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SCHEDULE: March 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Thursday, March 26

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Flirting with Disaster
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Impo-Dent
When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Just Married ... with Children
Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Father Lode
Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
All in the Family
Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona's parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father's plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer 'Puss In Boots' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Roger Passes the Bar
Roger pushes himself to the breaking point by working non-stop at his dive bar. When he suffers a heart attack, Roger decides to sell the bar to a company that promises to continue his vision. Upon returning to visit, Roger sees that the dive bar has been completely remade as a family friendly restaurant.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Blagsnarst: A Love Story
Roger has been acting incredibly needy and clingy with the family. He senses something in the air that is affecting his behavior but he can't tell where its coming from. Roger leads Francine to a forest where they find a crashed alien ship, with the alien still alive.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Blonde Ambition
When her efforts to save the planet prove hopeless, Hayley decides that she might get more attention if she becomes a blonde. Meanwhile, Stan and Steve go on a mission to find a new home for the Smiths.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
CIAPOW
When Bullock sends a drone to do the job Stan and his colleagues are supposed to do, Stan is determined to prove that humans are better than robots. Meanwhile, Francine and the rest of the family participate in a slow motion race in the living room.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington
The tobacco industry sends Peter to Washington to present a speech about smoking.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Head First
Carrie convinces Doug to spend more time with Arthur.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Metaphorical Tunnel, The
Chandler wants to commit to a relationship with Janice. Phoebe poses as Joey's agent.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
One If By Clam, Two if By Sea
A British man buys Peter's favorite bar after a hurricane.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
And The Wiener Is...
Peter joins a gun club to compensate for his lack of physical assets; Meg becomes the target of the ``cool'' gang's wrath.
TV-14
6:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Infiniti NCAA Tip-Off
7:30 pm
NCAA Basketball
North Carolina vs. Wisconsin
10:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Xavier vs. Arizona
12:30 am
NCAA Basketball
Inside March Madness
1:00 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5708
Guests: Will Ferrell, Ellie Kemper, Andy Woodhull
TV-14
2:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Fire, The
A fire in the kitchen causes the employees to evacuate to the parking lot where they learn more about one another than they wanted.
TV-14
2:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5708
Guests: Will Ferrell, Ellie Kemper, Andy Woodhull
TV-14
3:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Halloween
Michael must fire someone, which puts a damper on the Halloween festivities.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn't for everyone--especially if you're a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he'll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn't have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona's long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it's going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
 

Friday, March 27

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Audrey's Sister
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn't for everyone--especially if you're a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he'll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn't have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona's long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it's going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Scents and Sensei-bility
Steve and Snot are fed up with being bullied. When they enroll in a karate class, Snot is brainwashed by the sensei and it's Steve's mission to get him back. Meanwhile, Klaus develops a horrible odor and is forced to be an outside pet.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Big Stan on Campus
When the CIA is forced to make cutbacks and go on furlough, Stan volunteers to take a position as a College Campus Security Guard. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bed and breakfast in order to boost the family's income.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Now and Gwen
When Francine's sister Gwen comes to town, Hayley suspects she is up to no good. Meanwhile, Stan teaches Steve the art of hugging Aunt Gwen and Klaus shadows Roger's dramatic comments.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
When Stan wishes he could have Principal Lewis' carefree, single life, his wish comes true! Meanwhile, in his wish world, Principal Lewis has Stan's family.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death Lives
After a near-death experience on his anniversary, Peter learns the importance of spending time with Lois.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Fat City
Doug worries that Carrie will grow to look like her mother.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, The
Joey challenges Phoebe to perform a completely selfless act. Monica gets upset when Chandler gloats about sex. Ross might finally reconcile with Emily -- but he must make a tough decision.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Kips, The
Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Chandler and Monica try to have a romantic weekend.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lethal Weapons
New Yorkers invade the town in the fall; Lois hones her martial-arts skills.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Kiss Seen 'Round The World
Meg lands an intership working with the school nerd at a television station.
TV-14
6:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Infiniti NCAA Tip-Off
7:30 pm
NCAA Basketball
Louisville vs. NC State
10:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Michigan State vs. Oklahoma
12:30 am
NCAA Basketball
Inside March Madness
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Story Town, A
The entire gang pitches in when Tom reveals he has a crush on a woman. As Jules runs mission control, Grayson tries to keep Tom from saying something weird, Andy buys them movie tickets, Laurie and Travis set up a heroic moment for him, and Ellie and Chick mock the whole proceedings - all with disastrous results.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Men Talking
Fearing that her dad, Chick, is lonely, Jules tries to set him up with Grayson as a best friend. Laurie helps Andy fit in with a cool mom group and Travis and Ellie open up to each other in the Winebulance.
TV-14
2:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Fight, The
After Dwight karate-punches Michael, Jim organizes a lunchtime rematch at Dwight's dojo.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn't all it's cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he's no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he's only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department's beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman's utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2220
A 4-year-old tries kumquats for the first time; a dog does sit-ups.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, March 28

6:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Richie's Song
Doug learns Richie's wife is cheating on him.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Cello, Goodbye
Doug fears Carrie's new job is coming between them.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Paternal Affairs
Arthur dates Doug's favorite, recently divorced aunt.
TV-PG
8:30 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
8:45 am
Movie
My Baby's Daddy
Lonnie, Dominic and 'G' are three bachelor buddies from the hood who, after a lifetime of hard-partying, are in for a crude awakening when their respective girlfriends all get pregnant at the same time. The fathers-to-be embark on an emotional journey while learning as much about themselves as they do about love and fatherhood.
TV-14
10:30 am
Movie
Head of State
Mays Gilliam, a Washington D.C. neighborhood Alderman, is about to be red-lined out of his job. But after the untimely death of the party frontrunner, Gilliam is plucked from obscurity, and thrust into the limelight as his party's nominee--for President of the United States. The players in Gilliam's life include: Mitch Gilliam, his unsophisticated older brother who becomes his running mate; Kim, his ex-girlfriend who had once dumped him, but who now has a sudden change of heart as she sees a chance at becoming First Lady; Martin Geller, his campaign manager; Lisa Clark, the woman who truly believes in Gilliam; and Debra Lassiter, the woman who doesn't have faith in his candidacy, and is serving as his reluctant advisor.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn't all it's cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he's no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he's only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department's beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman's utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Sandwich, The
Joey becomes exasperated from hiding Chandler and Monica's secret. Ross gets in trouble when he expresses his rage.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Work Laugh, The
Chandler's behavior toward his boss annoys Monica. Ross' latest romance astounds everyone.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hesitation Ramification, The
Penny turns to Leonard for comfort after her guest appearance on NCIS does not turn out well. She ends up putting Leonard on the spot regarding their relationship. Sheldon works on his sense of humor and Raj practices talking to girls.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Infiniti NCAA Tip-Off
6:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Game 17
8:30 pm
NCAA Basketball
Game 18
11:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Inside March Madness
11:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Dark Knight, The
With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Italian Job, The
The plan was flawless. The job was executed perfectly. The escape was clean. The only threat mastermind thief Charlie Croker never saw coming was from a member of his own crew. After pulling off an amazing gold bullion heist from a heavily guarded palazzo in Venice, Italy, Charlie and his gang--inside man Steve, computer genius Lyle, wheelman Handsome Rob, explosives expert Left-Ear and veteran safecraker John Bridger--can't believe it when one of them turns out to be a double crosser. Now the job isn't about the payoff, it's about payback! Enter Stella, a beautiful nerves of steel safecracker, who joins Charlie and his former gang when they follow the backstabber to California, where they plan to re-steal the gold by tapping into Los Angeles' traffic control system, manipulating signals and creating one of the biggest traffic jams in L.A. history!
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
TV-PG
 

Sunday, March 29

6:00 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Rock, The
Doug belatedly learns Carrie's engagement ring is valuable.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Road Rayge
Doug cheats on a driver's test and loses his license.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Educating Doug
Doug takes an English lit class to please Carrie.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Supermarket Story
Carrie's plan for a simple Thanksgiving falls apart when she shops for food.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cop, The
Joey wonders if he is in love with Monica. Phoebe impersonates a police officer.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Daddy's Little Girls
A single father, Monty, is a garage mechanic who lives in a poor neighborhood and struggles to make ends meet as he raises his three young daughters on his own. But when the courts award custody of his daughters to his corrupt, drug-dealing ex-wife, Monty desperately tries to win them back, enlisting the help of Julia, a beautiful--and hard-nosed--attorney he meets during his short stint as a chauffeur. While Monty and the Ivy-League-educated Julia couldn't be less alike, an unexpected romance blossoms--and it soon begins to feel like true love. But in order for their relationship to survive, the couple must reconcile their two very different worlds--and overcome the forces that threaten to tear Monty's family apart.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Helen McCarter has seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter. Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth--a little piece of paradise away from the city. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen's paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He abruptly and literally tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith, and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help-- mostly unsolicited, by the way--of her pot-smoking, gun-toting, and much beloved, grandmother figure Madea.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself
When Madea, a pistol-packing grandma, catches sixteen-year-old Jennifer and her two younger brothers looting her home, she decides to take matters into her own hands and delivers the young delinquents to the only relative they have: their aunt April. A heavy-drinking nightclub singer who lives off of Raymond, her married boyfriend, April wants nothing to do with the kids. But her attitude begins to change when Sandino, a handsome Mexican immigrant looking for work, moves into April's basement room. Making amends for his own troubled past, Sandino challenges April to open her heart. And April soon realizes she must make the biggest choice of her life: between her old ways with Raymond and the new possibilities of family, faith and even true love.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotive Manipulation, The
Amy has amour on her mind when she talks Sheldon into a romantic Valentine's Day getaway to Napa Valley wine country. Back at home, Leonard and Penny make an emergency visit to the vet with Raj's dog.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Yer So Bad
Jules invites Chick and his new girlfriend to a dinner party, but her guests aren't exactly who she expected. Travis and Laurie stake out a cupcake thief, and Andy and Ellie try to figure out who Tom's celebrity patient is.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Story Town, A
The entire gang pitches in when Tom reveals he has a crush on a woman. As Jules runs mission control, Grayson tries to keep Tom from saying something weird, Andy buys them movie tickets, Laurie and Travis set up a heroic moment for him, and Ellie and Chick mock the whole proceedings - all with disastrous results.
TV-14
12:00 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5708
Guests: Will Ferrell, Ellie Kemper, Andy Woodhull
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Why Did I Get Married?
Dr. Patricia Agnew, a psychologist, has written a best seller about marriage: hers and those of three other couples who together take a week's vacation each year to ask themselves, "Why did I get married?" It's time for one of those weeks, and all four relationships are strained: Patricia and her husband Gavin have the shadow of grief between them; Terry believes that Diane has abandoned him for her work; Angela, who's built a successful business, belittles her husband Marcus, who works for her; Mike is cruel to Sheila, his religious, overweight wife. During the week, each person's secret comes out. Will these marriages survive?
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
 

Monday, March 30

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Mr. Fix It
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fixer Upper
Doug doesn't want Carrie to play matchmaker for Spence.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Crappy Birthday
Doug forgets Carrie's 30th birthday.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Noel Cowards
Arthur's Christmas gift drives Doug and Carrie crazy.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
She's the Man
It's hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn't count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn't begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she'd always dreamed of meeting. If things weren't complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he's been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
LGBSteve
Hayley is dying to be on a roller derby team, but they will only let her play if her "sister" Steve will play too. Meanwhile, a magical carpenter visits Stan and Francine and Roger runs the roller rink.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Mr. Saturday Knight
Peter decides to pursue his dream career as a knight.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Resolutions, The
On New Year's Eve, the friends make resolutions for the coming year -- but keeping them proves difficult.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Teeth, The
The guys explore their femininity. Phoebe causes trouble when she kisses someone at Rachel's work.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac, The (Part 1)
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac, The (Part 2)
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doll, The
One of Susan's dolls looks like George's mother; Kramer turns pool shark; guest Kathy Griffin.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ratings Guy
The Griffins are chosen to be a Neilsen family, and Peter takes advantage of the chance to reformat TV to his taste - except that everyone else hates his changes.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Old Man and the Big C
Brian overhears a doctor telling Carter that Carter has only two weeks to live, but when Lois frantically checks on her father he's mysteriously healthy - and Brian wants to know why.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Shrink, The
Stan is horrified when he sees a couple die in a car crash, and he goes to see a shrink. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus study for a wine tasting.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates "Anything Can Happen Thursday," and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy, and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5709
Guests: Will Forte, Justin Willman, Mac Demarco.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Client, The
Michael surprises his boss when he and Jan try to attract a new client (Tim Meadows).
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5709
Guests: Will Forte, Justin Willman, Mac Demarco.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Pilot
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Ransom
Tom Mullen is a wealthy corporate executive used to mediating tough business deals, and doing things his own way. Along with his beautiful wife Kate and son Sean, Tom has all the material trappings of success, including a Fifth Avenue penthouse, an enviable position in New York society and high media visibility. But when the thing he cherishes most--his young son--is abducted by desperate criminals and held for ransom, Tom's world of affluence and privilege comes crashing down. And after an FBI rescue operation fails, he engineers a dangerous countermeasure in a last chance effort to bring his boy back to safety. With his son's life hanging precariously in the balance, and his wife terrified by the shocking plan, Tom offers an appalling proposal, the response to which could easily result in the loss of his son forever.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, March 31

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Guy Code
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Best Man
Doug discovers Carrie's shocking secret at a wedding.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dog Days
A barking dog keeps the Heffernans up all night.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Hungry Man
Doug embarrasses Carrie at her boss' cocktail party.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today's single world, Cal, who hasn't dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal's eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can't be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren't the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal's 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal's makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can't be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Rodger Codger
Roger runs away after he and Stan have an argument. Once the CIA finds out, they organize a search team in order to find him and bring him in for questioning. So now Stan must either kill Roger or choose friendship over his career.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fish Out Of Water
Peter hunts for a man-eating fish in order to collect reward money to pay off a loan.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 1), The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 2), The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 1), The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 2), The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 1), The
On the eve of the wedding, Ross searches for missing Chandler, who has doubts, while the girls distract unsuspecting Monica.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 2), The
Monica remains blissfully unaware of the potential disasters on her wedding day. ELLIOTT GOULD, CHRISTINA PICKLES, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, GARY OLDMAN and KATHLEEN TURNER guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Friar's Club, The
Jerry tries to join the Friars Club; a new co-worker causes more work for Elaine.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 1)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 2)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn "Star Wars Day" into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
In the Season 7 finale, Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mary Jane's Last Dance
Grayson is determined to prevent Jules from running her birthday, but will it be possible when everyone has major changes in their lives
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5710
Guests: Keith Urban, Ludacris, Mark Little.
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mary Jane's Last Dance
Grayson is determined to prevent Jules from running her birthday, but will it be possible when everyone has major changes in their lives
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5710
Guests: Keith Urban, Ludacris, Mark Little.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Into the Great Wide Open
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Lakeview Terrace
Veteran Los Angeles cop Abel Turner guards his neighborhood with the same zeal he brings to his patrol route. The single father of a teenaged daughter and preteen son, Abel is one-man security force, ensuring that his strict standards of behavior are adhered to, even if it means ruffling a few feathers in the process. Chris and Lisa Mattson, a progressive and upwardly mobile couple, move in next door to Turner, who disapproves of their interracial marriage. Hoping to rid the neighborhood of anything or anyone he deems "undesirable," Turner launches an escalating series of pranks and insults against the Mattsons. Abel takes full advantage of his police connections to antagonize his new neighbors with impunity, hoping to get them to pick up and move out. When their air conditioning unit is sabotaged in the middle of a heat wave and their car tires are mysteriously slashed, the Mattsons begin to suspect Abel is behind their troubles. But without proof, they can only try to negotiate a truce--an offer Abel does not accept. Abel's anger flares when his use of inappropriate force on the job lands him on extended leave and he discovers his daughter has been spending time with Lisa. As Abel crosses the line from annoying neighbor to dangerous adversary, the couple tries to fight back, which only feeds Turner's fury. With the resentment between the neighbors building daily, it's only a matter of time before the situation escalates into a potentially deadly stand off.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Pride
The year is 1973, and Jim Ellis, a college-educated African-American, can't find a job. Driven by his love of competitive swimming, Jim converts an abandoned recreational pool hall in a Philadelphia slum with the help of Elston, a local janitor. But when city officials mark the new Philadelphia Department of Recreation for demolition, Jim fights back--by starting the city's first African-American swim team. Recruiting troubled teens from the streets, Jim struggles to transform a motley team of novices into capable swimmers--all in time for the upcoming state championships. But as racism, violence and an unsympathetic city official threaten to tear the team apart, Jim must do everything he can to convince his swimmers that victory, both in and out of the pool, is within their reach.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, April 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Bag Ladies
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Court Date
Doug hatches a scheme after Carrie gets a traffic ticket.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
S'ain't Valentine's
Arthur meets an intoxicating woman (Anne Meara) at a St. Valentine's Day dance.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
White Collar
A new promotion makes Doug miserable.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Set in 9th century Persia, an adventurous young prince uncovers a dangerous artifact in a remote mountain kingdom. With the help of a rival princess, he must stop a despot from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy all mankind.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Emission Impossible
Lois' pregnant sister inspires her and Peter to have another baby.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Football, The
On Thanksgiving, a good-natured football game between the friends reveals some serious rivalries.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One at the Beach, The
The friends stay at a beach house. Phoebe meets someone who knows details about her family. Rachel expresses her jealousy of Ross' uninhibited girlfriend.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Rugby, The
Chandler's annoying former girlfriend reappears. Ross plays rugby to impress Emily -- with painful results.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Dates Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Calzone, The
George becomes his boss's pet when he shares a delicious calzone with him.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Invitations, The
George searches for a way to stop his impending nuptials; guests Janeane Garofalo, Stephen Root, George Steinbrenner.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Butter Shave, The
Jerry gets upset when a lame comic follows his act; Kramer uses butter.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Middle Earth Paradigm, The
Penny hosts a Halloween party, putting Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali through a new test of their social skills.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dumpling Paradox, The
With Wolowitz AWOL with one of her friends, Penny's recruited to fill in for him on the guys' Halo team.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Grasshopper Experiment, The
Raj's parents set him up on a blind date, and when he discovers he can talk to her, she shows interest in Sheldon.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5711
Guests: Ringo Starr, Rob Corddry, Waters
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Performance Review
Everyone is on edge during performance review day, including Michael who steals the employee suggestion box in search of new ideas he can present to his boss.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5711
Guests: Ringo Starr, Rob Corddry, Waters
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Do Me Like That
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Set in 9th century Persia, an adventurous young prince uncovers a dangerous artifact in a remote mountain kingdom. With the help of a rival princess, he must stop a despot from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy all mankind.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2211
This week's episode includes animals on the attack
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, April 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Old School Jeff
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Rayney Day
Doug plays golf in the rain; guest Ray Romano.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Train Wreck
Doug is disappointed when his beautiful young trainee doesn't make Carrie jealous.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Where's Poppa
Hit by a foul ball, Doug ends up at Dr. Becker's and makes a friend (Bill Cosby).
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson's life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it's the kids' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
To Love and Die In Dixie
The Griffins are put into the witness protection program.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby On the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Moves In, The
Joey wants to move back in with Chandler, but there's a new problem. Phoebe tapes a rock video. Ross upsets Monica.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner, The
Phoebe's ex-singing partner wants to make Phoebe's signature song, "Smelly Cat," a commercial success. Chandler dates a woman (SHERILYN FENN) with a handicap.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Crosses the Line, The
Chandler is guilt-ridden after kissing Joey's girlfriend. Ross' musical talents are not as amazing as he and Phoebe think
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl From Poughkeepsie, The
Ross struggles to maintain a long-distance relationship. Chandler tries to get a date for Rachel. Monica schemes to establish authority at her new restaurant job.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Thunder, The
Monica excitedly reveals her good news to everyone, but Rachel and Ross upstage her. Chandler has trouble making love.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Screwed The Pooch
Brian releases his sexual energy on the Pewterschmidts' dog.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Griffin: Husband, Father, Brother?
Chris discovers that he has a black ancestor.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization, The
When they're invited to present at a physics conference, Sheldon's reluctance to share the credit leads to a tiff between him and Leonard, and Penny's intervention only exacerbates the situation.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Loobenfeld Decay, The
Leonard and Sheldon each lie to avoid hearing Penny sing in a production of Rent. However, Sheldon's lie becomes a bit too complicated for its own good.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pancake Batter Anomaly, The
With his friends knowing how sour he acts when sick; and avoiding him as a result; Sheldon is nursed for by Penny, who hasn't a clue what she's in for.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jerusalem Duality, The
With Sheldon rattled and impossible to be around after meeting Dennis, a 15-year-old physicist who's smarter than he, the rest of the guys search for a way to eliminate the threat.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5712
Guests: Aubrey Plaza, Ron Funches, Calexico
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mary Jane's Last Dance
Grayson is determined to prevent Jules from running her birthday, but will it be possible when everyone has major changes in their lives
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5712
Guests: Aubrey Plaza, Ron Funches, Calexico
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Won't Back Down
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson's life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it's the kids' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2221
The beginning of the $100,000 countdown!
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
 

Friday, April 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Engagement Party
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats" music video.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Someone's Cranky
Debra searches for the cause of Robert's mean-spirited behavior.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Bad Moon Rising
Ray's attempts to alleviate Debra's womanly problems only make her more irritable.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Confronting the Attacker
After losing his nerve on the job, Robert quits the force to begin a career in telemarketing.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Robert's Divorce
The sight of Robert's ex-wife prompts the family to reminisce about the demise of the marriage.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
11:30 am
American Dad
My Affair Lady
Hayley gets a job and starts to fall for a co-worker. Meanwhile, Stan chauffers Steve and Francine to a Mother-Son dance. Hayley is broke and gets an office job where she meets a cute co-worker named Ax. Klaus and Roger encourage her to have sex with Ax on an office retreat. Hayley is all for it until she finds out Ax is a married man. Hayley backs out when she sees he has a tattoo of Roger. Back at home, Stan steals Francine from Steve at the school dance and tries to make it up to him by letting them dance at home.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Star Is Reborn, A
While on vacation in Los Angeles, Stan joins the world of old Hollywood.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour
Francine is up for an award for her lonely housewife novel, so the family heads to New York for the ceremony. Meanwhile, Stan and Hayley hang out with actor Robert Wuhl, and Steve and Roger recreate their Wheels and the Legman personas.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Shrink, The
Stan is horrified when he sees a couple die in a car crash, and he goes to see a shrink. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus study for a wine tasting.
TV-14
1:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ready, Willing and Disabled
Peter helps Joe regain his confidence by training him for a decathlon.
TV-14
2:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part I)
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part I)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part 2)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bat Jar Conjecture, The
Sheldon finds himself booted from the gang's Physics Bowl team and replaced with Leslie (Sara Gilbert), so he forms his own team, hoping to prove he's superior.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Nerdvana Annihilation, The
When the delivery of a full-size prop of 1960's The Time Machine makes Penny miss work, she scolds Leonard about his sci-fi collectibles. He decides it's time to give up such childish pursuits.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Meet The Smiths
Step Your Notches Up
Kenny and Gwen's parenting differences are put on full display as they raise their family of five, while Gwen's daughter Monique faces a major life decision.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Step Your Notches Up
Kenny and Gwen's parenting differences are put on full display as they raise their family of five, while Gwen's daughter Monique faces a major life decision.
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Wreck Me
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Woman in Love (It's Not Me), A
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O'Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there's been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise, but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces that she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, April 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama, but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and, needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Queasy Rider
Doug buys a motorcycle against Carrie's wishes; Carrie takes up smoking.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O'Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the 'ins' and 'outs' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it's definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss, The
Rachel interviews for a great job--but she may get it for the wrong reason. Monica competes to have a better relationship than Phoebe's.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Smokes, The
Rachel submits to peer pressure at work. Joey and Ross' son audition for the same commercial -- but only one can get the part.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Can't Flirt, The
Ross' flirting technique fails to impress a cute pizza-delivery woman. A surprise awaits Joey when he tells everyone about his big television appearance.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pork Chop Indeterminacy, The
The rest of the gang fall for Sheldon's twin sister, and Leonard's plan to win her heart is derailed when Sheldon declares he'll be the one to decide who can date her.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Peanut Reaction, The
Penny wants to throw a surprise party for Leonard, but Sheldon's indulgence at an electronics store throws her off-track.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Step Your Notches Up
Kenny and Gwen's parenting differences are put on full display as they raise their family of five, while Gwen's daughter Monique faces a major life decision.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
At the Final Four presented by Infiniti
4:00 pm
NCAA Basketball
Final Four Show, The
6:00 pm
2015 NCAA Final Four
Game 19
8:30 pm
2015 NCAA Final Four
Game 20
11:30 pm
NCAA Basketball
Inside March Madness
12:30 am
The Last Ship
Pilot - Phase Six
Captain Tom Chandler and the crew of the USS Nathan James set out for the Arctic with two civilian virologists, Dr. Rachel Scott and Dr. Quincy Tophet, who claim to be studying birds. When they come under attack by a renegade team of Russian forces, Chandler learns these virologists are actually collecting samples of the source of a deadly virus that has wiped out over half the human population while they¿ve been at sea. As they head home on the orders of the remaining U.S. government, Chandler and his crew realize that home is a shadow of what they left, and the safest place to develop a vaccine for this deadly disease is out at sea on their ship.
1:30 am
Movie
Expendables, The
The only life they've known is war. The only loyalty they have is to each other. They are the Expendables: leader and mastermind Barney Ross, former SAS blade expert Lee Christmas, hand-to-hand combat specialist Yin Yang, long barrel weapons specialist Hale Caesar, demolitions expert Toll Road, and precision sniper Gunnar Jensen. Living life in the fringes of the law, these hardened mercenaries take on what appears to be a routine assignment: a covert, CIA-funded operation to infiltrate the South American country of Vilena and overthrow its ruthless dictator General Garza. But when their job is revealed to be a suicide mission, the men are faced with a deadly choice, one that might redeem their souls--or destroy their brotherhood forever.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Terminator Salvation
The year is 2018. Judgment Day has come and gone, leveling modern civilization. An army of Terminators roams the post-apocalyptic landscape, killing or collecting humans where they hide in the desolate cities and deserts. But small groups of survivors have organized into a Resistance, hiding in underground bunkers and striking when they can against an enemy force that vastly outnumbers them. Controlling the Terminators is the artificial intelligence network Skynet, which became self-aware 14 years earlier and, in the blink of an eye, turned on its creators, unleashing nuclear annihilation on an unsuspecting world. Only one man saw Judgment Day coming. One man, whose destiny has always been intertwined with the fate of human existence: John Connor. Now the world is on the brink of the future that Connor has been warned about all his life. But something totally new has shaken his belief that humanity stands a chance of winning this war: the appearance of Marcus Wright, a stranger from the past whose last memory is of being on death row before awakening in this strange, new world. Connor must decide whether Marcus can be trusted. But as Skynet adapts new strategies to end the Resistance forever, Connor and Marcus must find common ground to take a stand against the onslaught-to infiltrate Skynet and meet the enemy head-on.
TV-14
 

Sunday, April 5

6:00 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Big Break, The
Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 1), The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 2), The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn't long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
11:15 am
Movie
Heartbreak Kid, The
After years of bachelorhood and ample pressure from his father, Doc, and best friend Mac, Eddie Cantrow starts to wonder if he is being too picky about the women he meets. So when a chance encounter with an alluring blonde named Lila leads to a sweet romance, Eddie impulsively proposes. But right after the wedding, as the newlyweds get to know each other on the drive down the California coast, Eddie begins to realize he's made a terrible mistake. Soon after reaching their exotic Mexican hideaway, he falls for the down-to-earth Miranda, who has no clue he's on his honeymoon. Now Eddie has to find a way to extricate himself from his days-old marriage without losing the girl of his dreams.
TV-14
1:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife's due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter's last nerve.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Yes Man
Carl Allen's life is going nowhere--the operative word being "no"--until he signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything--and anything. Unleashing the power of "YES" begins to transform Carl's life in amazing an unexpected ways, getting him promoted at work and opening the door to a new romance. But his willingness to embrace every opportunity might just become too much of a good thing.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Meet the Fockers
Now that Greg Focker is "in" with his soon-to-be in-laws, Jack and Dina Byrnes, it looks like smooth sailing for him and his fiancée, Pam. But that's before Pam's parents meet Greg's parents, Bernie and Roz Focker. The hyper-relaxed Fockers and the tightly-wound Byrneses are woefully mismatched from the start, and no matter how hard Greg and Pam try, there is just no bringing their families together.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangerine Factor, The
Penny's break-up spurs Leonard to summon the courage to ask her out, and each goes to Sheldon for advice on their upcoming date.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bad Fish Paradigm, The
Penny opens up to a reluctant Sheldon after a less-than-stellar first date with Leonard, placing him in the uncomfortable position of having to keep a secret.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Codpiece Topology, The
Seeing Penny with another guy sends Leonard back to Leslie Winkle (Sarah Gilbert), much to Sheldon's dismay.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Barbarian Sublimation, The
Penny becomes addicted to an online game based on the world of Conan the Barbarian and persistantly pesters Sheldon for advice.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Griffin Equivalency, The
Full of confidence following being named one of People's "30 to Watch Under 30", Raj hits on Penny and becomes impossibly arrogant.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Euclid Alternative, The
An intervention is used to try to force Sheldon to overcome his fear of driving.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Meet the Fockers
Now that Greg Focker is "in" with his soon-to-be in-laws, Jack and Dina Byrnes, it looks like smooth sailing for him and his fiancée, Pam. But that's before Pam's parents meet Greg's parents, Bernie and Roz Focker. The hyper-relaxed Fockers and the tightly-wound Byrneses are woefully mismatched from the start, and no matter how hard Greg and Pam try, there is just no bringing their families together.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Yes Man
Carl Allen's life is going nowhere--the operative word being "no"--until he signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything--and anything. Unleashing the power of "YES" begins to transform Carl's life in amazing an unexpected ways, getting him promoted at work and opening the door to a new romance. But his willingness to embrace every opportunity might just become too much of a good thing.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn't long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
 

Monday, April 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Fix Ups & Downs
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and "tell it to the judge."
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Female Problems
Carrie befriends a new neighbor; Doug feels left out.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Assaulted Nuts
After Doug convinces Carrie he doesn't goof around at work, horseplay gets him into a painful and embarrassing predicament.
TV-14
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Parent Trapped
Deacon and Kelly ask Doug and Carrie to be the godparents of their new baby; Arthur is put in charge of the pretzel stand.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil's bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas, A
Peter accidentally gives away all the Christmas presents; Brian burns Lois' dinner.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Everybody Finds Out, The
Chandler and Monica's relationship becomes less of a secret. Ross must prove to his boss that he's sane in order to return to work.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cop, The
Joey wonders if he is in love with Monica. Phoebe impersonates a police officer.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Moves Out, The
Monica's parents find out about her middle-aged boyfriend (TOM SELLECK). Chandler and Joey argue -- and it could mean the end of their living arrangement.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Dates a Student, The
When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Yug Ylimaf
Brian discovers that he can use Stewie's time machine to pick up girls, but when he tries to cover his tracks he accidentally reverses the flow of time.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Joe's Revenge
Joe, Peter and Quagmire set out to capture the criminal who caused Joe's paralysis; Brian grows jealous of Quagmire's cat.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, The
Sheldon, and his friends, are mystified when a younger undergraduate student is attracted to him.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Panty Pinata Polarization, The
When Sheldon bans Penny from the apartment for numerous minor infractions, she decides to retaliate. Howard and Raj search for the America's Next Top Model house.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5713
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Christmas Party
After Michael suggests a game of "Yankee Swap" with the Secret Santa gifts, everyone fights over Michael's gift to Ryan, bringing morale to an all-time low.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5713
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Gunslingers
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil's bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2005
This episode highlights pint-size pooches, talking animals, and a salute to the lone star state.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, April 7

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Visit from Fay, A
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous "husband" shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school - at Al's expense - and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his "close encounter."
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dire Strayts
Doug and Carrie invite Ray and Debra Barone (``Everybody Loves Raymond'') to dinner; Doug gets stuck in the attic.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Doug Out
Feeling guilty, Doug invites Arthur to a Mets game; Doug gets arrested trying to catch a foul ball.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Tube Stakes
Doug's big screen television is stolen when Carrie accidentally leaves the garage door open.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Clash of the Titans
The ultimate struggle for power pits men against kings and kings against gods. But the war between the gods themselves could destroy the world. Born of a god but raised as a man, Perseus is helpless to save his family from Hades, vengeful god of the underworld. With nothing left to lose, Perseus volunteers to lead a dangerous mission to defeat Hades before he can seize power from Zeus and unleash hell on earth. Leading a daring band of warriors, Perseus sets off on a perilous journey deep into forbidden worlds. Battling unholy demons and fearsome beasts, he will only survive if he can accept his power as a god, defy his fate and create his own destiny.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
American Dad After School Special, The
Steve starts dating an overweight girl. Stan's insecurity about his own body image leads him to anorexia.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Failure Is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dungeons and Wagons
Stan gets mixed up in street racing to put some excitement back in his marriage. After Hayley breaks up with Jeff Fischer, Jeff becomes video game pals with Steve. In an attempt to get Jeff back, Hayley kills Steve's beloved video game character.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
Brian is sentenced to care for a crabby old woman; Peter's beard becomes a home for birds.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Dad, The
Phoebe learns the surprising truth about her father. Ross makes Monica's Christmas party guests miserable.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Two Parties, The
Rachel gets a surprise at her birthday party when her parents (MARLO THOMAS and RON LEIBMAN) show up.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Party, The
Trying to become better acquainted with her sexy client, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross' plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Halloween Party, The
At Monica's Halloween party, Phoebe meets her twin sister's fiance and finds that she is attracted to him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lizard-Spock Expansion, The
Sheldon wants to use an alternate version of rock-paper-scissors to help resolve conflicts. A girl (Sara Rue) Wolowitz has a major crush on falls for Leonard.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
White Asparagus Triangulation, The
Sheldon is overexuberant that Leonard finally has a girlfriend (Sara Rue) matching his high standards.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vartabedian Conundrum, The
Leonard seeks Penny's counsel when his relationship with Stephanie (Sara Rue) takes off faster than he'd like. Sheldon's hypochondriac tendencies get the better of him.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bath Item Gift Hypothesis, The
Sheldon irks the gangs with his obession with proper Christmas gift protocol. Lenoard's crushed when Penny dates a colleague of his.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Pilot
Happily married couple Kelli and Oliver Weston are living the old adage "marry your spouse, marry their family" as they spend their weekends visiting their respective in-laws and learning to maneuver through the idiosyncrasies that make up every family. With each visit, Kelli and Oliver do what they can to keep the things on an even keel despite their very different backgrounds. In the premiere episode, Oliver installs a nanny-cam at his home so he can keep an eye on the babysitter while he takes Kelli for a night out. But when the babysitter has a visitor, suddenly it's Louis and Jason who are glued to the screen. Meanwhile, Ricky thinks Kelli is abusing her children after she sees a drawing her granddaughter made.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Killer Robot Instability, The
Penny's criticism of Wolowitz's romantic life pushes him into depression and AWOL for a fighting robot battle the rest of guys are depending on him for.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5714
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Pilot
Happily married couple Kelli and Oliver Weston are living the old adage "marry your spouse, marry their family" as they spend their weekends visiting their respective in-laws and learning to maneuver through the idiosyncrasies that make up every family. With each visit, Kelli and Oliver do what they can to keep the things on an even keel despite their very different backgrounds. In the premiere episode, Oliver installs a nanny-cam at his home so he can keep an eye on the babysitter while he takes Kelli for a night out. But when the babysitter has a visitor, suddenly it's Louis and Jason who are glued to the screen. Meanwhile, Ricky thinks Kelli is abusing her children after she sees a drawing her granddaughter made.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5714
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Here Comes My Girl
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Tuxedo, The
Cabbie-turned-chauffeur Jimmy Tong learns there is really only one rule when you work for playboy millionaire Clark Devlin: Never touch Devlin's prized tuxedo. But when Devlin is temporarily put out of commission in an explosive "accident," Jimmy puts on the tux and soon discovers that this extraordinary suit may be more black belt than black tie. Suddenly thrust into a dangerous world of espionage, paired with a rookie partner as inexperienced as he is, Jimmy becomes an unwitting--if impeccably dressed--secret agent.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Spy Next Door, The
Bob Ho is an undercover CIA superspy who decides to give up his career in espionage to settle down with his next-door neighbor and girlfriend, Gillian. But Bob has one more mission to complete before Gillian agrees to marry him--winning over her three opinionated kids. When Gillian suddenly has to leave town, Bob volunteers to babysit the children so he can earn their approval. But when one of the kids mistakenly downloads a top-secret formula from his computer, Bob's archenemy, a Russian terrorist, moves in for the attack, forcing Bob to juggle the roles of spy and prospective stepfather in the most challenging mission of his career.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, April 8

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Time Share
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Get Away
On a weekend trip, Doug and Carrie discover that Deacon and Kelly have a much more active sex life.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Roamin' Holiday
Doug invites Spence to move in as part of a plan to keep Carrie's annoying friends from spending a weekend.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
I, Candy
Doug's self-esteem gets a boost when a waitress flirts with him.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Iced, Iced Babies
With Steve busy with his girlfriend, Francine decides she wants another baby. Stan, however, does not, so he secretly gets a vasectomy. But Francine discovers he still has sperm left in a CIA sperm bank. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a professor at Hayley's community college and earns the adoration of a psycho student.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Of Ice and Men
Stan's competitive streak is unleashed when he and Francine start ice dancing together. Stan dumps Francine to compete with Roger. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends get a mail order Russian bride.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Lincoln Lover
Greg introduces Stan to the Langley Falls Log Cabin Republicans. Only after Stan is taken with their fabulous ways does he realize that it's a gay group. To gain further acceptance into this wonderful group, Stan decides to become gay. Meanwhile, Terry is furious to discover Greg is a Republican.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Irregarding Steve
When Steve realizes he's smarter than Stan, he throws it in Stan's face and moves with Roger to New York City to become writers. There, they quickly realize they're short on street smarts when they fall in with the pretentious hairdresser, Mr. Beauregard. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of the lives of the squirrels living in the Smith's backyard.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
From Method To Madness
Stewie attempts a career in show business; Meg dates a nudist.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's (Marlo Thomas) offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stuck Together, Torn Apart
Peter's jealously forces a trial separation; Stewie and Brian get glued together.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Algorithim, The
Looking to get friendly with Barry Kripke to gain access to a piece of high-tech lab equipment, Sheldon develops a flowchart process to make friends.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Financial Permeability, The
When Sheldon loans money to Penny so she can pay her rent, it leads to Leonard coming face-to-face with her ex, Kurt.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Capacitance, The
A visit from Leonard's mother (Christine Baranski) ends up bringing him and Penny closer.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cushion Saturation, The
Paintball leads to a squabble between Sheldon and Penny, as well as romance between Howard and Leslie.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Terminator Decoupling, The
The gang is thrilled when they see Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' Summer Glau is also aboard their train to San Francisco for a scientific symposium. Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over having forgotten a paper he wants to present to George Smoot.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5715
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Booze Cruise
When Michael takes the Mifflin crew on a motivational harbor cruise, things get out of hand and Michael ends up in the brig.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5715
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mystery Man
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Total Recall
Recurring dreams about Mars lead a man to discover his forgotten past as a government agent.
TV-14