all the power. Now he's getting the best tables at restaurants, pocketing quarters from meters, and impressing Francine with his prowess. But when Turlington from Parking Internal Affairs pays him a visit, Stan realizes crime and this lifestyle don't pay.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends Without Benefits
Meg discovers that a boy she has a crush on is gay - and that has his eye on Chris.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Inn Escapable
Doug and Carrie's romantic getaway is a nightmare when the owners of the bed-and-breakfast become too much to take.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fresh Brood
When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
G'Night Stalker
Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, The
Joey challenges Phoebe to perform a completely selfless act. Monica gets upset when Chandler gloats about sex. Ross might finally reconcile with Emily -- but he must make a tough decision.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Kips, The
Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Chandler and Monica try to have a romantic weekend.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Andrea Doria, The
George wants a better apartment; Jerry learns Newman is hiding mail.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Raiders Minimization, The
Sheldon is fit to be tied when Amy ruins one of his favorite adventure films, while Leonard finds the key to getting Penny to do his bidding, and Raj & Stuart get creative with their online-dating profiles.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Workplace Proximity, The
Amy takes a job at Sheldon's university, putting their relationship to the test.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Romance Resonance, The
Sheldon makes a major scientific breakthrough, but he feels it may haunt him for the rest of career. Meanwhile, Howard makes a grand romantic gesture to Bernadette, which causes Penny to put more effort into her relationship with Leonard.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Displacement, The
When Sheldon's childhood hero, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), seeks Leonard's help with an experiment, the slighted Sheldon goes nuclear and decides to get revenge by befriending another TV science guy, Bill Nye.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Itchy Brain Simulation, The
Leonard fails to stop Sheldon from overreacting after a past slight comes to light, and as punishment Leonard must walk a mile in Sheldon's shoes. Meanwhile, Penny has a run-in with Raj's former girlfriend Lucy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thanksgiving Decoupling, The
Howard's mother has a say when he and Bernadette host Thanksgiving dinner for the gang.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5686
Guests: Mila Kunis, Josh Hopkins, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Even the Losers
Jules sees that Travis is struggling financially, so she lends him money that he uses to start a new business. Ellie takes Andy on a revenge mission after he loses his mayorship. And Grayson fills in as a music teacher at Stan's school.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5686
Guests: Mila Kunis, Josh Hopkins, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Can Still Change Your Mind
Travis wants to take Jules and Grayson's wedding pictures, but Jules, who wants everything to be perfect for her second wedding, isn't so sure; meanwhile Bobby wants to get serious with Angie (guest star Sarah Chalke), but does she feel the same way, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Sherlock Holmes has always been the smartest man in the room...until now. There is a new criminal mastermind at large-Professor Moriarty-and not only is he Holmes' intellectual equal, but his capacity for evil, coupled with a complete lack of conscience, may actually give him an advantage over the renowned detective. When the Crown Prince of Austria is found dead, the evidence, as construed by Inspector Lestrade, points to suicide. But Sherlock Holmes deduces that the prince has been the victim of murder-a murder that is only one piece of a larger and much more portentous puzzle, designed by Professor Moriarty. The cunning Moriarty is always one step ahead of Holmes as he spins a web of death and destruction-all part of a greater plan that, if he succeeds, will change the course of history.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2101
Little bitty butter girl and 21 reasons to love AFV
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Whose Room Is It Anyway?
The Rhoades get a tax refund and they decide to build a room, but can't decide on what kind of room to build, a pool room for Al or an exercise room for Peggy.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, February 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Dirty Talk
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al Loses His Cherry
An argument leads Al to Luke's bachelor pad, where he basks in the swingers life he had envisioned.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Sue Got Work
When Peggy asks Al for a VCR, Marcy suggests that she go to work and earn the money herself where she learns what having a job is all about...minimum wage.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... Without Children
Al and Peg run away for the weekend and leave Bud and Kelly with the Rhoades, who've underestimated their intelligence.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Poker Game, The
Steve loses his paycheck in a poker game to Al and needs to get it back before Marcy finds out.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Where's the Boss?
Al can't seem to find Gary anywhere, which leads him to the conclusion that she's dead. He decides to go find another job.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Nightmare on Al's Street
Marcy has dreams about Al while Steve is on a business trip, leading her to ask Peggy for help.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Wheel! Of! Family!
An exhausted Cleveland and Donna ask relatives for help when Junior, Roberta and Rallo run them ragged; Robert and Dee Dee adopt a baby; Junior takes a pole dancing class.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Dope and Faith
Stan prays for a friend and thinks God sent him one, but the friend turns out to be an atheist. Stan tries to convince his friend that God exists by making his life extremely hard, but the plan backfires. Meanwhile, Roger convinces Steve that he has been accepted to Hogwarts.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Big Trouble in Little Langley
Francine's Chinese adoptive parents drop in. Stan can't stand them and tries to find Francine's real parents, but when it becomes obvious they are selfish people who gave up Francine because she would cramp their lifestyle, Stan makes a detour and never introduces them to Francine.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Haylias
Stan, unhappy with the decisions Hayley is making for herself, decides to set her up with a proper husband. He gets her to go along by using her "activation word" which was ingrained in her during CIA summer camp visits when she was little. She listens to everything Stan says, but because it takes too long, reverts to a "mind clause" to kill her handler - Stan.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
42-Year-Old Virgin
While playing poker with the guys, Stan is exposed as a virgin, but not in the traditional way - he's never killed anyone. Roger and the guys help Stan bust his killing cherry.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Joe's Revenge
Joe, Peter and Quagmire set out to capture the criminal who caused Joe's paralysis; Brian grows jealous of Quagmire's cat.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Move Doubt
Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Gambling N' Diction
Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Sandwich, The
Joey becomes exasperated from hiding Chandler and Monica's secret. Ross gets in trouble when he expresses his rage.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Work Laugh, The
Chandler's behavior toward his boss annoys Monica. Ross' latest romance astounds everyone.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stock Tip, The
George gives Jerry a bad stock-tip.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Ex-Girlfriend, The
George puzzles over how to dump a domineering girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pony Remark, The
Jerry thinks his off-the-cuff remark killed a woman.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Busboy, The
A busboy loses his job and his cat because of George.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Yug Ylimaf
Brian discovers that he can use Stewie's time machine to pick up girls, but when he tries to cover his tracks he accidentally reverses the flow of time.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lois Comes Out of Her Shell
After celebrating another birthday, Lois adopts a younger look and lifestyle - much to Peter's chagrin; a vengeful turtle targets the Griffins.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Space Cadet
After Chris enrolls in a NASA space camp, Stewie accidentally launches the Griffins into outer space.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
As Christmas approaches...Peter tells the story of the Nativity, with friends and family members appearing as biblical characters.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Discovery Dissipation, The
When Sheldon's accidental scientific discovery is disproved, Amy and Leonard try to help him deal with the shame and the disappointment. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette open their home to Raj for a week.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper Extraction, The
With Sheldon in Texas, the gang gathers to decorate for Christmas, and they contemplate if each would have had a wonderful life had they never met him.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5687
Guests: Jeff Bridges, Lily Collins, Slash featuring Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Ways to Be Wicked
No one believes Ellie when she tries to convince them that her seemingly lovely mom, Betsy (guest star Susan Blakely), is actually a sociopath; Grayson decides to help Laurie with her dream of opening a cake business, but her reaction isn't what he expected; and Bobby and Chick (Ken Jenkins) help Travis and his buddies in their plan to steal the campus cougar statue, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5687
Guests: Jeff Bridges, Lily Collins, Slash featuring Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Money Becomes King
Jules and Grayson can't see eye to eye when it comes to joining their finances, but they're both going to have to make some sacrifices if they actually want to get married -- and that is not going to be easy. Meanwhile, Laurie's Krazy Kakes business is doing surprisingly well, and Travis convinces her to make some grown up decisions of her own, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2102
People getting waxed and the seven dwarfs starring seven dogs
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Johnny B. Gone
Al and Peggy have tickets to attend the final night of their favorite hamburger joint. But when family problems get in the way, Al may miss out on the historical night.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Can Do It
Buck mates another dog, making the owner of the dog so angry that he sues Al.
TV-PG
 

Friday, February 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Bros Before Nodes
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (1)
The Bundys are at a hotel in Florida, only to find that an ax murderer lives there.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (2)
Peg gets kidnapped! Can Al get her back
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
If I Were a Rich Man
Al and Steve find out about 1 million dollars missing from the bank and the other Bundys think they have it.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The phone line to the Bundys get cut off after Al refuses to pay the bill.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1)
Marcy and Peggy go to a strip club, but Marcy ends up losing her ring in a very uncomfortable space...
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (2)
The men take action over Peg and Marcy, just to make them feel bad about what happened.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Never Back Down
Jake Tyler has recently moved to Orlando, Florida with his family to support his younger brother's shot at a professional tennis career. Jake was a star athlete on the football team at home, but in this new city he is an outsider with a reputation for being a quick tempered brawler. Making an attempt to fit in, at the invitation of a flirtatious classmate, Baja, Jake goes to a party where he is unwittingly pulled into a fight with a bully named Ryan McDonald. While he is defeated and humiliated in the fight, a classmate introduces himself to Jake and tells him about the sport known as Mixed Marshall Arts (MMA). He sees a star in Jake and asks that he meet with his mentor, Jean Roqua. It is immediately apparent to Jake that MMA is not street fighting, but rather an art form he wants to master. Roqua will take Jake under his wing, but it is up to Jake to find the patience, discipline, willingness and reason within him to succeed. For Jake, there is much more at stake than mere victory. His decision will not just settle a score; it will define who he is.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pilot
Cleveland and his overweight 14-year-old son say goodbye to Quahog and set out for California. Along the way, Cleveland stops in his old hometown, where he eventually marries former classmate Donna Tubbs.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Surro-Gate
When Francine decides to be a surrogate for her gay neighbors Terry and Greg, Stan's Republican blood boils. Although he pretends to be happy, when the baby is born, Stan kidnaps her and heads to the Nebraska border, where gay couples have no rights. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger pull a Howard Hughes and become reclusive after they think Klaus is out to get them.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Most Adequate Christmas Ever, The
After Stan comes home from another dangerous mission, he finds that his family has decked the halls with boughs of holly and donned themselves with gay apparel, but just not to his satisfaction.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Franny 911
Francine fakes Roger's kidnapping so she can prove to Roger that Stan still cares about him. So why won't Stan pay his ransom
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Tearjerker
Stan and the family are characters in a James Bond-style spoof. Stan must stop Tearjerker, played by Roger, a diabolical film producer who makes movies that can kill. Tearjerker's fiendish plot involves abducting celebrities from his spa and replacing them with celebrity robots that make horrible movies, all in an effort to make his masterpiece "Oscar's Gold" the best and saddest movie ever, causing millions of moviegoers to cry themselves to death.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Brian's Play
Brian's dreams come true when he writes a play and it's a hit...but his happiness evaporates when Stewie writes a better play in one night.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Everybody Finds Out, The
Chandler and Monica's relationship becomes less of a secret. Ross must prove to his boss that he's sane in order to return to work.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Baby Shower, The
Kramer persuades Jerry to get illegal cable service; guest Christine Dunford.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Jacket, The
Jerry loves an expensive suede jacket until he buys it.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Restaurant, The
Jerry, Elaine and George need reservations at a Chinese restaurant.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Phone Message, The
George regrets a nasty message he put on a date's answering machine.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hesitation Ramification, The
Penny turns to Leonard for comfort after her guest appearance on NCIS does not turn out well. She ends up putting Leonard on the spot regarding their relationship. Sheldon works on his sense of humor and Raj practices talking to girls.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
King of the Nerds
Gods Are Angry, The
The Nerds travel back in time in this soon to be classic episode in order to raise great triremes and cross the "Adriatic Sea." (It's a pool.) When a big nerd reveals a particularly barbaric side of themselves, a dark cloud threatens Nerdvana's party-all-the-time attitude. And Pom Pom Kitty attempts a coup on Curtis.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
12:30 am
King of the Nerds
Gods Are Angry, The
The Nerds travel back in time in this soon to be classic episode in order to raise great triremes and cross the "Adriatic Sea." (It's a pool.) When a big nerd reveals a particularly barbaric side of themselves, a dark cloud threatens Nerdvana's party-all-the-time attitude. And Pom Pom Kitty attempts a coup on Curtis.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Southern Accents
Jules has a hard time accepting that Holly (guest star Briga Heelan) is part of her life, a situation that does not improve after she finds out that Holly and Travis made out; Andy wants to run for mayor so he can change the town rules against weddings on the beach (something Jules has her heart set on), but Ellie won't let him; and Laurie tries to convince Bobby he's just socially inept, not prejudiced, after he blurts out some awkward comments at the cake shop, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2103
Department of duh and birthdays
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Born to Walk
Al needs to renew his license, but fails the test. Kelly, on the other hand, gets her license on the same day.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Alley of the Dolls
When Peggy's old high school rival challenges her to a family bowl-off, Peggy is determined to win - with the help of an "adopted" Bundy, ringer Steve Rhoades.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, February 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Razor's Edge, The
When Steve returns from a river rafting trip, Marcy refuses to let him back into the house until he shaves his newly-grown beard, and he's forced to seek refuge with the Bundys.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
How Do You Spell Revenge?
Al is too busy scheming to get Peggy thrown off their neighbor-hood baseball team to notice that Kelly is about to be tattooed with the name of her latest boyfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Earth Angel
When Bud brings a beautiful, homeless young woman to stay with the Bundys, Al and the rest of the neighborhood guys begin acting like sex-crazed teenagers.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Watch Out
TV-PG
8:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2104
Electrical shocks and "so you think you know videos"
TV-G
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the 'ins' and 'outs' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it's definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
1:30 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Date for Peter, A
Amy's parents (Fred Willard and Georgia Engel) ask Ray to give Peter (Chris Elliott) dating advice.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Favors
Debra complains to Raymond about leaving things around the house. Later on, Raymond receives a personal letter from his idol, Muhammad Ali, he remembers what Debra told him, so he puts it away in a drawer. Unfortunately, Debra so put off by how much 'junk' is in the drawer dumps most of its contents into the trash.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Faux Pas, The
Ray is surprised when his family members are upset about a comment he made to one of the children's friends when he was just trying to be funny.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Tasteless Frank
Marie is astounded when Franks puts salt on her homemade lasagna, leading her to believe that she's lost her tough in the kitchen.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotive Manipulation, The
Amy has amour on her mind when she talks Sheldon into a romantic Valentine's Day getaway to Napa Valley wine country. Back at home, Leonard and Penny make an emergency visit to the vet with Raj's dog.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Ground Floor
Proposal - Part I, The
Brody's ex-girlfriend Heather (Anna Camp) returns as a partner in the company. As a birthday gift, Jenny decides to help Brody cross something off his life goal list to cheer him up. Mansfield has the perfect island wedding planned for his daughter, until the island sinks. And Harvard feels out of place in Las Vegas until he finds the wonderful world of craps.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Even the Losers
Jules sees that Travis is struggling financially, so she lends him money that he uses to start a new business. Ellie takes Andy on a revenge mission after he loses his mayorship. And Grayson fills in as a music teacher at Stan's school.
TV-14
12:00 am
King of the Nerds
Gods Are Angry, The
The Nerds travel back in time in this soon to be classic episode in order to raise great triremes and cross the "Adriatic Sea." (It's a pool.) When a big nerd reveals a particularly barbaric side of themselves, a dark cloud threatens Nerdvana's party-all-the-time attitude. And Pom Pom Kitty attempts a coup on Curtis.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the 'ins' and 'outs' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it's definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
My Best Friend's Girl
Tank (Dane Cook) faces the ultimate test of friendship when his best friend (Jason Biggs) hires him to take his ex-girlfriend (Kate Hudson) out on a lousy date in order to make her realize how great her former boyfriend is.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Guys and Dolls
When Al and Steve become obsessed with collecting baseball cards, Peggy and Marcy dig out their old Barbie dolls and re-live their childhood fantasies.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, February 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
Build a Better Mousetrap
Al and Steve stare danger in the face when they decide to exterminate a pesky field mouse without the aid of professional help.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Movie
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
In mythic pre-historic times, a young hobbit named Frodo Baggins inherits a magic ring from his elderly cousin Bilbo. Wise to the powers that the magic ring holds, the dark Lord Sauron wants it, knowing it will enable him to enslave the people of Middle Earth. In his effort to thwart Sauron, Frodo recruits the fellowship of a wizard, an elf, a dwarf and others, on a mission to destroy the ring by casting it into the volcanic fires of Mount Doom, where it was made. However, the ring unleashes its own powers as a result of the struggle....
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Set in a time of uncertainty in the land of Middle-earth, a tale which charts a heroic quest which centers around an intrepid hobbit. The future of civilization rests in the fate of the One Ring, which has been lost for centuries. Powerful forces are unrelenting in their search for it. But fate has placed it in the hands of a young Hobbit named Frodo Baggins, who inherits the Ring and steps into legend. A daunting task lies ahead for Frodo when he becomes the Ringbearer as his assigned duty is to destroy the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom where it was forged. But he can''t accomplish this task alone. A Fellowship bands together to lend Frodo all that he needs to carry out his mission: the wisdom of Gandalf; the loyalty of his friends Sam, Merry, and Pippin; the courage of Aragorn and Boromir; the precision of Legolas; and the strength of Gimli. They are aided in their quest by Arwen, Galadriel and Elrond, whose knowledge of the Ring brings to light the true danger and importance of their journey.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Movie
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
The Fellowship of the Ring fights its last desperate battle to save Middle Earth from the forces of evil.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates "Anything Can Happen Thursday," and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy, and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn "Star Wars Day" into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
In the Season 7 finale, Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Sorcerer's Apprentice, The
Balthazar Blake is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath. Balthazar can't do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler, a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners pit their powers against those of the fiercest-and most ruthless-villains of all time. It'll take all the courage Dave can muster to survive his training, save the city and get the girl as he becomes "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."
TV-PG
1:15 am
Movie
Time Machine, The
Scientist and inventor Alexander Hartdegen is determined to prove that time travel is possible. His determination is turned to desperation by a personal tragedy that now drives him to want to change the past. Testing his theories with a time machine of his own invention, Hartdegen is hurtled 800,000 years into the future. There he finds a post-apocalyptic world where he discovers that mankind has been divided into the hunter... and the hunted.
TV-PG
3:15 am
Movie
Disturbia
Kale has a life most teenagers would envy. He spends his days endlessly playing video games, surfing the net, eating junk food and watching cable. He has complete free reign of the house, and a beautiful young hottie named Ashley has just moved in next door. There's only one problem--he's not allowed to leave the house. Kale's under court-ordered house arrest for three months, and if he takes one step beyond a 100-foot perimeter of the house, his next confinement will be in a real prison. And jail cells don't have video games or cable. Life hasn't always been like this for him. A year ago, Kale and his mom and dad were a tight knit, happy family. Then his father was killed in a car accident, for which Kale feels somewhat responsible. The trauma has had long-lasting psychological effects. The once outgoing young man is now shut down and withdrawn. When an insensitive teacher brings up his father, Kale loses it and punches him out. Only the intercession of his mother kept him out of jail. Now he's going stir crazy in his own house while his mother tries to keep things together by working day and night. As the walls start to close in, Kale starts to notice the world outside. With some secondhand surveillance equipment he begins spying on his neighbors, most prominently Ashley, who soon catches on to him. To his surprise however, she becomes interested in his stakeout hobby. What starts out as a game turns deadly serious when Kale and Ashley begin to suspect that one of their neighbors may be an elusive serial killer. But who's going to believe them? It may just be their overactive imagination. Or they may have stumbled across a secret that might cost them their lives. After all, even killers have to live next-door to someone...
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
All Peggy wants for Valentine's Day is to hear unromantic Al utter those three little words - I love you.
TV-PG
 

Monday, February 9

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Audrey Is Dumb
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Great Escape, The
When the Bundy family spends the night in Al's shoe store while their house is being exterminated, Kelly is forced to be especially creative in slipping out for the night.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Impo-Dent
When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Just Married ... with Children
Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Father Lode
Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
T-R-A-Something-Something Spells Tramp
When Kelly's date gives her an ultimatum, she finds herself stranded but not alone on a deserted road 15 miles outside Chicago. Meanwhile, Peg tries to put some spice back into her marriage by spending Saturday night "communicating" with Al.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Sorcerer's Apprentice, The
Balthazar Blake is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath. Balthazar can't do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler, a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners pit their powers against those of the fiercest-and most ruthless-villains of all time. It'll take all the courage Dave can muster to survive his training, save the city and get the girl as he becomes "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance
Cleveland asks Roberta to accompany him to a daddy/daughter dance at school, but his hopes of establishing a bond are torpedoed after he accidentally runs over the family's dog.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Oedipal Panties
When Stan's mom, Betty, gets dumped by a boyfriend for the umpteenth time, she comes running to Stan for support. Feeling threatened by her always-visiting mother-in-law, Francine is determined to cut Stan's umbilical cord and figure out what keeps going wrong with the men in Betty's life. Like a regular Cagney & Lacey, Francine and Roger go undercover to solve the case. Meanwhile, Klaus gives Steve the ick.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Widowmaker
Francine pushes Stan to open up to her emotionally, but she gets more than she bargained for when he tells her that he killed her best friend Julie's husband. Meanwhile, Roger plays psychiatrist to help them work through their issues.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Red October Sky
Stan goes in search of a former KGB agent, Sergei, and is shocked to find that the man is his new next-door neighbor and that Sergei has already turned Steve into a communist. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus head to France for a little R&R but their trip takes a turn for the worst when Klaus gets busted for drug smuggling.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Office Spaceman
When the CIA initiates an Alien Task Force, a peculiar twist of fate puts disguised Roger in charge. Roger marks Stan as an alien to protect his own identity. Meanwhile, Francine comes to grips with being left-handed.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Buggie Nights
When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sold-y Locks
Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Candy Hearts, The
On Valentine's Day, Ross meets his ex-wife while on his first date in nine years. The girls rebel by burning mementos of past relationships.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Apartment, The
Jerry regrets encouraging Elaine to move into his building.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stranded, The
Waiting for a ride, Jerry and Elaine keep a party's host up late.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Statue, The
Jerry thinks a friend stole his statue, but doesn't know how to get it back.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Heart Attack, The
George thinks he's having a heart attack.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
As Christmas approaches...Peter tells the story of the Nativity, with friends and family members appearing as biblical characters.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Space Cadet
After Chris enrolls in a NASA space camp, Stewie accidentally launches the Griffins into outer space.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Scents and Sensei-bility
Steve and Snot are fed up with being bullied. When they enroll in a karate class, Snot is brainwashed by the sensei and it's Steve's mission to get him back. Meanwhile, Klaus develops a horrible odor and is forced to be an outside pet.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Big Stan on Campus
When the CIA is forced to make cutbacks and go on furlough, Stan volunteers to take a position as a College Campus Security Guard. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bed and breakfast in order to boost the family's income.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5688
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Classy Christmas Part 1 & Part 2 (Long Version)
Holly returns to fill in during Toby's jury duty, so Michael makes Pam throw a second office Christmas party to coincide with her return. Jim accepts Dwight's challenge to a snowball fight. Darryl anticipates Christmas with his daughter.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5688
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Down South
A hurricane blows into town, so that means it's time for a hurricane party at Jules' house. But there's more than one storm brewing, as Travis wants to make a play for Laurie, now that she's broken up her Skype romance with soldier Wade (guest star Edwin Hodge), and Jules is determined to keep them apart, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Crimson Tide
A submarine officer mutinies against his trigger-happy captain to prevent a world war.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2105
State spotlight: Florida and worth another look
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
All in the Family
Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, February 10

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Nature Calls
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
My Best Friend's Girl
Tank (Dane Cook) faces the ultimate test of friendship when his best friend (Jason Biggs) hires him to take his ex-girlfriend (Kate Hudson) out on a lousy date in order to make her realize how great her former boyfriend is.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
One About Friends, The
Cleveland tries to pair up Cleveland Jr. with Lester's son, Ernie, but things backfire when Child Services puts Ernie in a foster home; Tim and Holt take a trip to Las Vegas.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold
After officially being declared dead due to an accident, Stan comes back to life and realizes he dreams of leaving a legacy on the world. He excavates his home in search of Ollie North's Contra-band buried treasure.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Spring Break-Up
With Francine gone to visit her parents, Roger holds a Spring Break blowout at the Smith house. During the festivities, Stan falls for a "Spring Break Buddy" and Steve is on the verge of losing his virginity.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
1600 Candles
In this Emmy-nominated episode, the Smiths' plans to celebrate Roger's 1,600th birthday are sidetracked when Steve announces that he's finally going through puberty. Ever fearful of the thought of a Steve with raging hormones, Stan and Francine try to bypass the pains by having experimental medicine injected into Steve's head.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
One That Got Away, The
Roger discovers that one of his personas has taken on a life of his own. Back at home, the Smith family becomes addicted to the 1970s electronic game "Simon."
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birthing Video, The
Monica prepares a memorable St. Valentine's Day for Chandler with sexy lingerie and X-rated entertainment.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 1), The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 2), The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Loses His Insurance, The
Injured Joey must get an acting part in order to qualify for health insurance. Rachel finally learns the truth about her marriage to Ross.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Revenge, The
George seeks revenge on his ex-boss for not rehiring him.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Deal, The
Jerry and Elaine mull intimacy but without commitment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Note, The
Jerry tries to help a dentist friend accused of insurance fraud.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Truth, The
A woman (Valerie Mahaffey) wants to know why George doesn't want to see her.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Middle Earth Paradigm, The
Penny hosts a Halloween party, putting Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali through a new test of their social skills.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dumpling Paradox, The
With Wolowitz AWOL with one of her friends, Penny's recruited to fill in for him on the guys' Halo team.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Grasshopper Experiment, The
Raj's parents set him up on a blind date, and when he discovers he can talk to her, she shows interest in Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization, The
When they're invited to present at a physics conference, Sheldon's reluctance to share the credit leads to a tiff between him and Leonard, and Penny's intervention only exacerbates the situation.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Ground Floor
Proposal - Part II, The
Having found an engagement ring in Brody's bag, Jenny is freaking out. Mansfield takes an instant dislike to his soon-to-be son-in-law. After winning hundreds of thousands at craps, Lindsay and Harvard go on the spree to end all sprees. And Threepeat sleeps with Brody's ex-girlfriend, Heather (Anna Camp).
TV-14
10:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Wrong Thing to Do, The
Seeing that Andy is unprepared for his upcoming job interviews, Jules agrees to coach him through it. Ellie needs a place to escape since Andy is home all the time, so she goes to Bobby's boat, only to find that Grayson beat her to it. Meanwhile, Travis and Laurie encourage Tom to date...with disastrous results.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5689
TV-14
12:00 am
Ground Floor
Proposal - Part II, The
Having found an engagement ring in Brody's bag, Jenny is freaking out. Mansfield takes an instant dislike to his soon-to-be son-in-law. After winning hundreds of thousands at craps, Lindsay and Harvard go on the spree to end all sprees. And Threepeat sleeps with Brody's ex-girlfriend, Heather (Anna Camp).
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5689
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Square One
Grayson moves in with Jules after the hurricane damages his house, but the sudden togetherness makes them wonder if they're going to make the same mistakes in their upcoming marriage that they made in their past relationships. Meanwhile, Ellie and Laurie bicker about which of them is the sexiest, dragging Travis into the argument, and Jules and Bobby dare each other to a "white shirt challenge" - to see who can wear the same while shirt longer without spilling something on it -- on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
My Baby's Daddy
Lonnie, Dominic and ''G'' are three bachelor buddies from the hood who, after a lifetime of hard-partying, are in for a crude awakening when their respective girlfriends all get pregnant at the same time. The fathers-to-be embark on an emotional journey while learning as much about themselves as they do about love and fatherhood.
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2106
Halloween and 28 monsters in 39 seconds
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, February 11

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Shy Dial
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they'll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Birth of a Salesman
Tim helps Cleveland find a position at the cable television company where he works, only to grow jealous when Cleveland excels at his job.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
One Little Word
When Stan becomes his boss' new advisor, he feels like he can't say no to anything, not even outrageous personal requests. But when Francine gets involved in the situation and his annoying "yes-man" antics ruin her Valentine's Day vacation, she does everything in her power to force him to say "no".
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Choosey Wives Choose Smith
Stan becomes jealous when he finds out Francine was once engaged to a pilot whose plane crashed, and that she seemed to settle for Stan before learning that her former fiancé was still alive. Stan and Roger try to track the man down, while Francine must choose between her husband and her lost love.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Escape from Pearl Bailey
Steve plots revenge against Lisa Silver and the cool kids after Debbie loses her bid to become student council president. But when the cool kids stage a counterattack, will Steve and his friends survive
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Pulling Double Booty
Hayley's boyfriend, Jeff, breaks up with her. After going on a short rampage through the mall after the break-up, Hayley falls for Stan's body double, Bill, from the CIA. Things take a bizarre twist when the double begins hitting on Francine. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve get their first summer job at a Chinese chicken hatchery.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Porsche, The
Rachel forces Ross to terminate their marriage. Phoebe's first triplet baby-sitting experience proves stressful. Joey pretends to own a sports car.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One on the Last Night, The
The guys and the women prepare for big changes in their living arrangements.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Runs, The
Chandler learns how obsessively neat Monica is when he attempts to do her a favor. Joey desperately tries not to flirt with his sexy new roommate (ELLE MACPHERSON).
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Teeth, The
The guys explore their femininity. Phoebe causes trouble when she kisses someone at Rachel's work.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dog, The
Jerry gets stuck sitting for an unruly dog.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Library, The
The library asks Jerry about a book overdue since 1971.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pen, The
Jerry accepts a gift his parents wanted him to refuse.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Parking Garage, The
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer lose their car in a mall parking garage.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Loobenfeld Decay, The
Leonard and Sheldon each lie to avoid hearing Penny sing in a production of Rent. However, Sheldon's lie becomes a bit too complicated for its own good.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pancake Batter Anomaly, The
With his friends knowing how sour he acts when sick; and avoiding him as a result; Sheldon is nursed for by Penny, who hasn't a clue what she's in for.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jerusalem Duality, The
With Sheldon rattled and impossible to be around after meeting Dennis, a 15-year-old physicist who's smarter than he, the rest of the guys search for a way to eliminate the threat.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bat Jar Conjecture, The
Sheldon finds himself booted from the gang's Physics Bowl team and replaced with Leslie (Sara Gilbert), so he forms his own team, hoping to prove he's superior.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Nerdvana Annihilation, The
When the delivery of a full-size prop of 1960's The Time Machine makes Penny miss work, she scolds Leonard about his sci-fi collectibles. He decides it's time to give up such childish pursuits.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5690
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Wrong Thing to Do, The
Seeing that Andy is unprepared for his upcoming job interviews, Jules agrees to coach him through it. Ellie needs a place to escape since Andy is home all the time, so she goes to Bobby's boat, only to find that Grayson beat her to it. Meanwhile, Travis and Laurie encourage Tom to date...with disastrous results.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5690
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
It'll All Work Out
When Jules realizes that the cul-de-sac crew didn't celebrate Thanksgiving together, she decides to celebrate the holiday, even though it's spring. But the family spirit is shattered, in more ways than one, when Little Stan gets his hands on Big Carl and Jules questions Ellie's parenting skills. Meanwhile, Travis struggles to write Jules' wedding vows and asks Bobby and Laurie for help, and Grayson helps a nervous Andy practice for the annual pizza toss for candidates running for mayor, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they'll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2107
First $100,000 show of season 21
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, February 12

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Cheating
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there's been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb
In an attempt to keep Roberta from having sex with Federline Jones, Cleveland takes the family to chuch...where Cleveland Jr. pledges to maintain his virginity.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Phantom of the Telethon
Stan hosts a CIA telethon to raise a million dollars for their torture programs. Meanwhile, an angry Roger works to sabotage the event. When Roger releases a terrorist at the telethon, Stan must find a way to meet the telethon's goal before everyone is blown up.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Chimdale
Roger, Francine, Hayley, and Klaus head off to the Chimdale Spa for a week of relaxation, but instead are hounded by nosey hotel detective, Ron Turlington. Back at home, Steve discovers that Stan is bald. Betrayed by Stan's deception, Steve steals Stan's wig and sneaks off to Chimdale to tell the family the truth.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Time
Fed up with a lack of alone time, Stan starts taking experimental CIA pills that allow him to remain fully awake 24/7. Using his new-found "Stan Time," Stan enters the world of competitive classic videogaming. When Francine discovers Stan's pills, she starts off on her own career. As Stan and Francine begin to drift apart, Stan must decide what's more important - "Stan Time" or family time. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger write a movie together.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Family Affair
Roger is on the outs with Stan and the family when they discover he has been seeing other families behind their back. Before they can truly forgive him, Roger must overcome his family infidelity. Meanwhile, Klaus buys everyone tickets to see his favorite band.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Apothecary Table, The
Joey finally dates Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON), but she doesn't like his friends. Rachel worries that Phoebe won't appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cafe, The
Jerry tries to help the owner of a deserted neighborhood cafe.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Tape, The
Elaine puts an erotic message on Jerry's tape recorder; George gets excited.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Nose Job, The
Jerry reconsiders dating a vacuous actress (Tawny Kitaen); George dates a woman with a big nose.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Alternate Side, The
Elaine dumps a 66-year-old, who then has a heart attack.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
12 and a Half Angry Men
Mayor West goes on trial for murder after his aide is found stabbed to death.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bigfat
After the airplane he's riding in crashes in the Canadian wilderness, Peter transforms into a feral beast.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Total Recall
Peter discovers that he's anything but irreplaceable when Lois begins hanging out with his friends; Stewie and Brian embark on a mission to reunite Stewie with his teddy bear.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
3 Acts of God
ItĆs football season and the Patriots have just lost their tenth game in a row. A disgruntled Peter joins Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland at The Clam to drink and complain about their home team. Peter suddenly has an epiphany while watching the post-game show: the teams that defeat the Patriots consistently thank God for carrying them to victory.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pork Chop Indeterminacy, The
The rest of the gang fall for Sheldon's twin sister, and Leonard's plan to win her heart is derailed when Sheldon declares he'll be the one to decide who can date her.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Peanut Reaction, The
Penny wants to throw a surprise party for Leonard, but Sheldon's indulgence at an electronics store throws her off-track.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Classy Christmas Part 1
Holly returns to fill in during Toby's jury duty, so Michael makes Pam throw a second office Christmas party to coincide with her return. Jim accepts Dwight's challenge to a snowball fight. Darryl anticipates Christmas with his daughter.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 1 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there's been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2108
Stage spotlight: New York and what would a monkey do
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
 

Friday, February 13

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Chair, The
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Family Man, The
Jack Campbell is a Wall Street trader living the high life in New York City. When Jack, who has forsaken all for the pursuit of money, becomes involved in a grocery store holdup, everything changes. He awakens the next morning, on a snowy Christmas day, lying in bed next to a wife--Kate, the college sweetheart he dumped when his career ambitions took hold--whom he never married, and in a house with two kids he never had. Now living in New Jersey in an alternate suburban universe, he has a chance to see how his life would have turned out had he married Kate and raised a family. Jack soon begins to feel strangely comfortable in the new role of loving husband and father, finding himself happy in the life he would have led had he made different choices as a young man.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ladies' Night
Tired of attending social gatherings with neighbors, Donna sneaks off and, pretending she's still unmarried, spends time with her friends at a single mothers group; Rallo helps Junior run for student council president.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Live and Let Fry
Stan turns to smuggling when trans fat is banned from Langley Falls. But when Inspector Turlington of the Langley Falls police becomes suspicious of Stan, Stan recruits Steve into his illegal enterprise. Now Steve must find a way to keep the trans fat flowing while under Turlington's watch. Meanwhile, Roger helps Klaus claim an inheritance.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Roy Rodgers McFreely
After term limits force Stan out of his position as president of the HOA, Roger steps in as the new leader under the guise of one Roy Rogers McFreely. Roger uses his power to pass new resolutions and by-laws solely to anger Stan, who earlier refused to buy Roger grenadine. Stan teams up with Hayley and plots to have Roger removed from office.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Jack's Back
When Stan's con-man dad Jack resurfaces in prison awaiting trial for a crime he did not commit, Steve gets Stan to let Jack stay with them under house arrest. Steve takes the opportunity to reconcile the two, but Stan is convinced that Jack is just using them to escape prison. Meanwhile, Hayley interns at Roger's attic bar.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Bar Mitzvah Shuffle
When snobby rich kid Etan steals Steve's girlfriend Debbie, Steve concocts a scheme to get revenge. Aided by Roger, Toshi, and Barry, Steve plots to rob Etan's Bar Mitzvah and get back his girlfriend. But when the plan goes awry and Snot takes the blame, Steve must decide whether to tell the truth and clear Snot's name or remain silent and get back Debbie. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine pitch an idea to a cell phone company.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Save the Clam
Peter and his friends attempt to save The Drunken Clam bar from being demolished; Meg takes a job as an undertaker's assistant.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Cry (Part 2), The
Rachel's sister Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON) wants Ross, but not for the reasons he thinks. Chandler astounds the others with his inability to express emotions. Is Phoebe starring in pornography LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Unagi, The
Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Ross tries to teach martial arts to Rachel and Phoebe. Joey hires a look-alike.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Dates a Student, The
When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Red Dot, The
Elaine's alcoholic boyfriend resumes drinking; Jerry is the unwitting cause.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Suicide, The
Jerry fears his girlfriend's comatose ex-boyfriend will awaken; guest Wayne Knight.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Subway, The
The friends encounter adventure on the subway.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pez Dispenser, The
George worries over gaining the upper hand in his current romance.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangerine Factor, The
Penny's break-up spurs Leonard to summon the courage to ask her out, and each goes to Sheldon for advice on their upcoming date.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bad Fish Paradigm, The
Penny opens up to a reluctant Sheldon after a less-than-stellar first date with Leonard, placing him in the uncomfortable position of having to keep a secret.
TV-14
9:00 pm
King of the Nerds
Do They Choose Wisely...or Poorly?
Nerd Anthem is back! And with the nerds being picked off one by one, the secret alliance has to think about the future - will they hit the right note & survive another week One of the Nerds decides it is a good idea to get in a fight with guest judge Moby! And when Lisa Loeb and Travie McCoy back him up, it gets awwwwkward.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
12:00 am
King of the Nerds
Do They Choose Wisely...or Poorly?
Nerd Anthem is back! And with the nerds being picked off one by one, the secret alliance has to think about the future - will they hit the right note & survive another week One of the Nerds decides it is a good idea to get in a fight with guest judge Moby! And when Lisa Loeb and Travie McCoy back him up, it gets awwwwkward.
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 2 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Blue Sunday
It's the first week of marriage for Grayson and Jules, but when Grayson doesn't know the rules, he soon becomes Jules' "coffee and wine bitch." After Travis' 21st birthday, Bobby tries to make up for lost time by teaching him lessons about being a man. And Ellie and Laurie try to pull Jules out of her depression when Grayson refuses to apologize for what he did in her dream.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Family Man, The
Jack Campbell is a Wall Street trader living the high life in New York City. When Jack, who has forsaken all for the pursuit of money, becomes involved in a grocery store holdup, everything changes. He awakens the next morning, on a snowy Christmas day, lying in bed next to a wife--Kate, the college sweetheart he dumped when his career ambitions took hold--whom he never married, and in a house with two kids he never had. Now living in New Jersey in an alternate suburban universe, he has a chance to see how his life would have turned out had he married Kate and raised a family. Jack soon begins to feel strangely comfortable in the new role of loving husband and father, finding himself happy in the life he would have led had he made different choices as a young man.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG