Here are some of our favorite quotes from My Name Is Earl. Did we miss one? Let us know by posting it on our My Name Is Earl Message Board, and we'll add it to the list!

"Whew. This thing's making me sweat like a whore in church. No offense, Patty."
- Joy Darville in Joy's Wedding

"Every time I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest."
- Joy Darville in Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine

"Oh, yeah, give it to me, Earl. Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists."
- Joy Darville in White Lie Christmas

"I hope you get nut cancer."
- Joy Darville in Joy's Wedding

"Shh. I'm tryin' to make a mix tape for the weddin'. I'm waitin' for them to play my request."
- Joy Darville in Joy's Wedding

"I like this one because it's lined, so I don't have to wear panties, it's perfect."
"But it's got a stain on it."
"Yeah but that's where I'm gonna Bedazzle my initials."
- Joy Darville and Earl Hickey in null

"Now I got everybody smalls, but remember there's free refills, so small is really a large with a little extra walkin'."
- Joy Darville in Joy's Wedding

"There better be some of that beer left for Christmas mornin'."
- Joy Darville in White Lie Christmas

"Look, not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business after our parents kick the bucket."
- Joy Darville in White Lie Christmas

"Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your mama parks your house!"
- Earl Hickey in Pilot

"I learned two things that day. I hated guys with alligators on their shirts. And I was a terrible shot."
- Earl Hickey in BB

"I was just being nice so we could get along better like Bruce and Demi. I didn't know we'd get along three times in one night."
- Earl Hickey in Joy's Wedding

"Let me give you one piece of advice, Alvie. The second your body is ready, grow one."
- Earl Hickey in Boogeyman

"Nice. You kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?"
- Earl Hickey in Joy's Wedding

"The last time I stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbing the DMV."
- Earl Hickey in Teacher Earl

"Aw, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in."
- Earl Hickey in Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine

"Now, come back in. We got a whole pinata full of cigarettes you can swing at."
- Earl Hickey in Very Bad Things

"The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet."
- Earl Hickey in Stole a Badge

"As soon as I woke up, I realized that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake."
- Earl Hickey in Joy's Wedding

"Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is, you get to watch your whole life on TV."
- Earl Hickey in Boogeyman

"For a minute I wondered if, once again, I had drunk nine months of my life away."
- Earl Hickey in Bounty Hunter

"I'm scared of stuff...like sewer gators. You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet, so most times I just...hover."
- Earl Hickey in Boogeyman

"I learned a valuable lesson that night. If you're going to try to fly a bicycle, you'd better make sure E.T is sittin' in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer."
- Earl Hickey in White Lie Christmas

"Why'd you ever have a crush on her? She's a bitch. Not the good kind like that kiss-my-grits lady from the diner show. She was all, Kiss my grits. We should go to Arizona."
- Randy Hickey in BB

"That poor little monkey. He just wanted to phone home."
- Randy Hickey in BB

"Look at this. Life in the city. You can do anything and be anything. Do you think they'd mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks?"
- Randy Hickey in Stole P's HD Cart

"I don't think that would work. If you cut me in half I wouldn't fight with my legs. I'd try to work with them to get us to a hospital."
- Randy Hickey in BB

"Yeah, I like him. The guy with the green panty hose, right? I like his little hummingbird girlfriend, Tinkerbell. She gets so jealous."
- Randy Hickey in Stole P's HD Cart

"I've never shaved a man's face before. I saw Footloose's wife do it in that movie where the cool Sweathog could break mirrors with his brains. It looked easy. The shaving the Sweathog's face. Not the breaking mirrors with your brains. I think they did that with trick photography."
- Randy Hickey in Monkeys In Space

"You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins."
- Randy Hickey in White Lie Christmas

"Look at all those people in suits, Earl. It's just like when Ted from Bill & Ted put on his magic sunglasses and went into the Matrix."
- Randy Hickey in Stole P's HD Cart

"Hey, Earl, did you hear about me and the Cheeto? Oh, it was pretty amazing. I was eating some Cheetos, and I missed my mouth with one, and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder, and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag. Everyone at the Crab Shack is talking about it. I made it up, Earl. It would be pretty cool if it happened, though."
- Randy Hickey in Boogeyman

"I'm going to use this for hassling white people to make up for three hundred years of racial injustice. Or maybe I'll just use it for Halloween."
- Darnell in Stole a Badge

"Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that. That would have been cool. Like you're an evil genius or something."
- Darnell in BB

"I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture. That's a relief. Last week it was banging on the wall and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. I guess it was just windy."
- Darnell in BB

"If you snatch enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace."
- Earl Hickey in Pilot

"It's not weird. It's metrosexual. Pretty soon metrosexuality's going to hit Camden County. And when all the men start turning into half fruits, Joy's Nails is going to be ready."
- Joy Darville in Boogeyman

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