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SCHEDULE: April 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Monday, April 27

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Twice
When Audrey becomes jealous of a pregnant co-worker, she inadvertently convinces her colleagues that she has a bundle of joy on the way too. Meanwhile, Jennifer and Adam get a surprise Amish visitor, Toby, who is a little unaccustomed to his new urban surroundings. Russell quickly takes it upon himself to show Toby around town and exposes him to his so-called "fabulousbachelor lifestyle." The end result is unbelievable.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can''t wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she''s dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
'Til Deaf
Cleveland loses his hearing during a secret hunting trip and tries to keep the truth from Donna; Donna decides to go back to school; Roberta challenges Junior when he runs for reelection as student body president.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Weiner of Our Discontent
For over seventy years Roger has been acting like he's the most important person on the planet, and Stan is sick of it! Stan considers Roger to be a worthless, lazy, lying, cheating, alcoholic slob.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Daddy Queerest
Stan is once again humiliated by the way Francine behaves in social situations, so he pushes her in the pool at a party.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan's Night Out
Stan feels left out when he discovers that a few of the guys from work have been hitting the town while he sits at home with Francine eating dinner on a TV tray and watching gardening shows.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
In Country...Club
When Steve is selected to sing the national anthem at the Langley Falls Veterans' Day celebration, he gets some heat from Stan who doesn't think he's ready for such an undertaking. Unimpressed with Steve's vocal talents, Stan decides Steve needs to experience real war in order to sing about our country's military prowess. But things quickly go south when Roger gets involved and Steve goes bananas.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peterotica
After reading an erotic novel, Peter decides to write one of his own and gets Carter to publish it.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bubble Boy, The
Jerry gets lost en route to visiting a sickly fan; guest Jessica Lundy.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cheever Letters, The
Jerry and George work on their pilot script.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opera, The
Unaware her beau is a mad stalker, Jerry takes Elaine to the opera.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5721
Guests: Cedric "The Entertainer", Fareed Zakaria, Marina and the Diamonds
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Michael's Birthday
In celebration of his birthday, Michael makes a mandatory invite of the staff during the workday to go ice skating.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5721
Guests: Cedric "The Entertainer", Fareed Zakaria, Marina and the Diamonds
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Let Yourself Go
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Delta Farce
Down on his luck after losing his job and his girlfriend on the same day, Larry decides to join his neighbor, Bill, and his combat-happy buddy, Everett, for a relaxing weekend of drinking and target practice. But when the three hapless guys are mistaken for Army Reservists by the hard-nosed Sergeant Kilgrove, they''re loaded onto an army plane headed for Fallujah, Iraq--and mistakenly ejected in a Humvee somewhere over Mexico. Convinced they''re actually in the Middle East, the clueless wannabe soldiers save a rural village from a siege of bandits and become local heroes. But when Carlos Santana, a ruthless, karaoke-loving warlord, strikes back, Larry, Bill and Everett have to lay down their beers and take up their arms--and prove they just might be real soldiers after all.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2109
Golden oldies, a day at the beach, spotlight on Ohio, and more.
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2110
Christmas 2010
TV-G
 

Tuesday, April 28

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Challenge, The
When Jeff, Russell, and Adam make a bet to see who would be able to score the soonest, the three put their thinking caps on and rise up to the challenge. In the meantime, Russell's new assistant Timmy is also put into place as a watch guard for Russell. But when a series of unfortunate events begin to unwind, Jeff, Russell, and Adam are left out to hang with minutes to spare, leaving only one winner that takes everyone by surprise.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''''s wedding.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Das Shrimp Boot
Cleveland's determination to attend an all-you-can-eat shrimp cruise ends up getting him addicted to energy supplements and kidnapped by pirates.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Moon Over Isla Island
Stan convinces the dictator of Isla Island to sign a treaty to get a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Steve and Snot get competitive to see who can get farther with the other's mom.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Home Adrone
When Steve gets the chance to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a Veterans' Day event, Stan takes it upon himself to be Steve's vocal coach. Dissatisfied with Steve's progress, Stan signs Steve up for a Vietnam reenactment in the hopes that a little battle experience will help Steve to truly understand the national anthem. But the pressure of mock war, along with Stan's coaching, gets to Steve causing him to become a relentless reenacting machine. Meanwhile, Roger prepares to watch a pay-per-view Barbra Streisand concert.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Brains, Brains, and Automobiles
When Hayley and Steve leave for their respective summers of fun, Francine looks forward to her newfound alone time with Stan.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Man in the Moonbounce
Stan vows to live out all the teenage pranks he missed with Steve and his friends. But when they are caught, he winds up going to prison.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives
Brian becomes a crazed activist when Mayor West bans gay marriage after Jasper announces he wants to marry his partner at the Griffin home.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Buggie Nights
When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Virgin, The
Hours before a network meeting, Jerry and George draw a blank; guest Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Airport, The
On a flight, Jerry meets a beauty, while Elaine sits next to a smelly guy.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pick, The
Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Launch Acceleration, The
When NASA reschedules Howard's mission and puts his wedding plans in jeopardy, he's forced to face his fears and Bernadette's dad (guest star CASEY SANDER).
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Will, The
Gil's aunt dies but nobody liked her until they find out she was leaving behind a potential fortune in her will. Oliver and Kelli scramble to find a way out when Shawni asks them to be her horrible son's guardians.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Countdown Reflection, The
When Howard and Bernadette decide they want to be married before his NASA space launch, the gang rushes to put on a wedding, on the fifth season finale.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5722
Guests: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Zach Woods, The Lone Bellow
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Will, The
Gil's aunt dies but nobody liked her until they find out she was leaving behind a potential fortune in her will. Oliver and Kelli scramble to find a way out when Shawni asks them to be her horrible son's guardians.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5722
Guests: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Zach Woods, The Lone Bellow
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Makin' Some Noise
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Duplicity
CIA officer Claire Stenwick and MI6 agent Ray Koval have left the world of government intelligence to cash in on the highly profitable cold war raging between two rival multinational corporations. Their mission? Secure the formula for a product that will bring a fortune to the company that patents it first. For their employers--industry titan Howard Tully and buccaneer CEO Dick Garsik--nothing is out of bounds. But as the stakes rise, the mystery deepens and the tactics get dirtier, the trickiest secret for Claire and Ray is their growing attraction. And as they each try to stay one double-cross ahead, two career loners find their schemes endangered by the only thing they can''t cheat their way out of: love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2111
I do's and don't's and state spotlight: New Jersey
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, April 29

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Family Style
When Audrey plans a dinner date with Jeff, Jackie and Brad, Jeff feels extremely violated when Jackie begins eating off his plate! Meantime, when Russell finds out his new fling (a psychotherapist), Ellen, won't see him as a patient, he quickly gets creative and decides to use Timmy to find out why he is the way he is.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks (2)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Dial "B" for Virgin
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he''s finally ahead of the game. And that''s when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they''re going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it''s Nina''s turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this ''90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
March Dadness
When Freight Train bonds with Cleveland Jr., Cleveland goes head-to-head with the pair in a two-man golf tournament - choosing the man who kept Freight Train from playing pro football as his teammate.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Shallow Vows
Upset that Francine has let herself go, Stan takes drastic measures when she asks him to renew their wedding vows.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
My Morning Straitjacket
After attending a concert with Hayley, Stan becomes obsessed with her music.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
G-String Circus
When Hayley rejects Stan's advice, he decides to start a dry-cleaning business run by a bunch of strippers. But when the business fails miserably, he is forced to become a male stripper to make some extra money.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Rapture's Delight
The Rapture happens on Christmas Eve, and Stan is left behind.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Petergeist
Peter discovers an Indian burial ground in the backyard; Stewie gets sucked into the television.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sold-y Locks
Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Visa, The
A deportee (Brian George) blames helpful Jerry; Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Untitled Griffin Family History
The Griffins get robbed; Peter narrates a chain of events in world history that explains the Griffin name.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Date Night Variable, The
On the sixth season premiere, Howard discovers that he can't escape his mother -- even in space! Back on earth, meanwhile, Raj turns his existence as a third wheel into an art form.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Decoupling Fluctuation, The
When Sheldon learns that Penny is thinking about breaking up with Leonard, he tries to intervene. Meanwhile, Howard is being picked on in space by the other astronauts.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Higgs Boson Observation, The
Amy's nervous when Sheldon hires Alex, a female assistant.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Re-Entry Minimization, The
Howard returns from space...without the welcome he wanted.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Holographic Excitation, The
The gang celebrates Halloween at Stuart's comic book store. Meanwhile Leonard and Penny discover a new spark in their relationship when he seduces her with science.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5723
Guests: Matthew Perry, Rose Mclver
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Drug Testing
Dwight finds half a joint in the parking lot and launches a full investigation; Michael asks an unusual favor.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5723
Guests: Matthew Perry, Rose Mclver
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Damage You've Done, The
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
International, The
Interpol Agent Louis Salinger and Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman are determined to bring to justice one of the world''s most powerful banks. Uncovering myriad and reprehensible illegal activities, Salinger and Whitman follow the money from Berlin to Milan to New York to Istanbul. Finding themselves in a high-stakes chase across the globe, their relentless tenacity puts their own lives at risk as their targets will stop at nothing--even murder--to continue financing terror and war.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2112
Naughty boys and football
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
TV-PG
 

Thursday, April 30

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
May Divorce Be with You
When Audrey invites her and Jeff's recently divorced out of luck friend Steve to stay with them for a few days, Audrey thinks she may have become Steve's newest rebound. Meanwhile, Russell's love em' and leave em' antics have finally caught up with him when his newest fling Tina's overprotective brothers manage to track Russell down and make him follow through with his never ending empty promises.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Men in Me, The
After winning a dance contest and being labeled "The Whitest Man in America," Cleveland decides to retrace his roots with help from his former nanny.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth
When Francine demands that Stan get rid of his gas-guzzling SUV because it's draining the family of money, he hatches a plan with Roger at the local horse track to avoid giving up his ride. Meanwhile, it's up to Steve and his friends to help out an old friend.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Jones for a Smith, A
Stan puts down liberal social programs because he thinks they're a waste of money and gives Francine a hard time for lending a helping hand at the local homeless shelter. When Stan develops a nasty addiction and needs help, he suddenly has a change of heart.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
May the Best Stan Win
As Valentine's Day approaches, a cyborg version of Stan attempts to steal Francine away from Stan; Roger directs a shot-for-shot remake of the movie "The Goonies."
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Return of the Bling
Stan is appalled to discover that Roger - a "Miracle On Ice" hockey team member - used steroids; Hayley finds herself falling for Reginald.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie B. Goode
Stewie gets homicidal during swimming lessons; Stewie takes up drinking.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part I)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part 2)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bango Was His Name Oh
Stewie travels to San Francisco in search of his real father; Lois and Peter try to play matchmaker.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure
Stewie is unhappy with the man he will become.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie Loves Lois
Lois gets sick of Stewie's newfound affection; Peter has a prostate exam.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mother Tucker
Peter's mom announces that she is getting a divorce; Peter finds a father figure in anchorman Tom Tucker; Brian gets his own radio show.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Extract Obliteration, The
Sheldon's friendship with renowned scientist STEPHEN HAWKING is threatened by a game of "Words with Friends," while Penny secretly enrolls in a class at the local college.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Habitation Configuration, The
Bernadette pressures Howard to move out of his mother's house, while Sheldon finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between Amy and Wil Wheaton.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5724
Guests: January Jones, Dave Attell, MIke Vecchione
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Conflict Resolution
Chaos ensues when Michael takes responsibility for conflict resolution from the Human Relations department.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5724
Guests: January Jones, Dave Attell, MIke Vecchione
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Keeping Me Alive
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2213
A toddler reacts to a phone ringing
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
TV-PG
 

Friday, May 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
House Money
When Jennifer and Russell decide to teach Adam a lesson in responsibility, the joke is on them when Adam has the last laugh.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (1)
The Bundys and D'Arcys go on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (2)
The Bundys' and D'Arcy's Caribbean cruise is ruined when the ship sinks.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A single, suburban dad tries to make ends meet as a security officer at a New Jersey mall. It''s a job he takes very seriously, though no one else does. When Santa''s helpers at the mall stage a coup, shutting down the megaplex and taking hostages (Paul''s daughter and sweetheart among them), Jersey''s most formidable mall cop will have to become a real cop to save the day.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Frapp Attack!
An online video of Donna throwing a frappuccino in Cleveland's face attracts the attention of a music producer who tries stealing Donna away from Cleveland.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Cops and Roger
In an attempt to prove his manhood to Stan, Roger joins the Police Academy. But it's not very long until he becomes a corrupt cop.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Merlot Down Dirty Shame
Complications ensue when Roger accompanies Francine to wine country; Klaus and Hayley trick Steve into believing he's dreaming when he's really awake.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Bully for Steve
Stan becomes tired of Steve never standing up for himself. To help, he becomes a bully and picks on Steve. Meanwhile, Reginald finally asks Hayley out on a date.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Incident at Owl Creek, An
Stan becomes the laughing stock of Langley Falls after he defecates in a swimming pool during a party.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hell Comes to Quahog
Brian and Stewie try to save the town when corporate giant Superstore puts all the local shops out of business.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mango, The
Jerry learns Elaine pretended to enjoy their intimacy; Kramer is banned from a fruit store.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Glasses, The
George buys effeminate glasses; dog-bite victim Elaine thinks she has rabies.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Puffy Shirt, The
Jerry appears on ``Today'' wearing a silly shirt; guests Bryant Gumbel, Jerry Stiller.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
43 Peculiarity, The
Howard and Raj try to solve a mystery about Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Parking Spot Escalation, The
Sheldon & Howard battle over an assigned parking spot.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Meet The Smiths
Zen Detective, The
Kenny tries to help Gwen cope with her stress, while Kayla and Monique try to keep Kenny out of their business.
9:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn''t be happier at Madea''s misfortune. But Madea''s eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Zen Detective, The
Kenny tries to help Gwen cope with her stress, while Kayla and Monique try to keep Kenny out of their business.
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn''t all it''s cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he''s no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he''s only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies'' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department''s beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman''s utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson''s life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it''s the kids'' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, May 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
And Bingo was Her Game-O
Peggy wins $10,000 playing Bingo. Meanwhile, NO MA'AM chooses their official beer.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve year old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex... with Amber.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson''s life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it''s the kids'' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn''t all it''s cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he''s no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he''s only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies'' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department''s beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman''s utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 1), The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 2), The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Working Late Again
Debra gets Ray to set up a home office so he can spend more time with the family.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Children's Book, The
Debra and Ray's children's book collaboration turns competitive.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Gift, The
Frank seems depressed by the aquarium Ray bought him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
High School
At his high-school reunion, Ray discovers Debra is cool and he is not.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fish Guts Displacement, The
Howard bonds with his father-n-law on a fishing trip.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Santa Simulation, The
Sheldon unwillingly revisits some Christmas memories during a lively game of Dungeons and Dragons, while Raj joins the girls for ladies night out.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Egg Salad Equivalency, The
Sheldon is accused of sexual harassment at the University and winds up dragging Leonard, Raj and Howard into the fray.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bakersfield Expedition, The
Leonard's car is stolen when the guys take a road trip to a comic book convention in Bakersfield, dressed as Star Trek characters.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper, The/Kripke Inversion
Outraged that he's being forced to work with his university nemesis, Barry Kripke (guest star JOHN ROSS BOWIE), Sheldon faces a crisis of conscience.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spoiler Alert Segmentation, The
When Sheldon and Leonard fight, it affects Penny and Amy's living arrangements. Meanwhile, Raj takes care of Mrs. Wolowitz while Howard is away.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Will, The
Gil's aunt dies but nobody liked her until they find out she was leaving behind a potential fortune in her will. Oliver and Kelli scramble to find a way out when Shawni asks them to be her horrible son's guardians.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Zen Detective, The
Kenny tries to help Gwen cope with her stress, while Kayla and Monique try to keep Kenny out of their business.
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Don't Know How It Feels
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Fooled Again (I Don't Like It)
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today''s single world, Cal, who hasn''t dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal''s eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can''t be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren''t the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal''s 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal''s makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can''t be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
It's Complicated
Jane is the mother of three grown kids, owns a thriving Santa Barbara bakery/restaurant and has-after a decade of divorce-an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, attorney Jake. But when Jane and Jake find themselves out of town for their son''s college graduation, things start to get complicated. An innocent meal together turns into the unimaginable-an affair. With Jake remarried to the much younger Agness, Jane is now, of all things, the other woman. Caught in the middle of their renewed romance is Adam, an architect hired to remodel Jane''s kitchen. Healing from a divorce of his own, Adam starts to fall for Jane, but soon realizes he''s become part of a love triangle. Should Jane and Jake move on with their lives, or is love truly lovelier the second time around? It''s-complicated.
TV-14
 

Sunday, May 3

6:00 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
6:30 am
King of Queens, The
Offensive Fowl
Carrie soon grows tired of Doug's forcing his new vegetarian lifestyle down her throat. Meanwhile, Carrie's boss wants to start discussing novels with her, and Spence takes on some humiliating new jobs.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Mild Bunch
Doug's 20th high school reunion seems like a dud until an old friend comes up with a way to retaliate for past grievances with their old principal, while Danny and Spence try to hook up with old classmates. Carrie and Arthur try to have a movie night together.
TV-14
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fianci.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fianci. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
It's Complicated
Jane is the mother of three grown kids, owns a thriving Santa Barbara bakery/restaurant and has-after a decade of divorce-an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, attorney Jake. But when Jane and Jake find themselves out of town for their son''s college graduation, things start to get complicated. An innocent meal together turns into the unimaginable-an affair. With Jake remarried to the much younger Agness, Jane is now, of all things, the other woman. Caught in the middle of their renewed romance is Adam, an architect hired to remodel Jane''s kitchen. Healing from a divorce of his own, Adam starts to fall for Jane, but soon realizes he''s become part of a love triangle. Should Jane and Jake move on with their lives, or is love truly lovelier the second time around? It''s-complicated.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today''s single world, Cal, who hasn''t dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal''s eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can''t be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren''t the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal''s 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal''s makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can''t be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangible Affection Proof, The
Sheldon struggles to find a Valentine's gift for Amy.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monster Isolation, The
Raj vows never to leave his apartment after a horrible date.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Contractual Obligation Implementation, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard try to advance the cause of women in science by speaking with junior high girls about their future careers, while Raj plans his date with Lucy.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closet Reconfiguration, The
To open or not to open When Howard finds a letter from his father, he's forced to confront his past. And Leonard and Penny throw a "grown-up" cocktail party at the apartment.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tenure Turbulence, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Raj fight for tenure at the University.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closure Alternative, The
After one of his favorite TV shows gets canceled too soon, Sheldon feels lost, so Amy tries to help him get over his compulsive need for closure by retraining his brain.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Resurgence, The
Leonard and Sheldon hire Professor Proton (guest star BOB NEWHART), the host of their favorite childhood TV show to perform. Raj leaves his dog with Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Spell Potential, The
When the girls' trip to Vegas falls through, the guys invite them to a Dungeons & Dragons date night that causes Sheldon and Amy's relationship to take an unexpected turn.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn''t all it''s cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he''s no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he''s only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies'' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department''s beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman''s utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
 

Monday, May 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Sex Toy Story
When Jennifer and Audrey throw a "girls only" sex party, Jeff quickly gets insecure when he finds a "product" Audrey may have purchased. Meanwhile, Russell decides to ditch the single life for a moment when he overhears from an attractive woman that she has a preference for married men.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Shoe Room with a View, A
Al arranges for an aerobics studio to open next to the shoe store.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
When Bud decides to move out, Peggy's mother arrives to stay.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Briard
The family tries to console Kelly when Buck dies.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Reverend Al
Al and his friends turn No Ma'am into a tax-exempt church.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
How Bleen Was My Kelly
Kelly accidentally invents a baldness cure with some unusual side effects.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil''s bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
American Prankster
A series of escalating pranks between Rallo and Cleveland Jr. lands Rallo in court, where he's sentenced to serve time in juvenile hall.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Great Space Roaster
It is Roger's birthday, and he begs to be roasted, but Roger takes the cruel jokes to heart and goes on a rampage against the Smith family.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
100 A.D.
When Hayley and her old boyfriend, Jeff, elope, Stan freaks out and offers a reward to anyone who can stop them, sparking a wild goose chase throughout town. Though Reginald attempts to get involved, he ends up fighting with Bullock over the man's time with Halley. Roger and Steve are on the case to find Hayley and Jeff as "Wheels and the Legman."
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Son of Stan
After Stan creates a clone of Steve, Francine and Stan compete with each other to determine who has better parenting skills. Meanwhile, Roger tracks down the AWOL bride and groom in Thailand.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls
After hosting the scariest haunted house in the neighborhood for years, Stan is threatened by a competitive neighbor.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Saving Private Brian
Brian and Stewie find themselves in boot camp; Chris and his rock band have a hit with their single ``Evil, Evil Monkey.''
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Fatty McButterpants
Doug has a hard time coming to grips with his need to lose weight.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bris, The
A religious ceremony makes Jerry and Elaine apprehensive about being godparents.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Lip Reader, The
George enlists a lip-reader (Marlee Matlin) to learn why his girlfriend dumped him.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Barber, The
Jerry doesn't have the nerve to dump his regular barber.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Non-Fat Yogurt, The
Jerry and Elaine suspect Kramer's yogurt shop is causing their weight gain.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bon Voyage Reaction, The
On the sixth season finale, Sheldon and Penny are thrown for a loop when Leonard is offered an exciting new job opportunity overseas.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Insufficiency, The
In the Season 7 premiere, Leonard is away at sea, so Sheldon & Penny spend some time together and spill some revealing secrets. Meanwhile, Howard comes to Raj's aid after his breakup with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5725
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Casino Night
Employees take some big gambles when they host a charity casino-night in their warehouse.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5725
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Little Girl Blues
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil''s bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2117
Siblings and pets
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Weaker Sex, The
Al suffers public scorn when Peggy is declared a hero for taking out a pickpocket.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, May 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Flirting
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Flight of the Bumblebee
Bud takes on wrestler King Kong Bundy as his initiation into "No Ma'am."
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Blonde and Blonder
Kelly's class reunion becomes the scene for an ex-nerd's revenge.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl II
Marcy is determined to keep Polk High's new football scoreboard from being named after Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Bearly Men
Al must prove himself a man so his father-in-law will take Peggy's mom back home.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Two That Got Away, The
Bumped from their fishing lodge cabin, Al and Jefferson seek revenge against actress Shannon Tweed.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, The
Doomed by a wronged sorceress, Zi Yuan, to spend eternity in suspended animation, China''s ruthless Dragon Emperor and his 10,000 warriors have laid forgotten for eons, entombed in clay as a vast, silent Terracotta Army. But when dashing adventurer Alex O''Connell is tricked into awakening the ruler from eternal slumber, the reckless young archaeologist must seek the help of the only people who know more than he does about taking down the undead: his parents. As the monarch roars back to life, the O''Connells find his quest for world domination has only intensified over the millennia. Striding the Far East with unimaginable supernatural powers, the Emperor Mummy will rouse his legion as an unstoppable, otherworldly force--unless the O''Connells can stop him first.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
B.M.O.C.
While researching potential colleges for Roberta to attend, Cleveland visits his old fraternity, where he's made a fool of; Rallo becomes a substitute for Junior's stuffed animal.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stan's Food Restaurant
Roger offers to help Stan live out his dream of opening a restaurant until their different visions for what the eatery should be causes havoc.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
White Rice
After an argument between Stan and Francine breaks out, Stan suggests they go see a counselor, who hypnotizes Francine and reawakens her lifelong dream of being a comedian. Meanwhile, back in Langley Falls, Steve brings home a potential love interest for Klaus.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
There Will Be Bad Blood
The Smiths prepare for the arrival of Stan's half-brother's family for Thanksgiving.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
People Vs. Martin Sugar, The
Stan serves as jury foreman for the trial of one of Roger's personae, and he is hell-bent on making sure the jury finds him guilty.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Whistle While Your Wife Works
When Peter's boss (Carrie Fisher) tells him he needs to pick up the pace, Lois goes to the brewery to help him.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Roast Chicken
Doug turns to Carrie and Arthur for help when he is roped into roasting the head of his company.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Deception Verification, The
Leonard returns from the North Sea expedition and finds things chilly between him and Sheldon, while Howard's relationship with his mother opens the door to questions about his masculinity.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Scavenger Vortex, The
Raj puts together a scavenger hunt that turns into serious, cutthroat competition among the gang.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Raiders Minimization, The
Sheldon is fit to be tied when Amy ruins one of his favorite adventure films, while Leonard finds the key to getting Penny to do his bidding, and Raj & Stuart get creative with their online-dating profiles.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Workplace Proximity, The
Amy takes a job at Sheldon's university, putting their relationship to the test.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Christmas in July
It's Ricky's annual summer Christmas photo but Louis scheduled his company-mandated life insurance physical at the same time, and a representative will be dropping by to take a urine sample. Since Louis smoked pot with Blake last week, he's now on the hunt for an untainted sample.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Romance Resonance, The
Sheldon makes a major scientific breakthrough, but he feels it may haunt him for the rest of career. Meanwhile, Howard makes a grand romantic gesture to Bernadette, which causes Penny to put more effort into her relationship with Leonard.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5726
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Christmas in July
It's Ricky's annual summer Christmas photo but Louis scheduled his company-mandated life insurance physical at the same time, and a representative will be dropping by to take a urine sample. Since Louis smoked pot with Blake last week, he's now on the hunt for an untainted sample.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5726
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
When the Time Comes
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, The
Doomed by a wronged sorceress, Zi Yuan, to spend eternity in suspended animation, China''s ruthless Dragon Emperor and his 10,000 warriors have laid forgotten for eons, entombed in clay as a vast, silent Terracotta Army. But when dashing adventurer Alex O''Connell is tricked into awakening the ruler from eternal slumber, the reckless young archaeologist must seek the help of the only people who know more than he does about taking down the undead: his parents. As the monarch roars back to life, the O''Connells find his quest for world domination has only intensified over the millennia. Striding the Far East with unimaginable supernatural powers, the Emperor Mummy will rouse his legion as an unstoppable, otherworldly force--unless the O''Connells can stop him first.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2118
Salute to the tush and "hit, miss, or disgusting"
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I Can't Believe It's Butter
Al forces Peggy's mom to get a job right before Christmas.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, May 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Snoozin' for a Bruisin'
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Love Conquers Al
Peggy takes Al and her parents to a marriage therapy retreat.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (1), The
To keep Kelly as a client, Bud sets out to produce a sexy exercise video.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (2), The
In order to save his life, Bud must finish his exercise video on time.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Calendar Girl
Al uses Bud's class project to beat out a rival shoe store owner.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (1)
As Kelly and her friends trick Bud's fraternity out of their spring break in Florida, Al and Griff join Jefferson in Fort Lauderdale to judge a college co-ed beauty contest.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (2)
As Al prepares to chest to see that Kelly is named Miss Spring Break, Marcy and Bud lead some burned fraternity brothers to Florida for revenge.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Scorpion King, The
In the notorious city of Gomorrah, an evil ruler is determined to lay waste to all the nomadic peoples of the desert. The few remaining tribes, never natural allies, have to unite or perish. Knowing their enemy relies on the visions of a sorcerer, they hire a skilled assassin, Mathayus to eliminate the visionary. After infiltrating the enemy camp, Mathayus discovers that the sorcerer is in fact a beautiful woman. Rather than eliminate her, he takes her deep into the desert badlands, knowing that the ruler''s henchman will stop at nothing to rescue her and bring her back. Seriously wounded in the ensuing battle, Mathayus must find the strength to lead his scrappy band of allies back to Gomorrah for a final confrontation.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Jesus Walks
A cute girl entices Cleveland Jr. to join the church choir; Cleveland thinks Donna may be cheating on him.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls
Stan gives Steve a gun for Christmas, even though Francine warns him that Steve is too young. As usual, Stan ignores her, and when Steve accidentally shoots Santa, he sends the North Pole into a tizzy and jeopardizes Christmas.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Fartbreak Hotel
When Roger releases lethal gas into the Smith residence, the family moves into a hotel while the fumes clear. Francine finds herself with a lot of free time on her hands, and she soon finds herself working in the construction business.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stanny-Boy and Frantastic
On the hunt for new friends, Stan and Francine hit it off with a younger married couple, Tom and Cami.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Pinata Named Desire, A
Stan takes an acting class taught by Roger after he blows an undercover assignment. Stan then uses his newfound acting skills to steal a part in a local play from Roger. Roger, down but not out, takes out the play's female lead and gets her part. Now it's opening night and Stan and Roger take to the stage to see who is the better actor. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends plan a sleepover.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Prick Up Your Ears
Lois volunteers to teach a sex-ed class at the high school when she learns that Chris has some incorrect information on the subject.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike One
Doug buys a new car against Carrie's wishes and regrets it almost immediately.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike Too
With nothing to do during the IPS strike, Doug tries substitute teaching at the school at which his sister, Stephanie (Ricki Lake), works.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike Out
The IPS strike continues and Carrie arranges a play date for Doug.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stand-In, The
Kramer is a stand-in on a soap opera; George wants to break up with a girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chick Cancer
Stewie marries his old friend Olivia; Lois introduces Peter to chick flicks.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Displacement, The
When Sheldon's childhood hero, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), seeks Leonard's help with an experiment, the slighted Sheldon goes nuclear and decides to get revenge by befriending another TV science guy, Bill Nye.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Itchy Brain Simulation, The
Leonard fails to stop Sheldon from overreacting after a past slight comes to light, and as punishment Leonard must walk a mile in Sheldon's shoes. Meanwhile, Penny has a run-in with Raj's former girlfriend Lucy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thanksgiving Decoupling, The
Howard's mother has a say when he and Bernadette host Thanksgiving dinner for the gang.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Discovery Dissipation, The
When Sheldon's accidental scientific discovery is disproved, Amy and Leonard try to help him deal with the shame and the disappointment. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette open their home to Raj for a week.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper Extraction, The
With Sheldon in Texas, the gang gathers to decorate for Christmas, and they contemplate if each would have had a wonderful life had they never met him.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5727
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Gay Witch Hunt
Michael unintentionally outs a gay employee; the situation with Jim and Pam.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5727
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Same Old You, The
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
All About the Benjamins
A caper set in the world of fast cars, diamonds and a missing lottery ticket worth a fortune. Miami bounty hunter Bucum Jackson teams up with Reggie Reed, the slippery mark he''s chasing, for a one-in-a-million chance at a huge payday. It''s about trust, it''s about teamwork, and ''it''s all about the Benjamins''...
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Source Code
When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he''s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he''s ever known, he learns he''s part of a government experiment called the "Source Code," a program that enables him to cross over into another man''s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life. With a second, much larger target threatening to kill millions in downtown Chicago, Colter re-lives the incident over and over again, gathering clues each time, until he can solve the mystery of who is behind the bombs and prevent the next attack.
TV-14
 

Thursday, May 7

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Atlantic City
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Agony and the Extra C, The
A Jefferson anniversary surprise is ruined when a drunken tattoo artist misspells Marcy's name.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Turning Japanese
To secure a big promotion at the bank, Marcy must first buy Al's car for her Japanese boss.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bud Hits the Books
Bud's unauthorized use of the library threatens his graduation.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes to the Dogs
Al and Marcy clash over a doghouse for Lucky.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kiss of the Coffee Woman
Al and Marcy object to Kelly and Jefferson's appearing as a couple in a suggestive TV commercial.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Express, The
The true story of Ernie Davis, two-time All-American running back for Syracuse University who led his team to the national championship in 1960. In 1961, he became the first black man to win the Heisman Trophy. Later that year, he was the first pick in the NFL draft. But Davis never got the chance to play professional football, he was diagnosed with leukemia during the summer of 1962 and died nearly a year later.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Flush of Genius
Cleveland attempts to make toilet seats safer; Rallo thinks he's tall enough to ride his favorite rollercoaster.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
You Debt Your Life
Roger moves out of the house when he finds out that Stan only let him live there because Roger had saved his life years ago at Area 51. Francine gets Roger to come back home, only to find that Stan has rented out Roger's attic to a new tenant - Andy Dick. Now Roger must find a way to convince Stan to take him back and get rid of Andy Dick. Meanwhile, Steve gets asked to read the daily announcements at school.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
I Am the Walrus
Stan resorts to extreme and cruel measures to humiliate Steve and maintain his alpha-male status in the house, and Hayley and Jeff turn to Principal Lewis for marriage counseling.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
School Lies
Overlooked for promotion for twenty years, Stan decides to woo the Senator who supervises the CIA task force. Stan makes Steve go to the same private academy as the Senator's daughter, but Steve ditches school and Roger takes his place.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
License to Till
When Steve has trouble crossing over into the "cool kids" social circle, Klaus and Roger place their bets to see how quickly Roger can make him cool. Everything they try backfires until Steve becomes the in-crowds designated driver. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine take turns pranking each other.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Barely Legal
Meg cannot find a date for the junior prom, so Brian goes with her.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Do Rico
Doug learns how to excite Carrie in the bedroom; Arthur wants his life chronicled.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Class Struggle
After Carrie decides to go back to college, Doug turns to his sister (Ricki Lake) for advice.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Dark Meet
Doug and Carrie have flashbacks of their first Thanksgiving together.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Vows, The
As Monica and Chandler prepare their wedding vows, they and their friends reminisce. The episode features numerous clips from previous shows.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Dad, The
Chandler confronts his estranged cross-dressing father (KATHLEEN TURNER). Rachel gets into trouble driving Monica's Porsche. ALEXIS ARQUETTE guest stars.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats, The (Part 1)
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats, The (Part 2 )
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Rupert
Brian accidentally sells Stewie's beloved teddy bear, Rupert; Meg must drive Peter around after he loses his license.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter's Two Dads
After Peter's dad dies, he finds out that his real father lives in Ireland; Stewie realizes that he likes when Lois spanks him, so he purposely gets into trouble.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The
Peter beats up a bully who harasses Chris; Stewie obsesses over getting a tan then fears he has cancer after spending too much time in a tanning booth.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Airport '07
Peter causes Quagmire to lose his job as a pilot; Hugh Hefner gives Quagmire advice, which leads him to save the day.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hesitation Ramification, The
Penny turns to Leonard for comfort after her guest appearance on NCIS does not turn out well. She ends up putting Leonard on the spot regarding their relationship. Sheldon works on his sense of humor and Raj practices talking to girls.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5728
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Convention, The
Michael organizes a party in his hotel room when he, Dwight and Jan attend a convention in Philadelphia.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5728
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
No Reason to Cry
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Watchmen
When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the outlawed but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion--a disbanded group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers--Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity...but who is watching the Watchmen?
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2115
Angry animals and lazy dogs
TV-G
 

Friday, May 8

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Ghost Story
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Enemies
A philandering delivery man's affair with Kelly causes problems with his own suspicious girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Torch Song Duet
Al helps Griff win a pair of tickets to the Olympic Games.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Joke's on Al, The
Al and Jefferson vie to claim the title of King of Practical Jokes.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Stepford Peg, The
Peggy's amnesia allows Al to mold her into the perfect wife.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Children of the Corns
Al and Griff try to blackmail their sweatshop-owning boss for a raise.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Total Recall
Recurring dreams about Mars lead a man to discover his forgotten past as a government agent.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Mama Drama
As Mother's Day approaches, Cleveland hires an actress to impersonate Dee Dee, Donna's estranged mother.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Jenny Fromdabloc
After Snot professes his love for Hayley and gets shot down, Steve and Roger devise a plan to cheer him up. Roger dresses up as Steve's cousin from New Jersey, Jenny Fromdabloc, and Snot falls hard for her. Meanwhile, Stan wants to live like a gentleman of the 1960s, complete with dark suits and dry martinis.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Home Wrecker
Stan and Francine fight over how to redecorate the house. It goes so far that they split the house down the middle and try to live without each other.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Flirting With Disaster
Francine gets a job at Stan's office, which cramps Stan's style and his ability to flirt with co-workers. When Francine retaliates with a little flirting of her own, war breaks out at work.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Gorillas in the Mist
Stan spends some quality father-son time with Steve at the local zoo, but things go wrong when Steve slips into a gorilla exhibit. Meanwhile, Roger bets Hayley that he can become a great Country singer and sets out to write the most heartbreaking song of all time.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey
After Peter helps Bill Clinton fix a flat tire, they become friends; Lois and Stewie try to potty train Brian.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Work Related
Arthur accepts a job at Carrie's company; Doug and Deacon compete for a place in their company's calendar of hunks.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Twisted Sitters
Doug and Carrie are caught in embarrassing circumstances while looking after Deacon and Kelly's children.
TV-14
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Better Camera
Doug surprises Carrie with a new camera for Christmas.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opposite, The
George learns success lies in doing the opposite of what he would normally do; guests Dedee Pfeiffer, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford; French Stewart.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Chaperone, The
Kramer chaperons Jerry's date with a beauty contestant; guest Ian Abercrombie.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Big Salad, The
Kramer helps an athlete wanted for a brutal crime flee police; guest Michelle Forbes.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotive Manipulation, The
Amy has amour on her mind when she talks Sheldon into a romantic Valentine's Day getaway to Napa Valley wine country. Back at home, Leonard and Penny make an emergency visit to the vet with Raj's dog.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Meet The Smiths
Honeymoon Ain't Over, The
Kenny and Gwen try to put some romance back in their relationship. But with five kids and an overworked Gwen, this proves to be more difficult than expected.
9:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Daddy's Little Girls
A single father, Monty, is a garage mechanic who lives in a poor neighborhood and struggles to make ends meet as he raises his three young daughters on his own. But when the courts award custody of his daughters to his corrupt, drug-dealing ex-wife, Monty desperately tries to win them back, enlisting the help of Julia, a beautiful--and hard-nosed--attorney he meets during his short stint as a chauffeur. While Monty and the Ivy-League-educated Julia couldn''t be less alike, an unexpected romance blossoms--and it soon begins to feel like true love. But in order for their relationship to survive, the couple must reconcile their two very different worlds--and overcome the forces that threaten to tear Monty''s family apart.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Honeymoon Ain't Over, The
Kenny and Gwen try to put some romance back in their relationship. But with five kids and an overworked Gwen, this proves to be more difficult than expected.
12:00 am
Movie
My Baby's Daddy
Lonnie, Dominic and ''G'' are three bachelor buddies from the hood who, after a lifetime of hard-partying, are in for a crude awakening when their respective girlfriends all get pregnant at the same time. The fathers-to-be embark on an emotional journey while learning as much about themselves as they do about love and fatherhood.
TV-14
1:45 am
Movie
She's the Man
It''s hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn''t count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn''t begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she''d always dreamed of meeting. If things weren''t complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he''s been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, May 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Twisted
A killer storm strikes, leaving the Bundys and D'Arcys sharing a basement shelter.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Grime and Punishment
When he starts charging Bud rent, Al is confined to the basement until he makes some much-needed repairs.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Crimes Against Obesity
As he's trying to celebrate his birthday, Al is put on trial by a group of obese women.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly's Gotta Habit
As Kelly agrees to give up sex for a big TV commercial, Al teams with Officer Dan for an appearance on Cops.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Wedding Presence
Doug and Carrie try to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Papa Pill
Doug learns that taking care of Arthur is not an easy task.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Paint Misbehavin'
The gang plays paintball to celebrate Deacon's birthday.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Hi-Def Jam
Doug wants to watch the Super Bowl on a high-definition television.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
My Baby's Daddy
Lonnie, Dominic and ''G'' are three bachelor buddies from the hood who, after a lifetime of hard-partying, are in for a crude awakening when their respective girlfriends all get pregnant at the same time. The fathers-to-be embark on an emotional journey while learning as much about themselves as they do about love and fatherhood.
TV-14
11:45 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Five Steaks And an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby On the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Russ, The
Joey gets a great acting opportunity. Rachel dates a guy who is amazingly similar to Ross. Series star DAVID SCHWIMMER plays a dual role.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Letter, The
Debra lays it on the line in a letter to Marie.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Civil War
Ray and Frank enlist for a Civil War re-enactment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
All I Want for Christmas
A romantic Christmas morning ends when Ray's family bursts in for eggs Florentine and unwrapping gifts.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Mia Famiglia
Ray's long-lost Italian Aunt Sarina seems too good to be true.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates "Anything Can Happen Thursday," and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy, and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Christmas in July
It's Ricky's annual summer Christmas photo but Louis scheduled his company-mandated life insurance physical at the same time, and a representative will be dropping by to take a urine sample. Since Louis smoked pot with Blake last week, he's now on the hunt for an untainted sample.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Honeymoon Ain't Over, The
Kenny and Gwen try to put some romance back in their relationship. But with five kids and an overworked Gwen, this proves to be more difficult than expected.
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Thing About You, A
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Lost Children
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hangover Part II, The
Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug travel to exotic Thailand for Stu''s wedding. With the memory of Doug''s nearly disastrous bachelor party in Las Vegas still fresh-or at least well-documented-Stu is taking no chances. He has opted for a safe, subdued, pre-wedding trip brunch, with pancakes, coffee and no alcohol. However, things don''t always go as planned. Two nights before the big day, at a fabulous resort in Thailand, Stu relents. One beer each. In sealed bottles. What could go wrong? What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok can''t even be imagined.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn''t look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie''s new mentor wasn''t an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center''s ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world''s worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2201
A man teases an alligator; homemade rocket disasters
TV-G
 

Sunday, May 10

6:00 am
King of Queens, The
Deacon Blues
Doug is surprised to find his married friend Deacon out with another woman.
TV-PG
6:30 am
King of Queens, The
Horizontal Hold
Carrie begins to question her relationship with Doug.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 1), The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan. BROOKE SHIELDS, CHRIS ISAAK, ROARK CRITCHLOW, FRED WILLARD and TAHJ MOWRY guest star.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 2), The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate. JULIA ROBERTS and JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME guest star.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it''s more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it''s war.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hangover Part II, The
Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug travel to exotic Thailand for Stu''s wedding. With the memory of Doug''s nearly disastrous bachelor party in Las Vegas still fresh-or at least well-documented-Stu is taking no chances. He has opted for a safe, subdued, pre-wedding trip brunch, with pancakes, coffee and no alcohol. However, things don''t always go as planned. Two nights before the big day, at a fabulous resort in Thailand, Stu relents. One beer each. In sealed bottles. What could go wrong? What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok can''t even be imagined.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Movie
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn''t look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie''s new mentor wasn''t an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center''s ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world''s worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn "Star Wars Day" into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
In the Season 7 finale, Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it''s more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it''s war.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Chevyweight (1)
Al struggles to find a part for his ailing car.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Juggs Have Left the Building, The
Peggy and Kelly team up as a singing duo for a talent contest in Branson, Missouri.
TV-PG