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"Francine, you be careful when out there today. We're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, so look sharp!"
- Stan in Pilot

"You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!"
- Stan in Pilot

"Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!"
- Roger in Pilot

"What makes you think you're going to survive?"
"My species is immune to all human ailments."
"So explain that cold sore."
"Mind your own business!"
- Stan and Roger in Threat Levels

"I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin."
"Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway."
- Steve and Francine in Threat Levels

"Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman."
"Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?"
- Hayley and Stan in Threat Levels

"How's everyone's French toast?"
"Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!"
- Francine and Stan in Stan Knows Best

"Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!"
- Stan in Stan Knows Best

"My mother stole my boyfriend!"
"Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other! Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through."
- Hayley and Stan in Francine's Flashback

"You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?"
"I'm German. It's what we do."
- Roger and Klaus in Deacon Stan, Jesus Man

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