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SCHEDULE: May 2016

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Friday, May 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Old College Try
Bud's big plans to move into his college dorm are destroyed when Al and Peg manage to get their hands on his scholarship money and go on a shopping spree. Broke and dormless, Bud is forced back into the Bundy household.
TV-14
9:00 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents, but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Meet By-Product
St. Valentine's Day finds Doug and Carrie reminiscing about the first time they met.
TV-14
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Wild Cards
Doug hides his losing trip to Atlantic City from Carrie.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Surprise Artie
Carrie's surprise birthday party for Arthur is ruined when Doug loses the guest of honor.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Rodger Codger
Roger runs away after he and Stan have an argument. Once the CIA finds out, they organize a search team in order to find him and bring him in for questioning. So now Stan must either kill Roger or choose friendship over his career.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie Kills Lois
Lois and Peter sail off on a cruise. Jealous that he was left behind, Stewie's matricidal tendencies are rekindled. When Brian challenges him to actually do it, Stewie carries out his diabolical plan.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Clean Break
In the Season 4 finale, Coach is moving out of the loft, while Schmidt gets rid of non-essentials and comes to realize what is really important to him, and Jess & Nick reminisce and try to determine how they feel about each other.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Pilot
Jess Day is a young woman who, after discovering her long-term boyfriend cheating on her, moves into a loft apartment with three male roommates: prickly bartender Nick, womanizer Schmidt, and intense personal-trainer Coach. The guys try to help Jess get back on her feet and into the dating world.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Outing, The
Jerry tries to refute reports that he and George are lovers; guest Paula Marshall.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pearl Necklace
When Max and Caroline met Martha Stewart at a gala event and gave her one of their cupcakes to taste, they were thrilled to get a positive response! Now, Max and Caroline attempt to keep the faith that Martha Stewart will call and help support their cupcake business. Meanwhile, Caroline loses a lucky keepsake.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Hold-Up
Max and Caroline show their true colors when the diner gets robbed. Meanwhile, everyone sees a surprising new side of Han.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Oz: The Great and Powerful
When Oscar Diggs, a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks that fame and fortune are his for the taking, that is until he meets three witches - Theodora, Evanora and Glinda - who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone has been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the enormous problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity - and even a bit of wizardry - Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well.
TV-PG
11:45 pm
Separation Anxiety (DVS)
Derrick & Jhinezka
Derrick and Jhinezka have been married for three wonderful years and have two beautiful kids. While Derrick is calm and collected, Jhinezka is the exact opposite. Can she keep her cool on stage long enough to stash some cash away for their children's future
TV-MA
12:45 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Depending on You
Jules and Grayson receive a wedding invitation from a couple they barely know and on a date that conflicts with Grayson's roller-hockey finals. Despite Grayson's important plans, Jules simply cannot say no. Meanwhile, Bobby finds out that Dog Travis has puppies, and the crew discovers that Tom (recurring guest star Robert Clendenin) has created a model of the neighborhood with eerily lifelike dolls of everyone.
TV-14
1:15 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Trip to Pirate's Cove, The
The town of Gulf Haven is transformed into a pirate's cove for Buccaneer Week. Determined to step up his mayoral duties, Andy pleads with Ellie to appeal to tourists by bringing out her alter ego, Charming Ellie. Enamored by this new, lovable version of her best friend, Jules cannot get enough of "Chellie." Meanwhile, Laurie starts baking "naughty cakes" to increase sales.
TV-14
1:45 am
Movie
Ocean's Twelve
It's been three years since Danny Ocean, and his crew--fronted by detail man, Rusty Ryan, up-and-coming pickpocket Linus Caldwell, explosives expert Basher Tarr, and safecracker Frank Catton--pulled off one of the most audacious and lucrative heists in history, robbing ruthless entrepreneur Terry Benedict of every dime stored in his impenetrable Las Vegas vault. After splitting the $160 million take, each one of the infamous Ocean's crew has tried to go straight, lay low and have a legit life, but that's proven to be a challenge--much to the chagrin of Danny's wife Tess. When someone breaks rule number one and rats them out to Benedict, going straight is no longer an option; he wants his $160 million back--with interest, or else. And as the gang quickly discovers, Benedict isn't the only powerful person in the world looking for Ocean's Eleven.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2208
Clips of "guys with their pants on fire" versus "dogs with itchy poopers"
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her make-up right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, May 7

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 1), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 2), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Mango, The
Jerry learns Elaine pretended to enjoy their intimacy; Kramer is banned from a fruit store.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
I Love You, Man
Peter Klaven is a successful real estate agent who, upon getting engaged to the woman of his dreams, Zooey, discovers, to his dismay and chagrin, that he has no male friend close enough to serve as his Best Man. Peter immediately sets out to rectify the situation, embarking on a series of bizarre and awkward "man-dates," before meeting Sydney Fife, a charming, opinionated man with whom he instantly bonds. But the closer the two men get, the more Peter''s relationship with Zooey suffers, ultimately forcing him to choose between his fiancée and his new found "bro," in a story that comically explores what it truly means to be a "friend."
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 1), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake War
Max and Caroline put their baking skills to the test when they audition to be contestants on the hit cooking show "Cupcake Wars."
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pre-Approved Credit Card
A new pre-approved credit card causes strife between Max and Caroline, who have different opinions on what to charge on it. Meanwhile, Earl's estranged son, Darius, arrives in New York with hopes of becoming a stand-up comedian.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Candy Manwich
Andy, a cute candy store owner, has eyes for Caroline, but she's too embarrassed to see him after a humiliating experience at his candy store.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Three Boys with Wood
Max and Caroline enlist two Amish boys who are exploring the modern world to build a barn for Chestnut. Meanwhile, Candy Andy discovers Caroline's ex-billionaire identity.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates "Anything Can Happen Thursday," and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy, and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn "Star Wars Day" into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Bernie Voters
Bernie Voters. Sam sits down with a panel of Bernie supporters to try to understand their point of view.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Detour
B & B, The
While the kids recover from acute food poisoning, the Parkers decide to get some rest at a southern B&B. They are treated to southern hospitality, southern customs and Russian vodka.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
I Love You, Man
Peter Klaven is a successful real estate agent who, upon getting engaged to the woman of his dreams, Zooey, discovers, to his dismay and chagrin, that he has no male friend close enough to serve as his Best Man. Peter immediately sets out to rectify the situation, embarking on a series of bizarre and awkward "man-dates," before meeting Sydney Fife, a charming, opinionated man with whom he instantly bonds. But the closer the two men get, the more Peter''s relationship with Zooey suffers, ultimately forcing him to choose between his fiancée and his new found "bro," in a story that comically explores what it truly means to be a "friend."
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Bank Job, The
True story of a 1970''s London bank heist with major political ramifications. A group of burglars tunnel through to the basement of a bank, but the tunnel almost collapses on them. Their communications with one another, via walkie-talkies and ham radios, are overheard and the police are notified. The police respond but don''t find the robbers because they fail to look in the basement. The robbers steal the contents of the safety deposit boxes which contain compromising photographs and other evidence of wrong-doing by major politicians and business people. Before they can escape, however, their getaway car is stolen and the replacement truck gets stuck in the tunnel until a little boy, passing by the tunnel entrance, suggests that they let the air out of the tires and this helps them escape. After their escape they are tracked by the police as well as the powerful people they have inadvertently robbed.
TV-14
 

Sunday, May 8

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Glasses, The
George buys effeminate glasses; dog-bite victim Elaine thinks she has rabies.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Puffy Shirt, The
Jerry appears on ``Today'' wearing a silly shirt; guests Bryant Gumbel, Jerry Stiller.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Bris, The
A religious ceremony makes Jerry and Elaine apprehensive about being godparents.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it''s more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it''s war.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hangover Part III, The
In the aftermath of the death of Alan's father, the wolfpack decide to take Alan to get treated for his mental issues. But things start to go wrong on the way to the hospital as the wolfpack is assaulted and Doug is kidnapped. Now they must find Mr. Chow again in order to surrender him to the gangster who kidnapped Doug in order to save him.
TV-14
2:00 pm
NCAA Beach Volleyball
NCAA Beach Volleyball Championship
Turner Sports presents the Women's 2016 Beach Volleyball National Championship from Gulf Shores, Alabama.
4:00 pm
Movie
Twister
The largest storm to hit Oklahoma in more than half a century is brewing, and it promises to drop multiple twisters into Tornado Alley. It's the storm that two rival groups of scientists--Jo Harding and her band of brash university students, and corporate-sponsored Dr. Jonas Miller and his sleek, crack cadre with their state-of-the-art research vans--have been waiting for to earn their place in meteorological history. Each team wants to be the first to launch their own equipment pack inside a twister to transmit valuable scientific data about tornado behavior. But to do so, they must put themselves directly in the path of the marauding monster--and stay always just ahead of the swirling twister, anticipating its every move. Adding to the charged atmosphere, Jo's soon-to-be-ex-husband, meteorologist Bill Harding, reluctantly joins Jo and his old crew for this last, epic chase.
TV-14
6:15 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Oz: The Great and Powerful
When Oscar Diggs, a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks that fame and fortune are his for the taking, that is until he meets three witches - Theodora, Evanora and Glinda - who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone has been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the enormous problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity - and even a bit of wizardry - Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
In the Season 7 finale, Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotion Interruption, The
In the Season 8 premiere, Amy and Leonard take a surprise road trip to Arizona, while Penny goes on a job interview at Bernadette's company, and Howard has problems wrapping his head around Stuart's relationship with Mrs. Wolowitz.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Junior Professor Solution, The
Sheldon is ordered to teach a class, and the gang is surprised when Howard signs up to take it; and tensions between Penny and Bernadette afford Amy an opportunity to play one against the other.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
First Pitch Insufficiency, The
A nervous Wolowitz is thrown for a loop when NASA asks him to toss out the first pitch at a Los Angeles Angels baseball game. Meanwhile, Sheldon brags that he and Amy are a better couple than Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
The Detour
Pilot, The
Nate, Robin and the kids are headed from Syracuse to Ft. Lauderdale in a janky mini van instead of flying. Between truckers, aggressive drivers and road side breakfast spots, nothing is really what it seems on the road.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Detour
Hotel, The
Having driven their van, 'Blue Thunder', into a ditch, it has to be repaired over-night. The Parkers stay at a nearby motel, Swift Stay Suites. What could possibly go right
TV-MA
12:00 am
The Detour
Tank, The
The Parkers are barely back on the road when Nate gets pulled over for driving under the influence. He's completely sober but somehow there's still some jail time involved.
TV-MA
12:30 am
The Detour
Restaurant, The
Back on the road, the Parkers begrudgingly stop to eat at a nauseatingly culturally insensitive roadside restaurant and dinner theater called Conquistadors.
TV-MA
1:00 am
The Detour
B & B, The
While the kids recover from acute food poisoning, the Parkers decide to get some rest at a southern B&B. They are treated to southern hospitality, southern customs and Russian vodka.
TV-MA
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Hangover Part III, The
In the aftermath of the death of Alan's father, the wolfpack decide to take Alan to get treated for his mental issues. But things start to go wrong on the way to the hospital as the wolfpack is assaulted and Doug is kidnapped. Now they must find Mr. Chow again in order to surrender him to the gangster who kidnapped Doug in order to save him.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Twister
The largest storm to hit Oklahoma in more than half a century is brewing, and it promises to drop multiple twisters into Tornado Alley. It's the storm that two rival groups of scientists--Jo Harding and her band of brash university students, and corporate-sponsored Dr. Jonas Miller and his sleek, crack cadre with their state-of-the-art research vans--have been waiting for to earn their place in meteorological history. Each team wants to be the first to launch their own equipment pack inside a twister to transmit valuable scientific data about tornado behavior. But to do so, they must put themselves directly in the path of the marauding monster--and stay always just ahead of the swirling twister, anticipating its every move. Adding to the charged atmosphere, Jo's soon-to-be-ex-husband, meteorologist Bill Harding, reluctantly joins Jo and his old crew for this last, epic chase.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone, only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
 

Monday, May 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life, but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Bud goes on a dating game for "nerds."
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
While reading a romance novel, Peg fantasizes that she is a lady in distress and Al is the pirate who saves her.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
Al becomes obsessed with his age after a theater cashier gives him a senior citizen's discount.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
Al becomes a local hero when he stands up to a burglar.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Big Dougie
Doug becomes a Big Brother and attempts a 10k run.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Soft Touch
Doug is lured into a pyramid scheme that requires him to sell water filters.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Restaurant Row
Carrie forbids Doug from eating at his favorite Italian restaurant.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Whine Country
A coin toss decides the destination for Doug and Carrie's vacation; Arthur and Spence join Doug and Carrie on vacation.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Seinfeld
Lip Reader, The
George enlists a lip-reader (Marlee Matlin) to learn why his girlfriend dumped him.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Seinfeld
Barber, The
Jerry doesn't have the nerve to dump his regular barber.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
New Girl
Kryptonite
Nick and Schmidt convince Jess to get her stuff out of her ex-boyfriend Spencer's apartment; Jess meets new roommate Winston, who has returned from playing basketball in Latvia; and Winston tries to get his old room back from Schmidt.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Wedding
The guys are invited to a wedding of a mutual friend. Nick, fearful he will run into his ex-girlfriend Caroline, asks Jess to be his date. Meanwhile, Winston takes his role as an usher very seriously, and gets competitive on the dance floor with a young guest. Schmidt not only catches the eye of a beautiful woman, but also his "frenemy" Gretchen, whom he sleeps with at every wedding reception.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Seinfeld
Non-Fat Yogurt, The
Jerry and Elaine suspect Kramer's yogurt shop is causing their weight gain.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
5:30 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
6:00 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
6:30 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream
When Peter decides to be a famous actor, he becomes Tom Tucker's agent as his first step toward stardom. Meanwhile, Chris dates a girl who looks disturbingly like a member of the Griffin household.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Be Careful What You Fish For
When Peter and the guys try to salvage a sunken Mercedes-Benz, Peter half-heartedly promises a favor to a helpful dolphin (guest voice Ricky Gervais). Soon the dolphin moves to Quahog, outstays his welcome at Peter's and moves into Cleveland's house across the street. Peter tries to reunite the dolphin with his ex-wife in hopes that he'll return to the ocean, but his plan backfires and the whole dolphin family moves into Cleveland's.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Burning Down the Bayit
Overwhelmed with financial troubles, Mort asks Peter and Quagmire to help him save his pharmacy. However, things take a turn for the worse when the trio decides to burn it down to collect insurance money.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad
Daesong Heavy Industries
Stan loses his faith in religion after Steve questions everything in the Bible. He takes the family to Korea to investigate the rumors of a reinvented "Noah's Ark."
TV-14
9:00 pm
The Detour
Wedding, The
Instead of getting back on the road, Robin agrees to marry the southern gentleman Dr. Rob and his Russian bride but soon realizes that something is very, very, very, very wrong.
TV-MA
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Killer Queen
When Peter and Chris go away to fat camp, they cross paths with a serial killer who targets overweight kids. Meanwhile, Stewie is traumatized by the frightening cover of a Queen album.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Crisis Pregnancy Centers
Full Frontal explores the ultimate con: Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Crisis Pregnancy Centers
Full Frontal explores the ultimate con: Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6883
Guests: Zooey Deschanel, America's Greatest Makers Finalist - Team NWTN, Kevin Gates.
TV-14
12:00 am
The Detour
Wedding, The
Instead of getting back on the road, Robin agrees to marry the southern gentleman Dr. Rob and his Russian bride but soon realizes that something is very, very, very, very wrong.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6883
Guests: Zooey Deschanel, America's Greatest Makers Finalist - Team NWTN, Kevin Gates.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Hard on Me
Andy organizes a Gulf Haven 5k in an effort to save his reputation as Mayor after an embarrassing article comes out in the local paper. Jules uses the race to help her dad, Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins), get out of the house and relive his coaching days.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Learning to Fly
Laurie teaches Jules the rules of karma after Jules lies to customers at the annual cul-de-sac yard sale. Andy uses some of his new yard sale purchases to test Ellie after they make a bet that she can't refrain from being snarky for one day. Meanwhile, Bobby must overcome his fear of rollercoasters to fulfill his grandfather's dying wish.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Premium Rush
Dodging speeding cars, crazed cabbies and eight million cranky pedestrians is all in a day's work for Wilee, the best of New York's agile and aggressive bicycle messengers. It takes a special breed to ride the fixie - super lightweight, single-gear bikes with no brakes - and riders who are equal part skilled cyclists and nutcases who risk becoming a smear on the pavement every time they head into traffic. But a guy who's used to putting his life on the line is about to get more than even he is used to when his last envelope of the day - a routine "premium rush" run - turns into a life or death chase through the streets of Manhattan.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2209
Some of the funniest home videos!
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
Kelly gets an unpleasant surprise when the family takes her to a movie on her birthday.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, May 10

6:00 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
When Peg complains about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor, he becomes the laughingstock of the town.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Peg spends all of Al's early retirement money and forces him to go back to work.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
When Al's Dodge is stolen, he learns it is only worth $100, and he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things missing from his trunk.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
When Jimmy, the Bundy's relative, learns that his new bride slept with someone the day of their wedding, his temper explodes and a guilty Bud runs for cover.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, makes a truly indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night of passion with Al.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket?, A
Al and Peggy go to a basketball game, and they switch seats. Soon, Peg is called up for a free throw, which Al feels should have been his since it was his seat in the first place. It's up to Peggy to make the free throw and win the $10,000.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Flower Power
Carrie thinks Doug has lost his romantic side; Arthur is called for jury duty.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fatty McButterpants
Doug has a hard time coming to grips with his need to lose weight.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Roast Chicken
Doug turns to Carrie and Arthur for help when he is roped into roasting the head of his company.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Do Rico
Doug learns how to excite Carrie in the bedroom; Arthur wants his life chronicled.
TV-14
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
BFFs
Cleveland takes his friends on a canoeing trip, where the guys encounter a group of deviant hillbillies; Donna enters Rollo in a quiz tournament to prove he's as smart as the other kids.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lois Kills Stewie
Lois and Peter sail off on a cruise. Jealous that he was left behind, Stewie's matricidal tendencies are rekindled.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Padre de Familia
Peter discovers that he is not an American citizen, but actually a Mexican immigrant.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Naked
Jess accidentally walks in on Nick naked, sending his self-confidence to an all-time low just after an attractive co-worker agrees to go out on a date with him. Meanwhile, Winston becomes obsessed with learning pop-culture references on Wikipedia.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Cece Crashes
Cece convinces Jess that Nick likes her more than just as a roommate, and Schmidt tries to seal the deal with Cece.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hook-Up Reverberation, The
Raj's girlfriend, Emily, gives Penny the cold shoulder after he reveals some info about their past history; and the guys contemplate buying into Stuart's comic-book emporium.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Focus Attenuation, The
Amy and Bernadette accuse former party girl Penny of becoming a party pooper when she lets an email from work impact their girls' weekend in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, the guys brainstorm about inventing something cool.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Expedition Approximation, The
Sheldon and Raj undertake an underground research expedition that turns into a test of how long before they get under each other's skin. Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny argue about money.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
America's Greatest Makers
Make or Break Round 4
Guest judge Shaquille O'Neal joins the panel as the remaining makers compete in the Make or Break rounds for $100,000 and a spot in the million dollar finale.
10:00 pm
Separation Anxiety (DVS)
Ashley & Maggie
Ashley and Maggie are living proof that opposites do attract. Maggie is very adventurous and impulsive, while Ashley is far more reserved. After studying and working hard to make their dreams come true, can this same sex couple win enough to pay off their debts and have a rich future together
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6884
Guests: Mindy Kaling, Seismologist Dr. Lucy Jones, Charles Bradley.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Egg Special
Max and Caroline cook up a surprising fundraising solution when a potential storefront for Max's Homemade Cupcakes becomes available for rent.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6884
Guests: Mindy Kaling, Seismologist Dr. Lucy Jones, Charles Bradley.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Time to Move On
With Travis graduating college in a few months, Jules starts to worry about his job prospects with an art degree. Laurie and Ellie pose as a lesbian couple in a desperate effort to get Stan into a fancy new school. Meanwhile, Andy insists on making a cat video with the guys for Bro-day.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mystery of Love
After Travis and Laurie have Jules and Grayson over for a sophisticated brunch, Jules attempts to prove that she and Grayson are the better couple. Andy plans a beach day for Stan so he will be considered a fun dad. Meanwhile, Tom helps Ellie finish a teen novel she started writing years ago.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Unknown
Dr. Martin Harris awakens after a car accident in Berlin to discover that his wife suddenly doesn't recognize him and another man has assumed his identity. Ignored by disbelieving authorities and hunted by mysterious assassins, he finds himself alone, tired and on the run. Aided by an unlikely ally, Martin plunges headlong into a deadly mystery that will force him to question his sanity, his identity, and just how far he's willing to go to uncover the truth.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2210
TV-G
 

Wednesday, May 11

6:00 am
Married With Children
Hood 'n the Boyz
Al meets his girlfriend from when he was young, and a gang seems to be bothering her. Al feels he should help her with the problem.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Proud to Be Your Bud?
Bud's latest attempts to impress women fail miserably, causing him such embarrassment that he confines himself to the basement. But when his "cool" alter ego appears, Bud learns the secrets of gaining adoration.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Luck of the Bundys
Peg checks Al's horoscope and insists he's due for a stroke of good luck. But when good things actually start happening, Al gets a shrinking feeling that his luck won't last.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Banking on Marcy
When Marcy's superiors at the bank ask her to deliver bad news at a shareholder's meeting, she calls a radio therapist who suggests she focus on sex to overcome her fear of speaking in public -- advice that leads to disastrous results.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
No Chicken, No Check
Al quits lending his car to Kelly and Bud, who take matters into their own hands and purchase one to share. But when both make plans for the drive-in, they are forced to double date, with each trying to get the other out of the car.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Take My Wife, Please
On Halloween, Al is left to face Death as Peggy and the kids are recruited to fill in for the Village People.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Strike One
Doug buys a new car against Carrie's wishes and regrets it almost immediately.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Too
With nothing to do during the IPS strike, Doug tries substitute teaching at the school at which his sister, Stephanie (Ricki Lake), works.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Out
The IPS strike continues and Carrie arranges a play date for Doug.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Class Struggle
After Carrie decides to go back to college, Doug turns to his sister (Ricki Lake) for advice.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hurricane, The
Cleveland and his family become trapped in the house without food when a hurricane ravages Stoolbend; Cleveland Jr. announces that he does not believe in God.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Nightmare on Grace Street, A
On Halloween...Donna forces Cleveland and Rallo to spend a night in a spooky abandoned house; Roberta attempts to choose between a boy she thinks is a vampire and a boy she thinks is a werewolf.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join a women's organization, only to discover that she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter's Daughter
Meg is admitted to the Hospital due to a severe accident, and Peter vowes to treat her better than he ever has before.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
McStroke
After growing a moustache and then losing it in a fire at McBurgertown, Peter is given a years worth of hamburgers for free. He eats thirty burgers and in turn, he has a stroke, paralyzing the left half of his body. Meanwhile, Stewie makes a bet with Brian that he can become the most popular kid at Meg's school in a week. Using a few catchphrases to the popular kids, he's in.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Thanksgiving
Jess invites Paul, a music teacher at her school she's always had a crush on, to the gang's big Thanksgiving dinner at the loft, which naturally goes horribly awry.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Bells
Jess gets jealous when Winston joins her troubled-youth hand-bell quartet and instantly becomes a natural. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt engage in class warfare when the toilet breaks, and they each have their own idea of how to get it fixed.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stand-In, The
Kramer is a stand-in on a soap opera; George wants to break up with a girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Misinterpretation Agitation
Amy and Bernadette organize a prom to be held atop the guys' apartment complex, but Sheldon is leery of all the prom pomp, circumstance and romancing that goes with it.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prom Equivalency, The
Penny's flirtatious sales pitch leaves a doctor-client smitten and the guys must pitch in to help her deal with him, while, Bernadette and Amy debate whether female scientists ought to play the sexuality card.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Septum Deviation, The
Leonard needs surgery for a deviated septum, and Sheldon gets his nose out of joint because he feels an operation is too dangerous and that his roommate may not make it out alive.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Champagne Reflection, The
It's a banner day for Sheldon as he bids a sad farewell to his "Fun With Flags" podcast. Meanwhile, Leonard, Howard and Raj probe a late professor's research in search of some hidden significance.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Clean Room Infiltration, The
On Christmas Eve, Amy plans a traditional Victorian dinner, while Raj, Leonard and Howard scramble to remove a pigeon that flew into the clean room at the university.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Space Probe Disintegration, The
While Raj eagerly awaits data from a space probe in which he was involved, Howard keeps distracting him. Later, dress shopping with Penny and Amy doesn't exactly prove to be a good fit for Leonard and Sheldon.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6885
Guests: Jodie Foster, Gad Elmaleh, Mike Posner.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the New Boss
When Max and Caroline hire an intern, Ruth, to help take care of some of the dirty work in preparation of opening their new cupcake shop, Max has trouble with her new managerial role.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6885
Guests: Jodie Foster, Gad Elmaleh, Mike Posner.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Too Much Ain't Enough
After Jules receives a large commission check, she enlists Andy to be her business partner in a get-rich-quick scheme. Meanwhile, Grayson tries to seem cool to Travis's new hipster friends, and Bobby struggles to feel comfortable with his new bag.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Too Good to be True
Travis starts an open mic night at Coffee Bucks, but things go awry when Andy tries to do stand-up comedy. Tom's daughter, Haylee (guest star Julianna Guill), comes to visit, and Grayson and Jules decide to play along when they discover that Tom's been lying to Haylee in order to make himself sound cool.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Lincoln Lawyer, The
Michael "Mick" Haller, is a slick, charismatic Los Angeles criminal defense attorney who operates out of the back of his Lincoln Continental sedan. Having spent most of his career defending petty, gutter-variety criminals, Mick unexpectedly lands the case of a lifetime: defending a rich Beverly Hills playboy who is accused of attempted murder. However, what initially appears to be a straightforward case with a big money pay-off swiftly develops into a deadly match between two masters of manipulation and a crisis of conscience for Haller.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2211
This week's episode includes animals on the attack
TV-G
 

Thursday, May 12

6:00 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
Al tries to counsel a new employee against marriage.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
NO MA'AM
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dark Meet
Doug and Carrie have flashbacks of their first Thanksgiving together.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Work Related
Arthur accepts a job at Carrie's company; Doug and Deacon compete for a place in their company's calendar of hunks.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Twisted Sitters
Doug and Carrie are caught in embarrassing circumstances while looking after Deacon and Kelly's children.
TV-14
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Better Camera
Doug surprises Carrie with a new camera for Christmas.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Skip Day
Cleveland is stunned to discover that Junior is stronger than he is; Lester vows revenge after Kendra is injured in a hit-and-run accident.unaware that Rallo is to blame.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Yemen Party
After dressing as a Muslim woman to infiltrate Donna's women's support group, Cleveland gets a taste of his own medicine when he travels to Yemen to perform housework for a sheik; Rallo uses Junior as an avatar to confront a playground bully.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself, while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
It's Good to Be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who was the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Back to the Woods
James Woods returns to seek revenge against Peter. James Woods finds Peter's wallet, which he lost at Barry Manilow's concert, and proceeds to steal Peter's identity, and his family. Peter decides to ruin James' career and image.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Play It Again, Brian
Peter and Lois' marriage hits a bit of a snag. When Brian wins the New England Rising Writer's award, the three of them head to Martha's Vineyard for a nice relaxing vacation. Peter's usual drinking habits take over and he soon spirals out of control, as does Brian's self restraint, as he soon professes his love for Lois. Peter and Brian test their friendship over the woman of their dreams.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Bad in Bed
When Jess decides to take her relationship with Paul to the next level, she consults with the guys for some sex advice. Meanwhile, Schmidt worms his way into his boss' baby shower to compete with his female office-counterpart.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
(Christmas) 23rd, The
The gang attends Schmidt's holiday office party, and Jess frets when she receives an expensive gift from Paul.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Underdog Gets Away, The
Monica intends to host a cozy Thanksgiving feast in her apartment with her friends, but her plans go awry, and the feast becomes a fiasco.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats (Part 1), The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats (Part 2), The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Forget Me Not
After a car accident, Peter, Brian, Joe, and Quagmire wake up in a hospital with no memory and discover that they're the last people left on Earth.
TV-14
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Opening
Max and Caroline host a grand opening celebration at their new cupcake shop. To show off her success, Max invites her former flame Johnny and her ex-boyfriend Robbie.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Silent Partner
Sophie is depressed after being swindled by the contractor in charge of building her dream house, so Max offers to make her a silent partner in the cupcake business -- but Caroline and Sophie have very different visions for the company.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anxiety Optimization, The
Sheldon becomes concerned that his cushy lifestyle is impacting his professional progress and keeping him from achieving scientific renown, so he asks the gang to make life more difficult for him.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Troll Manifestation, The
An online troll rips Leonard and Sheldon's published physics paper, so the guys rally to defend the two and expose the bully, while a girls night out leads to Penny, Amy and Bernadette dishing about embarrassing past events.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Holidays
Desperate for a way to pay their overdue rent, Max and Caroline get involved with a group of sketchy customers willing to pay top dollar for their cupcakes.
TV-14
10:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Bear Truth
A relaxing getaway for two becomes an awkward vacation for three when Max, Caroline, and Andy spend a weekend together in a cabin in the woods.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6886
Guests: Ewan McGregor, Tracee Ellis Ross, Matt Donaher.
TV-14
12:00 am
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Crisis Pregnancy Centers
Full Frontal explores the ultimate con: Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6886
Guests: Ewan McGregor, Tracee Ellis Ross, Matt Donaher.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Refugee
When Bobby's boat goes missing, Jules and Bobby step into their old crime fighting personas, "Blacktop" and "Gumshoe", in order to solve the mystery. Meanwhile, Grayson helps Andy win over his new supervisor by teaching him "the neg," and Laurie and Travis attempt to decorate her apartment together.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Love Is a Long Road
As Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins) deals with the fallout from his first Alzheimers symptoms, Jules convinces him to look at houses nearby. Without meaning to, Grayson introduces the idea of Chick moving in with them, a suggestion he quickly regrets. All the while, the Cul de Sac Crew excitedly prepares for Travis's college graduation which kicks off, among other things, a rivalry between Ellie and Laurie for who is #1 on Jules' most-important-friend list.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Resident Evil: Retribution
The Umbrella Corporation's deadly T-virus continues to ravage Earth, transforming the global population into legions of increasingly lethal undead. The human race's last and only hope, Alice, awakens in the heart of Umbrella's impenetrable operations facility. Attempting a death-defying escape from the vast, high-tech complex, with the help of a crew of elite commandos, Alice battles her way through the city-scapes of Tokyo, New York, Moscow and Washington, D.C. Along the way, she encounters a series of mind-blowing revelations that will force her to rethink everything she once believed. Aided by new-found allies and familiar friends, Alice finds a new reason to fight for the survival of a hostile world on the brink of oblivion. The countdown has begun.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2212
A boy hides his toys in his pajamas; mishaps caught on camera; angry deer
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
TV-PG
 

Friday, May 13

6:00 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
The Bundy's and the D'Arcys go to war over a property line dispute.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
When Al's old Dodge approaches the one million mark, the manufacturer offers to highlight it in a commercial--in exchange for a brand new sports car.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
When Bud discovers a long-lost Valentine's card a girlfriend had sent him a year ago, he goes on a mission to find his "lost love."
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
Al fights to keep an auto factory from replacing his high school football field.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
Jefferson reveals his past life as a spy.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
When Al's sarcasm costs him his prized parking space, he turns to a manly hero for advice.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wedding Presence
Doug and Carrie try to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Papa Pill
Doug learns that taking care of Arthur is not an easy task.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Paint Misbehavin'
The gang plays paintball to celebrate Deacon's birthday.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Sex and the Biddy
Rallo discovers that Murray's girlfriend is trying to scam Murray out of his savings; Cleveland wears a man-girdle to make it seem as if he's lost weight.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Die Semi-Hard
As Christmas approaches, Cleveland tells the family his version of the original "Die Hard."
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
American Dad After School Special, The
Steve starts dating an overweight girl. Stan's insecurity about his own body image leads him to anorexia.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Failure Is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Former Life of Brian, The
Brian, afraid that he may have lost his last chance at love, searches for a former flame, Tracy. To his surprise, he discovers that he is the father to her son, Dylan. Tracy decides that Brian should raise the boy, and she drops him off at the Griffin's house. When Dylan runs rough-shot in the house, Brian's attitude towards parenting doesn't settle too well with Lois and Peter.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Story of the 50, The
When Schmidt's plans for his 29th birthday fall apart, Jess takes charge and enlists the help of her school's party hungry vice-principal. Meanwhile, Nick begrudgingly brings his new girlfriend to Schmidt's party, and the gang wonders who placed a 50 dollar bill in the douche-bag jar.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Jess & Julia
Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess enlists Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket, Winston reconnects with a former booty call, and Schmidt is baffled as to why his shower towel is always damp.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 1), The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 2), The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chaperone, The
Kramer chaperons Jerry's date with a beauty contestant; guest Ian Abercrombie.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Big Salad, The
Kramer helps an athlete wanted for a brutal crime flee police; guest Michelle Forbes.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Comic Book Store Regeneration, The
Amid the excitement of Stuart reopening his comic-book store, Howard gets some unsettling news; and after teaching Sheldon how to "let it go," Penny doesn't practice what she preaches when she learns something maddening about Amy.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Intimacy Acceleration, The
An experiment designed to make participants fall in love piques Penny and Leonard's interest, so they decide to put it to the test. Meanwhile, Leonard, Amy, Raj and Emily have an encounter with a "zombie".
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Colonization Application, The
There's trouble in paradise when Amy discovers Sheldon signed up for a one-way mission to colonize Mars, and the two get into a dogfight at a pet store. Meanwhile, Leonard makes a very "adult" purchase for Penny.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Leftover Thermalization, The
An electrical short thaws the last meal that was cooked by Mrs. Wolowitz, and the gang ponders what to do with it, while Sheldon and Leonard's work is featured in a magazine, but only one receives credit.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skywalker Incursion, The
A speaking engagement at UC Berkeley puts Leonard and Sheldon in a galaxy not too far, far away from their idol George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch, and they considrer dropping by.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fortification Implementation, The
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Separation Anxiety (DVS)
Ashley & Maggie
Ashley and Maggie are living proof that opposites do attract. Maggie is very adventurous and impulsive, while Ashley is far more reserved. After studying and working hard to make their dreams come true, can this same sex couple win enough to pay off their debts and have a rich future together
TV-MA
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
We Stand a Chance
After winning Cul de Sac Crew Trivia, Tom gets to pick the location of the next group vacation. The gang is less than thrilled, however, when Tom opts for a stay-cation. Meanwhile, Jules fakes being healthy at her annual physical exam and gets some shocking results. And Bobby accidentally signs Grayson and himself up for a breakdancing competition.
TV-14
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Pilot
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Liar, Liar
A pathologically lying lawyer desperately tries to grant his son's wish that he tell the truth for a 24-hour period.
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie
Austin Powers in Goldmember
It's been three years since Austin Powers, that swinging international man of mystery, has faced his arch-nemesis, Dr. Evil. But after Dr. Evil and his accomplice Mini Me escape from a maximum-security prison, Austin is called to action once more in this third installment of the highly successful "Austin Powers" movie franchise. Teaming up with the mysterious Goldmember, Dr. Evil hatches a time-traveling scheme to take over the world, one that involves the kidnapping of Nigel Powers, Austin's beloved father and England's most renowned spy. As he chases the villains through time, Austin visits 1975 and joins forces with his old flame, Foxxy Cleopatra, a streetwise and stylish detective. Together Austin and Foxxy must find a way to save Nigel and stop Dr. Evil and Goldmember from their mischievous mayhem.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
To win a contest, Peggy must persuade Al to come home from work to engage in some afternoon hanky-panky.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
After their television breaks down and Al finds a way to win a large sum of money to buy a replacement, he auditions to be a contestant on a new sports trivia game show. However, after he is turned down because he lacks personality, he enlists Kelly to take his place.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, May 14

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Chinese Woman, The
George's crossed phone lines acquaint the gang with a woman who isn't what she seems.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Couch, The
Elaine dates the guy who delivered Jerry's new couch.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Kindergarten Cop
An undercover policeman poses as a pre-school teacher to protect a child from his at-large parolled father.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie
Liar, Liar
A pathologically lying lawyer desperately tries to grant his son's wish that he tell the truth for a 24-hour period.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Movie
Austin Powers in Goldmember
It's been three years since Austin Powers, that swinging international man of mystery, has faced his arch-nemesis, Dr. Evil. But after Dr. Evil and his accomplice Mini Me escape from a maximum-security prison, Austin is called to action once more in this third installment of the highly successful "Austin Powers" movie franchise. Teaming up with the mysterious Goldmember, Dr. Evil hatches a time-traveling scheme to take over the world, one that involves the kidnapping of Nigel Powers, Austin's beloved father and England's most renowned spy. As he chases the villains through time, Austin visits 1975 and joins forces with his old flame, Foxxy Cleopatra, a streetwise and stylish detective. Together Austin and Foxxy must find a way to save Nigel and stop Dr. Evil and Goldmember from their mischievous mayhem.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fianci.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fianci. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Too Little Sleep
Max and Caroline enlist the gang from the diner to help them bake throughout the night in order to fulfill a giant cupcake order.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Psychic Shakedown
After discovering that Candy Andy closed up his shop following their breakup, Caroline visits a psychic for a reading about her future love life.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Just Plane Magic
When Max scores tickets to a music awards show in Los Angeles, she and Caroline end up flying on a private jet with Grammy-nominated rapper 2 Chainz.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Broken Hip
Max and Caroline pay a high price for attempting to remove a street performer away from the entry to their cupcake shop.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Communication Deterioration, The
In the event of Alien contact, NASA asks Raj to craft a message for the extraterrestrials, and the guys battle over how it should be handled. Meanwhile, Penny must decide between auditioning for a film role or keeping her job in pharmaceutical sales.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Graduation Transmission, The
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Combustion, The
Leonard and Sheldon's mothers come to town to celebrate their sons getting an award, but the opinionated women engage in an altercation over religion.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Commitment Determination, The
In the Season 8 finale, Leonard and Penny are pressured to set a wedding date by Sheldon, whose relationship with Amy has taken an interesting turn.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Crisis Pregnancy Centers
Full Frontal explores the ultimate con: Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Detour
Wedding, The
Instead of getting back on the road, Robin agrees to marry the southern gentleman Dr. Rob and his Russian bride but soon realizes that something is very, very, very, very wrong.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Pacifier, The
Assigned to protect the endangered children of an assassinated scientist working on a secret invention, Shane Wolfe is suddenly faced with juggling two incompatible jobs: fighting evil while keeping house. As he adds to his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons the new tools of juice boxes and a minivan, Shane not only must defeat a world-threatening enemy but also wrangle teen rebel Zoe, uplift sullen 14-year-old Seth and outwit 8-year-old Ninja-wannabe Lulu, simultaneously keeping toddler Peter and baby Tyler out of mischief, not to mention harm's way. While drop zones, demolitions and destroying enemy targets come naturally to Shane, he has no idea what tough really is until he pits his courage against diapering, den-mothering and driver's education. He's truly a S.E.A.L. out of water, but this tough-guy loner soon realizes that he's also facing the most important mission of his life: becoming part of a family and bringing them all closer together.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Kindergarten Cop
An undercover policeman poses as a pre-school teacher to protect a child from his at-large parolled father.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2213
A toddler reacts to a phone ringing
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
Household chores threaten Al's chance to see a favorite old movie.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, May 15

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Dark Knight Rises, The
It has been eight years since Batman vanished into the night, turning, in that instant, from hero to fugitive. Assuming the blame for the death of D.A. Harvey Dent, the Dark Knight sacrificed everything for what he and Commissioner Gordon both hoped was the greater good. For a time the lie worked, as criminal activity in Gotham City was crushed under the weight of the anti-crime Dent Act. But everything will change with the arrival of a cunning cat burglar with a mysterious agenda. Far more dangerous, however, is the emergence of Bane, a masked terrorist whose ruthless plans for Gotham drive Bruce out of his self-imposed exile. But even if he dons the cape and cowl again, Batman may be no match for Bane.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The
Bilbo Baggins is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from the fearsome Dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the Wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of 13 Dwarves led by the legendary warrior Thorin Oakenshield. Their journey will take them into the Wild, through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins, Orcs and deadly Wargs, as well as a mysterious and sinister figure known only as the Necromancer. Although their goal lies to the East and the wastelands of the Lonely Mountain, first they must escape the Goblin tunnels, where Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life forever - Gollum. Here, alone with Gollum, on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming Bilbo Baggins not only discovers depths of ingenuity and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of Gollum's "precious" ring that holds unexpected and useful qualities - a simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Middle-earth in ways Bilbo cannot begin to know.
TV-PG
5:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon - the Greek god of the sea - once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Middle Earth Paradigm, The
Penny hosts a Halloween party, putting Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali through a new test of their social skills.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dumpling Paradox, The
With Wolowitz AWOL with one of her friends, Penny's recruited to fill in for him on the guys' Halo team.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Grasshopper Experiment, The
Raj's parents set him up on a blind date, and when he discovers he can talk to her, she shows interest in Sheldon.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization, The
When they're invited to present at a physics conference, Sheldon's reluctance to share the credit leads to a tiff between him and Leonard, and Penny's intervention only exacerbates the situation.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Loobenfeld Decay, The
Leonard and Sheldon each lie to avoid hearing Penny sing in a production of Rent. However, Sheldon's lie becomes a bit too complicated for its own good.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie
I Am Number Four
Three are dead. He is Number Four. An extraordinary young man, John Smith, is a fugitive on the run from ruthless enemies sent to destroy him. Changing his identity, moving from town to town with his guardian Henri, John is always the new kid with no ties to his past. In the small Ohio town he now calls home, John encounters unexpected, life-changing events-his first love, powerful new abilities and a connection to the others who share his incredible destiny.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon - the Greek god of the sea - once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
3:45 am
Movie
Journey to the Center of the Earth
No one believes that Trevor Anderson is on to something. The science professor''s unconventional hypotheses have put him on the fringe of the academic community. But during an expedition in Iceland, Trevor and his teenage nephew, Sean, accompanied by their beautiful local guide, Hannah, make a breakthrough discovery that launches them on a thrilling adventure into the unknown. As their journey takes them deep beneath the Earth''s surface, they travel through never-before-seen worlds that bring them face-to-face with surreal and unimaginable creatures, stretching the bounds of the visionary scientist''s own imagination.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
Al becomes an environmental hero and celebrity.
TV-PG
 

Monday, May 16

6:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
A football star's romance with Kelly jeopardizes Jefferson's lifesaving wager on a big game.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
Al and Jefferson become vintage shoe entrepreneurs.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
Al must brave the department of motor vehicles to renew his driver's license, but discovers that his fate lies in Bud's hands.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
An untimely pimple threatens Kelly's acting career.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
Bud is distracted by Marcy's sexy niece.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
Al refuses to allow breast feeding in the shoe store.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hi-Def Jam
Doug wants to watch the Super Bowl on a high-definition television.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Deacon Blues
Doug is surprised to find his married friend Deacon out with another woman.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Horizontal Hold
Carrie begins to question her relationship with Doug.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Package Deal
Doug quits his job to work for a competitor; Carrie acquires a self-tanning cream addiction.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Y Tu Junior Tambien
Junior marries a beautiful Mexican woman to prevent her deportation from the United States.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
There Goes El Neighborhood
Cleveland and Choni attempt to learn about each other's culture; Cleveland Jr. sets Cecilia up on a date with Tyler.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Five Steaks And an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby On the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
3:00 pm
New Girl
Landlord, The
Jess goes against Nick's wishes and makes it her mission to get the loft's cantankerous landlord to like her. In doing so, she inadvertently jeopardizes their living situation and the guys are forced to admit they've made some unofficial changes to the apartment. Meanwhile, Schmidt tries to decipher what he thinks are mixed signals from his boss, Kim.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Valentine's Day
Single for the first time on Valentine's Day, Jess convinces Schmidt to be her wingman as she attempts to have an attachment-free fling with a handsome stranger. Nick's romantic plans are foiled when he finds himself spending more time with Julia's law firm assistant than with her. Winston becomes one of the girls when Shelby invites him over on the holiday.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Seinfeld
Beard, The
Elaine tries to change a gay man; George and his date have similar problems.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
American Dad
Lincoln Lover
Greg introduces Stan to the Langley Falls Log Cabin Republicans. Only after Stan is taken with their fabulous ways does he realize that it's a gay group. To gain further acceptance into this wonderful group, Stan decides to become gay. Meanwhile, Terry is furious to discover Greg is a Republican.
TV-14
5:30 pm
American Dad
Dungeons and Wagons
Stan gets mixed up in street racing to put some excitement back in his marriage. After Hayley breaks up with Jeff Fischer, Jeff becomes video game pals with Steve. In an attempt to get Jeff back, Hayley kills Steve's beloved video game character.
TV-14
6:00 pm
American Dad
Iced, Iced Babies
With Steve busy with his girlfriend, Francine decides she wants another baby. Stan, however, does not, so he secretly gets a vasectomy. But Francine discovers he still has sperm left in a CIA sperm bank. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a professor at Hayley's community college and earns the adoration of a psycho student.
TV-14
6:30 pm
American Dad
Of Ice and Men
Stan's competitive streak is unleashed when he and Francine start ice dancing together. Stan dumps Francine to compete with Roger. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends get a mail order Russian bride.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
You Can't Do That on Television, Peter
After Peter's favorite children's television show gets cancelled, he takes matters into his own hands by creating and starring in his own show for kids. Meanwhile, Meg begins an internship at the hospital with Dr. Hartman.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mr. and Mrs. Stewie
Stewie meets a little girl who might be his soulmate; Lois buys twin beds after Peter repeatedly crushes her in his sleep.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Leggo my Meg-O
Stewie and Brian attempt to track down Meg after she's abducted in Paris by sex slave operatives.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad
Daesong Heavy Industries II: Return to Innocence
Everyone is separated after the ship explodes: Stan and Francine lose their memories and resort to primitive living on an island, Hayley and Jeff are rescued by the Navy and Jeff decides to enlist, and Roger and Steve try to survive on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean.
TV-14
9:00 pm
The Detour
Road, The
Blue Thunder is stuck in traffic. Nate and Robin take a stroll down memory lane about how they met and the kids learn an important lesson in 'too much information'. Seriously. Too much. Stop telling us all this.
TV-MA
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tea Peter
Peter joins the Tea Party but doesn't discover until it's too late that Carter Pewterschmidt is using the party to get rid of government for his own selfish motives.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Guy Viewer Mail #2
Three skits: the British program that Family Guy is based on, everybody Peter touches turns into Robin Williams, and a look at the day through Stewie's eyes.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1012
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6842
Guests: Jane Lynch, Alden Ehrenreich, Andrew Bird
TV-14
12:00 am
The Detour
Road, The
Blue Thunder is stuck in traffic. Nate and Robin take a stroll down memory lane about how they met and the kids learn an important lesson in 'too much information'. Seriously. Too much. Stop telling us all this.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6842
Guests: Jane Lynch, Alden Ehrenreich, Andrew Bird
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Into the Great Wide Open
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Do Me Like That
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Cop Out
Two longtime NYPD partners on the trail of a stolen, rare, mint-condition baseball card find themselves up against a merciless, memorabilia-obsessed gangster. But before they can recover the prized `52 Pafko, they must first rescue a Mexican beauty who holds the key to millions of dollars in off-shore bank accounts-and who has already witnessed one high-profile murder because of them. Veteran detective Jimmy Monr needs to cash in on his perfect Pafko in order to pay for his daughter''s upcoming wedding, but in the tradition of everything that can go wrong--it''s pilfered before he has a chance to collect. Paul Hodges is Jimmy''s partner-against-crime, whose preoccupation with his wife''s alleged infidelity makes it hard for him to keep his eye on the ball, or his mind on the crime. Already in trouble and with nothing left to lose, Jimmy and Paul will have to break all the rules-including enlisting the aid of stoner thief Dave, who''s working Paul''s last nerve as Paul and Jimmy try to work the case.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2214
A girl makes funny comments while disoriented from surgery
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks (2)
Al's battle against breast feeding lands him in trouble with the store's owner.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, May 17

6:00 am
Married With Children
Dial "B" for Virgin
Bud is tapped to run a phone hot line for virgins.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
Al must sleep with Marcy so that Jefferson can cash in her valuable Barbie doll.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
The Bundys and D'Arcys discover a new TV show modeled after their lives.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
Al reunites his old high school football team to play the championship game that never was.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
Al and his friends decide to remedy the professional baseball strike themselves.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
Al and his friends are forced to take their wives to a strip club.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Separation Anxiety
Doug and Carrie have different opinions about Deacon and Kelly's separation and share them with each other.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Inner Tube
After lying to Carrie, Doug dreams he appears on a variety of television shows.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Departure Time
Doug's parents ask him to sign their living will.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Swim Neighbors
Doug and Carrie's neighbor (Bryan Cranston) builds an above-ground pool that looks directly into their property.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Dancing with the Stools
Donna chooses Junior to be her partner in an upcoming ballroom dance competition; Roberta volunteers to babysit Rallo so she can spend more time with Federline.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brown Magic
Cleveland and Rallo's "ventriloquist" act is a big hit - until Rallo tires of Cleveland taking all the credit for its success.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Irregarding Steve
When Steve realizes he's smarter than Stan, he throws it in Stan's face and moves with Roger to New York City to become writers. There, they quickly realize they're short on street smarts when they fall in with the pretentious hairdresser, Mr. Beauregard. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of the lives of the squirrels living in the Smith's backyard.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Best Christmas Story Never Told, The
Stan goes to the past to keep Jane Fonda from ruining Christmas, but he winds up creating an alternate future where the United States has been taken over by the Soviet Union.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Bush Comes to Dinner
President Bush comes to dinner when Stan wins an essay-writing contest. Hayley is determined to bring down the presidency after Roger accidentally gets Bush drunk. Meanwhile, Roger thinks he's found Osama bin Laden.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
American Dream Factory
Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, so he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as cheap labor.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Long John Peter
When Peter gets a pet parrot, he begins acting like a pirate. Peter accidentally kills the bird after raising hell through all of Quahog. Meanwhile, when Brian is visiting the vet, Chris falls in love with the intern, Anna.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Blactually
When Stewie convinces Brian to go slow with his new girlfriend Carolyn, Cleveland moves in and steals her away; to get her back, Brian does his best to get Cleveland back together with his ex-wife.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Bully
When Jess tries to intervene with a classroom bully she finds herself the target of the bad seed student. Schmidt, meanwhile, is thrilled over his post-Valentine's sex-capades, but hates that his paramour wants to keep it a secret. Meanwhile, Nick goes into a tailspin when Julia sends him a cactus.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Injured
When Nick is hurt playing a game of touch football and Jess discovers he doesn't have insurance, she brings him to her doctor friend - an OB/GYN. The gang rallies together and Nick evaluates his life when his seemingly innocuous back injury may prove to be more serious than he thought.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Russ, The
Joey gets a great acting opportunity. Rachel dates a guy who is amazingly similar to Ross. Series star DAVID SCHWIMMER plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 1), The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan. BROOKE SHIELDS, CHRIS ISAAK, ROARK CRITCHLOW, FRED WILLARD and TAHJ MOWRY guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 2), The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate. JULIA ROBERTS and JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Jimmy, The
Jerry suspects his dentist and hygienist are living out their fantasies at his expense.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doodle, The
Fleas force Jerry and his parents out of his apartment; guest Christa Miller.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fusilli Jerry, The
A mechanic pal (Patrick Warburton) uses Jerry's romantic techniques on Elaine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Diplomat's Club, The
Kramer woos a rich Texan in hopes she will finance his women's fashion line; guests Debra Jo Rupp, Kim Zimmer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pancake Batter Anomaly, The
With his friends knowing how sour he acts when sick; and avoiding him as a result; Sheldon is nursed for by Penny, who hasn't a clue what she's in for.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jerusalem Duality, The
With Sheldon rattled and impossible to be around after meeting Dennis, a 15-year-old physicist who's smarter than he, the rest of the guys search for a way to eliminate the threat.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bat Jar Conjecture, The
Sheldon finds himself booted from the gang's Physics Bowl team and replaced with Leslie (Sara Gilbert), so he forms his own team, hoping to prove he's superior.
TV-14
9:30 pm
America's Greatest Makers
Make or Break Round 5
Guest judge Shaquille joins the panel as the remaining makers compete in the Make or Break rounds for $100,000 and the final spot in the million dollar finale.
10:00 pm
Separation Anxiety (DVS)
Jenna & Sebastian
Jenna and Sebastian are an attractive, fun couple who have been dating for a while. Jenna is a model, but her personality is what shines through on the big stage. Sebastian entertains on the small stage as well. But does Jenna know him well enough to help them win it all
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6838
Guests: Jack Black, Rob Kazinsky, Ty Dolla $ign
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Not-So-Sweet Charity
In danger of losing their cupcake shop, Max and Caroline approach Caroline's rich but callous Aunt Charity for help.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6838
Guests: Jack Black, Rob Kazinsky, Ty Dolla $ign
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Wreck Me
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Won't Back Down
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Killers
Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt believes she''ll never fall in love again. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams, the dashing, handsome Spencer Aimes. Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life - that is, until the morning after Spencer''s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he''s also an international super-spy, and now Jen''s perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping - all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws and work out some major trust issues. And you thought suburban life was easy.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2215
A musical montage featuring dogs and cats who do not get along
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
Al protests the cancellation of his favorite TV show.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, May 18

6:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
The "NO MA'AM" men take their Psycho Dad protest to Washington, D.C.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
Al goes out of his way to help Kelly and meet his TV idol, Larry Storch.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
Al's Dodge goes into the car wash, but doesn't come out.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
Al and Peggy plans and good intentions or their 25th wedding anniversary are upset.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (1)
The Bundys and D'Arcys go on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Sno Job
Doug helps his cousin get a job; Arthur joins a film focus-group.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Pregnant Pause (1)
Carrie learns that she is pregnant.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Pregnant Pause (2)
Carrie learns that she is pregnant.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
'Til Deaf
Cleveland loses his hearing during a secret hunting trip and tries to keep the truth from Donna; Donna decides to go back to school; Roberta challenges Junior when he runs for reelection as student body president.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Das Shrimp Boot
Cleveland's determination to attend an all-you-can-eat shrimp cruise ends up getting him addicted to energy supplements and kidnapped by pirates.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial
Feeling shunned by Steve, Roger befriends a new boy, Henry. Their honeymoon is short lived as Henry starts abusing Roger. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine hijack the Pibbmobile in an effort to save the fledgling soft drink from going off the market forever.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Black Mystery Month
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Apocalypse to Remember, An
A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe it's the end of the world. Even after he realizes his error, he keeps his family convinced they are the last people on Earth so they will respect him. Meanwhile, Roger gets married so he can buy a new blender.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Four Little Words
Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she'll stop asking questions.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Dream of Jesus
Peter rediscovers his love for the painfully annoying song, "Surfin' Bird" which drives people around him crazy; and when Peter finds Jesus in a record store, he's determined to be his new best friend.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Germany
When Mort accidentally steps into a time machine, Stewie and Brian decide to follow him; but when they learn they are in Poland on the day of the Nazi invasion, they have to find their way back home.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Control
After Jess realizes that Schmidt is unfairly doing all of the housework, she pushes him to go on strike, and the entire ecosystem of the loft is thrown off balance. Meanwhile, Nick scrambles when he must pay up to Winston after losing a poker game.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Fancyman (Part I)
Jess reluctantly dates the wealthy father of one of her students. Meanwhile, Nick attempts to buy a new cell phone and Schmidt and Winston get ultra-competitive playing bar trivia.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know, The
Ross and Rachel encounter obstacles to romance. Monica becomes enamored with a handsome, older doctor (TOM SELLECK).
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Moves Out, The
Monica's parents find out about her middle-aged boyfriend (TOM SELLECK). Chandler and Joey argue -- and it could mean the end of their living arrangement.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Understudy, The
George is suspected of injuring Bette Midler in a softball game.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Face Painter, The
Elaine's boyfriend's behavior at a hockey game appalls her and Jerry.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Nerdvana Annihilation, The
When the delivery of a full-size prop of 1960's The Time Machine makes Penny miss work, she scolds Leonard about his sci-fi collectibles. He decides it's time to give up such childish pursuits.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pork Chop Indeterminacy, The
The rest of the gang fall for Sheldon's twin sister, and Leonard's plan to win her heart is derailed when Sheldon declares he'll be the one to decide who can date her.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Peanut Reaction, The
Penny wants to throw a surprise party for Leonard, but Sheldon's indulgence at an electronics store throws her off-track.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangerine Factor, The
Penny's break-up spurs Leonard to summon the courage to ask her out, and each goes to Sheldon for advice on their upcoming date.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bad Fish Paradigm, The
Penny opens up to a reluctant Sheldon after a less-than-stellar first date with Leonard, placing him in the uncomfortable position of having to keep a secret.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Codpiece Topology, The
Seeing Penny with another guy sends Leonard back to Leslie Winkle (Sarah Gilbert), much to Sheldon's dismay.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Conan in Korea
Conan heads to South Korea with The Walking Dead's Steven Yuen. After being welcomed by thousands of screaming fans, they explore various parts of the country, including the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) and the Joint Security Area (JSA). They also team up with music sensation J.Y. Park to film a K-Pop music video.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Temporary Distraction
When the girls take office temp jobs, Caroline tries to climb the corporate ladder and Max finds herself being hit on by the boss.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Conan in Korea
Conan heads to South Korea with The Walking Dead's Steven Yuen. After being welcomed by thousands of screaming fans, they explore various parts of the country, including the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) and the Joint Security Area (JSA). They also team up with music sensation J.Y. Park to film a K-Pop music video.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Come Around Here No More
TV-PG
2:00 am
Angie Tribeca
Pilot
The mayor is being blackmailed and the lieutenant is just sick about it. Angie Tribeca is assigned a new partner, Jay Geils, to find the blackmailer and bring him to justice. The only problem Tribeca works alone.
TV-14
2:30 am
The Detour
Pilot, The
Nate, Robin and the kids are headed from Syracuse to Ft. Lauderdale in a janky mini van instead of flying. Between truckers, aggressive drivers and road side breakfast spots, nothing is really what it seems on the road.
TV-MA
3:00 am
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2216
Some of the funniest home videos from across America
TV-G
 

Thursday, May 19

6:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (2)
The Bundys' and D'Arcy's Caribbean cruise is ruined when the ship sinks.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve year old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex... with Amber.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
March Dadness
When Freight Train bonds with Cleveland Jr., Cleveland goes head-to-head with the pair in a two-man golf tournament - choosing the man who kept Freight Train from playing pro football as his teammate.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Men in Me, The
After winning a dance contest and being labeled "The Whitest Man in America," Cleveland decides to retrace his roots with help from his former nanny.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
When Stan Loves a Woman
Stan gets jealous when he discovers how promiscuous Francine was in the past. He decides the only way to even the score is to divorce Francine and sow some wild oats of his own. Meanwhile, Steve gets addicted to an energy drink.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
I Can't Stan You
Stan drives himself crazy worrying about his neighbors' opinion of him. Roger and Steve become con artists.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Magnificent Steven, The
Stan takes Steve and his friends on a cattle drive through Langley Falls in an effort to turn them into men. But when Stan eats beef tainted with mad cow disease, it's up to the boys to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger pits Francine and Hayley against each other for his own amusement.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Joint Custody
Stan tries to get an unsuspecting Jeff Fischer out of his life for good by taking him on a road trip to Florida, where there is a warrant out for Jeff's arrest. Meanwhile, Roger wants to turn Jeff in himself so he can claim the reward money. Francine, Hayley, and Steve want to intervene as Stan and Roger battle it out on the road, but they are stranded at the Smith house until they can find Francine's car keys.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby Not On Board
When Peter wins free gas for a year, Brian suggests a road trip to the Grand Canyon. After careful planning and packing, they depart, only to leave Stewie behind. Hilarity ensues as they race back to Quahog.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Man With Two Brians, The
When Brian hurts his back saving Peter, Peter thinks Brian's getting too old, and brings another dog--named New Brian--into the family; and when everyone falls in love with the new pet, Brian leaves home.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Fancyman (Part II)
Jess' sophisticated date with Russell doesn't go as planned. Meanwhile, Nick's college friend visits and brings out Nick's inner frat boy to help him get over his break-up with Julia. Also, Winston panics when Shelby goes on a girls vacation and Schmidt and Cece try to keep their relationship under the covers, but one of the friends finds out their secret.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Secrets
While training for a marathon, Jess discovers that Cece has been keeping a secret from her, and their friendship is put to the test. Meanwhile, Winston can't handle being the only one who knows about Cece and Schmidt, and Nick reluctantly asks for Schmidt's help as he tries to juggle dating two women at once.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Moves In, The
Joey wants to move back in with Chandler, but there's a new problem. Phoebe tapes a rock video. Ross upsets Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies, The
Monica and Richard experience the same romantic problems as Rachel and Ross. Joey's ill-advised comments to a fan magazine threaten his acting career.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Won't Go, The
Chandler wants his annoying new roommate to move out. Joey's exorbitant bills come due. The women learn from a book about personal empowerment.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Old Yeller Dies, The
Monica's boyfriend impresses Chandler and Joey. Phoebe finds out what she missed as a child.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Hole
After Han fires Caroline for insulting his diner, Max tries to coax Caroline into apologizing.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Worst Selfie Ever
Caroline panics when she develops a rash after a night with her ex-boyfriend, Andy.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Barbarian Sublimation, The
Penny becomes addicted to an online game based on the world of Conan the Barbarian and persistantly pesters Sheldon for advice.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Griffin Equivalency, The
Full of confidence following being named one of People's "30 to Watch Under 30", Raj hits on Penny and becomes impossibly arrogant.
TV-14
10:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Extra Work
Max and Caroline are invited to be extras on a popular TV show shooting a scene in Han's diner, but when Caroline catches the director's eye, he offers her an actual role -- with strings attached.
TV-14
10:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Tip Slip
Caroline's father, Martin Channing, asks Caroline to go on a talk show to defend him when a former employee threatens to defame him in a tell-all book.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6841
Guests: Josh Brolin, Tom Segura, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
12:00 am
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1012
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6841
Guests: Josh Brolin, Tom Segura, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Woman in Love (It's Not Me), A
TV-PG
2:00 am
Angie Tribeca
Wedding Planner Did It, The
A baker's been murdered and the lieutenant is just sick about it. Tribeca must track down the murderer before any other people get murdered by that murderer. The only problem She doesn't know who did it.
TV-14
2:30 am
The Detour
Hotel, The
Having driven their van, 'Blue Thunder', into a ditch, it has to be repaired over-night. The Parkers stay at a nearby motel, Swift Stay Suites. What could possibly go right
TV-MA
3:00 am
Movie
Lottery Ticket
Kevin Carson a young man living in the projects, is just an ordinary Guy -- until he wins $370 million in the Mondo Millions Lottery. That''s the good news. The bad news is, the lottery claim office is closed for the long Fourth of July weekend, so, before he can collect his prize, Kevin is going to have to figure out how to keep a lid on his good fortune and survive the next three days. As news of his windfall spreads through the community like a grass fire, Kevin quickly discovers the good, the bad and the ugly in his closest friends and neighbors. Girls who could never be bothered before start chasing him down. Everyone wants a piece of him-including the reverend, the local loan shark and one very threatening recent parolee won''t take no for an answer. On edge and on the run, he even begins to question the intentions of his best friend, Benny. He also starts to realize the power he holds in his hands and what this lottery ticket could really mean to him, his future, and the community. It''s funny what people will do when money is involved.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2217
Mishaps involving Easter eggs and children; a flower girl throws a tantrum
TV-G