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SCHEDULE: August 2016

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Monday, August 29

6:00 am
Married With Children
Where's the Boss?
Al can't seem to find Gary anywhere, which leads him to the conclusion that she's dead. He decides to go find another job.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Nightmare on Al's Street
Marcy has dreams about Al while Steve is on a business trip, leading her to ask Peggy for help.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Johnny B. Gone
Al and Peggy have tickets to attend the final night of their favorite hamburger joint. But when family problems get in the way, Al may miss out on the historical night.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Can Do It
Buck mates another dog, making the owner of the dog so angry that he sues Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (1)
The Bundys are at a hotel in Florida, only to find that an ax murderer lives there.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (2)
Peg gets kidnapped! Can Al get her back
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Maybe Baby
Doug and Carrie contemplate having a baby; Arthur recalls the day Carrie was born.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Art House
Arthur gets his own apartment after Doug's patience wears too thin.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dugan Groupie
Jealous of Carrie's new job, Doug asks his boss for a promotion and gets put in charge of safety.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Lost Vegas
Doug takes Carrie to a spa, hoping it will get her to let him take a trip to Vegas with the guys; Arthur teaches Spence his trick for beating the house in blackjack.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown!
Freight Train and Cookie announce their plans to re-marry; Cleveland is chosen to be best man...until he's replaced by Donna's ex-husband; Cleveland Jr. offers to pay for the wedding ceremony after he inherits money from his mother.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Harder, Better, Faster, Browner
Cleveland helps ignite the career of a struggling rapper after the pair produce a new hit single.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Woman, The
George's crossed phone lines acquaint the gang with a woman who isn't what she seems.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
New Girl
Sister
Jess' wild-child sister, Abby, pays a visit and immediately throws the loft into disarray. Meanwhile, Schmidt enlists Nick to be his wingman in crashing a bar mitzvah and Winston throws a dinner party with Bertie, which turns awkward when only Cece and Coach attend.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Sister II
Jess panics when her sister, Abby, decides to stay in Los Angeles and sets her eyes on one of the loft-mates. Meanwhile, Winston procrastinates about checking his test results for the LAPD entrance exam.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Seinfeld
Couch, The
Elaine dates the guy who delivered Jerry's new couch.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
American Dad
Ricky Spanish
Roger makes amends for the trouble he caused after he adopted a sociopathic persona; Stan and Fran get an unexpected visit from a Nigerian man whom they aided through a relief organization.
TV-14
5:30 pm
American Dad
Toy Whorey
Stan wants Steve to stop playing with toys and be a man, so he brings Steve to Mexico to make love to a prostitute; Roger attempts to retrieve a bottle of wine from Terry and Greg.
TV-14
6:00 pm
American Dad
Love, American Dad Style
Roger opens a crooner's bar in the Smith family's attic and recruits Hayley as his main entertainer. Soon all of Langley Falls becomes enthralled by her singing voice - including Roger, who takes his crush on Hayley a bit too far. Meanwhile, Stan tries to prove his manhood by negotiating a good deal on a new car.
TV-14
6:30 pm
American Dad
Killer Vacation
The Smith family's tropical vacation turns out to be anything but relaxing when Stan is assigned a mission to kill the activities director at their resort, whom his boss at the CIA insists is an ex-war criminal. Meanwhile, Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) try to rekindle their fading romance, while Roger, as his latest persona, Abigail Lemonparty, falls for an older gentleman.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Multiverse
Stewie and Brian visit alternate universes and become stuck in one ruled by dogs.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Goy
Peter falls in love with a life-size Kathy Ireland cut-out; Lois discovers she's Jewish.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Spies Reminiscent of Us
Actors Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase track down a spy hiding in Quahog; Peter, Joe and Quagmire start their own comedy improv group.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Can I Be Frank (With You)
Francine dresses up in a man suit so she can spend more time with Stan; Steve forms a boy band with his friends.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Got A Brand New Bag
The Griffins ridicule Brian when he begins dating a 50-year-old woman.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hannah Banana
The Griffins discover that the evil monkey in Chris's closet isn't so evil after all; Stewie befriends Miley Cyrus, who turns out to be an android.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Gary Johnson, Pt. 1
Sam talks to Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party's 2016 candidate for President.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6926
Guests: Walton Goggins, Tig Notaro, Corinne Bailey Rae
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake War
Max and Caroline put their baking skills to the test when they audition to be contestants on the hit cooking show "Cupcake Wars."
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6926
Guests: Walton Goggins, Tig Notaro, Corinne Bailey Rae
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Can Still Change Your Mind
Travis wants to take Jules and Grayson's wedding pictures, but Jules, who wants everything to be perfect for her second wedding, isn't so sure; meanwhile Bobby wants to get serious with Angie (guest star Sarah Chalke), but does she feel the same way, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Ways to Be Wicked
No one believes Ellie when she tries to convince them that her seemingly lovely mom, Betsy (guest star Susan Blakely), is actually a sociopath; Grayson decides to help Laurie with her dream of opening a cake business, but her reaction isn't what he expected; and Bobby and Chick (Ken Jenkins) help Travis and his buddies in their plan to steal the campus cougar statue, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Librarian: Quest for the Spear, The
When a brilliant student takes a job at the New York Public Library, he learns it actually involves safeguarding ancient mystic and historical treasures secretly warehoused there, protecting them from the forces of evil. When one of the artifacts, one of three sections of the Spear of Destiny, gets taken by the Serpent Brotherhood, he must track it down across the globe with the help of a female operative of the Library, skilled in the arts of self defense. They must race against the clock before the brotherhood tracks down and assembles all three sections of the spear and risk giving them the power over the world''s destiny.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2203
A mother accidentally cheers for the wrong girl at a swim meet
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
If I Were a Rich Man
Al and Steve find out about 1 million dollars missing from the bank and the other Bundys think they have it.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, August 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The phone line to the Bundys get cut off after Al refuses to pay the bill.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1)
Marcy and Peggy go to a strip club, but Marcy ends up losing her ring in a very uncomfortable space...
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (2)
The men take action over Peg and Marcy, just to make them feel bad about what happened.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Born to Walk
Al needs to renew his license, but fails the test. Kelly, on the other hand, gets her license on the same day.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Alley of the Dolls
When Peggy's old high school rival challenges her to a family bowl-off, Peggy is determined to win - with the help of an "adopted" Bundy, ringer Steve Rhoades.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Razor's Edge, The
When Steve returns from a river rafting trip, Marcy refuses to let him back into the house until he shaves his newly-grown beard, and he's forced to seek refuge with the Bundys.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Furious George
Carrie makes Doug join a support group for overeaters, but he secretly joins an abusive relationship group where he blames his eating on her.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Entertainment Weakly
Doug sends a new driver on the wrong route, but the plan backfires when the man winds up in the hospital.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Name Dropper
Doug digs a deeper hole for himself when he fakes a heart attack to avoid angering Carrie for not knowing her friend's name.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Offtrack...Bedding
Doug goes looking for his father at a model train convention and notices his mother with a very seductive Arthur Spooner.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland Live!
In this "live" broadcast of "The Cleveland Show," complications ensue when Cleveland and Donna attempt to celebrate their anniversary.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
How Cleveland Got His Groove Back
After being humiliated in a baseball challenge, Cleveland decides to vacation in Africa, but a layover in Hawaii proves to be the cure for his shattered confidence.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Adventures in Hayleysitting
The Smith family's regular babysitter, Lindsay, breaks her leg in a soccer match, so Stan and Francine are forced to leave Steve with Hayley, despite her track record of being extremely irresponsible. When Hayley teases Steve about being a goody-two-shoes, Steve is determined to prove her wrong and sneaks out of the house to go to a party with the cool kids.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
A Langley Falls talk show outs Francine as "Baby Franny," the toddler who was once rescued from a well by a heroic fireman. Then, on the anniversary of her rescue, she falls down the well again and makes a shocking discovery. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger have an entrepreneurial "eureka!" moment when they think of the world's next game-changing business opportunity - male stripper shoes.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Problems
Lately Peter hasn't been able to perform very well in the bedroom. So he asks Quagmire and Joe to step in and help him get his mojo back.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Grimm Job
Stewie is having trouble falling asleep, so Peter decides to read him three fairytales from the Brothers Grimm. As he reads, familiar Quahogians become characters in the stories.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Sister III
Abby and Schmidt's warp speed relationship - already having moved in together - causes Jess to reevaluate her and Nick's need for space and independence. Cece too is troubled by the way Abby has Schmidt under her control and is worried that she's once again running a scam and taking advantage of Schmidt's generosity.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Mars Landing
Jess and Nick face some truths about their relationship, while Schmidt, Winston and Coach scramble to make a better second impression on their hot new neighbors. Also, Cece panics after she drunk-texts Buster.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Baby on the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Terminator Decoupling, The
The gang is thrilled when they see Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' Summer Glau is also aboard their train to San Francisco for a scientific symposium. Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over having forgotten a paper he wants to present to George Smoot.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Work Song Nanocluster, The
Penny's business selling hair accessories out of her apartment gets out of hand when an over-caffeinated Sheldon takes charge.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dead Hooker Juxtaposition, The
Penny feels threatened when another sexy woman moves into the apartment building and angered when she senses the guys are being taken advantage of.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Isotope, The
A fellow comic book enthusiast's hitting on Penny leads to Leonard, Raj, and Howard going to a bar's Ladies' Night.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vegas Renormalization, The
Leonard and Raj take Wolowitz to Las Vegas to help him get over his break-up with Leslie (Sara Gilbert). Sheldon, home alone and looking forward to it, locks himself out and has only one other place to stay; Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Classified Materials Turbulence, The
Leonard is torn between being honest or self-serving when Stuart asks his advice for an upcoming second date with Penny. Wolowitz realizes there's a crucial error in a toilet he designed for the International Space Station.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6927
Guests: Steven Ho, David Cross, Dan Naturman
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pre-Approved Credit Card
A new pre-approved credit card causes strife between Max and Caroline, who have different opinions on what to charge on it. Meanwhile, Earl's estranged son, Darius, arrives in New York with hopes of becoming a stand-up comedian.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6927
Guests: Steven Ho, David Cross, Dan Naturman
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Money Becomes King
Jules and Grayson can't see eye to eye when it comes to joining their finances, but they're both going to have to make some sacrifices if they actually want to get married -- and that is not going to be easy. Meanwhile, Laurie's Krazy Kakes business is doing surprisingly well, and Travis convinces her to make some grown up decisions of her own, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Southern Accents
Jules has a hard time accepting that Holly (guest star Briga Heelan) is part of her life, a situation that does not improve after she finds out that Holly and Travis made out; Andy wants to run for mayor so he can change the town rules against weddings on the beach (something Jules has her heart set on), but Ellie won't let him; and Laurie tries to convince Bobby he's just socially inept, not prejudiced, after he blurts out some awkward comments at the cake shop, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines, The
Librarian-turned-adventurer Flynn Carsen (Wyle) endeavors to find King Solomon''s mines.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2204
A dog steals a birthday cupcake; a woman forgets bears can climb
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
How Do You Spell Revenge?
Al is too busy scheming to get Peggy thrown off their neighbor-hood baseball team to notice that Kelly is about to be tattooed with the name of her latest boyfriend.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, August 31

6:00 am
Married With Children
Earth Angel
When Bud brings a beautiful, homeless young woman to stay with the Bundys, Al and the rest of the neighborhood guys begin acting like sex-crazed teenagers.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Watch Out
This Christmas episode tells about Santa Claus, who is late showing up at the mall. His parachute doesn't open up and he falls off his sleigh and onto the Bundy property...dead.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Guys and Dolls
When Al and Steve become obsessed with collecting baseball cards, Peggy and Marcy dig out their old Barbie dolls and re-live their childhood fantasies.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Build a Better Mousetrap
Al and Steve stare danger in the face when they decide to exterminate a pesky field mouse without the aid of professional help.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Master the Possibilities
When Buck, the Bundy family pooch, mistakenly receives a credit card in his name, Al and Peg decide to sample "the good life" and embark on a wild spending spree.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
All Peggy wants for Valentine's Day is to hear unromantic Al utter those three little words - I love you.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Awed Couple
Deacon and Kelly find new couple friends, forcing Doug and Carrie to turn to their old reliable couple friends, Neal and Marcy.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Silent Mite
Doug and Arthur play detective when Doug suspects an admirer of Carrie has stolen his wallet.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Cologne Ranger
Doug wears a cologne Carrie dislikes to try to convince himself and the guys that she does not control him.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Domestic Disturbance
Carrie gets a raise and hires a Spanish-speaking housekeeper, but the language barrier frustrates Doug, who retaliates by hiring Veronica as his personal housekeeper.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
It's the Great Pancake, Junior Brown
When Cleveland concludes that Cleveland Jr. is too young for Halloween trick or treating, Junior reinvents his personality and becomes one of the "cool kids."
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Little Man on Campus
After his star pitcher is forced to leave the high school's baseball team, Cleveland enlists Holt's help after he turns out to have an excellent pitching arm.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina, a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend so he can roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's a Bad Father
Brian receives a call from his son, Dylan Flannigan, who wants to reconnect with him. At first, Brian is hesitant to meet up, but changes his tune when he discovers Dylan is the star of a new television show.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mom's the Word
After some questionable food choices, Peter accidentally soils himself at work. Ashamed, he heads home and finds all of his family and friends have gathered there. He thinks they┐re going to make fun of him, but they┐re actually there to deliver some sad news┐his mother, Thelma, has passed away.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Fired Up
Jess hires, then must immediately fire Coach as her school's new volleyball coach. Meanwhile, Schmidt gets sued and enlists Nick and a procedural television-loving Winston to represent him at the deposition. Also, Cece catches the eye of a much younger man.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Big News
The morning after their break-up, Jess and Nick scramble to keep it a secret from the loftmates. Meanwhile, Winston passes his police academy entrance exam, and demands that the gang throw him a "Honey Roast."
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monopolar Expedition, The
The guys' prestigious offer to work over the summer at the North Pole; and Penny's resultant behavior; leaves Leonard unsure if he should go.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Electric Can Opener Fluctuation, The
Discovering that Leonard, Raj, and Howard fudged the results of his Arctic research expedition, a disgraced Sheldon heads home to Texas.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jiminy Conjecture, The
Sheldon and Howard wager comic books over a cricket's species. Meanwhile, a less-than-perfect romantic night agonizes Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gothowitz Deviation, The
Howard takes Raj along to check out the Goth dating scene. Sheldon uses chocolate as part of a behavior modification experiment on Penny.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pirate Solution, The
Facing a return to India, Raj needs a job desperately enough to consider working for Sheldon. Meanwhile, Howard becomes a third wheel to Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Creepy Candy Coating Corollary, The
Sheldon looks forward to squaring off against the the one actor from the Star Trek universe he holds enmity towards; Wil Wheaton; in a fantasy collectible card game tournament. Wolowitz cashes in on an old pact with Leonard to get Penny to set him up with a friend of hers.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6928
Guests: Jeff Bridges, Jeff Ross, Brent Sullivan
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Candy Manwich
Andy, a cute candy store owner, has eyes for Caroline, but she's too embarrassed to see him after a humiliating experience at his candy store.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6928
Guests: Jeff Bridges, Jeff Ross, Brent Sullivan
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Down South
A hurricane blows into town, so that means it's time for a hurricane party at Jules' house. But there's more than one storm brewing, as Travis wants to make a play for Laurie, now that she's broken up her Skype romance with soldier Wade (guest star Edwin Hodge), and Jules is determined to keep them apart, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Square One
Grayson moves in with Jules after the hurricane damages his house, but the sudden togetherness makes them wonder if they're going to make the same mistakes in their upcoming marriage that they made in their past relationships. Meanwhile, Ellie and Laurie bicker about which of them is the sexiest, dragging Travis into the argument, and Jules and Bobby dare each other to a "white shirt challenge" - to see who can wear the same while shirt longer without spilling something on it -- on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2205
A toddler in a costume fears his own reflection
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Great Escape, The
When the Bundy family spends the night in Al's shoe store while their house is being exterminated, Kelly is forced to be especially creative in slipping out for the night.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, September 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Impo-Dent
When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Just Married ... with Children
Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Father Lode
Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
All in the Family
Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Pour Judgement
Carrie is upset when Doug does not take an exam that could have led to a promotion, so he retaliates by becoming a bartender.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Gym Neighbors
When Doug and Carrie start training with their neighbor (Lou Ferrigno) so Carrie can lose a few pounds, Doug works out a deal that allows him to laze around during exercise time.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Gorilla Warfare
When Carrie learns Doug stole the romantic line he used when they started dating, he struggles to come up with a new one for Valentine's Day to try to redeem himself.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Hi, School
When Doug makes a delivery to his former high school, the football coach (Burt Reynolds) treats him like a hero, so Doug begins stopping by more often.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Fat and Wet
Donna asks Cleveland to keep an eye on Rallo, but the boy almost drowns in a swimming pool, leaving Cleveland vulnerable to Rallo's blackmail scheme; Cleveland Jr. and Kendra attempt to eliminate discrimination against heavy-set people.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Another Bad Thanksgiving
Donna's sister abandons her two children during the Thanksgiving holiday so she and Holt can run off to Las Vegas.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan's honeymoon with his wife, Sexpun Tocome, is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
3 Acts of God
It┐s football season and the Patriots have just lost their tenth game in a row. A disgruntled Peter joins Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland at The Clam to drink and complain about their home team. Peter suddenly has an epiphany while watching the post-game show: the teams that defeat the Patriots consistently thank God for carrying them to victory.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fresh Heir
Peter breaks his promise to take Chris on a fishing trip, leaving Chris feeling rejected. Lois suggests he spend more time with Carter, who has a broken leg and needs someone to take care of him.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Dance
Jess fears someone is trying to sabotage her first middle school dance, and she enlists the gang to help her chaperone on the big night.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Cruise
Jess and Nick invite the gang along with them on a cruise they booked while still together as a couple. Coach tries to suppress his fear of boating, Schmidt attempts to win back Cece and Winston tries to mend Jess and Nick's fractured relationship.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Beard, The
Elaine tries to change a gay man; George and his date have similar problems.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Jimmy, The
Jerry suspects his dentist and hygienist are living out their fantasies at his expense.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doodle, The
Fleas force Jerry and his parents out of his apartment; guest Christa Miller.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Three Boys with Wood
Max and Caroline enlist two Amish boys who are exploring the modern world to build a barn for Chestnut. Meanwhile, Candy Andy discovers Caroline's ex-billionaire identity.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Egg Special
Max and Caroline cook up a surprising fundraising solution when a potential storefront for Max's Homemade Cupcakes becomes available for rent.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cornhusker Vortex, The
Leonard, hoping to fit in with Penny's football-loving friends, gets tutored in the sport by Sheldon. Raj is infuriated when Wolowitz's skirt-chasing leads to the loss of his prized patang.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Guitarist Amplification, The
Leonard and Penny's first big fight sees Sheldon playing mediator due to childhood trauma that's left him with an inability to be around loud verbal conflicts.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the New Boss
When Max and Caroline hire an intern, Ruth, to help take care of some of the dirty work in preparation of opening their new cupcake shop, Max has trouble with her new managerial role.
TV-14
10:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Opening
Max and Caroline host a grand opening celebration at their new cupcake shop. To show off her success, Max invites her former flame Johnny and her ex-boyfriend Robbie.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6929
Guests: Bob Odenkirk, Flula Borg, Joseph
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Silent Partner
Sophie is depressed after being swindled by the contractor in charge of building her dream house, so Max offers to make her a silent partner in the cupcake business -- but Caroline and Sophie have very different visions for the company.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6929
Guests: Bob Odenkirk, Flula Borg, Joseph
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 1 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 2 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Step Up 2 The Streets
When rebellious street dancer Andie lands at the elite Maryland School of the Arts, she finds herself fighting to fit in while also trying to hold onto her old life. When she joins forces with the school''s hottest dancer Chase to form a crew of classmate outcasts to compete in Baltimore''s underground dance battle The Streets, she ultimately finds a way to live her dream while building a bridge between her two separate worlds.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2206
A woman in labor gets held up by a train on the way to the hospital
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock 'n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
 

Friday, September 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Deconstructing Carrie
As Carrie reluctantly approaches her 35th birthday, Doug bribes neighborhood construction workers to hoot and holler at her in order to make her feel younger.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Van, Go
Holly is upset when she learns Carrie was using her to have access to her van; Doug has an argument with a waitress who takes too long to deliver his food.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Black List
Doug is convinced he is being replaced when Deacon starts spending time with a new friend.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Murray Christmas
During the Christmas holiday, Cleveland inadvertently gives his father a heart attack; Rallo makes friends with a Jewish man who lives at a retirement home.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Beer Walk
Cleveland invites his friend from Quahog to participate in a charity beer walk; Rallo dresses up like characters from famous horror movies.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure
Stan reveals that the C.I.A. has a cloning machine at work. Steve and Snot decide to use the machine to clone girls so that they will finally have prom dates. The cloning process backfires as the girls emerge as babies.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Secondhand Spoke
Peter discovers he can skip out of work by taking smoke breaks. He begins smoking to dodge other tasks and soon gets addicted. When he wakes up one day with sunken cheeks and gray skin, Lois pushes him to visit a smoking rehab clinic.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Last Wedding, The
At the last wedding of the summer, the gang makes a pact: each of them will get lucky by night's end. Jess sets her sights on the best man, who also has caught the eye of a beautiful scientist. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Nick get an indecent proposal, Winston recovers from his police academy training, and Coach panics when he realizes he has already hooked up with every woman at the party.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Dice
Schmidt tutors Jess in the not so fine art of dating via mobile apps. Meanwhile, Winston is desperate to make a good impression on his fellow police cadets, which backfires when Nick, Coach and Cece show up at a party thrown by fellow officers.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Russ, The
Joey gets a great acting opportunity. Rachel dates a guy who is amazingly similar to Ross. Series star DAVID SCHWIMMER plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fusilli Jerry, The
A mechanic pal (Patrick Warburton) uses Jerry's romantic techniques on Elaine.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Diplomat's Club, The
Kramer woos a rich Texan in hopes she will finance his women's fashion line; guests Debra Jo Rupp, Kim Zimmer.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Understudy, The
George is suspected of injuring Bette Midler in a softball game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Face Painter, The
Elaine's boyfriend's behavior at a hockey game appalls her and Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Lego Movie, The
Emmet is an ordinary, rules-following, perfectly average LEGO minifigure who is mistakenly identified as the most extraordinary person and the key to saving the world. He is drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant, a journey for which Emmet is hopelessly under-prepared.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
It'll All Work Out
When Jules realizes that the cul-de-sac crew didn't celebrate Thanksgiving together, she decides to celebrate the holiday, even though it's spring. But the family spirit is shattered, in more ways than one, when Little Stan gets his hands on Big Carl and Jules questions Ellie's parenting skills. Meanwhile, Travis struggles to write Jules' wedding vows and asks Bobby and Laurie for help, and Grayson helps a nervous Andy practice for the annual pizza toss for candidates running for mayor, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Blue Sunday
It's the first week of marriage for Grayson and Jules, but when Grayson doesn't know the rules, he soon becomes Jules' "coffee and wine bitch." After Travis' 21st birthday, Bobby tries to make up for lost time by teaching him lessons about being a man. And Ellie and Laurie try to pull Jules out of her depression when Grayson refuses to apologize for what he did in her dream.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Pacifier, The
Assigned to protect the endangered children of an assassinated scientist working on a secret invention, Shane Wolfe is suddenly faced with juggling two incompatible jobs: fighting evil while keeping house. As he adds to his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons the new tools of juice boxes and a minivan, Shane not only must defeat a world-threatening enemy but also wrangle teen rebel Zoe, uplift sullen 14-year-old Seth and outwit 8-year-old Ninja-wannabe Lulu, simultaneously keeping toddler Peter and baby Tyler out of mischief, not to mention harm's way. While drop zones, demolitions and destroying enemy targets come naturally to Shane, he has no idea what tough really is until he pits his courage against diapering, den-mothering and driver's education. He's truly a S.E.A.L. out of water, but this tough-guy loner soon realizes that he's also facing the most important mission of his life: becoming part of a family and bringing them all closer together.
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2207
The $100,000 award show includes the "Bride Gets the Giggles"
TV-G
 

Saturday, September 3

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Merv Griffin Show, The
Jerry dates a toy collector; Kramer thinks he finds a TV show's furniture set.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Betrayal, The
Elaine drags Jerry and George to a wedding in India; Kramer's life is threatened.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
Conrad and Sally Walden (Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning) are home alone with their pet fish. It is raining outside, and there is nothing to do. Until "The Cat in the Hat" (Mike Myers) walks in the front door. He introduces them to their imagination, and at first it's all fun and games, until things get out of hand, and The Cat must go, go, go, before their parents get back.
TV-PG
10:45 am
Movie (DVS)
Pacifier, The
Assigned to protect the endangered children of an assassinated scientist working on a secret invention, Shane Wolfe is suddenly faced with juggling two incompatible jobs: fighting evil while keeping house. As he adds to his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons the new tools of juice boxes and a minivan, Shane not only must defeat a world-threatening enemy but also wrangle teen rebel Zoe, uplift sullen 14-year-old Seth and outwit 8-year-old Ninja-wannabe Lulu, simultaneously keeping toddler Peter and baby Tyler out of mischief, not to mention harm's way. While drop zones, demolitions and destroying enemy targets come naturally to Shane, he has no idea what tough really is until he pits his courage against diapering, den-mothering and driver's education. He's truly a S.E.A.L. out of water, but this tough-guy loner soon realizes that he's also facing the most important mission of his life: becoming part of a family and bringing them all closer together.
TV-PG
12:45 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Lego Movie, The
Emmet is an ordinary, rules-following, perfectly average LEGO minifigure who is mistakenly identified as the most extraordinary person and the key to saving the world. He is drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant, a journey for which Emmet is hopelessly under-prepared.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 1, The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan. BROOKE SHIELDS, CHRIS ISAAK, ROARK CRITCHLOW, FRED WILLARD and TAHJ MOWRY guest star.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 2, The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate. JULIA ROBERTS and JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME guest star.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know, The
Ross and Rachel encounter obstacles to romance. Monica becomes enamored with a handsome, older doctor (TOM SELLECK).
TV-14
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Holidays
Desperate for a way to pay their overdue rent, Max and Caroline get involved with a group of sketchy customers willing to pay top dollar for their cupcakes.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Bear Truth
A relaxing getaway for two becomes an awkward vacation for three when Max, Caroline, and Andy spend a weekend together in a cabin in the woods.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Too Little Sleep
Max and Caroline enlist the gang from the diner to help them bake throughout the night in order to fulfill a giant cupcake order.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Psychic Shakedown
After discovering that Candy Andy closed up his shop following their breakup, Caroline visits a psychic for a reading about her future love life.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Adhesive Duck Deficiency, The
With the rest of the gang off on a desert camping trip to view the Leonid meteor shower, Sheldon must play hero after Penny slips in the tub and dislocates her shoulder.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vengeance Formulation, The
Barry Kripke pranks Sheldon during his spot on NPR, leaving him with a taste for vengeance. Wolowitz, pressured by Bernadette to define their relationship, gets advice from a fantasy version of Katee Sackhoff.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Experiment, The
Penny seeks Sheldon's help to better comprehend Leonard's physics work. Wolowitz sees green when Leonard invites Bernadette to watch an experiment.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Congruence, The
A Christmas visit from his mother (Christine Baranski) has Leonard discovering she's kept a lot of news from him that she shares with Sheldon and worrying if she'll approve of his romance with Penny.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Psychic Vortex, The
Leonard is aghast to find out a secret of Penny's: she believes in psychics. Meanwhile, Sheldon tries to assist Koothrappali in picking up a girl at a university party.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Large Hadron Collision, The
Leonard faces a dilemma in choosing between Sheldon or Penny to accompany him to Switzerland to see CERN's Large Hadron Collider on Valentine's Day.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Eddie Eagle
Sam does everything in her power to hunt down the NRA's mascot.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Walk to Remember, A
Each spring in the little port town of Beaufort, North Carolina, when the wind smells of pine and salt and the sea, Landon Carter remembers his senior year at Beaufort High and Jamie Sullivan, the girl who changed his life... Serious and conservative, Jamie is the daughter of the town's Baptist minister and not afraid of letting people know that her faith is the most important part of her life, even if it cost her some friends. After a harmless prank goes terribly wrong, Landon is forced to tutor a young student at a poor school and participate in the Drama Club's spring play - two activities the principal hopes will teach him some humility. They also happen to throw him into close contact with Jamie. Clearly in over his head, Landon is forced to ask her for help. Soon, against his own expectations, Landon finds himself falling in love with this outwardly plain girl who possesses a passion for life he never imagined possible.
TV-PG
1:45 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''''s wedding.
TV-PG
3:45 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he''s finally ahead of the game. And that''s when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they''re going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it''s Nina''s turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this ''90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
5:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
 

Sunday, September 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Moves Out, The
Monica's parents find out about her middle-aged boyfriend (TOM SELLECK). Chandler and Joey argue -- and it could mean the end of their living arrangement.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Moves In, The
Joey wants to move back in with Chandler, but there's a new problem. Phoebe tapes a rock video. Ross upsets Monica.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies, The
Monica and Richard experience the same romantic problems as Rachel and Ross. Joey's ill-advised comments to a fan magazine threaten his acting career.
TV-14
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Eddie Won't Go, The
Chandler wants his annoying new roommate to move out. Joey's exorbitant bills come due. The women learn from a book about personal empowerment.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Kindergarten Cop
An undercover policeman poses as a pre-school teacher to protect a child from his at-large parolled father.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona''s parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father''s plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer ''Puss In Boots'' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
2:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
San Francisco Giants @ Chicago Cubs
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Big Premiere (DVS)
Muppets, The
On vacation in Los Angeles, Walter, the world's biggest Muppet fan, his brother Gary and Gary's girlfriend Mary from Smalltown, USA, discover the nefarious plan of oilman Tex Richman to raze the Muppet Theater and drill for the oil recently discovered beneath the Muppets' former stomping grounds. To stage a telethon and raise the $10 million needed to save the theater, Walter, Mary and Gary help Kermit reunite the Muppets, who have all gone their separate ways: Fozzie now performs with a Reno casino tribute band called the Moopets, Miss Piggy is a plus-size fashion editor at Vogue Paris, Animal is in a Santa Barbara clinic for anger management, and Gonzo is a high-powered plumbing magnate.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Muppets Most Wanted
The Muppets gang go on a global tour, selling out grand theaters in some of Europe's most exciting destinations, including Berlin, Madrid and London. But mayhem follows the Muppets overseas, as they find themselves unwittingly entangled in an international crime caper headed by Constantine-the World's Number One Criminal and a dead ringer for Kermit-and his dastardly sidekick Dominic, aka Number Two.
TV-PG
10:15 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Muppets Most Wanted
The Muppets gang go on a global tour, selling out grand theaters in some of Europe's most exciting destinations, including Berlin, Madrid and London. But mayhem follows the Muppets overseas, as they find themselves unwittingly entangled in an international crime caper headed by Constantine-the World's Number One Criminal and a dead ringer for Kermit-and his dastardly sidekick Dominic, aka Number Two.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Oz: The Great and Powerful
When Oscar Diggs, a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics, is hurled from dusty Kansas to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks that fame and fortune are his for the taking, that is until he meets three witches - Theodora, Evanora and Glinda - who are not convinced he is the great wizard everyone has been expecting. Reluctantly drawn into the enormous problems facing the Land of Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it is too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity - and even a bit of wizardry - Oscar transforms himself not only into the great and powerful Wizard of Oz but into a better man as well.
TV-PG
3:15 am
Movie
Kindergarten Cop
An undercover policeman poses as a pre-school teacher to protect a child from his at-large parolled father.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
 

Monday, September 5

6:00 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Catching Hell
Doug accidentally spills mayonnaise on one of Carrie's most important clients while at a Mets game.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Ice Cubed
Carrie is overcome with guilt when she gets a digital music player for free because of the cashier's inattention.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
11:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birthing Video, The
Monica prepares a memorable St. Valentine's Day for Chandler with sexy lingerie and X-rated entertainment.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's (Marlo Thomas) offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 1, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 2, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Inappropriate Song, The
Chandler and Joey find a videotape while checking out Richard's apartment; Ross sings Emma an off-color lullaby.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 1, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 2, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
American Dad
Poltergasm
Steve and Roger discover that the house is haunted. The ghost appears as an apparition of a younger Francine. The ghost grows more powerful until it attacks Hayley's boyfriend and pulls him into the netherworld.
TV-14
5:30 pm
American Dad
Buck, Wild
Steve is eager to prove that he's no longer a little boy, so he sets off to prove his manhood by joining Stan, Bullock, and the rest of the CIA on their annual hunting trip. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus set off on a cross-country road trip.
TV-14
6:00 pm
American Dad
Crotchwalkers
In a desperate attempt to show Steve that she's still a "cool" mom, Francine teaches him a vast array of shoplifting techniques to try out at the local mall.
TV-14
6:30 pm
American Dad
Kung Pao Turkey
Stan's plans for a perfect Thanksgiving watching football in his underwear are thwarted when Francine invites her adoptive parents to join them for the holiday. Meanwhile, Francine's mom encourages Hayley to get back on the dating scene and invites an eligible bachelor over, but her true intentions are revealed at Thanksgiving dinner.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Herpe the Love Sore
Stewie is fascinated by the blood oath in The Outlaw Josey Wales and begs Brian to perform the same ritual with him. After some nagging, Brian finally relents. They cut their palms and firmly shake hands, thus becoming blood brothers. The next morning, Stewie wakes up to find his lip has broken out with herpes sores.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Most Interesting Man in the World, The
Peter attends theater shows, museums, and other high culture events across the country. Eventually, he transforms into a sophisticated and scholarly individual.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby Got Black
Chris hits it off with Pam, a black girl from school who happens to be Jerome┐s daughter. Jerome doesn┐t approve because he thinks Chris is just interested in sex.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Independent Movie
Snot's father dies but Snot refuses to go to the funeral. Steve convinces Snot to take a road trip across the country to attend.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Faking Bad
When Hayley tries to go clubbing with her old friends she is turned away at the door because she doesn't have proper ID. Hayley convinces Steve to make a fake ID for her. The fake ID is so good that Hayley and Steve go into business together as counterfeiters.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Meg Stinks!
Peter and Meg bond during a college visit to Vermont. The two party all night resulting in Meg missing out on an important interview. Lois begins to worry that Peter is becoming too much of a distraction and warns Meg not to get too attached, but Meg is just happy to be getting positive attention from her father for the first time.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
He's Bla-ack!
With the Brown family moving back to Quahog, it looks like the old gang is reunited. But Peter┐s friendship with Cleveland is quickly put on hold when Donna and Lois butt heads over different parenting styles, and forbid them to see each other.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Crisis Pregnancy Centers
Full Frontal explores the ultimate con: Crisis Pregnancy Centers.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6887
Guests: Bill Hader, Beanie Feldstein, Mark Normand
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Just Plane Magic
When Max scores tickets to a music awards show in Los Angeles, she and Caroline end up flying on a private jet with Grammy-nominated rapper 2 Chainz.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6887
Guests: Bill Hader, Beanie Feldstein, Mark Normand
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Need to Know
Jules releases Travis from mandatory family night, but when he stays away too long, she becomes crazed. Ellie discovers she can get Andy to do anything she wants by training him like a dog. And the guys grow mustaches to look cool like Tom Selleck
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Between Two Worlds
Jules begins to worry that her marriage to Grayson lacks passion. But when she enlists Ellie to start a verbal firestorm, things quickly get too heated. Laurie helps Travis find his superpower. And Bobby tries to shake things up by taking on a 'cooler' persona.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
All About the Benjamins
A caper set in the world of fast cars, diamonds and a missing lottery ticket worth a fortune. Miami bounty hunter Bucum Jackson teams up with Reggie Reed, the slippery mark he''s chasing, for a one-in-a-million chance at a huge payday. It''s about trust, it''s about teamwork, and ''it''s all about the Benjamins''...
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2208
Clips of "guys with their pants on fire" versus "dogs with itchy poopers"
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, September 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Wish Boned
Doug's elation at winning two tickets to the NCAA Final Four turns to guilt when Carrie prompts him to take Arthur instead of Deacon.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Slippery Slope
When Carrie discovers that her and Doug's ski weekend getaway was motivated by a promotion for a free plasma TV that Doug wants, her romantic mood sours.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Buy Curious
When their neighbor passes away, Carrie convinces Doug it would be a smart investment to buy the house and sell it for profit.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
King Pong
After losing to Carrie, Doug asks Arthur to help him improve his pingpong game.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'
Cleveland and Rallo bond at a sheep-riding exhibit at a petting zoo, but Rallo is crushed when he finds out what happens to the animals when they can no longer be ridden.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?
Donna puts Cleveland's parenting skills to the test by leaving him alone with Roberta for a weekend; Rallo thinks he's invisible.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Minstrel Krampus
When Steve starts acting like a spoiled brat during the holidays, Stan takes him to see his incarcerated Grandpa Jack, who tells him the story of how he caught Minstrel Krampus, a legendary demon who punishes naughty children on Christmas. Stan decides that releasing Krampus is the only way to straighten out Steve's attitude. But when Krampus kidnaps Steve, it's up to Stan and Roger to get him back. Meanwhile, Hayley gets a job at the airport, but quickly realizes that she might not be cut out for customer service.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Vision: Impossible
Roger gets into a serious car accident and wakes up from his coma to discover that he now has the ability to see the future. He uses this ability to rescue the Smith family from dangerous situations.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Familyland
The Smith family goes to Familyland theme park for vacation. Francine wants the family to spend the day together, but the individual members go their separate ways. Francine cries in front of a statue of the park's founder, Roy Family, and awakens Roy from a deep slumber.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Cock of the Sleepwalk
Stan celebrates his one hundredth kill for the C.I.A and says his success as an assassin comes from him not having a conscience. The night of the celebration Stan sleepwalks and performs good deeds for his family. Upon waking up, Stan is shocked to learn that his conscience is taking control of his body.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chap Stewie
Stewie is happily watching the season finale of his favorite British television program when Chris and Peter suddenly show up in the living room, playing a game where they run around and hit each other with mattresses. Peter knocks Chris into the television set, which breaks and leaves Stewie furious because he can't watch his show. He throws a tantrum and gets sent to his room, where he decides to rebuild his time machine and use it to prevent his birth into the Griffin family.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Book of Joe
With Peter's urging, Joe publishes his first children's book; but his lack of stage presence prompts Joe's publisher to ask Peter to become the face of the book.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Julie Berkman's Older Sister
Jess' dad arrives with his new girlfriend, Ashley, who happened to be Jess and Cece's high school rival. Meanwhile, Schmidt recruits the guys to be part of a focus group at work to help him land a big new account.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Micro
To prove that girls aren't shallow, Jess goes out on a date with a guy whose shortcomings fall way below the belt. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece pit Schmidt and Coach against each other, while convincing them they could be male models.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding, The
Rachel is a bridesmaid at her ex-fianci's wedding. Monica and Richard's relationship is jeopardized when the subject of children is discussed.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Princess Leia Fantasy, The
Ross' secret fantasy doesn't stay secret for long after he confides in Rachel. Chandler resumes an old relationship.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One's Ready, The
Ross becomes frantic trying to get everyone ready to leave to hear his speech at the museum.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Jam, The
Monica wants to have a baby. A man is stalking Phoebe.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Highlights of a Hundred (Part 1)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Highlights of a Hundred (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Excelsior Acquisition, The
An appearance in traffic court comes at the worst possible time for Sheldon; the same day Stan Lee is appearing at the comic book store.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6888
Guests: Samantha Bee, Eugene & Dan Levy, Nothing But Thieves
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Broken Hip
Max and Caroline pay a high price for attempting to remove a street performer away from the entry to their cupcake shop.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6888
Guests: Samantha Bee, Eugene & Dan Levy, Nothing But Thieves
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Should Have Known It
When Tom gets a new girlfriend (guest star Ali Wentworth), the girls decide to investigate. Bobby goes on a fake date with Ellie to improve his table manners. And after getting fed up with the girls' rules, Andy and Grayson rebel.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Runnin' Down a Dream
Jules decides that her heart is no longer in the real estate business. Meanwhile, Bobby discovers his dream job selling premade burgers from a truck. Unfortunately Bobby's Burger Truck proves the perfect opportunity for Ellie to be rude to strangers.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Broken Arrow
Once close friends, Stealth bomber pilots Vic Deakins and Riley Hale become engaged in an explosive battle against time, and each other. In the air and on the ground, in planes, on the tops of trains, and clinging to careening Humvees, theirs is a no-holds-barred race to recover a stolen nuclear weapon that threatens a major American city. National Park Ranger Terry Carmichael must guide the grounded and stranded Hale across the demanding desert landscape--and ends up fighting beside him against an unimaginable menace.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2209
Some of the funniest home videos!
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, September 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dreading Vows
Doug and Carrie decide to renew their wedding vows, then try to cancel the ceremony; Arthur debates keeping his wedding present for himself.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Doug Less (1)
Newly slim Doug surprises Carrie with a romantic getaway to a resort in the mountain; romance turns to anger when Carrie discovers that Doug was at the same resort with an old girlfriend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Doug Less (2)
Newly slim Doug surprises Carrie with a romantic getaway to a resort in the mountain; romance turns to anger when Carrie discovers that Doug was at the same resort with an old girlfriend.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Nocturnal Omission
Doug decides not to ruin Deacon's weekend with a beautiful stewardess by telling him about his ex-wife's plans.
TV-14
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses
Stan takes Francine on a surprise trip to Sacramento, but Francine is bored. They meet the Naughty Stewardesses, four women who use their status as flight attendants to find love and adventure.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
I Ain't No Holodeck Boy
Stan thinks that Steve and his friends spend too much time indoors playing video games. He wishes that the boys would go outside and have the kind of adventures in the woods that he had as a child. When Stan learns that the C.I.A. has a hologram deck that can simulate real environments, he drugs the boys and places them inside, making them think they have been left in the woods.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Goes on the Pill
Francine is frustrated that Stan only pretends to pay attention when she talks. Stan takes a pill engineered by the C.I.A. to help male agents listen to females. Stan takes too much and the pill physically transforms him into a woman.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Honey, I'm Homeland
Stan goes undercover at an Occupy Wall Street rally and gets kidnapped by a group of radical leftists. The liberals subject Stan to horrific torture to re-educate him, but Stan escapes. After Stan returns home, Hayley notices Stan's odd behavior and fears that he may have been brainwashed.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Simpsons Guy
The GriffinĂs are forced to flee their hometown of Quahog after PeterĂs offensive newspaper comics spark uproar amongst the local townspeople. Driving through the night, the GriffinĂs arrive in a small suburban town called ˘Springfield÷.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Landline
When Coach's liaison with the school nurse gets messy, vice principal Jess must enforce a new no fraternization policy among the teachers. But the tables soon get turned when she finds herself attracted to the hot new science teacher. Meanwhile, Nick is enjoying being Schmidt and Winston's secretary after the loft gets a new home phone.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Background Check
As part of Winston's police academy training, the loft must pass a home visit and background check, which shouldn't be a problem until Jess admits she might be hiding illegal substances in her closet.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Metaphorical Tunnel, The
Chandler wants to commit to a relationship with Janice. Phoebe poses as Joey's agent.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Frank Jr., The
Phoebe tries to be more friendly with her half-brother. Ross meets ISABELLA ROSSELLINI (As Herself).
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Flashback, The
The friends recall secrets from their pasts.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Race Car Bed, The
Joey sees Janice kissing her husband, whom she is divorcing while she dates Chandler. Rachel's father (RON LEIBMAN) clashes with Ross.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6889
Guests: Colin Farrell, Caitriona Balfe, Declan McKenna
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Not-So-Sweet Charity
In danger of losing their cupcake shop, Max and Caroline approach Caroline's rich but callous Aunt Charity for help.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6889
Guests: Colin Farrell, Caitriona Balfe, Declan McKenna
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Restless
Jules has trouble sleeping, and it seems like nothing can help her relax. Grayson's face gets mangled in a roller hockey game. And Ellie goes into hiding after Andy decides to redeem his stash of sex coupons on Valentine's Day.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Flirting with Time
When buyers show interest in Grayson's house, the crew is quick to judge their potential new neighbors. They also become nostalgic about when redneck Bobby and Jules first moved into the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Wade returns home from Afghanistan early, but Laurie's initial excitement quickly turns to fear when he becomes too clingy.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Disturbia
Kale has a life most teenagers would envy. He spends his days endlessly playing video games, surfing the net, eating junk food and watching cable. He has complete free reign of the house, and a beautiful young hottie named Ashley has just moved in next door. There''s only one problem--he''s not allowed to leave the house. Kale''s under court-ordered house arrest for three months, and if he takes one step beyond a 100-foot perimeter of the house, his next confinement will be in a real prison. And jail cells don''t have video games or cable. Life hasn''t always been like this for him. A year ago, Kale and his mom and dad were a tight knit, happy family. Then his father was killed in a car accident, for which Kale feels somewhat responsible. The trauma has had long-lasting psychological effects. The once outgoing young man is now shut down and withdrawn. When an insensitive teacher brings up his father, Kale loses it and punches him out. Only the intercession of his mother kept him out of jail. Now he''s going stir crazy in his own house while his mother tries to keep things together by working day and night. As the walls start to close in, Kale starts to notice the world outside. With some secondhand surveillance equipment he begins spying on his neighbors, most prominently Ashley, who soon catches on to him. To his surprise however, she becomes interested in his stakeout hobby. What starts out as a game turns deadly serious when Kale and Ashley begin to suspect that one of their neighbors may be an elusive serial killer. But who''s going to believe them? It may just be their overactive imagination. Or they may have stumbled across a secret that might cost them their lives. After all, even killers have to live next-door to someone...
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2210
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
 

Thursday, September 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats' music video.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
When Steve dumps Marcy to become a park ranger, ever-supportive Peggy talks her into a Las Vegas vacation with Al. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Secret Garden
Carrie's relationship with her gynecologist (Judge Reinhold) is in jeopardy when Doug's cousin charges the doctor more than he quoted for landscaping work.
TV-14
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Affidavit Justice
When the partners of Carrie's law firm notice Doug's softball skills, they ask him to pretend he is a lawyer and play on the company team; Arthur believes his great-grandfather was a slave owner.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dougie Houser
Carrie reminds Doug of a past incident when he wants to buy a chainsaw from an infomercial.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Eggsit Strategy
After hearing of possible layoffs at her law firm, Carrie begins to worry about her own job security; Doug loses Deacon's lucky Koosh ball.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
She Swill Survive
Stan is tired of Hayley being lazy and unemployed, so he forces her to take a job in Roger's bar. Deputy Director Bullock is a regular at the bar, and he confesses his secrets to Hayley.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Rubberneckers
Stan and Francine go out to dinner and Francine catches Stan looking at another woman. Stan tells his co-workers that he got caught and the co-workers teach Stan about Rubbernecking, the art of checking out other woman on the sly.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Permanent Record Wrecker
Stan is laid off from work and has to search for a job for the first time in over twenty years. When he applies for jobs, Stan learns that his permanent record has been wiped clean of his C.I.A. experience and no one wants to hire him.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
News Glance with Genevieve Vavance
Hayley wants to save the world through investigative journalism so she becomes an intern for a local news reporter. The reporter turns out to be Roger, who gets ratings through sensationalized stories.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baking Bad
An earthquake strikes in Haiti, prompting Lois to start a blood drive to help the victims. She gives homemade cookies to all the blood donors. Peter loves the cookies so much he thinks they can make money by selling them.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian the Closer
A fight over a chew-rope with Peter leaves Brian toothless and disfigured. But after a visit with QuagmireĂs dentist, Brian puts his new ˘toothy÷ smile to the test, as a real estate agent.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Goldmine
Nick pretends to be gay to make his status as Jess' ex less of an issue to her new beau. To Coach's annoyance, Winston works his "Long Game" on their attractive neighbors, Michelle and Viv. Meanwhile, Schmidt panics when Cece considers having a breast reduction.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Teachers
Jess, Coach and Ryan attend a teachers' conference, led by education guru Brenda Brown. And when Jess and Ryan are partnered up during the conference, she finds it increasingly difficult to hide her feelings for him. Back at the loft, Nick, Schmidt and Winston try to have a wild weekend while Jess is out of town.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Giant Poking Device, The
Chandler and Janice make a difficult decision about their relationship. Monica accidentally injures Ben and tries to hide it from Ross.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister, The
Rachel meets a handsome stranger (STEVEN ECKHOLDT) who might help her career. Chandler gets into trouble with Joey's sisters.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Jealousy, The
Ross overreacts when Rachel starts working with a handsome guy. Monica becomes enamored with a sexy busboy.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica And Richard Are Just Friends, The
When Monica and Richard (TOM SELLECK) accidentally meet, they decide to become friends -- with dire consequences.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Sponge, The
Elaine considers intimacy with her new boyfriend (Scott Patterson).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gum, The
Kramer complicates Jerry's quest to locate a special brand of Chinese gum.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Temporary Distraction
When the girls take office temp jobs, Caroline tries to climb the corporate ladder and Max finds herself being hit on by the boss.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Hole
After Han fires Caroline for insulting his diner, Max tries to coax Caroline into apologizing.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Worst Selfie Ever
Caroline panics when she develops a rash after a night with her ex-boyfriend, Andy.
TV-14
10:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Extra Work
Max and Caroline are invited to be extras on a popular TV show shooting a scene in Han's diner, but when Caroline catches the director's eye, he offers her an actual role -- with strings attached.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6890
Guests: Adam Sandler and David Spade, Natasha Leggero
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Tip Slip
Caroline's father, Martin Channing, asks Caroline to go on a talk show to defend him when a former employee threatens to defame him in a tell-all book.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6890
Guests: Adam Sandler and David Spade, Natasha Leggero
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You and I Will Meet Again
Laurie and Wade decide to move in together, but breaking the news to Travis doesn't go as planned. Tom becomes Jules' personal cheerleader after losing his "new guy" status. And Jules and Grayson have a naked day that turns out to be anything but sexy.
TV-14
2:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Make It Better
Jules' dad, Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins), spends some time at her house while recovering from an injury. During his stay, Jules experiences extreme stomach pain, but she's too stubborn to let her dad know. And Bobby and Grayson attempt to teach Travis how to be a "playa."
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Michael
When rumor of Michael's existence reaches the National Mirror, washed-up journalist Frank Quinlan smells a page-one scoop. True or not, it's his job to track down this alleged angel, and bring him back to Chicago in time for Christmas. But his fiesty boss won't let him go alone. He sends Quinlan on assignment with angel expert Dorothy Winters and Huey Driscoll, another jaded reporter who would have been canned years ago had he not rescued Sparky, a mongrel that has become famous as the paper's prized mascot. As the trio travels to Iowa, each believes the trip is a colossal hoax until they come face-to-feather with Michael. He smells like cookies, acts like a playboy and tosses off miracles when everyone least expects them. As Quinlan and Dorothy search for the incontrovertible proof they need not to believe in Michael, Michael sets out against all odds to get Dorothy and Quinlan to believe in each other.
TV-PG
4:45 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2211
This week's episode includes animals on the attack
TV-G
5:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
 

Friday, September 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise, but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces that she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama, but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and, needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and "tell it to the judge."
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
American Idle
Doug gets annoyed when Carrie loses her job and refuses to look for a new one.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Santa Claustrophobia
Carrie drives Doug crazy when she takes a part-time job at IPS during the holiday season; Arthur tries to bring everyone together for a Christmas portrait.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Thanks Man
Carrie forces a stranded motorist to wait out in the cold on Thanksgiving Day.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Longest Distance Relationship, The
Hayley is injured in a fire and while she is in the hospital she meets Millionaire Matt Davis. As Hayley and Matt fall in love, Steve discovers Jeff Fischer is still alive in outer space. Jeff and Hayley communicate via an old CB radio and Jeff asks Hayley to stay true to him while he finds a way back to Earth.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Boy Named Michael, A
Greg and Terry decide to adopt a ten-year-old Russian boy named Michael. At a party celebrating the decision, Roger is jealous of Greg and Terry's fabulous lifestyle of culture and sophistication. Roger rejects the Smith family as trashy and impersonates Michael, successfully integrating into his new home.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Roger Passes the Bar
Roger pushes himself to the breaking point by working non-stop at his dive bar. When he suffers a heart attack, Roger decides to sell the bar to a company that promises to continue his vision. Upon returning to visit, Roger sees that the dive bar has been completely remade as a family friendly restaurant.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Blagsnarst: A Love Story
Roger has been acting incredibly needy and clingy with the family. He senses something in the air that is affecting his behavior but he can't tell where its coming from. Roger leads Francine to a forest where they find a crashed alien ship, with the alien still alive.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turkey Guys
It's Thanksgiving time at the Griffins' house but dinner plans come to a halt as Lois discovers that Peter has eaten the turkey.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Thanksgiving IV
With winter coming and everyone still single, Schmidt initiates a "Bangs-giving" themed Thanksgiving dinner party, to which everyone must bring someone compatible for someone else. Everyone is on board, including Jess, who desperately needs someone to take her mind off of Ryan, but fate has something else in mind.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Girl Fight
A girl fight breaks out between Jess and Cece, and Schmidt immediately has second thoughts about trying to figure out what it's all about. Meanwhile, Nick dates Tran's granddaughter, and Winston is convinced she is keeping a secret from them.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner, The
Phoebe's ex-singing partner wants to make Phoebe's signature song, "Smelly Cat," a commercial success. Chandler dates a woman (SHERILYN FENN) with a handicap.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break Part 1, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a foreign diplomat. Ross becomes involved with another woman after a fight with Rachel.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One the Morning After Part 2, The
Ross wakes up with Chloe, but an oblivious Rachel wants to resume their relationship.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Without the Ski Trip, The
Ross and Rachel remain apart while their friends feel forced to choose between them.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Rye, The
George's and Susan's parents have dinner together for the first time.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Caddy, The
Kramer befriends a caddy (Armin Shimerman) who helps him improve his golf game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Special
Stand Up 2 Cancer
Join millions of people across the United States and Canada, along with executive producer Bradley Cooper, for Stand Up To Cancer's 5th biennial telecast, raising money for collaborative cancer research.
TV-G
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
10:00 pm
ELEAGUE
EU Qualifier Final Special
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of best friends are bored with their adult lives: Adam has been dumped by his girlfriend; Lou is a party guy who can''t find the party; Nick''s wife controls his every move; and video game-obsessed Jacob won''t leave his basement. After a crazy night of drinking in a ski resort hot tub, the men wake up, heads pounding, in the year 1986. This is their chance to kick some past and change their futures - one will find a new love life, one will learn to stand up for himself with the ladies, one will find his mojo. And one will make sure he still exists.
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Tell Me
Confused by her mixed feelings for Travis, Laurie resorts to destroying things. But when her anger gets out of control, newly appointed mayor Andy has to step in. Jules starts hanging out with her therapist (guest star Nicole Sullivan) after discovering that her friends have been keeping secrets. And Bobby has a fling with the girl of his dreams (guest star Gillian Vigman) while enjoying a vacation at Target.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Saving Grace
Travis and Andy take a backseat to Bobby's new tomboy friend, Riggs (guest star Maria Thayer). Grayson sparks a religious debate when he sighs during Jules' family prayer. And the Cul-De-Sac Crew form a dodgeball league, but Andy's attention toward another girl leads to a brawl with a group of pre-teens.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O''Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what''s supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she''s pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he''s happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned''s house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2218
Kids say funny things; a boy's reaction to getting socks for Christmas
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Lez Be Friends
Al strikes up a friendship with Marcy's identical cousin.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Desperate Half-Hour (1), The
Bud's prison pen pal arrives to rob the Bundys.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, September 10

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Frogger, The
Elaine eats Peterman's cake; Kramer helps George steal an arcade game.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The
In the world of rival Las Vegas magicians, one member of a highly successful two-man team dies in a risky stunt. The surviving team member must then find a way to rediscover his love for magic.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie
Date Night
Phil and Claire Foster are a sensible, loving couple with two kids and a house in suburban New Jersey. The Fosters have their weekly "date night" - an attempt at re-experiencing the spice of the dates of yesteryear, involving the same weekly night out at the local Teaneck Tavern. Their conversations quickly drift from barely-date talk to the same chore-chat they have at the dinner table at home. Exhausted from their jobs and kids, their dates rarely end in fore- or any other kind of play, let alone romance. After seeing two of their best friends - another married couple with kids in suburban New Jersey - split apart from living the same life they themselves lead, Phil and Claire begin to fear what may lie ahead: a state of bland indifference and eventual separation. In an attempt to take date night off auto-pilot, and hopefully inject a little spice into their lives, Phil decides a change of plans is in order: take Claire into Manhattan to the city's hottest new restaurant. The Fosters, however, don't have reservations. Hoping to be seated sometime before the clock strikes twelve, they steal a no-show couple's reservations. What could it hurt? Phil and Claire are now the Tripplehorns. The real Tripplehorns, however, it turns out, are a thieving couple who are being hunted down by a pair of corrupt cops for having stolen property from some very dangerous people. Forced on the run before they've even finished their risotto, Phil and Claire soon realize that their play-date-for-parents has gone awry, as they embark on a wild and dangerous series of crazy adventures to save their lives--and their marriage.
TV-14
12:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Break-Up, The
Pushed to the breaking-point after their latest, "why can't you do this one little thing for me?" argument, art dealer Brooke calls it quits with her boyfriend, Gary, who hosts bus tours of Chicago. What follows is a series of remedies, war tactics, overtures and underminings suggested by the former couple's friends, confidantes and the occasional total stranger. When neither ex is willing to move out of the condo they used to share, the only solution is to continue living as hostile roommates until somebody caves. But somewhere between protesting the pool table in the living room, the dirty clothes stacked in the kitchen cupboards and the sports played at sleep-killing volume in the middle of the night, Brooke begins to realize that what she may be really fighting for isn't so much the place but the person.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Hypnosis Tape, The
Phoebe is distraught when her brother wants to marry a woman twice his age. While working as a waitress, Monica gets a tip from an admirer worth a small fortune. A hypnosis tape makes Chandler act like a woman.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tiny T-Shirt, The
Ross is upset when Rachel returns his personal belongings and dates Mark. Monica dates a millionaire.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dollhouse, The
Joey thinks he's found his true love. Rachel's boss (ALISON LaPLACA) dates Chandler, creating big trouble for Rachel. Monica inherits a dollhouse.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With a Chick and a Duck, The
When Pete buys a restaurant, Monica must make a difficult decision. Ross makes a sacrifice for Rachel. Joey buys Chandler an unusual pet.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Window of Opportunity
In the season finale, when Max and Caroline offer to deep-clean a previously hidden part of the diner, they discover something that could re-launch their cupcake business.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Soft Opening
Season 3 begins with business booming at Max & Caroline's new cupcake walk-up after word spreads about a shocking incident involving a rock star.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Kickstarter
Caroline tries to raise money for an expensive pair of new pants through an online fundraising site. Meanwhile, Max's new smartphone comes between her and Caroline.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank
When Max becomes smitten with an old stray cat that's been hanging around the apartment, Caroline tries to convince her they need to find it a better home. But just when they think they've found one, the cat's fate takes a turn.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Libertarian Convention
Full Frontal pays a visit to the Libertarian Party's national convention.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Date Night
Phil and Claire Foster are a sensible, loving couple with two kids and a house in suburban New Jersey. The Fosters have their weekly "date night" - an attempt at re-experiencing the spice of the dates of yesteryear, involving the same weekly night out at the local Teaneck Tavern. Their conversations quickly drift from barely-date talk to the same chore-chat they have at the dinner table at home. Exhausted from their jobs and kids, their dates rarely end in fore- or any other kind of play, let alone romance. After seeing two of their best friends - another married couple with kids in suburban New Jersey - split apart from living the same life they themselves lead, Phil and Claire begin to fear what may lie ahead: a state of bland indifference and eventual separation. In an attempt to take date night off auto-pilot, and hopefully inject a little spice into their lives, Phil decides a change of plans is in order: take Claire into Manhattan to the city's hottest new restaurant. The Fosters, however, don't have reservations. Hoping to be seated sometime before the clock strikes twelve, they steal a no-show couple's reservations. What could it hurt? Phil and Claire are now the Tripplehorns. The real Tripplehorns, however, it turns out, are a thieving couple who are being hunted down by a pair of corrupt cops for having stolen property from some very dangerous people. Forced on the run before they've even finished their risotto, Phil and Claire soon realize that their play-date-for-parents has gone awry, as they embark on a wild and dangerous series of crazy adventures to save their lives--and their marriage.
TV-14
1:15 am
Movie (DVS)
Break-Up, The
Pushed to the breaking-point after their latest, "why can't you do this one little thing for me?" argument, art dealer Brooke calls it quits with her boyfriend, Gary, who hosts bus tours of Chicago. What follows is a series of remedies, war tactics, overtures and underminings suggested by the former couple's friends, confidantes and the occasional total stranger. When neither ex is willing to move out of the condo they used to share, the only solution is to continue living as hostile roommates until somebody caves. But somewhere between protesting the pool table in the living room, the dirty clothes stacked in the kitchen cupboards and the sports played at sleep-killing volume in the middle of the night, Brooke begins to realize that what she may be really fighting for isn't so much the place but the person.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The
In the world of rival Las Vegas magicians, one member of a highly successful two-man team dies in a risky stunt. The surviving team member must then find a way to rediscover his love for magic.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
How to Marry a Moron (2)
Al objects to Kelly marrying an armed robber, until he discovers that he's the heir to a family fortune.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, September 11

6:00 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous "husband" shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show (Part 1), The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show (Part 2), The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Finale (Part 1), The
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Finale (Part 2), The
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Screamer, The
Ross tries to convince Rachel that her date (BEN STILLER) is psychotic. Joey's play gets terrible reviews.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Thing, The
Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks. Phoebe can't choose between two guys. Monica's boyfriend surprises her.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ultimate Fighting Champion, The
Monica's boyfriend cannot stop fighting. Chandler's boss is overly friendly. BILLY CRYSTAL and ROBIN WILLIAMS guest star. Referee JOHN McCARTHY and announcer BRUCE BUFFER guest star as themselves.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One at the Beach, The
The friends stay at a beach house. Phoebe meets someone who knows details about her family. Rachel expresses her jealousy of Ross' uninhibited girlfriend.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of best friends are bored with their adult lives: Adam has been dumped by his girlfriend; Lou is a party guy who can''t find the party; Nick''s wife controls his every move; and video game-obsessed Jacob won''t leave his basement. After a crazy night of drinking in a ski resort hot tub, the men wake up, heads pounding, in the year 1986. This is their chance to kick some past and change their futures - one will find a new love life, one will learn to stand up for himself with the ladies, one will find his mojo. And one will make sure he still exists.
TV-14
1:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Baltimore Orioles @ Detroit Tigers
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of best friends are bored with their adult lives: Adam has been dumped by his girlfriend; Lou is a party guy who can''t find the party; Nick''s wife controls his every move; and video game-obsessed Jacob won''t leave his basement. After a crazy night of drinking in a ski resort hot tub, the men wake up, heads pounding, in the year 1986. This is their chance to kick some past and change their futures - one will find a new love life, one will learn to stand up for himself with the ladies, one will find his mojo. And one will make sure he still exists.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
50 First Dates
Arctic marine life veterinarian Henry Roth has his future all mapped out. When he''s not tending to the sea animals at Sea Life Park in Hawaii, he is breaking the hearts of mainland tourists in search of a vacation romance. A long-term relationship for Henry is out of the question. It would scuttle his 10-year dream of sailing to Alaska to study the underwater life of walruses. Henry is close to making his dream come true when his schooner, the Sea Serpent, suffers a mishap during a trial run, which lands him at the Hukilau CafÚ where the regulars eye him with distrust when he sets his eyes on one of its patrons, the beautiful young Lucy Whitmore. Henry is immediately smitten with Lucy, and after a first chat with her about waffles and sea mammals, Henry finds himself more and more interested in Lucy. Ignoring his own rule about dating local girls, he makes a date to meet her for breakfast the next day. But when he arrives and makes a reference to their previous conversation, she thinks he''s some kind of freak and calls for help. Lucy has no idea who he is. And Henry realizes that if he wants to win her affections, he''s going to have to start over again every day for the rest of his life.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hangover, The
Two days before his wedding, Doug and his three buddies drive to Vegas for a blow-out night they'll never forget. But when the three groomsmen wake up the next morning with pounding headaches, they can't remember a thing. Their posh hotel suite is beyond trashed and the groom is nowhere to be found. With no clue of what happened and little time to spare, the trio must attempt to retrace their bad decisions from the night before in order to figure out where things went wrong and hopefully get Doug back to L.A. in time for his wedding. However, the more they begin to uncover, the more they realize just how much trouble they're really in.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
50 First Dates
Arctic marine life veterinarian Henry Roth has his future all mapped out. When he''s not tending to the sea animals at Sea Life Park in Hawaii, he is breaking the hearts of mainland tourists in search of a vacation romance. A long-term relationship for Henry is out of the question. It would scuttle his 10-year dream of sailing to Alaska to study the underwater life of walruses. Henry is close to making his dream come true when his schooner, the Sea Serpent, suffers a mishap during a trial run, which lands him at the Hukilau CafÚ where the regulars eye him with distrust when he sets his eyes on one of its patrons, the beautiful young Lucy Whitmore. Henry is immediately smitten with Lucy, and after a first chat with her about waffles and sea mammals, Henry finds himself more and more interested in Lucy. Ignoring his own rule about dating local girls, he makes a date to meet her for breakfast the next day. But when he arrives and makes a reference to their previous conversation, she thinks he''s some kind of freak and calls for help. Lucy has no idea who he is. And Henry realizes that if he wants to win her affections, he''s going to have to start over again every day for the rest of his life.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2213
A toddler reacts to a phone ringing
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2001
A hidden camera reveals a dog stealing bread from a toaster; a dog waits every day for the ice cream truck to arrive (and to gobble down his daily ice cream cone); an office prank with a remote controlled spider; a salute to Florida, with clips collected from all over the Sunshine State; and a clip montage of people getting sprayed in the face by a faucet prank.
TV-G