Looking for the meaning of life? Let Earl be your guide. Unravel life's mysteries with Earl's best quotes from the show.

Have more funny Earl quotes? Post them on the My Name is Earl message boards.

"Well, no one really knows for sure, but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is you get to watch your whole life on TV."
- Earl in Boogeyman

"Aw, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out and stick it back in."
- Earl in Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine

"I'm scared of stuff...like sewer gators. You know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet. So most times I just...hover."
- Earl in Boogeyman

"Nice. You kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?"
- Earl to Joy in Joy's Wedding

"Hey, I typed a real word. Flirp! Thatís a word isnít it?"
- Earl in Stole P's HD Cart

"Perky, perky, hands off jerky!"
- Earl in Monkeys in Space

"I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch."
- Earl in The Professor

"This wasn't the first lady that kicked me in the nuts and called me a rat. But, it was the first time I didn't mind."
- Earl in The Professor

"You want me to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could do that. Yeah, I could be your knight. I'd have to bring my sword. I didn't mean that dirty."
- Earl in The Professor

"I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in 6 foot letters on the side of a stolen truck."
- Earl in Very Bad Things

"Look Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. That's why that troop of "flat chested pygmy sluts" won't deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore."
- Earl in Jump for Joy

"If he was poor, we'd call him 'crazy', but since he's rich, we just call him 'Sir'."
- Earl in Jump for Joy

"I've been trying to find a home for him but nobody wants a chubby cat who wheezes after he takes a do."
- Earl in Larceny of a Kitty Cat

"This marriage was better than my last marriage. My wife cooked and at least one of my sons was a blood relation."
- Earl in Van Hickey

"We got to Hendersonville late because Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if it would lift the car off the ground. It didn't and we lost the directions."
- Earl in Made a Lady Think I was God

"Look! Shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make."
- Earl in Robbed a Stoner Blind

"You guys make your own wine? I tried to make Tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though."
- Earl in Robbed a Stoner Blind

"Hmm, no, I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all pour some sugar on that?"
- Earl in Robbed a Stoner Blind

"After a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs, I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs."
- Earl in Boogeyman

"Now, come back in. We got a whole pinata full of cigarettes you can swing at."
- Earl to Joy in Very Bad Things

"Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which is good, because it means he learned his lesson from the last two times."
- Earl in Teacher Earl

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