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SCHEDULE: September 2016

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Monday, September 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
Al tries to counsel a new employee against marriage.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
NO MA'AM
The women take over the bowling alley and the nudie bar. Al and his group are furious, and create the NO MA'AM group.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
Al and Jefferson avoid a theater event in order to go to a sports bar.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
Feeling disenchanted and ignored, Buck runs away.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
Al is accidentally circumcised.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Female Problems
Carrie befriends a new neighbor; Doug feels left out.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Assaulted Nuts
After Doug convinces Carrie he doesn't goof around at work, horseplay gets him into a painful and embarrassing predicament.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Thunder, The
Monica excitedly reveals her good news to everyone, but Rachel and Ross upstage her. Chandler has trouble making love.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Book, The
Monica is outraged to find out what her parents did with her wedding fund. Joey discovers Rachel's late-night reading material.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Assistant, The
Rachel is in a quandary when a sexy but unqualified man (EDDIE CAHILL) applies to be her assistant. Chandler, Monica and Ross tell embarrassing secrets about one another.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Frapp Attack!
An online video of Donna throwing a frappuccino in Cleveland's face attracts the attention of a music producer who tries stealing Donna away from Cleveland.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
American Prankster
A series of escalating pranks between Rallo and Cleveland Jr. lands Rallo in court, where he's sentenced to serve time in juvenile hall.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Human Flesh
Bob rallies the team to cook up some business for Grand Re-Re-Re-Opening of Bob's Burgers, sending middle child Gene to push samples in the streets, eldest daughter Tina to work the grill and youngest daughter Louise to staff the counter.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Crawl Space
When Bob learns that Linda's parents are coming for a visit, he takes drastic measures to avoid having contact with them. While fixing a leak in the attic, he pretends to get stuck while investigating a series of Prohibition Era passageways behind the walls. Bob manages to run the restaurant by ordering the family around from the safety of his wall maze, but then actually becomes stuck and begins to get a touch of cabin fever.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Sacred Cow
When a controversial documentary filmmaker places a live cow outside of the family restaurant to make a statement about animal cruelty, Bob is livid when it starts to scare away customers.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Thy Trophy
The Griffins and their neighbors build a festival float; waitress Meg schemes to get bigger tips.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death is a Bitch
Death pays Peter a visit when he claims "deceased" on insurance forms.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
King is Dead, The
Lois asks Peter to be the producer of "The King and I.''
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Am Peter Hear Me Roar
Peter finds his feminine side when he is sent to a women's retreat for sensitivity training.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Peter makes Chris pretend he's dying, in order to save a television program.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Running Mates
Peter runs against Lois for a seat on the school board.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Picture Is Worth A Thousand Bucks, A
Peter is envious of an old friend's success; Chris' painting gets serious attention.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fifteen Minutes of Shame
Meg exposes her family on a talk show.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Rhode Island
Stewie misbehaves while visiting his grandparents.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Let's Go To The Hop
Peter infiltrates Quahog High School as a new student; guest voice Gregg Allman.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Muslim-American Reporting
Full Frontal visits a Muslim-American community to see if they're reporting terrorists to the police.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6938
Guests: Patton Oswalt, Joe Walsh, Tall Heights.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Fun Factory
Max and Caroline hire a factory to produce their cupcake T-shirts, but they become suspicious of the work conditions there due to the company's overly enthusiastic employees.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6938
Guests: Patton Oswalt, Joe Walsh, Tall Heights.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Into the Great Wide Open
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Sex Drive
At 18, Ian Lafferty is struggling through his last summer before college. He''s taunted by his cocksure older brother Rex, shown up in the romance department by his 14-year-old younger brother and humiliated by his job at the donut shop in the mall. But Ian''s biggest problem is that he''s about to start college as a virgin! He''s determined to rectify that before he officially becomes a freshman and his devil-may-care pal Lance is on hand to help. A total washout out with the girl of his dreams and longtime "best friend" Felicia, Ian resorts to the Internet for dates. He soon hooks up with Ms. Tasty, a flaming hot blonde who can''t wait to get busy. But there''s one tiny catch: Ian has to drive 500 miles from Chicago to Knoxville to consummate the deal. Egged on by Lance, Ian risks life and limb by appropriating "The Judge," Rex''s prized vintage Pontiac GTO, for a cross-country "sex drive." With Lance and Felicia in tow, the planned eight-hour drive turns into a three-day marathon as the trio loses its way in the Heartland and ends up taking a scenic tour of Midwestern back roads. Car trouble, a stint in the pokey, a detour to an Amish farm and an afternoon at a roadside carnival all complicate Ian''s journey, but it''s Lance''s overactive libido that really threatens to derail his plans. Will Rex find him before he reaches Nirvana? Will a cuckolded husband exact revenge on Lance just as he seems to have found true love? Will Ms. Tasty live up to her Internet profile? Will Ian realize what it is he really wants? And most importantly, Will Ian, Felicia and Lance survive the perilous road to adulthood with all its unexpected twists and turns?
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2304
Halloweenies 2012 and second guy bites it
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
Peggy's birthday gift for Al causes quite a stir at the mall.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
Al and Peggy go away for awhile, and Kelly has her boyfriend over, who happens to ruin the couch. Bud and Kelly have to replace it before Al and Peggy come back.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, September 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
The Bundy's and the D'Arcys go to war over a property line dispute.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
When Al's old Dodge approaches the one million mark, the manufacturer offers to highlight it in a commercial--in exchange for a brand new sports car.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
When Bud discovers a long-lost Valentine's card a girlfriend had sent him a year ago, he goes on a mission to find his "lost love."
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
Al fights to keep an auto factory from replacing his high school football field.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
Jefferson reveals his past life as a spy.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
When Al's sarcasm costs him his prized parking space, he turns to a manly hero for advice.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Parent Trapped
Deacon and Kelly ask Doug and Carrie to be the godparents of their new baby; Arthur is put in charge of the pretzel stand.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dire Strayts
Doug and Carrie invite Ray and Debra Barone (``Everybody Loves Raymond'') to dinner; Doug gets stuck in the attic.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Doug Out
Feeling guilty, Doug invites Arthur to a Mets game; Doug gets arrested trying to catch a foul ball.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Tube Stakes
Doug's big screen television is stolen when Carrie accidentally leaves the garage door open.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
B.M.O.C.
While researching potential colleges for Roberta to attend, Cleveland visits his old fraternity, where he's made a fool of; Rallo becomes a substitute for Junior's stuffed animal.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Jesus Walks
A cute girl entices Cleveland Jr. to join the church choir; Cleveland thinks Donna may be cheating on him.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join a women's organization, only to discover that she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Dammit Janet
Lois enrolls Stewie at a day care center.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
There's Something About Paulie
As a favor, Peter takes a mobster's nephew to a movie.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
(Christmas) 23rd, The
The gang attends Schmidt's holiday office party, and Jess frets when she receives an expensive gift from Paul.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Story of the 50, The
When Schmidt's plans for his 29th birthday fall apart, Jess takes charge and enlists the help of her school's party hungry vice-principal. Meanwhile, Nick begrudgingly brings his new girlfriend to Schmidt's party, and the gang wonders who placed a 50 dollar bill in the douche-bag jar.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Engagement Picture, The
Joey tries to teach Chandler how to smile for the camera. Phoebe and Ross bicker over their divorcing friends.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Discovery Dissipation, The
When Sheldon's accidental scientific discovery is disproved, Amy and Leonard try to help him deal with the shame and the disappointment. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette open their home to Raj for a week.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper Extraction, The
With Sheldon in Texas, the gang gathers to decorate for Christmas, and they contemplate if each would have had a wonderful life had they never met him.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hesitation Ramification, The
Penny turns to Leonard for comfort after her guest appearance on NCIS does not turn out well. She ends up putting Leonard on the spot regarding their relationship. Sheldon works on his sense of humor and Raj practices talking to girls.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotive Manipulation, The
Amy has amour on her mind when she talks Sheldon into a romantic Valentine's Day getaway to Napa Valley wine country. Back at home, Leonard and Penny make an emergency visit to the vet with Raj's dog.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6939
Guests: Sharon Osbourne, Bruce Campbell, Mike Recine.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Past and the Furious
Caroline is shocked when she receives a Lamborghini for her birthday, which her father ordered for her four years ago. Meanwhile, Oleg plans something special for Sophie.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6939
Guests: Sharon Osbourne, Bruce Campbell, Mike Recine.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Do Me Like That
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Your Highness
Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-for-nothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general. Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he's settled for a life of wizard's weed, hard booze and easy maidens. But when Fabious' bride-to-be, Belladonna, gets kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar, the king gives his deadbeat son an ultimatum: Man up and help rescue her or get cut off. Half-assedly embarking upon his first quest, Thadeous joins Fabious to trek across the perilous outlands and free the princess. Joined by Isabel--an elusive warrior with a dangerous agenda of her own--the brothers must vanquish horrific creatures and traitorous knights before they can reach Belladonna. If Thadeous can find his inner hero, he can help his brother prevent the destruction of his land.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2305
Not so super-heroes and name that sound
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
To win a contest, Peggy must persuade Al to come home from work to engage in some afternoon hanky-panky.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
After their television breaks down and Al finds a way to win a large sum of money to buy a replacement, he auditions to be a contestant on a new sports trivia game show. However, after he is turned down because he lacks personality, he enlists Kelly to take his place.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, September 28

6:00 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
Household chores threaten Al's chance to see a favorite old movie.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
Al becomes an environmental hero and celebrity.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
A football star's romance with Kelly jeopardizes Jefferson's lifesaving wager on a big game.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
Al and Jefferson become vintage shoe entrepreneurs.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
Al must brave the department of motor vehicles to renew his driver's license, but discovers that his fate lies in Bud's hands.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
An untimely pimple threatens Kelly's acting career.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Get Away
On a weekend trip, Doug and Carrie discover that Deacon and Kelly have a much more active sex life.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Roamin' Holiday
Doug invites Spence to move in as part of a plan to keep Carrie's annoying friends from spending a weekend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
I, Candy
Doug's self-esteem gets a boost when a waitress flirts with him.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Sparing Carrie
Doug's bowling team must win a match or else fire Carrie.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Flush of Genius
Cleveland attempts to make toilet seats safer; Rallo thinks he's tall enough to ride his favorite rollercoaster.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Mama Drama
As Mother's Day approaches, Cleveland hires an actress to impersonate Dee Dee, Donna's estranged mother.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself, while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
It's Good to Be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who was the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
He's Too Sexy For His Fat
Peter talks himself into getting liposuction and other plastic surgery.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
E Peterbus Unum
Peter declares his land a country and makes himself president.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Jess & Julia
Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess enlists Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket, Winston reconnects with a former booty call, and Schmidt is baffled as to why his shower towel is always damp.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Landlord, The
Jess goes against Nick's wishes and makes it her mission to get the loft's cantankerous landlord to like her. In doing so, she inadvertently jeopardizes their living situation and the guys are forced to admit they've made some unofficial changes to the apartment. Meanwhile, Schmidt tries to decipher what he thinks are mixed signals from his boss, Kim.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Frogger, The
Elaine eats Peterman's cake; Kramer helps George steal an arcade game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show (Part 1), The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show (Part 2), The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Table Polarization, The
Leonard's purchase of a dining-room table for the apartment doesn't sit well with Sheldon, so much so that it forces him to reevaluate his life. Meanwhile, Bernadette isn't quite over the moon about Howard taking another trip to space.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Turbulence, The
Things turn rocky between Sheldon and Wolowitz after a barrage of insults, and Bernadette steps in to mediate a peace. Meanwhile, Penny is offered a movie role that may prove embarrassing.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mommy Observation, The
While Sheldon and Howard continue their bonding holiday to Houston Texas; Sheldon's surprise visit to see his Mommy forces him to start addressing a new reality. Meanwhile the rest of the gang are subjected to a surprise Koothrappali "Murder Mystery" party that leads the gang to speculate where they might all be 20 years from now.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Indecision Amalgamation, The
Raj wrestles with dating two women at the same time; Penny is offered a part in a trashy movie; and Sheldon can't decide between two gaming systems.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Relationship Diremption, The
Raj and Howard double-date and the latter is flushed with embarrassment after Raj's girlfriend reveals a secret she knows about Howard. Meanwhile, Sheldon is at loose ends when he begins to believe he's wasted his life trying to prove string theory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1024
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6940
Guests: Ted Danson, Phoebe Robinson.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Move-in Meltdown
Max, Caroline, Earl and Han help Oleg move into Sophie's apartment, until she begins turning away all of his stuff.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6940
Guests: Ted Danson, Phoebe Robinson.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Won't Back Down
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Last Boy Scout, The
In this entertaining early '90s classic, a former Secret Service agent teams up with a former pro-football star to solve the mysterious murder of his girlfriend. This is a must-see for any action-film aficionados. Starring Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans, Halle Berry, Taylor Negron and Chelsea Field.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2306
AFV's 500th episode
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
Bud is distracted by Marcy's sexy niece.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
Al refuses to allow breast feeding in the shoe store.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, September 29

6:00 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks (2)
Al's battle against breast feeding lands him in trouble with the store's owner.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dial "B" for Virgin
Bud is tapped to run a phone hot line for virgins.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
Al must sleep with Marcy so that Jefferson can cash in her valuable Barbie doll.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
The Bundys and D'Arcys discover a new TV show modeled after their lives.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
Al reunites his old high school football team to play the championship game that never was.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
Al and his friends decide to remedy the professional baseball strike themselves.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Net Prophets
Carrie insists on using her Christmas bonus to invest in Internet stock.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Block Buster
Doug's memories of his glory days as a football player don't match those of his old teammates.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Frozen Pop
Arthur moves into the upstairs bedroom when cold weather forces him out of the basement.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Party Favor
Carrie convinces Doug to be the best man for his cousin, and helps him organize the bachelor party.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
All You Can Eat
After undergoing a stylish makeover, Cleveland Junior asks a girl to accompany him to the school prom. Mistakenly believing that Junior is a lesbian like her, the girl accepts.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Escape From Goochland
As Halloween approaches...Cleveland and his friends attended a rival high school's football game, only to find themselves stranded in enemy territory; Donna's sexy Halloween costume gets her into trouble with the police; Roberta and Junior dress up as Cleveland and Donna.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
American Dad After School Special, The
Steve starts dating an overweight girl. Stan's insecurity about his own body image leads him to anorexia.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Story On Page One, The
Meg writes for the school paper to improve her Ivy League chances.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Wasted Talent
Peter and his friends go on a drinking binge to find a winning ticket in a bottle; Lois works Ling too hard for a competition.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Valentine's Day
Single for the first time on Valentine's Day, Jess convinces Schmidt to be her wingman as she attempts to have an attachment-free fling with a handsome stranger. Nick's romantic plans are foiled when he finds himself spending more time with Julia's law firm assistant than with her. Winston becomes one of the girls when Shelby invites him over on the holiday.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Bully
When Jess tries to intervene with a classroom bully she finds herself the target of the bad seed student. Schmidt, meanwhile, is thrilled over his post-Valentine's sex-capades, but hates that his paramour wants to keep it a secret. Meanwhile, Nick goes into a tailspin when Julia sends him a cactus.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Finale (Part 1), The
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Finale (Part 2), The
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bubble Boy, The
Jerry gets lost en route to visiting a sickly fan; guest Jessica Lundy.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Crime Ring
Max and Caroline are arrested for breaking into a cute guy's apartment to retrieve some rings Caroline left there after she spent the night.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Knock Off Knockout
Max and Caroline get into a legal battle with two teens who knocked off their cupcake T-shirts and sold them.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Transmogrification, The
A grief-stricken Sheldon receives counseling from his childhood TV idol, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), while Penny and Leonard reach a relationship milestone and turn it into a competition and Bernadette and Amy turn "Star Wars Day" into a special event for the guys.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Dissolution, The
A trying day at the movie shoot leaves Penny with questions about her life choices, so she decides to act on it; and caring for a bedridden Mrs. Wolowitz proves a challenge for Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Status Quo Combustion, The
In the Season 7 finale, Sheldon gets caught up in all the life-altering changes going on around him and considers a monumental move.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Locomotion Interruption, The
In the Season 8 premiere, Amy and Leonard take a surprise road trip to Arizona, while Penny goes on a job interview at Bernadette's company, and Howard has problems wrapping his head around Stuart's relationship with Mrs. Wolowitz.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6941
Guests: Ozzy & Jack Osbourne, Dylan Moran.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Great Unwashed
Max and Caroline learn that one of their customers at the diner is a successful photographer who is keeping a secret.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6941
Guests: Ozzy & Jack Osbourne, Dylan Moran.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Wreck Me
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Miracle
The inspiring story of the team that transcended its sport and united a nation with a new feeling of hope. Based on the true story of one of the greatest moments in sports history, the tale captures a time and place where differences could be settled by games and a cold war could be put on ice. In 1980, the United States Ice Hockey team''s coach, Herb Brooks, took a ragtag squad of college kids up against the legendary juggernaut from the Soviet Union at the Olympic Games. Despite the long odds, Team USA carried the pride of a nation yearning from a distraction from world events. With the world watching the team rose to the occasion, prompting broadcaster Al Michaels'' now famous question, to the millions viewing at home: "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"
TV-PG
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2307
The first 6 nominees of the season battle it out to win the $100,000
TV-G
 

Friday, September 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
Al and his friends are forced to take their wives to a strip club.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
Al protests the cancellation of his favorite TV show.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
The "NO MA'AM" men take their Psycho Dad protest to Washington, D.C.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
Al goes out of his way to help Kelly and meet his TV idol, Larry Storch.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
Al's Dodge goes into the car wash, but doesn't come out.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fair Game
Doug catches Carrie cheating while playing board games with friends.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Shmenkmans, The
Doug and Carrie search for new friends, who do not have children.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Meet By-Product
St. Valentine's Day finds Doug and Carrie reminiscing about the first time they met.
TV-14
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wild Cards
Doug hides his losing trip to Atlantic City from Carrie.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Surprise Artie
Carrie's surprise birthday party for Arthur is ruined when Doug loses the guest of honor.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Menace II Secret Society
Cleveland discovers the existence of a secret hip hop society after Kenny West refuses to share credit for a hit song they wrote together; Junior starts his own polka band.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
General Thanksgiving Episode, A
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland opens a bar at the airport; Holt and his estranged father bond when Cleveland becomes trapped on a pilotless airplane.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Failure Is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Lincoln Lover
Greg introduces Stan to the Langley Falls Log Cabin Republicans. Only after Stan is taken with their fabulous ways does he realize that it's a gay group. To gain further acceptance into this wonderful group, Stan decides to become gay. Meanwhile, Terry is furious to discover Greg is a Republican.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dungeons and Wagons
Stan gets mixed up in street racing to put some excitement back in his marriage. After Hayley breaks up with Jeff Fischer, Jeff becomes video game pals with Steve. In an attempt to get Jeff back, Hayley kills Steve's beloved video game character.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Iced, Iced Babies
With Steve busy with his girlfriend, Francine decides she wants another baby. Stan, however, does not, so he secretly gets a vasectomy. But Francine discovers he still has sperm left in a CIA sperm bank. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a professor at Hayley's community college and earns the adoration of a psycho student.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fore Father
Chris gets a job picking up golf balls; Peter ignores Chris in favor of Cleveland Jr.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Injured
When Nick is hurt playing a game of touch football and Jess discovers he doesn't have insurance, she brings him to her doctor friend - an OB/GYN. The gang rallies together and Nick evaluates his life when his seemingly innocuous back injury may prove to be more serious than he thought.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Control
After Jess realizes that Schmidt is unfairly doing all of the housework, she pushes him to go on strike, and the entire ecosystem of the loft is thrown off balance. Meanwhile, Nick scrambles when he must pay up to Winston after losing a poker game.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Vows, The
As Monica and Chandler prepare their wedding vows, they and their friends reminisce. The episode features numerous clips from previous shows.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Dad, The
Chandler confronts his estranged cross-dressing father (KATHLEEN TURNER). Rachel gets into trouble driving Monica's Porsche. ALEXIS ARQUETTE guest stars.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cheever Letters, The
Jerry and George work on their pilot script.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Opera, The
Unaware her beau is a mad stalker, Jerry takes Elaine to the opera.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Virgin, The
Hours before a network meeting, Jerry and George draw a blank; guest Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Bob's Burgers (DVS)
Sexy Dance Fighting
When Tina develops a crush on the new martial arts instructor in town, she joins the class and ends up shirking her responsibilities at the restaurant. Bob finds out what's going on and decides to take matters into his own hands.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Bob's Burgers (DVS)
Hamburger Dinner Theater
Bob reluctantly lets Linda and the kids stage a musical murder mystery dinner theater in the restaurant, but on opening night, an abrupt interruption changes the play's creative direction.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Junior Professor Solution, The
Sheldon is ordered to teach a class, and the gang is surprised when Howard signs up to take it; and tensions between Penny and Bernadette afford Amy an opportunity to play one against the other.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
First Pitch Insufficiency, The
A nervous Wolowitz is thrown for a loop when NASA asks him to toss out the first pitch at a Los Angeles Angels baseball game. Meanwhile, Sheldon brags that he and Amy are a better couple than Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
ELEAGUE
Overwatch Open Grand Final
12:00 am
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Hope Springs
Kay and Arnold are a devoted couple, but decades of marriage have left Kay wanting to spice things up and reconnect with her husband. When she hears of a renowned couple's specialist in the small town of Hope Springs, she attempts to persuade her skeptical husband, a steadfast man of routine, to get on a plane for a week of marriage therapy. Just convincing the stubborn Arnold to go on the retreat is hard enough - the real challenge for both of them comes as they shed their bedroom hang-ups and try to re-ignite the spark that caused them to fall for each other in the first place.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2308
The grumpy little dogs and practical jokes that backfired
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
Al and Peggy plans and good intentions or their 25th wedding anniversary are upset.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
And Bingo was Her Game-O
Peggy wins $10,000 playing Bingo. Meanwhile, NO MA'AM chooses their official beer.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, October 1

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Dog, The
Jerry gets stuck sitting for an unruly dog.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Library, The
The library asks Jerry about a book overdue since 1971.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Pen, The
Jerry accepts a gift his parents wanted him to refuse.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Parking Garage, The
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer lose their car in a mall parking garage.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Cafe, The
Jerry tries to help the owner of a deserted neighborhood cafe.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
10:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Wedding Crashers
Divorce mediators John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey are business partners and lifelong friends who share one truly unique springtime hobby--crashing weddings! Whatever the ethnicity of the wedding party--Jewish, Italian, Irish, Chinese, Hindu--the charismatic and charming duo always have clever back stories for inquisitive guests and inevitably become the hit of every reception, where they strictly adhere to their proven "rules of wedding crashing" to meet and pick up women aroused by the very thought of marriage. At the tail end of another successful season of toasting brides and grooms, Jeremy learns that the daughter of Treasury Secretary William Cleary and his wife, Kathleen, is getting married in what is sure to be the Washington D.C. social event of the year. After infiltrating the lavish affair, John and Jeremy quickly set their sights on two bridesmaids, Claire and Gloria Cleary. With the lavish reception in full swing, Jeremy works his game plan to perfection in seducing Gloria, but John''s flirtation banter with Claire is unexpectedly impeded by her pompous, Ivy League boyfriend Sack. Having uncharacteristically fallen hard and fast for Claire, John convinces a resistant Jeremy to bend the crashing rules and accept an invitation to an extended weekend party at the Cleary family compound. Once at the palatial waterfront estate, John and Jeremy endure a multitude of comical mishaps at the hands of the dysfunctional members of the Cleary family, but also learn a few unexpected lessons about love and relationships.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 1), The
On the eve of the wedding, Ross searches for missing Chandler, who has doubts, while the girls distract unsuspecting Monica.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 2), The
Monica remains blissfully unaware of the potential disasters on her wedding day. ELLIOTT GOULD, CHRISTINA PICKLES, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, GARY OLDMAN and KATHLEEN TURNER guest star.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Red Sweater, The
Rachel debates whether she should break the news to her baby's father.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake Captives
Sophie's wedding is interrupted by a hostage situation. Meanwhile, Max and Caroline's cupcake business gets some unwanted attention when a tenant who is wearing one of their company's T-shirts is arrested.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Fat Cat
Max and Caroline's missing cat, Nancy, is returned by a handsome businessman; and Nancy comes home with a big surprise.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Zero Tolerance
Max and Caroline get second jobs as a pastry chef and a hostess at a trendy restaurant to help pay off their bank loan.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Hook-Up
Max pursues a handsome new coworker at the restaurant, despite the owner's "no hook-up" rule.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Taste Test
Sophie takes Max and Caroline shopping for their bridesmaid dresses, so the girls enlist the diner gang's help to hide the most hideous ones to avoid being utterly humiliated.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anything Can Happen Recurrence, The
Leonard reinstates "Anything Can Happen Thursday," and it leads the regimented Sheldon to attempt something spontaneous, which creates friction among Penny, Amy, and Bernadette. Meanwhile, Raj requests help from Howard in prepping for a date with Emily.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hook-Up Reverberation, The
Raj's girlfriend, Emily, gives Penny the cold shoulder after he reveals some info about their past history; and the guys contemplate buying into Stuart's comic-book emporium.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Focus Attenuation, The
Amy and Bernadette accuse former party girl Penny of becoming a party pooper when she lets an email from work impact their girls' weekend in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, the guys brainstorm about inventing something cool.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Expedition Approximation, The
Sheldon and Raj undertake an underground research expedition that turns into a test of how long before they get under each other's skin. Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny argue about money.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Misinterpretation Agitation
Amy and Bernadette organize a prom to be held atop the guys' apartment complex, but Sheldon is leery of all the prom pomp, circumstance and romancing that goes with it.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prom Equivalency, The
Penny's flirtatious sales pitch leaves a doctor-client smitten and the guys must pitch in to help her deal with him, while, Bernadette and Amy debate whether female scientists ought to play the sexuality card.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Septum Deviation, The
Leonard needs surgery for a deviated septum, and Sheldon gets his nose out of joint because he feels an operation is too dangerous and that his roommate may not make it out alive.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1024
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve year old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, October 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex... with Amber.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Tape, The
Elaine puts an erotic message on Jerry's tape recorder; George gets excited.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Nose Job, The
Jerry reconsiders dating a vacuous actress (Tawny Kitaen); George dates a woman with a big nose.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Alternate Side, The
Elaine dumps a 66-year-old, who then has a heart attack.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Red Dot, The
Elaine's alcoholic boyfriend resumes drinking; Jerry is the unwitting cause.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Tells..., The
The real father of Rachel's baby is revealed; Monica and Chandler struggle to make their honeymoon flight.
TV-14
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Videotape, The
Ross reveals that he videotaped a sexual encounter between Rachel and him.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Date, The
Ross is horrified when Rachel goes on a date with a soap-opera star (Johnny Messner); Phoebe is attracted to a clumsy chef whom Monica wants to fire.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stain, The
Rachel wants to find her own apartment; Phoebe is ecstatic when Eric (Sean Penn) dumps Ursula to date her.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn''t for everyone--especially if you''re a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he''ll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn''t have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona''s long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it''s going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
2:30 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
MLB Pre-Game
3:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Game 13
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Minor Problem
Max and Caroline's attempt to break Nash into the modeling business is threatened when his mother arrives from Ireland to retrieve her son.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Grate Expectations
Max and Caroline help launch the opening of The High's new location at JFK airport. Meanwhile, Sophie learns that Oleg may have an ulterior motive for wanting to marry her.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Disappointing Unit
Season 4 ends with Max and Caroline tasked with retrieving Sophie's wedding dress from airport customs and safely transporting it to the church in time for the nuptials.
TV-14
7:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Wrecking Ball
Season 5 begins with Max and Caroline teaming up with the diner staff in a frantic attempt to keep their businesses open when the city targets Han's diner and their cupcake window for destruction.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Champagne Reflection, The
It's a banner day for Sheldon as he bids a sad farewell to his "Fun With Flags" podcast. Meanwhile, Leonard, Howard and Raj probe a late professor's research in search of some hidden significance.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Clean Room Infiltration, The
On Christmas Eve, Amy plans a traditional Victorian dinner, while Raj, Leonard and Howard scramble to remove a pigeon that flew into the clean room at the university.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Space Probe Disintegration, The
While Raj eagerly awaits data from a space probe in which he was involved, Howard keeps distracting him. Later, dress shopping with Penny and Amy doesn't exactly prove to be a good fit for Leonard and Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anxiety Optimization, The
Sheldon becomes concerned that his cushy lifestyle is impacting his professional progress and keeping him from achieving scientific renown, so he asks the gang to make life more difficult for him.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Troll Manifestation, The
An online troll rips Leonard and Sheldon's published physics paper, so the guys rally to defend the two and expose the bully, while a girls night out leads to Penny, Amy and Bernadette dishing about embarrassing past events.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Comic Book Store Regeneration, The
Amid the excitement of Stuart reopening his comic-book store, Howard gets some unsettling news; and after teaching Sheldon how to "let it go," Penny doesn't practice what she preaches when she learns something maddening about Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Intimacy Acceleration, The
An experiment designed to make participants fall in love piques Penny and Leonard's interest, so they decide to put it to the test. Meanwhile, Leonard, Amy, Raj and Emily have an encounter with a "zombie".
TV-PG
11:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn''t for everyone--especially if you''re a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he''ll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn''t have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona''s long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it''s going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Alice in Wonderland
While 19-year-old Alice is attending a party, she sees a white rabbit with a pocket watch go into the bushes and follows him. She falls down a rabbit hole that leads to Underland, where she is reunited with her childhood friends, the White Rabbit, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the Dormouse, the Caterpillar, the Cheshire Cat, and the Mat Hatter. All of the residents of Underworld are searching for someone to save them from the cruel Red Queen who has taken over the kingdom and decapitates anyone who crosses her. A scroll in Underland chronicles the history of the land, including events that have not yet occurred, and it states that Alice is the one who will set the kingdom free by defeating the queen's dragon-like Jabberwocky.
TV-PG
 

Monday, October 3

6:00 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoe Room with a View, A
Al arranges for an aerobics studio to open next to the shoe store.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
When Bud decides to move out, Peggy's mother arrives to stay.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Briard
The family tries to console Kelly when Buck dies.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Big Dougie
Doug becomes a Big Brother and attempts a 10k run.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Soft Touch
Doug is lured into a pyramid scheme that requires him to sell water filters.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stripper, The
Rachel tells her belligerent father (Ron Leibman) that she is pregnant with Ross' child.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Boots, The
Chandler is angry when Monica buys expensive boots; Phoebe tries to get tickets to a Sting concert.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Dates Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Takes a Bath, The
Monica blabs her suspicions when she mistakenly believes Joey is infatuated with Phoebe.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Turkey Pot Die
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland takes Junior to a turkey farm to pick out holiday dinner, but Junior concocts a plot to set the birds free; Donna and Rallo set to work building a Thanksgiving parade float.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Vas Deferens Between Men and Women, A
Complications ensue when Donna decides she wants another child; Rallo lands the lead role in a local production of the musical "Annie."
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Of Ice and Men
Stan's competitive streak is unleashed when he and Francine start ice dancing together. Stan dumps Francine to compete with Roger. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends get a mail order Russian bride.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Irregarding Steve
When Steve realizes he's smarter than Stan, he throws it in Stan's face and moves with Roger to New York City to become writers. There, they quickly realize they're short on street smarts when they fall in with the pretentious hairdresser, Mr. Beauregard. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of the lives of the squirrels living in the Smith's backyard.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Best Christmas Story Never Told, The
Stan goes to the past to keep Jane Fonda from ruining Christmas, but he winds up creating an alternate future where the United States has been taken over by the Soviet Union.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Bush Comes to Dinner
President Bush comes to dinner when Stan wins an essay-writing contest. Hayley is determined to bring down the presidency after Roger accidentally gets Bush drunk. Meanwhile, Roger thinks he's found Osama bin Laden.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Sheesh! Cab, Bob?
Tina is desperate to get her first kiss at her 13th birthday party. But after Louise breaks the deep fryer, Bob is forced to takes a second job as a late-night cab driver to pay for Tina's party. The situation worsens when the parents of Tina's crush refuse to let their son attend the party, and Bob has to do everything in his power to save his daughter's big day.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Bed & Breakfast
With a long weekend approaching, Linda sees an opportunity to capitalize on the tourist traffic by turning their home into a bed and breakfast. As usual, she goes overboard and gets a little crazy when her efforts aren't appreciated.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Art Crawl
When Linda asks Bob to let her sister hang her paintings in the restaurant for Art Week, Bob finds he's forced to contend with the city's Art Council, a shady troop of intimidating old ladies who control the art exhibited around town. Meanwhile, Louise, Gene and Tina are thrilled by all the attention their own art receives in the restaurant.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Thin White Line
Brian's keen sense of smell gets him a job with the police department.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy
Brian Does Hollywood
Brian's first job in Hollywood is directing a pornographic film.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington
The tobacco industry sends Peter to Washington to present a speech about smoking.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
One If By Clam, Two if By Sea
A British man buys Peter's favorite bar after a hurricane.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
And The Wiener Is...
Peter joins a gun club to compensate for his lack of physical assets; Meg becomes the target of the ``cool'' gang's wrath.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death Lives
After a near-death experience on his anniversary, Peter learns the importance of spending time with Lois.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lethal Weapons
New Yorkers invade the town in the fall; Lois hones her martial-arts skills.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Kiss Seen 'Round The World
Meg lands an intership working with the school nerd at a television station.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Dream Factory
Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, so he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as cheap labor.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial
Feeling shunned by Steve, Roger befriends a new boy, Henry. Their honeymoon is short lived as Henry starts abusing Roger. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine hijack the Pibbmobile in an effort to save the fledgling soft drink from going off the market forever.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mr. Saturday Knight
Peter decides to pursue his dream career as a knight.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fish Out Of Water
Peter hunts for a man-eating fish in order to collect reward money to pay off a loan.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Super PACs
Sam sits down with a Super PAC donor to discuss his contributions.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6942
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Gym and Juice
The shower at Max and Caroline's apartment breaks, so they get part-time jobs at a fancy gym's juice bar and enjoy free use of the locker room.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6942
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Woman in Love (It's Not Me), A
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Step Up 2 The Streets
When rebellious street dancer Andie lands at the elite Maryland School of the Arts, she finds herself fighting to fit in while also trying to hold onto her old life. When she joins forces with the school''s hottest dancer Chase to form a crew of classmate outcasts to compete in Baltimore''s underground dance battle The Streets, she ultimately finds a way to live her dream while building a bridge between her two separate worlds.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #1801
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Reverend Al
Al and his friends turn No Ma'am into a tax-exempt church.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
How Bleen Was My Kelly
Kelly accidentally invents a baldness cure with some unusual side effects.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, October 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
Weaker Sex, The
Al suffers public scorn when Peggy is declared a hero for taking out a pickpocket.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Flight of the Bumblebee
Bud takes on wrestler King Kong Bundy as his initiation into "No Ma'am."
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Blonde and Blonder
Kelly's class reunion becomes the scene for an ex-nerd's revenge.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl II
Marcy is determined to keep Polk High's new football scoreboard from being named after Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Bearly Men
Al must prove himself a man so his father-in-law will take Peggy's mom back home.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Two That Got Away, The
Bumped from their fishing lodge cabin, Al and Jefferson seek revenge against actress Shannon Tweed.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Restaurant Row
Carrie forbids Doug from eating at his favorite Italian restaurant.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Whine Country
A coin toss decides the destination for Doug and Carrie's vacation; Arthur and Spence join Doug and Carrie on vacation.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Flower Power
Carrie thinks Doug has lost his romantic side; Arthur is called for jury duty.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
'Tis The Cleveland To Be Sorry
As Christmas approaches...Cleveland pretends to be homeless after discovering that food at a local shelter is better than the meals Donna prepares.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hustle 'N Bros
Cleveland is shocked when Freight Train adopts Donna's ex-husband, Robert; Junior and Rallo track down lost dogs and use the reward money to pay a debt they owe Donna.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Black Mystery Month
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Apocalypse to Remember, An
A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe it's the end of the world. Even after he realizes his error, he keeps his family convinced they are the last people on Earth so they will respect him. Meanwhile, Roger gets married so he can buy a new blender.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Four Little Words
Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she'll stop asking questions.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
When Stan Loves a Woman
Stan gets jealous when he discovers how promiscuous Francine was in the past. He decides the only way to even the score is to divorce Francine and sow some wild oats of his own. Meanwhile, Steve gets addicted to an energy drink.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Emission Impossible
Lois' pregnant sister inspires her and Peter to have another baby.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
To Love and Die In Dixie
The Griffins are put into the witness protection program.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Fancyman (Part I)
Jess reluctantly dates the wealthy father of one of her students. Meanwhile, Nick attempts to buy a new cell phone and Schmidt and Winston get ultra-competitive playing bar trivia.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
New Girl
Fancyman (Part II)
Jess' sophisticated date with Russell doesn't go as planned. Meanwhile, Nick's college friend visits and brings out Nick's inner frat boy to help him get over his break-up with Julia. Also, Winston panics when Shelby goes on a girls vacation and Schmidt and Cece try to keep their relationship under the covers, but one of the friends finds out their secret.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Secret Closet, The
Joey realizes his intense feelings for Rachel are excluding Ross from the joys of impending fatherhood.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Tells Rachel, The
Joey tells Rachel that he is in love with her.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tea Leaves, The
Rachel devises a lie about her unborn child that she hopes will break the silence between her and Joey; Phoebe reads tea leaves and predicts she will soon encounter the man of her dreams.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Massapequa, The
Phoebe brings her annoyingly upbeat boyfriend (Alec Baldwin) to the 35th anniversary of Monica and Ross' parents (Christina Pickles, Elliott Gould), who urge Ross and pregnant Rachel to pretend to be married.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Airport, The
On a flight, Jerry meets a beauty, while Elaine sits next to a smelly guy.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pick, The
Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Visa, The
A deportee (Brian George) blames helpful Jerry; Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
MLB Playoffs
MLB Postseason Pre-Game
8:00 pm
MLB Wild Card
Game 01
11:30 pm
MLB Playoffs
Postseason Show
12:00 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6943
TV-14
1:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Inside Outside Situation
Max and Caroline's cupcake shop is boycotted after they refuse to sell cupcakes to an artist who wants to put cocktail weenies in them.
1:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6943
TV-14
2:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Come Around Here No More
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie
College Road Trip
Melanie is eagerly looking forward to taking her first big step towards independence when she plans a "girls only" road trip to check out prospective universities. However, when her imposing police-chief dad insists on escorting her instead, she soon finds her dream trip turning into a nightmare full of misfortune and turmoil. Dad wants to assure total security and safety for his precious daughter, while Melanie has a 17-year-old''s need to become a grown woman and have her own sense of independence. Now, even as dad and daughter bicker, banter and careen from one disaster to the next on their journey, they are about to discover that, sometimes, going that extra mile to be together can forge a family bond so strong it can withstand anything--even wild curves ahead.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #1802
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I Can't Believe It's Butter
Al forces Peggy's mom to get a job right before Christmas.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, October 5

6:00 am
Married With Children
Love Conquers Al
Peggy takes Al and her parents to a marriage therapy retreat.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (1), The
To keep Kelly as a client, Bud sets out to produce a sexy exercise video.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (2), The
In order to save his life, Bud must finish his exercise video on time.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Calendar Girl
Al uses Bud's class project to beat out a rival shoe store owner.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (1)
As Kelly and her friends trick Bud's fraternity out of their spring break in Florida, Al and Griff join Jefferson in Fort Lauderdale to judge a college co-ed beauty contest.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (2)
As Al prepares to chest to see that Kelly is named Miss Spring Break, Marcy and Bud lead some burned fraternity brothers to Florida for revenge.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Wide World Of The Cleveland Show, The
As Cleveland and his family travel the world...in Italy, Cleveland must choose between Junior and Rallo to run "the family business;" in Mexico, Junior insists on having a Quinceanera, even though it's for girls; in Japan, Cleveland builds a robot to attend Junior's eating competition.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Here Comes The Bribe
A marriage counselor tells Cleveland he can skew counseling sessions with Donna in his favor, provided he receives compensation; Junior's favorite refrigerator breaks.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
I Can't Stan You
Stan drives himself crazy worrying about his neighbors' opinion of him. Roger and Steve become con artists.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Magnificent Steven, The
Stan takes Steve and his friends on a cattle drive through Langley Falls in an effort to turn them into men. But when Stan eats beef tainted with mad cow disease, it's up to the boys to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger pits Francine and Hayley against each other for his own amusement.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Joint Custody
Stan tries to get an unsuspecting Jeff Fischer out of his life for good by taking him on a road trip to Florida, where there is a warrant out for Jeff's arrest. Meanwhile, Roger wants to turn Jeff in himself so he can claim the reward money. Francine, Hayley, and Steve want to intervene as Stan and Roger battle it out on the road, but they are stranded at the Smith house until they can find Francine's car keys.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Vacation Goo, The
The Smiths find out that their outstanding family vacations have only been experiences in virtual reality. Stan vows to redeem himself by taking the family on a cruise, but when they are stranded on a remote island, things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Roger goes from cruise ship singer to a dancer in a seedy gentlemen's club.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Screwed The Pooch
Brian releases his sexual energy on the Pewterschmidts' dog.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Griffin: Husband, Father, Brother?
Chris discovers that he has a black ancestor.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Secrets
While training for a marathon, Jess discovers that Cece has been keeping a secret from her, and their friendship is put to the test. Meanwhile, Winston can't handle being the only one who knows about Cece and Schmidt, and Nick reluctantly asks for Schmidt's help as he tries to juggle dating two women at once.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Normal
A nervous Jess invites Russell to spend the weekend at the loft, and her fears are amplified when he gets along better with the guys than she hoped. Meanwhile, Winston begins work at a sports radio station, but quickly finds out his boss is more of a shock jock, and Nick tries to make an invention from his "Idea Notebook" into a reality.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Interview, The
When Soap Opera Digest requests an interview, Joey enlists his friends to make sure he does not say anything that could cost him his role.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's (Marlo Thomas) offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cooking Class, The
A food critic blasts Monica's cooking in a newspaper review; a cute saleswoman (Rena Sofer) riles Rachel when she flirts with Ross; Phoebe coaches Chandler for a job interview.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Is Late, The
Overdue Rachel tries everything to rush the delivery of her baby.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Movie, The
Jerry tries to coordinate two comedy appearances and a movie with friends; guest Tom La Grua.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Outing, The
Jerry tries to refute reports that he and George are lovers; guest Paula Marshall.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Graduation Transmission, The
Wolowitz questions his engineering abilities when he and Sheldon can't get a drone to fly. Meanwhile, a canceled flight nearly prevents Leonard from giving the commencement address at his former high school. And Raj pits his parents against each other when his father cuts him off financially.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Colonization Application, The
There's trouble in paradise when Amy discovers Sheldon signed up for a one-way mission to colonize Mars, and the two get into a dogfight at a pet store. Meanwhile, Leonard makes a very "adult" purchase for Penny.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Leftover Thermalization, The
An electrical short thaws the last meal that was cooked by Mrs. Wolowitz, and the gang ponders what to do with it, while Sheldon and Leonard's work is featured in a magazine, but only one receives credit.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skywalker Incursion, The
A speaking engagement at UC Berkeley puts Leonard and Sheldon in a galaxy not too far, far away from their idol George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch, and they considrer dropping by.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fortification Implementation, The
When Sheldon and Amy build a blanket fort, they come to a big crossroad in their relationship. And Wolowitz is shocked when a man claiming to be his half-brother he never knew he had shows up at his front door. And, when Penny is invited to appear on Wil Wheaton's podcast, she and Leonard have a huge, on-air argument.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Communication Deterioration, The
In the event of Alien contact, NASA asks Raj to craft a message for the extraterrestrials, and the guys battle over how it should be handled. Meanwhile, Penny must decide between auditioning for a film role or keeping her job in pharmaceutical sales.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1025
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6944
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Escape Room
Han believes his diner employees are not working together as a team, so he insists they all attend a mandatory night out at the Escape Room club.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6944
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Gunslingers
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Eurotrip
Have you ever pressed "Send" on an e-mail and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas and his Berlin-based computer pen pal, Mieke, have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a ''cyber pass'' at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he''s known for years is coming on to him--in German no less. Too bad the one detail Scotty doesn''t seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl''s name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her e-mail account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love--even though he''s never actually met the girl--Scotty and his best friends, Cooper and the twins Jenny and Jamie, embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin. Their trek takes them from London to Paris to Amsterdam and Eastern Europe, exposing them--literally--to every lascivious, larcenous and lecherous indulgence Europe has to offer, in a comedy that gives new meaning to the phrase "foreign relations."
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #1803
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Agony and the Extra C, The
A Jefferson anniversary surprise is ruined when a drunken tattoo artist misspells Marcy's name.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Turning Japanese
To secure a big promotion at the bank, Marcy must first buy Al's car for her Japanese boss.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, October 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Bud Hits the Books
Bud's unauthorized use of the library threatens his graduation.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al Goes to the Dogs
Al and Marcy clash over a doghouse for Lucky.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kiss of the Coffee Woman
Al and Marcy object to Kelly and Jefferson's appearing as a couple in a suggestive TV commercial.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Enemies
A philandering delivery man's affair with Kelly causes problems with his own suspicious girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Torch Song Duet
Al helps Griff win a pair of tickets to the Olympic Games.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Joke's on Al, The
Al and Jefferson vie to claim the title of King of Practical Jokes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Offensive Fowl
Carrie soon grows tired of Doug's forcing his new vegetarian lifestyle down her throat. Meanwhile, Carrie's boss wants to start discussing novels with her, and Spence takes on some humiliating new jobs.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mild Bunch
Doug's 20th high school reunion seems like a dud until an old friend comes up with a way to retaliate for past grievances with their old principal, while Danny and Spence try to hook up with old classmates. Carrie and Arthur try to have a movie night together.
TV-14
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
When a Man (Or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
When Freight Train misses their anniversary, Cookie runs off with musician George Clinton; Junior's visit to an office supply store triggers an elaborate fantasy.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pins, Spins and Fins
Rallo thinks he's a stud bowler when he keeps scoring strikes by using the gutter rails. But when his prowess goes to his head, Donna reveals to him the hard truth: little kids mostly suck at everything. Meanwhile, Cleveland, Lester, Holt and Terry decide that their friendship has become too predictable, and attempt to spice things up by taking a road trip to an abandoned amusement park.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Meter Made
In order to be taken more seriously, Stan becomes a meter maid who seems to have all the power. Now he's getting the best tables at restaurants, pocketing quarters from meters, and impressing Francine with his prowess. But when Turlington from Parking Internal Affairs pays him a visit, Stan realizes crime and this lifestyle don't pay.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Dope and Faith
Stan prays for a friend and thinks God sent him one, but the friend turns out to be an atheist. Stan tries to convince his friend that God exists by making his life extremely hard, but the plan backfires. Meanwhile, Roger convinces Steve that he has been accepted to Hogwarts.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Big Trouble in Little Langley
Francine's Chinese adoptive parents drop in. Stan can't stand them and tries to find Francine's real parents, but when it becomes obvious they are selfish people who gave up Francine because she would cramp their lifestyle, Stan makes a detour and never introduces them to Francine.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Haylias
Stan, unhappy with the decisions Hayley is making for herself, decides to set her up with a proper husband. He gets her to go along by using her "activation word" which was ingrained in her during CIA summer camp visits when she was little. She listens to everything Stan says, but because it takes too long, reverts to a "mind clause" to kill her handler - Stan.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ready, Willing and Disabled
Peter helps Joe regain his confidence by training him for a decathlon.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas, A
Peter accidentally gives away all the Christmas presents; Brian burns Lois' dinner.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Kids
Jess babysits Russell's pre-teen daughter for the weekend and meets his ex-wife. Then, Schmidt and Cece panic when they think she's pregnant. Also, Nick's new girlfriend may be too young, and Winston discovers his new boss is a big baby.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Tomatoes
Jess fears she and Russell don't share the fiery passion he exhibits with his ex-wife Ouli. Meanwhile, Cece is not yet willing to admit her true feelings for Schmidt, so she encourages him to go on a date with one of her Russian model roommates. Then, a down-in-the-dumps Nick channels all of his energy into a new vegetable garden.
TV-14
4:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Coming Out Party
Caroline's grandmother Astrid awakens from a coma with no knowledge of her family's massive money scandal, so Caroline tries to keep the truth from her a bit longer by giving Astrid one last fancy luncheon.
TV-14
4:30 pm
MLB Playoffs
MLB Postseason Pre-Game
5:00 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 02
8:30 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 03
12:00 am
MLB Playoffs
Postseason Show
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6945
TV-14
1:30 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the No New Friends
Caroline falls in with the wrong crowd when she tries to make new friends, after Max reconnects with an old friend.
TV-14
2:00 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6945
TV-14
3:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Here Comes My Girl
TV-PG
3:30 am
Movie
Resident Evil: Afterlife
In a world ravaged by a virus infection, turning its victims into the Undead, Alice, continues on her journey to find survivors and lead them to safety. Her deadly battle with the Umbrella Corporation reaches new heights, but Alice gets some unexpected help from an old friend. A new lead that promises a safe haven from the Undead takes them to Los Angeles, but when they arrive the city is overrun by thousands of Undead - and Alice and her comrades are about to step into a deadly trap.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Stepford Peg, The
Peggy's amnesia allows Al to mold her into the perfect wife.
TV-PG
 

Friday, October 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Children of the Corns
Al and Griff try to blackmail their sweatshop-owning boss for a raise.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Twisted
A killer storm strikes, leaving the Bundys and D'Arcys sharing a basement shelter.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Grime and Punishment
When he starts charging Bud rent, Al is confined to the basement until he makes some much-needed repairs.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Crimes Against Obesity
As he's trying to celebrate his birthday, Al is put on trial by a group of obese women.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly's Gotta Habit
As Kelly agrees to give up sex for a big TV commercial, Al teams with Officer Dan for an appearance on Cops.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Chevyweight (1)
Al struggles to find a part for his ailing car.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brownsized
Cleveland accepts Mr. Waterman's offer to quit his job and receive six months severance pay. There's only one catch: figuring out a way to tell Donna. Rallo finds a new beau for Robert after Federline forgets about their anniversary.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Rodent Like This, A
When a rat is discovered in the Brown home, Donna and the kids move out, leaving Cleveland to deal with the problem. But Cleveland discovers he likes living by himself and forms a friendship with the whiskered pest.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
42-Year-Old Virgin
While playing poker with the guys, Stan is exposed as a virgin, but not in the traditional way - he's never killed anyone. Roger and the guys help Stan bust his killing cherry.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Surro-Gate
When Francine decides to be a surrogate for her gay neighbors Terry and Greg, Stan's Republican blood boils. Although he pretends to be happy, when the baby is born, Stan kidnaps her and heads to the Nebraska border, where gay couples have no rights. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger pull a Howard Hughes and become reclusive after they think Klaus is out to get them.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Most Adequate Christmas Ever, The
After Stan comes home from another dangerous mission, he finds that his family has decked the halls with boughs of holly and donned themselves with gay apparel, but just not to his satisfaction.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Franny 911
Francine fakes Roger's kidnapping so she can prove to Roger that Stan still cares about him. So why won't Stan pay his ransom
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
Brian is sentenced to care for a crabby old woman; Peter's beard becomes a home for birds.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Backslide
When Jess and Nick run into their exes Paul and Caroline, the gang fears they both may "backslide" into romantic relationships. Meanwhile, Schmidt desperately tries not to get aroused as he deals with a delicate medical issue, Winston suffers the consequences of a wild night out with his boss and Cece brings Schmidt to a nursing home to meet her grandmother.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
See Ya
When one of the roommates decides to move out of the loft, the gang makes an unexpected trip to the desert, where Winston faces his fear of the dark, Cece and Schmidt's relationship reaches a turning point and Jess and Nick square off with a coyote.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
MLB Playoffs
MLB Postseason Pre-Game
5:00 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 04
8:30 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 05
12:00 am
MLB Playoffs
Postseason Show
12:30 am
Movie
Back to the Future Part III
Marty McFly drives into the Old West to rescue Doc, whose blossoming romance makes him reluctant to return, from the clutches of the villainous Tannen Gang.
TV-PG
3:00 am
New Girl
Re-Launch
Schmidt throws himself a rebranding party at which Jess, recently fired from her teaching job, volunteers to be a shot girl, alongside a very jaded cocktail waitress. Meanwhile, Winston shows a different side of his personality after drinking some of Nick's fruity concoctions, and Cece introduces the gang to her new boyfriend.
TV-14
3:30 am
New Girl
Katie
Mistaken identity abounds as Jess inadvertently captures the attention of a beer delivery guy and then pretends to be someone else when a handsome stranger thinks she is his blind date. Then, a regular at Nick's bar claims to be Nick from the future, and Winston's disapproving mother comes to visit, all the while maintaining her hatred of Schmidt.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #1804
AFHV salutes the scariest night of the year with some frighteningly funny clips, including footage of people being scared silly by some ghoulish costumes.
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Juggs Have Left the Building, The
Peggy and Kelly team up as a singing duo for a talent contest in Branson, Missouri.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Chevyweight (2)
Following the death of his Dodge, Al sets out to get a new car.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, October 8

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Suicide, The
Jerry fears his girlfriend's comatose ex-boyfriend will awaken; guest Wayne Knight.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Subway, The
The friends encounter adventure on the subway.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Pez Dispenser, The
George worries over gaining the upper hand in his current romance.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Boyfriend (Part 1), The
Jerry and Elaine vie for time with his new friend, baseball player Keith Hernandez.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Boyfriend (Part 2), The
Jerry and Elaine vie for time with his new friend, baseball player Keith Hernandez.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Fixup, The
Jerry and Elaine play matchmaker for George.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Mexican, The
Jerry Welbach, a reluctant bagman, has been given two ultimatums: The first is from his mob boss to travel to Mexico and retrieve a priceless antique pistol, known as "the Mexican"... or suffer the consequences. The second is from his girlfriend Samantha to end his association with the mob. Jerry figures alive and in trouble with Samantha is better than the more permanent alternative, so he heads south of the border. Finding the pistol proves easy. Getting it home is another matter. The pistol supposedly carries a legendary curse--a legend Jerry is given every reason to believe... especially when Samantha is taken hostage by a hit man to ensure the safe return of the pistol.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour
As the FBI scrambles to save the life of the kidnapped daughter of the Chinese Consul, the diplomat hires trusted Hong Kong police detective Lee to find the girl. Unwilling to have their investigation invaded by a meddling outsider, the FBI assigns a rogue LAPD detective to keep Detective Lee away from the case at any cost. Carter, the detective, covertly embarks on a one-man crusade to solve the case, having first distracted Lee. Within hours, Carter realises he has greatly underestimated his Hong Kong counterpart, who has seen through his ruse, given Carter the slip, and landed in the middle of the FBI's investigation. Both excluded by the FBI, these two cops from very different worlds must join forces to save the young girl.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie
Rush Hour 2
A Hong Kong trip turns into a working vacation when two detectives stumble on a counterfeiting ring.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 1, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 2, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One Proposes, The
Joey finds himself engaged to Rachel soon after she delivers her baby girl, while Phoebe assumes Ross is the one who proposed.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Story Telling Show
Caroline shares her riches-to-rags life story on stage at a storytelling night and captures the attention of a Hollywood studio executive. Meanwhile, Sophie and Oleg search for a surrogate.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Lost Baggage
Max tags along with Caroline as she travels to Los Angeles on a film studio's dime to discuss the idea of making her riches-to-rags life story into a movie. While there, Max loses her luggage but finds a new crush.
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And You Bet Your Ass
Caroline meets with studio writers in an effort to make her life story into a movie, but she is torn when they reveal they would not portray Max in the project. Meanwhile, Max is spoiled by her new Hollywood beau.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Great Escape
Max and Caroline lose Randy's dog while pet-sitting and risk their lives to find him, while a cannibalistic serial killer is loose in their neighborhood.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Combustion, The
Leonard and Sheldon's mothers come to town to celebrate their sons getting an award, but the opinionated women engage in an altercation over religion.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Commitment Determination, The
In the Season 8 finale, Leonard and Penny are pressured to set a wedding date by Sheldon, whose relationship with Amy has taken an interesting turn.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Middle Earth Paradigm, The
Penny hosts a Halloween party, putting Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali through a new test of their social skills.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1025
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Special
Kevin Hart: What Now? All Access
1:00 am
Movie
Back to the Future
A young man travels into the past and almost keeps his parents from getting married.
TV-PG
3:30 am
Movie
Back to the Future Part II
Sequel to the 1985 hit "Back to the Future," where Marty McFly goes into the future.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, October 9

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Limo, The
Jerry and George commandeer a limousine headed for a neo-Nazi rally.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Good Samaritan, The
Jerry tracks down a hit-and-run driver, then wants to date her; guest Helen Slater.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Letter, The
Jerry's new girlfriend is a plagiarist.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Parking Space, The
Jerry's car clanks after Elaine and George borrow it.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
9:30 am
Movie
Ocean's Eleven
Dapper Danny Ocean is a man of action. Less than 24 hours into his parole from a New Jersey penitentiary, the charismatic thief is already rolling out his next plan -- the most sophisticated, elaborate casino heist in history. In one night, Danny''s handpicked 11-man crew of specialists - including an ace card shark, a master pickpocket and a demolition genius - will attempt to steal over $150 million from three Las Vegas casinos owned by Terry Benedict, the elegant, ruthless entrepreneur who just happens to be dating Danny''s ex-wife Tess. Coincidence or motive? Only Danny knows for sure. To score the cash, he''ll have to risk his life and his chance of reconciling with Tess. But if it all goes according to Danny''s intricate, nearly impossible plan, he won''t have to choose between his stake in the heist and his high-stakes reunion with Tess... or will he?
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Red
Frank, J, Marvin and Victoria used to be the CIA''s top agents - but the secrets they know just made them the Agency''s top targets. Now framed for assassination, they must use all of their collective cunning, experience and teamwork to stay one step ahead of their deadly pursuers and stay alive. To stop the operation, the team embarks on an impossible, cross-country mission to break into the top-secret CIA headquarters, where they will uncover one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in government history.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
Red 2
Retired black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses reunites his motley team of elite operatives for a worldwide hunt to track down a missing portable nuclear device. In order to succeed, they'll need to survive relentless assassins, ruthless terrorists and power-crazed government officials, who all want to get their hands on the next-generation weapon. The mission takes Frank and his team to Paris, London and Moscow. They are outgunned, outnumbered and have only their wits, old-school skills and each other to rely on as they try to save the world-and stay alive.
TV-14
4:30 pm
MLB Playoffs
MLB Postseason Pre-Game
5:00 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 06
8:30 pm
MLB Division Series
Game 07
12:00 am
MLB Playoffs
Postseason Show
12:30 am
Movie
Red 2
Retired black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses reunites his motley team of elite operatives for a worldwide hunt to track down a missing portable nuclear device. In order to succeed, they'll need to survive relentless assassins, ruthless terrorists and power-crazed government officials, who all want to get their hands on the next-generation weapon. The mission takes Frank and his team to Paris, London and Moscow. They are outgunned, outnumbered and have only their wits, old-school skills and each other to rely on as they try to save the world-and stay alive.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Ocean's Eleven
Dapper Danny Ocean is a man of action. Less than 24 hours into his parole from a New Jersey penitentiary, the charismatic thief is already rolling out his next plan -- the most sophisticated, elaborate casino heist in history. In one night, Danny''s handpicked 11-man crew of specialists - including an ace card shark, a master pickpocket and a demolition genius - will attempt to steal over $150 million from three Las Vegas casinos owned by Terry Benedict, the elegant, ruthless entrepreneur who just happens to be dating Danny''s ex-wife Tess. Coincidence or motive? Only Danny knows for sure. To score the cash, he''ll have to risk his life and his chance of reconciling with Tess. But if it all goes according to Danny''s intricate, nearly impossible plan, he won''t have to choose between his stake in the heist and his high-stakes reunion with Tess... or will he?
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
God Help Ye Merry Bundymen
As Al and Griff lose their jobs on Christmas Eve, Marcy and Jefferson's entry in a neighborhood contest is sabotaged by Kelly and Bud.
TV-PG